tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26182946600367436932024-03-18T20:36:22.727-07:00Divine Secrets of a Pastoral PrincessI am a mother, a lover, a writer, a poet, and an artist of some strange sort. I am passionate, brutally honest, funny, crude, loyal and sincere. I am who I am and nothing will change that. Sometimes I am a little insane...but aren't we all? I am compelled to write, words are my life. Perhaps I am a narcissist since I seem to write about myself the most these days...welcome to my madness.The Pastoral Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09794404741706646741noreply@blogger.comBlogger263125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2618294660036743693.post-56023180376870950962009-07-19T05:23:00.000-07:002009-07-19T05:48:32.484-07:00Hello Again!!Well it seems as if there is some renewed interest in this blog! I have <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">received</span> some e-mail request for my private blog and those invitations will be sent out this morning I promise. To some of my old readers who didn't follow me into my own private world I guess I should update you on me these days. As usually I am a mixed bag of drama...you know we can't ever have any fucking peace and quiet. My bipolar disorder is well under control finally, which is awesome! I have only had the lightest of swings, the highs which kick in my creativity even more and the lows that just make me a bit blah and bury my nose in a book.<br /><br />The bad news is I have developed a bladder disease called Interstitial Cystitis...I let you wiki that cause it's too complicated to explain but it is very painful and has severely limited my <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">mobility</span>. It also severely limits my diet....SEVERELY. I have lost 80 pounds. Normally one would celebrate this (<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-error">Yay</span>! I secretly am - weighing less than I did when I got married just rocks in my book!) but my husband and doctors are not pleased. The weight came off rather rapidly in the beginning which caused it's own mixed bag of health problems. But I am making the effort now to maintain the weight I am at. Especially until surgery time which is August 10<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-error">th</span>. I need to be as healthy as I can for that. <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" class="blsp-spelling-error">Ok</span> boys cover your eyes cause it's <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_5" class="blsp-spelling-error">girly</span> stuff but I am having a <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_6" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">hysterectomy</span>, a <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_7" class="blsp-spelling-error">TVI</span> bladder implant and a bladder biopsy. Once we get the biopsy results we will know how to further proceed with bladder treatment. So far all treatments we have tried have only been mildly effective. Unfortunately some people never get relief from the pain....wonderful. Pain <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_8" class="blsp-spelling-error">meds</span> tend to increase my depressive side, so I try to avoid them. A heating pad works the best, but words <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_9" class="blsp-spelling-error">ofo</span> warning if you use a heating pad 24/7 (I know I know but you don't understand the PAIN) You develop lovely purplish brown splotches all over the skin. Internal burns. They don't hurt, so I continue doing that but I know it's horrifying to look out. Supposedly it WILL go away if I give up the heating pad for a month or two.<br /><br />The kids are going great, the oldest starts Kindergarten this year. I have mixed emotions. Part of me is ready for him to be gone all day (bad mommy) just to ease some stress but part of me is shocked that I actually have a child in school! Real school!<br /><br />So you might ask how have I been occupying my time?? Don't laugh....<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_10" class="blsp-spelling-error">ok</span> you can laugh. Twitter!! I am heavily involved in a role playing series for The Anita Blake Vampire Hunter Series if you are familiar with it. It started out as creating a character for myself that is <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_11" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">intended</span> to be prototype for a novel I am working on. HOWEVER, it boomed, and in true Jada fashion I had go overboard. I secretly play several characters in the series. Including a bisexual vampire, a gay man, two lesbian werewolves and <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_12" class="blsp-spelling-error">wereleopard</span>.....he they don't call me crazy for nothing :0)~ But on the flip side it keeps me writing everyday without have to put a lot of effort into it. It is <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_13" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">spontaneous</span> but not as stressful as trying to create the art that is piece of original fiction. It's almost like cheating...reading the Cliff notes instead of reading the book. I get to write on a daily basis with very little effort or brain power on my part. I just write what comes to me and what is appropriate to my character. My favorite character by part is a <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_14" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">completely</span> slutty wealthy woman...who secretly has a big heart and a horrible childhood. My therapist says I "get my inner freak on" with her. She's right!!! I love it. And she is a huge part of me. Just not a part I can freely be...<br /><br /><span id="SPELLING_ERROR_15" class="blsp-spelling-error">Ok</span> this is probably a page long by now, but you know how much I like to talk. The offer still stands as in my previous post. <a href="mailto:tryingtosurvive101@gmail.com">tryingtosurvive101@gmail.com</a> is the place to request an invitation to the private blog. Tell me who you are, a little about yourself and why you are interested in my blog. Most of my readers followed me there, but if you are just stumbling upon this old blog for the first time and enjoy it, drop me a line and I'll let you deeper into the REAL me. <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_16" class="blsp-spelling-error">Bwaahahahahahah</span>!The Pastoral Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09794404741706646741noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2618294660036743693.post-72824413393365833082008-12-30T10:55:00.000-08:002008-12-30T11:12:50.718-08:00New Blog<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Ok</span> a private blog is in the works. Contact me at <a href="mailto:tryingtosurvive101@gmail.com">tryingtosurvive101@gmail.com</a> if you are interested in an invite. (<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">spammers</span> beware, this e-mail exists for this purpose only, don't bother)<br /><br /> If I don't already know you as an online friend or blogging buddy, please tell me a bit about yourself and why you are interested in reading my blog.<br /><br />If I know you personally, <em>as in you live near me</em>, don't be offended if your request is not accepted. My blog is <em>very</em> personal, and I will not have my words and feelings used against me to hurt my family or myself. I know that sounds paranoid, but if you live here you also know what a nosey ass community this is and it's hard to know who to trust. Yes I realize some asshole could make up a fake identity, but I am also smart enough to track your <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">IP</span> address....just so you know.<br /><br />I have been burned once and my family hurt, I will not take the chance of that happening again. I need to know my blog is a safe place for me to fall, to write and vent and express myself, and my community of 'web friends', who faithfully follow this blog have been there for me more than most of you who know me in real life. <em><strong>I don't fault anyone for that</strong></em>, I am not the same person I used to be, I understand that. I am sick. I will get well. But I may never be the person you knew. Maybe you can accept that, maybe not. But it is what it is.<br /><br />I will still blog here occasionally as well.The Pastoral Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09794404741706646741noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2618294660036743693.post-35738732566735464702008-12-30T06:51:00.000-08:002008-12-30T07:28:17.736-08:00Unsteady and UnsureThank you all so much for all the support and response upon the return of my blog. I am still unsure what to do. How do you write about life when you can only write about a fraction of it. I think the best solution will be to create a private blog. I suppose I could post an e-mail address for <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">ya'll</span> to contact me so I can send you an invite and only invite the people that I trust. But truth be told, there are few local friends and readers (and there were only a small few) that I don't know if I can trust. Someone who found it and figured out who I was (Or they already knew about it) told my family. This whole fiasco has made me a paranoid freak about my writing...and my writing was my breath. As dramatic as this sounds a tiny part of me has died over this. I hate hurting people more than anything, and then to be choked of my one saving grace has doubled the agony.<br /><br />My therapist says I should keep this blog, write whatever the hell I want in it and if people don't like it they just shouldn't read it. (<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Ok</span> her wording was a little more crass and blunt, but she was adamant that I keep writing here) Which of course made me feel a bit justified in expressing myself in a mostly anonymous manner, but the family feels it's not fair for me to write about them. I did try to explain that none of my regular readers even KNOW this family so what does it matter?<br /><br />And I want to address one issue that has bothered me since this whole thing started. During this drama my husband was informed that I wrote things about him in my blog. It was implied to him that I was writing things about him that were unfair or unkind. Can I just say for the record my husband has been invited, welcomed, and even <strong><em>begged</em> </strong>to read this thing. I left the address in the address bar at all times, hoping just once he might take the time to read my blog and perhaps get to know me in ways he doesn't currently know me. That just one time he might show a glimmer of interest.... He had no interest. He couldn't be bothered. He didn't care. And truthfully that hurt a little bit....no, a lot. He never has shown any interest in my writing. And he knew this was a personal blog. I explained <em><strong>in detail</strong></em> what this blog was, what I was writing, and why I was writing it. In the year that I spilled my guts on here, he never once even glanced at it. But suddenly I was the enemy for a few moments when he was informed that I had written about him. I was very quick to remind him that it has ALWAYS BEEN HERE FOR HIM TO READ....he just never gave a shit. Only when someone made him <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">feeel</span> like he should be upset about it.<br /><br />So that is my rant. And I am disobeying the rules by writing this, but I do feel like I should be allowed to defend myself regarding that matter. Hubby seems fine with it now, or at least resigned to it, I told him if he was worried about what I wrote about him he should sit down and <strong><em>READ</em></strong> this blog word for word...he still didn't bother. So he has lost his vote in the matter and he knows it. I won't lie and pretend that even after all this that the fact that he doesn't care to read a single word of it hurts me. And now I have destroyed so much of it in my manic panic that I may just start elsewhere. A clean page. I can remember days when I still used a pen and a blank piece of paper seemed like an ocean of <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">possibilities</span>. Maybe a new blog will best.<br /><br />If I do that I will post an e-mail address for <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">ya'll</span> to contact me, and start a new private blog. I want to keep this one open in case someone new stumbles upon it that could benefit from what little I have left of my bi-polar journey. They can contact me to be invited to the new blog.The Pastoral Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09794404741706646741noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2618294660036743693.post-88874819952655899232008-12-27T17:24:00.000-08:002008-12-27T17:38:20.574-08:00I'm Back...??? MaybeWell the wounds of the family fall out are healing, but I am still at odds with myself about keeping this blog. It is almost impossible for a creative person to censor themselves, especially a mentally ill one who desperately needs an outlet for emotional release.<br /><br />Unfortunately I destroyed many months worth of entries is an frantic panic attack after the initial <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">smackdown</span>, which I deeply regret. My journey into bipolar disorder was very important to me and now it has been destroyed. Which unfortunately, irrational decisions such as those are classic bipolar behaviors. I felt like I had to make it all disappear to please others. I have been very sick over the issue and have unfortunately had to spend a lot of the holidays desperately trying to appear OK. I am still not ok. I am sure the people I hurt are still not ok either. I struggle with the fear that I ruined the holidays for everyone. It seems I ruin a lot of things anymore....perhaps I have ruined things all my life and am only just now aware of them. Perhaps am a destructive tornado who is too blunt and honest for her own good. Free with my thoughts and feelings, in this anonymous floating space....who was I kidding. Nobody on the planet is ever anonymous forever.<br /><br />Now I feel naked and scared. I don't feel I have a safe place to write anymore. A private blog makes sense, but then again the people who stumbled upon my writings that could relate were the exact people I was 'talking' to. And you, my faithful readers as well. I don't know what to do yet. But I know that I cannot NOT write....it will be the death of me.<br /><br />My MIL insists that it's fine that I keep my blog, she even bought be a new computer for Christmas because ours tanked...I am just not to write about my family anymore....thus the censorship. Which since I am no longer as anonymous as I thought, every word I write is going to be scrutinized and up for interpretation. Which is a dangerous thing to do to a writer, especially one struggling with mental illness. Some words are just words.....some feelings just are what they are, and they are <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">temporary</span>. Some thoughts are flashes of light that dim as quickly as they arrived....writers don't hold these things back. It's who I am. It's apparently an unfortunate part of my personality. At least to those who can never understand.<br /><br />I don't know what will happen, but I thought I would check in, I have gotten some worried messages from some of you and I just want you to know I am alive and ok. Or at least as ok as I can be right now.The Pastoral Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09794404741706646741noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2618294660036743693.post-19480549000200087402008-12-06T08:44:00.000-08:002008-12-06T09:13:52.226-08:00Last EntryI have been trying to delete all my posts, but as there are over 300 it's going to take me a very long time, so I will just leave this up long enough for my regular readers to see be made aware that this blog is going to be deleted in a few days. I feel like my heart is being ripped out, this blog was my safe place to express myself. I feel like I am burning a diary.<br /><br />It seems my anonymous outlet for writing about my feelings is no longer anonymous. I know that I shared this address with a few of my close friends and some family on my Dad's side. Apparently I am anonymous no more and have to say goodbye. My husband's family is now reading my blog. I have hurt people by expressing my feelings and I fear the only hope I have of repairing any damage I have done is by silencing myself. I will still try to keep up with <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">everyone's</span> blogs. You, my readers, have brought me a lot of joy and comfort in the last year. Thank you for that.<br /><br />I will miss you all. I don't know how I can possibly find a way to express myself the same way again.The Pastoral Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09794404741706646741noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2618294660036743693.post-33695085703142225842008-09-25T12:07:00.000-07:002008-09-25T12:08:14.027-07:00ShannonSend me a new link, I can't get into your blog....I tried to e-mail you a long time ago but just realized it was a 'no-reply' addy... :0)~The Pastoral Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09794404741706646741noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2618294660036743693.post-76229057561173413262008-09-24T17:05:00.000-07:002008-09-24T17:21:30.676-07:00GreyTonight I feel like I have lost something that wasn't mine to loose. There is a song floating in my brain that is fitting and it needs to be shared. This is one of those cryptic blogs that only I will understand, but you know me, sometimes I just do that....something I couldn't have, shouldn't have and have wanted for years....love that is impossible, lives that are complicated, responsibilities that clutter the path of life like construction signs and detours. Of course it's Ani who is fitting for my mood tonight<br /><br />the sky is grey<br />the sand is grey<br />and the ocean is grey<br /><br />and i feel right at home<br />in this stunning monochrome<br />alone in my way<br /><br />i smoke and i drink<br />and every time i blink<br />i have a tiny dream<br /><br />but as bad as i am<br />i'm proud of the fact<br />that i'm worse than i seem<br /><br />what kind of paradise am i looking for?<br />i've got everything i want and still i want more<br />maybe some tiny shiny key<br />will wash up on the shore<br /><br />you walk through my walls<br />like a ghost on tv<br />you penetrate me<br /><br />and my little pink heart<br />is on its little brown raft<br />floating out to sea<br /><br />and what can i say<br />but i'm wired this way<br />and you're wired to me<br /><br />and what can i do<br />but wallow in you<br />unintentionally<br />what kind of paradise am i looking for?<br />i've got everything i want and still i want more<br />maybe some tiny shiny key<br />will wash up on the shore<br /><br />regretfully<br />i guess i've only got three<br />simple things to say:<br />why me?<br />why this now?<br />why this way?<br /><br />with overtones ringing<br />and undertows pulling away<br />under a sky that is grey<br />on sand that is grey<br />by an ocean that's grey<br /><br />what kind of paradise am i looking for?<br />i've got everything i want<br />and still i want more<br />maybe some tiny shiny key<br />will wash up on the shoreThe Pastoral Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09794404741706646741noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2618294660036743693.post-6148017999703763052008-09-24T06:40:00.000-07:002008-09-24T06:46:26.254-07:00Bye Bye Betty BopOne of the toughest chicks I know died yesterday after a long tooth and nail fight with brain cancer. She had 11 siblings and is an aunt to several of my friends. That woman had a lot of fight in her and I am sad that she is gone. Betty was one of those gals that could take care of herself, she was widowed in her 20's and never remarried. It was humilating for her to have to be taken care of and I am sure she is at peace now after struggling so long to fight her caregivers and loved ones about her independance. Betty was one of those people who you could never really crack the shell on. Nobody truly knew Betty. Even her own siblings didn't know her home phone number if she didn't want them to. She didn't need help 'from nobody' and she planned to keep it that way. She had spunk and fire and I adored her. I will miss her.<br /><br />Rest in peace Betty Bop, you will be missed by more people than you can even imagine!The Pastoral Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09794404741706646741noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2618294660036743693.post-28752946395546031072008-09-23T18:44:00.000-07:002008-09-23T18:56:51.028-07:00Clean Bill of Health in Never Never LandThe comments from my last entry regarding going back to school are weighing on me. Perhaps I am fooling myself. Perhaps dealing with this beast of an illness is going to consume more of my life than I choose to believe that it will.<br /><br />There will never be a <em>'clean bill of health'</em> for my disorder. This will be with me forever. And will I forever be unqualified for any <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">respectable</span> job worth getting a degree for because of my mental stability. Yeah yeah I know all about my civil rights, but we also know it's a bunch of bullshit, if someone doesn't want to hire you they will find a way.<br /><br />Perhaps I should just chuck the whole idea and keep trying to plug along as a writer.......I don't know what to do. I feel like I am floating out there aimless. And Anonymous is probably right, I am not at ALL ready for a major life change like school. But being in the mixed manic state I have been in the last two days and the 'excited phone calls' from the used car dealer guidance rep, I got wrapped up in something that is a pipe dream for me.....<br /><br />I don't want to grow up to be nothing....<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">LOL</span> Yes I know I am quite grown up, and I will never be nothing. I just wanted to be more.The Pastoral Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09794404741706646741noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2618294660036743693.post-45096269997308830122008-09-23T07:24:00.000-07:002008-09-23T07:42:55.882-07:00The Seeds of DoubtSo I have been talking to a guidance counselor from a University that shall remain nameless. She pissed me off today. I told her I did not want to get an Elementary Ed degree as she was pushing me to get. Clearly I am not getting the job that I applied for or they would have called me by now, I am sad about that but they want a Bachelor's degree....obviously I don' t have one, so I want to follow my heart and get a degree in Psychology. I really think I could be of help to women like me. Kids like me. Hell people like me. I am a survivor. The skills I have and the mistakes I have made learning to be a survivor could be invaluable to someone and that is really where my heart is leaning.<br /><br />She advises me against becoming a psychologist because of my disorder. She says suicide rates are high amongst bipolar therapists. "Check the stats" she says and then goes on with her used car salesmen <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">spiel</span> about Elementary Ed and about how it doesn't matter what your BA is in as long as you <em>have one</em> (which sounds like BS if you ask me :0) and if I wanted to do Psychology later I could. Well if I was going to go to the trouble of working towards a Master's in Psych, why wouldn't I start there to begin with???? Duh! I'd end up taking classes I hadn't fulfilled with my BA in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">order</span> to get my MA......<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">AAAAUUUGGGHHH</span> But the biggest thing is telling me <em>I can't do something! </em>I am kind of like Ruth from <em>Fried Green Tomatoes</em> "<strong>Don't say <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">neva</span> to me</strong>!" That's the quickest way to get me to do it! (I had a reading teacher tell me I would never learn to read in 4<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">th</span> grade because I always acted up in her class.....I was bored in her class<br />~ended up in Advance Reading the next year~....and look at me now Mrs. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Sterchi</span>, not only can I read but I can write so <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">ppptttthhhhh</span>! :0) And to tell me it's because of my illness, because she has a son with <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">BPD</span> blah blah blah....no two people or diagnosis's are alike.....and I <em>AM </em>checking the stats....can't find any. None.<br /><br />So please, by all means....someone show me some proof. And I dare ya to tell me I can't do this.....<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">BPD</span> or not! I hate people who plant seeds of doubt for their own gain. I am sure she gets commission money off of her 'sales'The Pastoral Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09794404741706646741noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2618294660036743693.post-86055645039262402962008-09-22T05:17:00.000-07:002008-09-22T06:28:21.616-07:00LayersAs I have been going through this intense journey of self discovery, therapy and illness something very sad has occurred to me. Something that I think when I look back I intentionally did to myself. Some twisted form of protection. Layers upon layers of protection to be less attractive. To drive away unwanted (and perhaps even wanted) pursuers. Victims of sexual abuse often do this to themselves and it has occurred to me, and is becoming evidently clear that in 13 years, I let myself go from this :<br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5248835719584980018" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWrthZbQ-hC6PVcYhMYTPubt7L5Ocb2K_6Tu3uihrrrNg1ZCzLHgoW92rlDd-AieSSR_eKP50C13YdS-4qSnhbkTVC_CZP3OxclP5RifIvsgsf3pVbgCWEA2dCZsQjEWAULypoIsFpW4Q/s320/senior+pic+001.jpg" border="0" /><br /><br />To this:<br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5248835727793775010" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUztDfhJr9TmUzHCkqib9FVAk0Yrp9EeozhzTbhqg7m5N1FwiWXFaKNGEUdsbU9WkuVfOWOEiYxHOp7KxDJ4A_M8tksCraSepD4M_JvMaMnyy8tjg8YAgzKQp4-XiYdxtos11mxtYBSpw/s320/senior+pic+002.jpg" border="0" />In the attempts of protection. In some twisted way, even though he doesn't even exist in my life anymore, it would drive him away. Perhaps it's even a punishment. Punishing myself for things I am not at fault for, but at the time felt I was. This statement sounds horribly conceited but I think I felt if I were less attractive, none of this would have happened. I realize that is not a true statement, but as a kid that is how I felt. Now the question is what to do about it. I have let myself go from a 130 pound healthy looking girl to a well....let's just say I am quite fluffy and sporting more than my fair share of extra pounds, my weigh hasn't doubled, but in a few years if I keep going at the rate I am going...well..... I don't want to keep punishing my body for something it is not responsible for.......where to begin? My meds are making me gain weight too and that is making it even harder. Oddly enough they kill my appetite, but I gained 4 pounds in a week....although that could have been my monthly visitor (sorry TMI) anyway...I hate this about myself. I rarely even look in the mirror. I hate what I have become. And it doesn't help that baking is one of my favorite hobbies LOL!<br /><br />But I feel as if there is some significance in figuring out what the <em>cause </em>is. Maybe at least I can get it stopped, because it seems that every year adds another 5-10 pounds. But my motivation to loose it is very low......lazy? Perhaps. Or perhaps still trying to protect myself........how do you shed the need to do that? I realize as we age our bodies go to hell anyway, and looks don't matter in the grand scheme of things, but when I look at myself in the mirror I often think "What have I done to myself?"The Pastoral Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09794404741706646741noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2618294660036743693.post-1117952793826753352008-09-22T03:31:00.000-07:002008-09-22T03:41:24.611-07:00A smackin' good life...I had a nightmare the other night...one that is still haunting me. It's one of those dreams that leave that nagging feeling as if there is some significant meaning hidden in it. I had a breakdown, needed to be hospitalized and the only people in my life who came to be with me were Bethany and Sgt. Volk. I am not sure what that means......maybe they are the only two I truly trust with my life and the darkside of my brain? Either way it was disturbing. I was glad they were there, but saddened to have no family there. Maybe they are my family....<br /><br />So on a happy note....get your needles ready and your engines fired up! The orders are pouring in for the website!!! (see sidebar, I have added a link) In fact if they keep up like this I will be swamped. That is a good thing because I quit my job at the tavern for now. I can't handle the fast pace and the noise there anymore, since my depression in July it's like a part of my brain just can't handle all that hustle and bustle and screaming drunks LOL! So we need the money. I am excited. I forgot how much I loved to sew, I gave it up for the summer, but being back feels good. Although carpal tunnel syndrome is back with a vengance. I let the kids slap my hands when they fall asleep, they think that's funny. I hold my arms out and let them just slap the shit out of my hands until I can feel them again and go back to sewing! LOL! I'm setting a wonderful example ain't I?<br /><br />Hope all my blogging buddies out there are doing well, I worry when I don't see new posts or worse yet when a blog has been deleted. You can always contact me via my stitching site, let me know you are ok. If you are reading this, you know who you are. I hope everything is ok sweetie!! I see you have deleted your blog :0( I am worried about you. How are the meds working?The Pastoral Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09794404741706646741noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2618294660036743693.post-79530128274559216272008-09-20T13:55:00.000-07:002008-09-20T14:05:14.664-07:00More Bags...Need Opinions!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi53JCrFd7Q6GE8Vp-eMje4nCiegfniTRuedl5T6O7-WEjyqkfZ3cBoz65tU73um-9TR9JuCOsZF0LUkXMyGRdKz33ljsaZhAavB0EAAhoVjFFP-3nNGyZVgE6RgmpcHf7P_FTiYGnzPhE/s1600-h/100_3553.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5248210877691125762" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi53JCrFd7Q6GE8Vp-eMje4nCiegfniTRuedl5T6O7-WEjyqkfZ3cBoz65tU73um-9TR9JuCOsZF0LUkXMyGRdKz33ljsaZhAavB0EAAhoVjFFP-3nNGyZVgE6RgmpcHf7P_FTiYGnzPhE/s320/100_3553.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBHT88HpBhdhPHdhY-xkT8ReDypiRN6nZGiagxlRQfjtUrO8J9m6fI_6Hjwd1ESnssLDtnqR18xl_VDUny7KcooadEvT3pDk_CiYiJQ5kme1RuVUwj-St6L9Rks3p8fe24z6lDF_sTXwM/s1600-h/100_3554.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5248210883729637218" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBHT88HpBhdhPHdhY-xkT8ReDypiRN6nZGiagxlRQfjtUrO8J9m6fI_6Hjwd1ESnssLDtnqR18xl_VDUny7KcooadEvT3pDk_CiYiJQ5kme1RuVUwj-St6L9Rks3p8fe24z6lDF_sTXwM/s320/100_3554.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-J-1xFVKHjjTsBdYauheJerTkosp3RSlfnT6jquRKphWliJ36DYNTVqFfPW9B7OQC_3BoYti57nMISI0il0IuxCTZh-4L6kpI69Jq80s3IW0c2ZLB-FN8NgKkwCTIFAfkDfBzd5aGLQI/s1600-h/100_3555.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5248210883614761058" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-J-1xFVKHjjTsBdYauheJerTkosp3RSlfnT6jquRKphWliJ36DYNTVqFfPW9B7OQC_3BoYti57nMISI0il0IuxCTZh-4L6kpI69Jq80s3IW0c2ZLB-FN8NgKkwCTIFAfkDfBzd5aGLQI/s320/100_3555.jpg" border="0" /></a>Ok still hoping to get some feedback here. I have made a few more bags. To give you an idea of dimensions the <em>Olde Crow</em> Bag is 7 x 10", while the <em>Peace </em>bag measures 5.5 x 7". The Merry Christmas and Blessings to You and Yours bags are both about 11 x 6''. What do you think? Am I wasting my time? Will people buy these things????<br /><br />Yes, I realize there are no handles on the <em>Friends are Forever</em> bag...I was in a hurry to post pics, I'll get to it.<br /><div></div>The Pastoral Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09794404741706646741noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2618294660036743693.post-5668108209756819332008-09-18T10:45:00.003-07:002008-09-19T10:20:40.123-07:00Would you buy this?? NEED FEEDBACK!This is my new idea for my stitchery website....would you buy these? I am thinking of selling them for $10, and it's a gift that lasts because the 'gift bag' can be reused for decoration or as a useful item.<br /><br />I need feedback folks, tell me the truth would ya!!! I have several styles, colors and phrases planned out, many that are not necessarily strictly holiday related. Would you buy this for you wife, mother, daughter, grandmama, friend, or other lady in your life? And is $10 a fair price. Larger bags may cost more. Some have full square bottoms, those may cost a bit more too, just because they are extra work. SPEAK UP PLEASE!<img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247782579079555298" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqOqm46g9KmF6gVrKOZzu89Qu5NQQx3KNKEurVIopkWnUDWw4LjIR389WWDReYhtT23wLbScp20UiS746390g8P54hrdhg6ucikD9jx1lrQmhEVyQSCTcMFFZQ8ji1pL_eun_hi5nF2IQ/s320/100_3545.jpg" border="0" /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247782587527734114" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbdbIhXxlcYZZE25bwLfLpV2Z9akxkfd_tmMVcILe02w0VyYdBs4JoJ2s1VBLrAcej57CziKHHNPwO8Ffa7rgR8Lg1CRHSXZ1D7S_lciqU0srln1tenTMZjxevgYHpsliecHoAFLnjYnw/s320/100_3548.jpg" border="0" />The Pastoral Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09794404741706646741noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2618294660036743693.post-67434792075891852322008-09-18T10:45:00.002-07:002008-09-19T04:53:49.234-07:00Hungry Hypo HippoWell it's definately full on hypomania time in this house. I have been laying in bed since 4 a.m. trying <em>not </em>to get up, knowing I need some rest. I have boundless energy and feel really great today...the problem is, now I know there is going to be a crash invovled....ugghh. When will it hit? Probably tomorrow when I work two jobs. I think tomorrow night will be my last night working at the tavern for a while. I can't handle it. I hate that too because it was my one night 'out'. Even though I was working I got to see all my friends....yes all my friends hang out in a tavern all weekend LOL...<br /><br />I am getting ready to make my coffee for the morning, which I don't need but I know I will have a massive headache if I don't drink. Today will be a productive day if nothing else LOL! I could tell last night I was cycling into a shift. I think my menses are playing a big part. I have been mildly manic all week but today I am ready to conquer the world! But now that I know what I am dealing with I will resist my Joan of Arc impulse and just conquer the kitchen full of apples I have....<br /><br />Yes <strong>MORE </strong>apples! When we went to the orchard yesterday I just couldn't resist buying <em>one more peck </em>I thought, well an Apple Crisp and some more Apple Butter would be good, of course there will be apple jelly from the juice of the butter! So....I will keep myself busy doing that during naptime. I am taking the kids to the park today, and to Wal-Mart. I have to find a sewing needle...<br /><br />My needle broke on my sewing machine last night!!! AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!! Just when I was on a roll making these adorable little handbags that I am going to start selling. I had finally figured out how to make a square bottom bag (never one to read any directions or follow a pattern, I had to just figure it out myself LOL) and then <em>clink </em>the needle was gone. Damn it....<br /><br />Going to go eat some more apple crisp....yumm...I am going to be as big as this house if I don't stop baking!The Pastoral Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09794404741706646741noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2618294660036743693.post-59187868242533714022008-09-18T10:45:00.001-07:002008-09-18T19:35:09.938-07:00Impaling PalinCan I just be completely <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">un</span>-liberated, anti-feminist, and <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">chauvinistic</span> for a moment? This thought has been bothering me about Sarah <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Palin</span>. If you are such a wonderful mother, such a wonderful human being....why wouldn't you pass up the nomination for VP to take care of your 17 year old daughter, who is going to need your support and attention now more than any other time in her life? This is strictly my opinion but if my daughter were pregnant I would be completely focused on figuring out how to help and teach her how to be responsible for this child. As a candidate she is completely unavailable and unfocused on her family. As VP she would be the same. This <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">bothers</span> me. I understand ambition. I have plenty of my own. But if she was that awesome, the offer would have come around again sometime......wouldn't you think it would be better to focus on the problems you have in your own home?<br /><br />I welcome a debate on this, what do <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">ya'll</span> think. I like her spunk, I disagree with her on almost every issue and I hate that she has flip flopped on so many things, but that's every politician. But this thought about her pregnant teenage daughter keeps popping in my head. Why would you abandon your family when they need you the most? Is power really that important? Even the thought at the chance of being the leader of the free world is not enough to make me toss my kids aside to further my career. Now think about this long and hard before you slam me. I am not saying she doesn't <em>love </em>her kids. But there is no way she is going to be around to help with that baby.....is Bristol going to be left to learn about parenting with a Nanny and her Dad? As a mother myself, helping with life changing milestones are some of the things I look forward to (and also dread) the most.......Just my opinion, but I think she has made a bad call for her family, a choice fueled by being power hungry.The Pastoral Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09794404741706646741noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2618294660036743693.post-47639626271240871972008-09-18T10:45:00.000-07:002008-09-18T10:54:48.489-07:00Couches in Heaven<em>Going on filed trip to see some apple trees<br />To learn about the blossoms and the birds and the bees<br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Ain</span>’t it just a fine time,<br />Finally get to go somewhere<br />Find out the elastic is shot in your underwear</em><br /><br />Yes it was a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Pre</span>-K field trip today, and YES I was pulling my underwear up all day. I <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">hadn</span>’t noticed that they had apparently seen better days when I got dressed this morning. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Ugghhh</span>. So <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">anyhoo</span> apple picking and a “Mommy Date”, it was a great day. River and I went to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">McD</span>’s where I tried to be as patient as I could as he slowly ate….one French fry at a time….dipping each bite in ketchup….checking to make sure each bit had the proper amount of ketchup….re-dipping if it <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">didn</span>’t. I eat like a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">NASCAR</span> driver drives on the interstate, I just can’t help it. I think I am so used to eating on the run or scarfing down meals to tend to other things that I forget there are times when I can just relax and actually taste my food.<br /><br />So River has been asking a lot about death lately. I was expecting this. We recently put autumn flowers on my Mother’s grave and he desperately wants to understand the concept. Where is she? Why is she not here? Why do we go to that place? (cemetery) I have been prepared for this and figured I would try to handle it as nonchalantly as I can. I tell her she is in heaven, she <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">doesn</span>’t live in this world anymore. I tell him the cemetery is just a place where we put pretty rocks up to remember them and we put flowers on it to keep the rocks pretty. I figure once we have to face an actual burial I will get into the rest of all that, but for now no way, he worries too much as it is. He asks the funniest questions about Mom and heaven:<br /><br /><em>Does she have legs?<br />Is it hard to walk there?<br />Do they have chairs?<br />Is she a little girl there?<br />Can she eat hot dogs?</em><br /><br />I always try to answer in the best way I know how.<br /><br /><em>Yes she has legs just like me and you.<br />No it’s not hard to walk there.<br />Yes they have chairs, I bet they even have couches and rocking chairs and bean bags.<br />I bet she can be whatever she wants to be in heaven. If she wakes up one day and wants to be a little girl she can be.<br />I bet she can eat all the hot dogs she wants</em>.<br /><br />His answer to all of these……."<em>They have <strong>COUCHES</strong> there???!!!! That’s <strong>SUPER COOL</strong> MOM</em>!"The Pastoral Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09794404741706646741noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2618294660036743693.post-35002206258610197502008-09-17T08:28:00.001-07:002008-09-17T19:27:27.885-07:00The real couch sessionI saw my therapist for the first time today (not to be confused with my shrink....few are <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">privileged</span> enough to need <em>both </em>but of course I've always been er, um, <em>special</em>) and I love her! She's awesome. Any chick who gets a tattoo to celebrate her 60<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">th</span> birthday is a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">rockin</span>' chick in my book. We've been through many of the same experiences in our life and I can tell we see eye to eye on a lot of things. The only word that kept coming to mind after our session was 'smooth'....even the car seemed to drive smoother on the ride home. I felt so calm and purged. It was marvelous.<br /><br />And she really has a couch! Two actually, a couch and a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">love seat</span>...they are deliciously fluffy and the atmosphere is like that of a spa, not a stuffy doctor's office. I almost expected someone to come in and start working on my chicken feet and hooker knees while we chatted.<br /><br />I can tell she is someone I am going to be able to be completely honest with. I need that in my life. And there are demons in me that need to be vomited out and kicked down the drain, even if I have to used a stick to do it....I think she can help me with that. I am very excited about working with her. Now my only problem is childcare for my sessions. Any volunteers??? It's becoming an issue between River having 'parent' activities at school and me seeing a shrink AND a therapist, AND working at the bank AND working at the tavern. I am wearing out my favors with the mother in law......I have to figure out some solutions. That is my current issue to obsess over at the moment.<br /><br />Let the obsession begin.....The Pastoral Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09794404741706646741noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2618294660036743693.post-12911148588908502922008-09-17T08:28:00.000-07:002008-09-17T12:29:04.509-07:00Back in BusinessWell I am finally re-opening my stitchery website...maybe I'm nuts (<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">arf</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">arf</span> I'm so funny...). I am anxious to see how much business I get this season. I was busier than a one armed paper hanger last Christmas.<br /><br />If you see something you are interested in, get your orders in now! <a href="http://www.starklysimplestitches.com/">http://www.starklysimplestitches.com/</a><br /><br />Well things are <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">ok</span> around here. Sew sew sewing. It's one of those hobbies that you forget how much you enjoy and how good you are at until you pick it up again. I haven't sewed for two months now, I took the summer off, and now I am really enjoying it again. It is a nice hobby to have for crazy folk like me :0)~ It's busy work. And <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">repetitive</span>. I am going to expand the business to include handbags, gift bags and curtains soon if I don't get that job I applied for. Or maybe even if I do....we'll just see how much time I have. I have already started on the gift bags, they will be holiday gift bags and then you can stuff the bag with some dried goodies or potpourri and you have a gift that lasts forever.<br /><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Ok</span> gotta go sew......Sew Ya Later! Ha! Ha! I just crack myself the hell up!<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Edited to add:<br /><br /><br />Someone asked to see the Wedding Dress project when it was finished, it has it's own page on my website, but I will post it here as well, the picture of the little pillows isn't very clear, but it's all I have...Bethany took the pics, blame her :0)~ (j/k B you know I love ya!) The lace trim was so delicate on this dress, I used it to 'frame' the piece. I believe the family was very pleased :0)<br /><p><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247073884409571442" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjZE9QTe1xviDSBm_-TprM0_gcrbihFotTdVH2SXK65PLQVTxEmYD6O54SRVAXFTYpVqSas8VqQQyATpjUs4bwMDC-1xzow8ZItJ3ho4Vbg4VEw1pETCBQjfxZA9VcAkYbIMNuayVYRqI/s320/stitchery+101.jpg" border="0" /></p><p>All of the women in the family (there are only daughters) and three granddaughters got a pillow made from the dress so that they each have a little piece of it for their own.<img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247073881895622146" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1-K852tRA5WWwzso5uVfarnJuhq5XndvnbkBwLcvpA-wzA74iaX6FU-gQjXfWSfWg-M66Q2DcdKzLDxfh5lSRCuYm3L9SMIJKkQ4UBATRMex2l3cbNoYlfz5wYKEAagkIVij5i5mhyxU/s320/stitchery+102.jpg" border="0" />You can go get your Kleenex now...I'm done.<br /></p>The Pastoral Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09794404741706646741noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2618294660036743693.post-10448484408480200572008-09-15T20:15:00.000-07:002008-09-15T20:18:15.220-07:00Just Another Manic MondayWell I must be having a manic spell because I am wide awake and it's waaaay past my bedtime. It could explain the home made chicken soup, rolls, apple butter, applesauce, apple jelly and 5 loads of laundry I have done in the last two days.........oh well, my mind feels ok. That's all that matters. I just have a little extra energy today.<br /><br />Not really sure why I am blogging, boredom I suppose. I have nothing to say at all. Blah blah blah......maybe tomorrow I will find something brilliant to write about.The Pastoral Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09794404741706646741noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2618294660036743693.post-88398152668502773492008-09-15T18:21:00.000-07:002008-09-15T18:25:23.012-07:00Better DayOk, maybe I was PMS'n a bit in my last post, but it was all true. I was just awfully growly huh?<br /><br />Hubby and I had a good talk this evening. He took the time to read some literature I found him online. Things are better for now.<br /><br />On a really good note I am still feeling like these meds are helping tremendously. I think I have found the right fit. I am still cycling, but it's becoming almost unnoticable to anyone but me.....Yay! Having a down day today, but after what happened last night I am not surprised. But to make me feel better I made more applebutter and tons and tons of apple jelly....YUMMO! This winter that is all going to be soooooo yummy!The Pastoral Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09794404741706646741noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2618294660036743693.post-36088146133517763502008-09-15T06:28:00.000-07:002008-09-15T07:23:31.885-07:00If I hear one more time...."Your <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">meds</span> must not be working"... I'm going to scream. How do I make him understand that this is not something I can snap my fingers and make go away...because believe you me if I could <strong><em>I FUCKING WOULD</em></strong>!!! How can I explain that this is not all about him, that every mood swing, every shift, every anxiety is not in some way related to some sort of anger or hatred towards him. We even had the <em>'dealing with this for the rest of our lives'</em> conversation last night and I told him if he didn't think he could handle it he might as well pack up now, because I don't have any answers. I don't have any way to make it go away. I realize I am not the person he married. I get it. I hate it. More for my children than for him. He's a grown up. Why can't he act like one. Pick up a fucking book...see a therapist, search online...anything to be pro-active in this rather than make me feel like a fucking lunatic who needs a new pill every time I am in a bad mood, or <em>'too good of a mood'</em>. I may never again be that same person I was 4 months ago, and especially not 4 years ago. But this is beyond my control. I have vowed to do everything I can to be pro-active in my health, better diet, <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">exercise</span>, education, therapy and medication. He has done nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. When this started he vowed to support me in whatever may come. This is not support....and it's not helping me mentally.<br /><br />I don't cry. But I feel like crying today. I just might have to. Of course this morning there were "<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">sorry's</span>" all around, there <em>always</em> are, but I am so sick and fuck and tired of sorry I could puke the letters out into the toilet bowl and watch them scramble and swirl as they make their way down the pot......I'm done with <strong><em>sorry</em></strong>. I can only fix myself. If that means doing it by myself, so be it.<br /><br /><em>Edited to add that after I posted this I realized it sounded like I was throwing in the towel. Don't panic...I haven't packed up yet...I just meant that things are going to have to change or we are not going to be able to live under the same roof.</em>The Pastoral Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09794404741706646741noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2618294660036743693.post-18552472466695390282008-09-14T05:32:00.000-07:002008-09-14T05:38:23.237-07:00Cathartic CookingFor me, there is something extremely relaxing about peeling, slicing, dicing, mixing, boiling, kneading, rolling, and creating food. It's much like writing or painting. You start with a blank canvas. Nothing. And with a few tools and some creativity you create a masterpiece.<br /><br />Today it's chicken soup and home made yeast rolls for my Daddy. Sgt. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Volk</span> and I spent much of the day Friday picking guitar and singing and it made me miss my Dad. Our relationship is a fickle one, but he is a musician and all the singing and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">pickin</span>' and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">grinnin</span>' just made me long to see him. So I am loading up the boys and some good food to take to him. He is terminally ill with <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">COPD</span> and takes horrible care of himself. I gave up trying to fix him years ago, feeling like if he wanted to die in a tavern on a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">barstool</span> then so be it....but today, and maybe just for today, I felt the urge to care for him. A healthy meal and a healthy dose of his <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">grandbabies</span> will do him good. Maybe make him happy enough to stay out of the bar for a day or two....although I've tried all my life to make him happy enough to stop doing that and it's never happened....I won't hold my breathe. But instead I am doing this for me. I need to see my Daddy. I'll take care of my needs and he can take care of his needs as he sees fit. I love him. There's a lot of reasons not to....but I do. And he loves me, this I do know, he just doesn't have many skills to show it.The Pastoral Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09794404741706646741noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2618294660036743693.post-46861531036662151802008-09-13T18:10:00.000-07:002008-09-13T18:21:02.357-07:00Jada AppleseedMy neighbor, the rhubarb growing, bee keeping wine making neighbor has apples ready....apples galore. So today the boys and I went apple picking. We picked a 5 gallon bucket full, came home made a dozen of them into dumplings, and the rest into apple butter and applesauce. We had so much fun *ok mommy did* that we went back and picked another 5 gallon bucket full! I just finished washing them and am pooped....the only thing I hate about picking apples is washing them. If you've never seen what an apple, fresh off the tree looks like, especially out in the country, it's not what you'd expect. It's more like a black speckled, mildew looking ball. You have to scrub and scrub to the road dust, dirt and bug shit off of them...but underneath all of that is that shining yellow globe of golden heaven.<br /><br />Although the cost saved, verses the labor put into it, probably doesn't really pay to do it, I love having fresh applesauce and apple butter in the freezer. It tastes so good and it's great to pull out for a quick snack or to serve guests who've never had it.<br /><br />I think my husband thinks I am suffering from a manic spell today...perhaps he is right, but I sure as hell get a lot done that way! LOL!The Pastoral Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09794404741706646741noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2618294660036743693.post-55094805872594577112008-09-11T10:22:00.000-07:002008-09-11T10:30:08.336-07:00<div>I don't presume to assume<br />That you care one bit<br />About my John Deere kitchen<br />Or the old tractors in it.<br />But just because I want to,<br />I'm going to show you,<br />My kitchen</div><div>It's Bitchin'!! </div><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5244816783772549490" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRIKtLM0P8PxPbpsjzC9mf4_lbjKaSIif3T6Mc0Gjzko43St2GHp3psSet9ApyEJLYTUMdOR9pKo0GzK2UYNuiBQvb2Jrf_yVGTt1Zgk239yQi1DshzuEo1UjOTDYCLagk-0nwJAVn-fo/s320/100_3529.jpg" border="0" /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5244816790168226050" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEij9XaODM5cfJ1eR68oB2uCQ6gzrrYpBz2vXeCbeIxKKi9-D0D0jkGmGFYsNNvDYqZsDvkjjmeo9YHnfZ-xd3DOZgz-vQZyXmhHdF2pdtiwf4wrcHrK3UvFaPXiUlbfRCC4nh58S0WoT1Q/s320/100_3530.jpg" border="0" /><br /><div></div><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5244816794244709506" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi68svuCBsuH8eu6yEBu9lRerfBZYFqoPMlKL1ujZfUGDGim2JpcbLrkyXFT2eWs-0mn723kNZ0_b05mcnfQKsK2QBHs0lfvOTNZHrNSFjLF3ahZw4fjNjaNdnIEP4GJ67E5dHz8jYdcIA/s320/100_3531.jpg" border="0" /><br /><div>All of these tractors belonged to my husband as a child <strong>OR</strong> they belonged to<strong> </strong><em><strong>his father</strong>. </em>They are sacred items in our home and will be passed down to our boys. John Deere keeps food on our table and I thought it was fitting to display them in the exact place that I dish it up! Plus my husband thinks I rock for showing off his toys!</div>The Pastoral Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09794404741706646741noreply@blogger.com2