Divine Secrets of a Pastoral Princess

Hello Again!!

2009-07-19T05:23:00.000-07:00

Well it seems as if there is some renewed interest in this blog! I have received some e-mail request for my private blog and those invitations will be sent out this morning I promise. To some of my old readers who didn't follow me into my own private world I guess I should update you on me these days. As usually I am a mixed bag of drama...you know we can't ever have any fucking peace and quiet. My bipolar disorder is well under control finally, which is awesome! I have only had the lightest of swings, the highs which kick in my creativity even more and the lows that just make me a bit blah and bury my nose in a book.

The bad news is I have developed a bladder disease called Interstitial Cystitis...I let you wiki that cause it's too complicated to explain but it is very painful and has severely limited my mobility. It also severely limits my diet....SEVERELY. I have lost 80 pounds. Normally one would celebrate this (Yay! I secretly am - weighing less than I did when I got married just rocks in my book!) but my husband and doctors are not pleased. The weight came off rather rapidly in the beginning which caused it's own mixed bag of health problems. But I am making the effort now to maintain the weight I am at. Especially until surgery time which is August 10th. I need to be as healthy as I can for that. Ok boys cover your eyes cause it's girly stuff but I am having a hysterectomy, a TVI bladder implant and a bladder biopsy. Once we get the biopsy results we will know how to further proceed with bladder treatment. So far all treatments we have tried have only been mildly effective. Unfortunately some people never get relief from the pain....wonderful. Pain meds tend to increase my depressive side, so I try to avoid them. A heating pad works the best, but words ofo warning if you use a heating pad 24/7 (I know I know but you don't understand the PAIN) You develop lovely purplish brown splotches all over the skin. Internal burns. They don't hurt, so I continue doing that but I know it's horrifying to look out. Supposedly it WILL go away if I give up the heating pad for a month or two.

The kids are going great, the oldest starts Kindergarten this year. I have mixed emotions. Part of me is ready for him to be gone all day (bad mommy) just to ease some stress but part of me is shocked that I actually have a child in school! Real school!

So you might ask how have I been occupying my time?? Don't laugh....ok you can laugh. Twitter!! I am heavily involved in a role playing series for The Anita Blake Vampire Hunter Series if you are familiar with it. It started out as creating a character for myself that is intended to be prototype for a novel I am working on. HOWEVER, it boomed, and in true Jada fashion I had go overboard. I secretly play several characters in the series. Including a bisexual vampire, a gay man, two lesbian werewolves and wereleopard.....he they don't call me crazy for nothing :0)~ But on the flip side it keeps me writing everyday without have to put a lot of effort into it. It is spontaneous but not as stressful as trying to create the art that is piece of original fiction. It's almost like cheating...reading the Cliff notes instead of reading the book. I get to write on a daily basis with very little effort or brain power on my part. I just write what comes to me and what is appropriate to my character. My favorite character by part is a completely slutty wealthy woman...who secretly has a big heart and a horrible childhood. My therapist says I "get my inner freak on" with her. She's right!!! I love it. And she is a huge part of me. Just not a part I can freely be...

Ok this is probably a page long by now, but you know how much I like to talk. The offer still stands as in my previous post. tryingtosurvive101@gmail.com is the place to request an invitation to the private blog. Tell me who you are, a little about yourself and why you are interested in my blog. Most of my readers followed me there, but if you are just stumbling upon this old blog for the first time and enjoy it, drop me a line and I'll let you deeper into the REAL me. Bwaahahahahahah!

New Blog

2008-12-30T10:55:00.000-08:00

Ok a private blog is in the works. Contact me at tryingtosurvive101@gmail.com if you are interested in an invite. (spammers beware, this e-mail exists for this purpose only, don't bother)

If I don't already know you as an online friend or blogging buddy, please tell me a bit about yourself and why you are interested in reading my blog.

If I know you personally, as in you live near me, don't be offended if your request is not accepted. My blog is very personal, and I will not have my words and feelings used against me to hurt my family or myself. I know that sounds paranoid, but if you live here you also know what a nosey ass community this is and it's hard to know who to trust. Yes I realize some asshole could make up a fake identity, but I am also smart enough to track your IP address....just so you know.

I have been burned once and my family hurt, I will not take the chance of that happening again. I need to know my blog is a safe place for me to fall, to write and vent and express myself, and my community of 'web friends', who faithfully follow this blog have been there for me more than most of you who know me in real life. I don't fault anyone for that, I am not the same person I used to be, I understand that. I am sick. I will get well. But I may never be the person you knew. Maybe you can accept that, maybe not. But it is what it is.

I will still blog here occasionally as well.

Unsteady and Unsure

2008-12-30T06:51:00.000-08:00

Thank you all so much for all the support and response upon the return of my blog. I am still unsure what to do. How do you write about life when you can only write about a fraction of it. I think the best solution will be to create a private blog. I suppose I could post an e-mail address for ya'll to contact me so I can send you an invite and only invite the people that I trust. But truth be told, there are few local friends and readers (and there were only a small few) that I don't know if I can trust. Someone who found it and figured out who I was (Or they already knew about it) told my family. This whole fiasco has made me a paranoid freak about my writing...and my writing was my breath. As dramatic as this sounds a tiny part of me has died over this. I hate hurting people more than anything, and then to be choked of my one saving grace has doubled the agony.

My therapist says I should keep this blog, write whatever the hell I want in it and if people don't like it they just shouldn't read it. (Ok her wording was a little more crass and blunt, but she was adamant that I keep writing here) Which of course made me feel a bit justified in expressing myself in a mostly anonymous manner, but the family feels it's not fair for me to write about them. I did try to explain that none of my regular readers even KNOW this family so what does it matter?

And I want to address one issue that has bothered me since this whole thing started. During this drama my husband was informed that I wrote things about him in my blog. It was implied to him that I was writing things about him that were unfair or unkind. Can I just say for the record my husband has been invited, welcomed, and even begged to read this thing. I left the address in the address bar at all times, hoping just once he might take the time to read my blog and perhaps get to know me in ways he doesn't currently know me. That just one time he might show a glimmer of interest.... He had no interest. He couldn't be bothered. He didn't care. And truthfully that hurt a little bit....no, a lot. He never has shown any interest in my writing. And he knew this was a personal blog. I explained in detail what this blog was, what I was writing, and why I was writing it. In the year that I spilled my guts on here, he never once even glanced at it. But suddenly I was the enemy for a few moments when he was informed that I had written about him. I was very quick to remind him that it has ALWAYS BEEN HERE FOR HIM TO READ....he just never gave a shit. Only when someone made him feeel like he should be upset about it.

So that is my rant. And I am disobeying the rules by writing this, but I do feel like I should be allowed to defend myself regarding that matter. Hubby seems fine with it now, or at least resigned to it, I told him if he was worried about what I wrote about him he should sit down and READ this blog word for word...he still didn't bother. So he has lost his vote in the matter and he knows it. I won't lie and pretend that even after all this that the fact that he doesn't care to read a single word of it hurts me. And now I have destroyed so much of it in my manic panic that I may just start elsewhere. A clean page. I can remember days when I still used a pen and a blank piece of paper seemed like an ocean of possibilities. Maybe a new blog will best.

If I do that I will post an e-mail address for ya'll to contact me, and start a new private blog. I want to keep this one open in case someone new stumbles upon it that could benefit from what little I have left of my bi-polar journey. They can contact me to be invited to the new blog.

I'm Back...??? Maybe

2008-12-27T17:24:00.000-08:00

Well the wounds of the family fall out are healing, but I am still at odds with myself about keeping this blog. It is almost impossible for a creative person to censor themselves, especially a mentally ill one who desperately needs an outlet for emotional release.

Unfortunately I destroyed many months worth of entries is an frantic panic attack after the initial smackdown, which I deeply regret. My journey into bipolar disorder was very important to me and now it has been destroyed. Which unfortunately, irrational decisions such as those are classic bipolar behaviors. I felt like I had to make it all disappear to please others. I have been very sick over the issue and have unfortunately had to spend a lot of the holidays desperately trying to appear OK. I am still not ok. I am sure the people I hurt are still not ok either. I struggle with the fear that I ruined the holidays for everyone. It seems I ruin a lot of things anymore....perhaps I have ruined things all my life and am only just now aware of them. Perhaps am a destructive tornado who is too blunt and honest for her own good. Free with my thoughts and feelings, in this anonymous floating space....who was I kidding. Nobody on the planet is ever anonymous forever.

Now I feel naked and scared. I don't feel I have a safe place to write anymore. A private blog makes sense, but then again the people who stumbled upon my writings that could relate were the exact people I was 'talking' to. And you, my faithful readers as well. I don't know what to do yet. But I know that I cannot NOT write....it will be the death of me.

My MIL insists that it's fine that I keep my blog, she even bought be a new computer for Christmas because ours tanked...I am just not to write about my family anymore....thus the censorship. Which since I am no longer as anonymous as I thought, every word I write is going to be scrutinized and up for interpretation. Which is a dangerous thing to do to a writer, especially one struggling with mental illness. Some words are just words.....some feelings just are what they are, and they are temporary. Some thoughts are flashes of light that dim as quickly as they arrived....writers don't hold these things back. It's who I am. It's apparently an unfortunate part of my personality. At least to those who can never understand.

I don't know what will happen, but I thought I would check in, I have gotten some worried messages from some of you and I just want you to know I am alive and ok. Or at least as ok as I can be right now.

Last Entry

2008-12-06T08:44:00.000-08:00

I have been trying to delete all my posts, but as there are over 300 it's going to take me a very long time, so I will just leave this up long enough for my regular readers to see be made aware that this blog is going to be deleted in a few days. I feel like my heart is being ripped out, this blog was my safe place to express myself. I feel like I am burning a diary.

It seems my anonymous outlet for writing about my feelings is no longer anonymous. I know that I shared this address with a few of my close friends and some family on my Dad's side. Apparently I am anonymous no more and have to say goodbye. My husband's family is now reading my blog. I have hurt people by expressing my feelings and I fear the only hope I have of repairing any damage I have done is by silencing myself. I will still try to keep up with everyone's blogs. You, my readers, have brought me a lot of joy and comfort in the last year. Thank you for that.

I will miss you all. I don't know how I can possibly find a way to express myself the same way again.

Shannon

2008-09-25T12:07:00.000-07:00

Send me a new link, I can't get into your blog....I tried to e-mail you a long time ago but just realized it was a 'no-reply' addy... :0)~

Grey

2008-09-24T17:05:00.000-07:00

Tonight I feel like I have lost something that wasn't mine to loose. There is a song floating in my brain that is fitting and it needs to be shared. This is one of those cryptic blogs that only I will understand, but you know me, sometimes I just do that....something I couldn't have, shouldn't have and have wanted for years....love that is impossible, lives that are complicated, responsibilities that clutter the path of life like construction signs and detours. Of course it's Ani who is fitting for my mood tonight

the sky is grey
the sand is grey
and the ocean is grey

and i feel right at home
in this stunning monochrome
alone in my way

i smoke and i drink
and every time i blink
i have a tiny dream

but as bad as i am
i'm proud of the fact
that i'm worse than i seem

what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want and still i want more
maybe some tiny shiny key
will wash up on the shore

you walk through my walls
like a ghost on tv
you penetrate me

and my little pink heart
is on its little brown raft
floating out to sea

and what can i say
but i'm wired this way
and you're wired to me

and what can i do
but wallow in you
unintentionally
what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want and still i want more
maybe some tiny shiny key
will wash up on the shore

regretfully
i guess i've only got three
simple things to say:
why me?
why this now?
why this way?

with overtones ringing
and undertows pulling away
under a sky that is grey
on sand that is grey
by an ocean that's grey

what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want
and still i want more
maybe some tiny shiny key
will wash up on the shore

Bye Bye Betty Bop

2008-09-24T06:40:00.000-07:00

One of the toughest chicks I know died yesterday after a long tooth and nail fight with brain cancer. She had 11 siblings and is an aunt to several of my friends. That woman had a lot of fight in her and I am sad that she is gone. Betty was one of those gals that could take care of herself, she was widowed in her 20's and never remarried. It was humilating for her to have to be taken care of and I am sure she is at peace now after struggling so long to fight her caregivers and loved ones about her independance. Betty was one of those people who you could never really crack the shell on. Nobody truly knew Betty. Even her own siblings didn't know her home phone number if she didn't want them to. She didn't need help 'from nobody' and she planned to keep it that way. She had spunk and fire and I adored her. I will miss her.

Rest in peace Betty Bop, you will be missed by more people than you can even imagine!

Clean Bill of Health in Never Never Land

2008-09-23T18:44:00.000-07:00

The comments from my last entry regarding going back to school are weighing on me. Perhaps I am fooling myself. Perhaps dealing with this beast of an illness is going to consume more of my life than I choose to believe that it will.

There will never be a 'clean bill of health' for my disorder. This will be with me forever. And will I forever be unqualified for any respectable job worth getting a degree for because of my mental stability. Yeah yeah I know all about my civil rights, but we also know it's a bunch of bullshit, if someone doesn't want to hire you they will find a way.

Perhaps I should just chuck the whole idea and keep trying to plug along as a writer.......I don't know what to do. I feel like I am floating out there aimless. And Anonymous is probably right, I am not at ALL ready for a major life change like school. But being in the mixed manic state I have been in the last two days and the 'excited phone calls' from the used car dealer guidance rep, I got wrapped up in something that is a pipe dream for me.....

I don't want to grow up to be nothing....LOL Yes I know I am quite grown up, and I will never be nothing. I just wanted to be more.

The Seeds of Doubt

2008-09-23T07:24:00.000-07:00

So I have been talking to a guidance counselor from a University that shall remain nameless. She pissed me off today. I told her I did not want to get an Elementary Ed degree as she was pushing me to get. Clearly I am not getting the job that I applied for or they would have called me by now, I am sad about that but they want a Bachelor's degree....obviously I don' t have one, so I want to follow my heart and get a degree in Psychology. I really think I could be of help to women like me. Kids like me. Hell people like me. I am a survivor. The skills I have and the mistakes I have made learning to be a survivor could be invaluable to someone and that is really where my heart is leaning.

She advises me against becoming a psychologist because of my disorder. She says suicide rates are high amongst bipolar therapists. "Check the stats" she says and then goes on with her used car salesmen spiel about Elementary Ed and about how it doesn't matter what your BA is in as long as you have one (which sounds like BS if you ask me :0) and if I wanted to do Psychology later I could. Well if I was going to go to the trouble of working towards a Master's in Psych, why wouldn't I start there to begin with???? Duh! I'd end up taking classes I hadn't fulfilled with my BA in order to get my MA......AAAAUUUGGGHHH But the biggest thing is telling me I can't do something! I am kind of like Ruth from Fried Green Tomatoes "Don't say neva to me!" That's the quickest way to get me to do it! (I had a reading teacher tell me I would never learn to read in 4th grade because I always acted up in her class.....I was bored in her class
~ended up in Advance Reading the next year~....and look at me now Mrs. Sterchi, not only can I read but I can write so ppptttthhhhh! :0) And to tell me it's because of my illness, because she has a son with BPD blah blah blah....no two people or diagnosis's are alike.....and I AM checking the stats....can't find any. None.

So please, by all means....someone show me some proof. And I dare ya to tell me I can't do this.....BPD or not! I hate people who plant seeds of doubt for their own gain. I am sure she gets commission money off of her 'sales'

Layers

2008-09-22T05:17:00.000-07:00

As I have been going through this intense journey of self discovery, therapy and illness something very sad has occurred to me. Something that I think when I look back I intentionally did to myself. Some twisted form of protection. Layers upon layers of protection to be less attractive. To drive away unwanted (and perhaps even wanted) pursuers. Victims of sexual abuse often do this to themselves and it has occurred to me, and is becoming evidently clear that in 13 years, I let myself go from this :

To this:
In the attempts of protection. In some twisted way, even though he doesn't even exist in my life anymore, it would drive him away. Perhaps it's even a punishment. Punishing myself for things I am not at fault for, but at the time felt I was. This statement sounds horribly conceited but I think I felt if I were less attractive, none of this would have happened. I realize that is not a true statement, but as a kid that is how I felt. Now the question is what to do about it. I have let myself go from a 130 pound healthy looking girl to a well....let's just say I am quite fluffy and sporting more than my fair share of extra pounds, my weigh hasn't doubled, but in a few years if I keep going at the rate I am going...well..... I don't want to keep punishing my body for something it is not responsible for.......where to begin? My meds are making me gain weight too and that is making it even harder. Oddly enough they kill my appetite, but I gained 4 pounds in a week....although that could have been my monthly visitor (sorry TMI) anyway...I hate this about myself. I rarely even look in the mirror. I hate what I have become. And it doesn't help that baking is one of my favorite hobbies LOL!

But I feel as if there is some significance in figuring out what the cause is. Maybe at least I can get it stopped, because it seems that every year adds another 5-10 pounds. But my motivation to loose it is very low......lazy? Perhaps. Or perhaps still trying to protect myself........how do you shed the need to do that? I realize as we age our bodies go to hell anyway, and looks don't matter in the grand scheme of things, but when I look at myself in the mirror I often think "What have I done to myself?"

A smackin' good life...

2008-09-22T03:31:00.000-07:00

I had a nightmare the other night...one that is still haunting me. It's one of those dreams that leave that nagging feeling as if there is some significant meaning hidden in it. I had a breakdown, needed to be hospitalized and the only people in my life who came to be with me were Bethany and Sgt. Volk. I am not sure what that means......maybe they are the only two I truly trust with my life and the darkside of my brain? Either way it was disturbing. I was glad they were there, but saddened to have no family there. Maybe they are my family....

So on a happy note....get your needles ready and your engines fired up! The orders are pouring in for the website!!! (see sidebar, I have added a link) In fact if they keep up like this I will be swamped. That is a good thing because I quit my job at the tavern for now. I can't handle the fast pace and the noise there anymore, since my depression in July it's like a part of my brain just can't handle all that hustle and bustle and screaming drunks LOL! So we need the money. I am excited. I forgot how much I loved to sew, I gave it up for the summer, but being back feels good. Although carpal tunnel syndrome is back with a vengance. I let the kids slap my hands when they fall asleep, they think that's funny. I hold my arms out and let them just slap the shit out of my hands until I can feel them again and go back to sewing! LOL! I'm setting a wonderful example ain't I?

Hope all my blogging buddies out there are doing well, I worry when I don't see new posts or worse yet when a blog has been deleted. You can always contact me via my stitching site, let me know you are ok. If you are reading this, you know who you are. I hope everything is ok sweetie!! I see you have deleted your blog :0( I am worried about you. How are the meds working?

More Bags...Need Opinions!

2008-09-20T13:55:00.000-07:00

Ok still hoping to get some feedback here. I have made a few more bags. To give you an idea of dimensions the Olde Crow Bag is 7 x 10", while the Peace bag measures 5.5 x 7". The Merry Christmas and Blessings to You and Yours bags are both about 11 x 6''. What do you think? Am I wasting my time? Will people buy these things????

Yes, I realize there are no handles on the Friends are Forever bag...I was in a hurry to post pics, I'll get to it.

Would you buy this?? NEED FEEDBACK!

2008-09-18T10:45:00.003-07:00

This is my new idea for my stitchery website....would you buy these? I am thinking of selling them for $10, and it's a gift that lasts because the 'gift bag' can be reused for decoration or as a useful item.

I need feedback folks, tell me the truth would ya!!! I have several styles, colors and phrases planned out, many that are not necessarily strictly holiday related. Would you buy this for you wife, mother, daughter, grandmama, friend, or other lady in your life? And is $10 a fair price. Larger bags may cost more. Some have full square bottoms, those may cost a bit more too, just because they are extra work. SPEAK UP PLEASE!

Hungry Hypo Hippo

2008-09-18T10:45:00.002-07:00

Well it's definately full on hypomania time in this house. I have been laying in bed since 4 a.m. trying not to get up, knowing I need some rest. I have boundless energy and feel really great today...the problem is, now I know there is going to be a crash invovled....ugghh. When will it hit? Probably tomorrow when I work two jobs. I think tomorrow night will be my last night working at the tavern for a while. I can't handle it. I hate that too because it was my one night 'out'. Even though I was working I got to see all my friends....yes all my friends hang out in a tavern all weekend LOL...

I am getting ready to make my coffee for the morning, which I don't need but I know I will have a massive headache if I don't drink. Today will be a productive day if nothing else LOL! I could tell last night I was cycling into a shift. I think my menses are playing a big part. I have been mildly manic all week but today I am ready to conquer the world! But now that I know what I am dealing with I will resist my Joan of Arc impulse and just conquer the kitchen full of apples I have....

Yes MORE apples! When we went to the orchard yesterday I just couldn't resist buying one more peck I thought, well an Apple Crisp and some more Apple Butter would be good, of course there will be apple jelly from the juice of the butter! So....I will keep myself busy doing that during naptime. I am taking the kids to the park today, and to Wal-Mart. I have to find a sewing needle...

My needle broke on my sewing machine last night!!! AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!! Just when I was on a roll making these adorable little handbags that I am going to start selling. I had finally figured out how to make a square bottom bag (never one to read any directions or follow a pattern, I had to just figure it out myself LOL) and then clink the needle was gone. Damn it....

Going to go eat some more apple crisp....yumm...I am going to be as big as this house if I don't stop baking!

Impaling Palin

2008-09-18T10:45:00.001-07:00

Can I just be completely un-liberated, anti-feminist, and chauvinistic for a moment? This thought has been bothering me about Sarah Palin. If you are such a wonderful mother, such a wonderful human being....why wouldn't you pass up the nomination for VP to take care of your 17 year old daughter, who is going to need your support and attention now more than any other time in her life? This is strictly my opinion but if my daughter were pregnant I would be completely focused on figuring out how to help and teach her how to be responsible for this child. As a candidate she is completely unavailable and unfocused on her family. As VP she would be the same. This bothers me. I understand ambition. I have plenty of my own. But if she was that awesome, the offer would have come around again sometime......wouldn't you think it would be better to focus on the problems you have in your own home?

I welcome a debate on this, what do ya'll think. I like her spunk, I disagree with her on almost every issue and I hate that she has flip flopped on so many things, but that's every politician. But this thought about her pregnant teenage daughter keeps popping in my head. Why would you abandon your family when they need you the most? Is power really that important? Even the thought at the chance of being the leader of the free world is not enough to make me toss my kids aside to further my career. Now think about this long and hard before you slam me. I am not saying she doesn't love her kids. But there is no way she is going to be around to help with that baby.....is Bristol going to be left to learn about parenting with a Nanny and her Dad? As a mother myself, helping with life changing milestones are some of the things I look forward to (and also dread) the most.......Just my opinion, but I think she has made a bad call for her family, a choice fueled by being power hungry.

Couches in Heaven

2008-09-18T10:45:00.000-07:00

Going on filed trip to see some apple trees
To learn about the blossoms and the birds and the bees
Ain’t it just a fine time,
Finally get to go somewhere
Find out the elastic is shot in your underwear

Yes it was a Pre-K field trip today, and YES I was pulling my underwear up all day. I hadn’t noticed that they had apparently seen better days when I got dressed this morning. Ugghhh. So anyhoo apple picking and a “Mommy Date”, it was a great day. River and I went to McD’s where I tried to be as patient as I could as he slowly ate….one French fry at a time….dipping each bite in ketchup….checking to make sure each bit had the proper amount of ketchup….re-dipping if it didn’t. I eat like a NASCAR driver drives on the interstate, I just can’t help it. I think I am so used to eating on the run or scarfing down meals to tend to other things that I forget there are times when I can just relax and actually taste my food.

So River has been asking a lot about death lately. I was expecting this. We recently put autumn flowers on my Mother’s grave and he desperately wants to understand the concept. Where is she? Why is she not here? Why do we go to that place? (cemetery) I have been prepared for this and figured I would try to handle it as nonchalantly as I can. I tell her she is in heaven, she doesn’t live in this world anymore. I tell him the cemetery is just a place where we put pretty rocks up to remember them and we put flowers on it to keep the rocks pretty. I figure once we have to face an actual burial I will get into the rest of all that, but for now no way, he worries too much as it is. He asks the funniest questions about Mom and heaven:

Does she have legs?
Is it hard to walk there?
Do they have chairs?
Is she a little girl there?
Can she eat hot dogs?

I always try to answer in the best way I know how.

Yes she has legs just like me and you.
No it’s not hard to walk there.
Yes they have chairs, I bet they even have couches and rocking chairs and bean bags.
I bet she can be whatever she wants to be in heaven. If she wakes up one day and wants to be a little girl she can be.
I bet she can eat all the hot dogs she wants.

His answer to all of these……."They have COUCHES there???!!!! That’s SUPER COOL MOM!"

The real couch session

2008-09-17T08:28:00.001-07:00

I saw my therapist for the first time today (not to be confused with my shrink....few are privileged enough to need both but of course I've always been er, um, special) and I love her! She's awesome. Any chick who gets a tattoo to celebrate her 60th birthday is a rockin' chick in my book. We've been through many of the same experiences in our life and I can tell we see eye to eye on a lot of things. The only word that kept coming to mind after our session was 'smooth'....even the car seemed to drive smoother on the ride home. I felt so calm and purged. It was marvelous.

And she really has a couch! Two actually, a couch and a love seat...they are deliciously fluffy and the atmosphere is like that of a spa, not a stuffy doctor's office. I almost expected someone to come in and start working on my chicken feet and hooker knees while we chatted.

I can tell she is someone I am going to be able to be completely honest with. I need that in my life. And there are demons in me that need to be vomited out and kicked down the drain, even if I have to used a stick to do it....I think she can help me with that. I am very excited about working with her. Now my only problem is childcare for my sessions. Any volunteers??? It's becoming an issue between River having 'parent' activities at school and me seeing a shrink AND a therapist, AND working at the bank AND working at the tavern. I am wearing out my favors with the mother in law......I have to figure out some solutions. That is my current issue to obsess over at the moment.

Let the obsession begin.....

Back in Business

2008-09-17T08:28:00.000-07:00

Well I am finally re-opening my stitchery website...maybe I'm nuts (arf arf I'm so funny...). I am anxious to see how much business I get this season. I was busier than a one armed paper hanger last Christmas.

If you see something you are interested in, get your orders in now! http://www.starklysimplestitches.com/

Well things are ok around here. Sew sew sewing. It's one of those hobbies that you forget how much you enjoy and how good you are at until you pick it up again. I haven't sewed for two months now, I took the summer off, and now I am really enjoying it again. It is a nice hobby to have for crazy folk like me :0)~ It's busy work. And repetitive. I am going to expand the business to include handbags, gift bags and curtains soon if I don't get that job I applied for. Or maybe even if I do....we'll just see how much time I have. I have already started on the gift bags, they will be holiday gift bags and then you can stuff the bag with some dried goodies or potpourri and you have a gift that lasts forever.

Ok gotta go sew......Sew Ya Later! Ha! Ha! I just crack myself the hell up!

Edited to add:

Someone asked to see the Wedding Dress project when it was finished, it has it's own page on my website, but I will post it here as well, the picture of the little pillows isn't very clear, but it's all I have...Bethany took the pics, blame her :0)~ (j/k B you know I love ya!) The lace trim was so delicate on this dress, I used it to 'frame' the piece. I believe the family was very pleased :0)

All of the women in the family (there are only daughters) and three granddaughters got a pillow made from the dress so that they each have a little piece of it for their own.You can go get your Kleenex now...I'm done.

Just Another Manic Monday

2008-09-15T20:15:00.000-07:00

Well I must be having a manic spell because I am wide awake and it's waaaay past my bedtime. It could explain the home made chicken soup, rolls, apple butter, applesauce, apple jelly and 5 loads of laundry I have done in the last two days.........oh well, my mind feels ok. That's all that matters. I just have a little extra energy today.

Not really sure why I am blogging, boredom I suppose. I have nothing to say at all. Blah blah blah......maybe tomorrow I will find something brilliant to write about.

Better Day

2008-09-15T18:21:00.000-07:00

Ok, maybe I was PMS'n a bit in my last post, but it was all true. I was just awfully growly huh?

Hubby and I had a good talk this evening. He took the time to read some literature I found him online. Things are better for now.

On a really good note I am still feeling like these meds are helping tremendously. I think I have found the right fit. I am still cycling, but it's becoming almost unnoticable to anyone but me.....Yay! Having a down day today, but after what happened last night I am not surprised. But to make me feel better I made more applebutter and tons and tons of apple jelly....YUMMO! This winter that is all going to be soooooo yummy!

If I hear one more time....

2008-09-15T06:28:00.000-07:00

"Your meds must not be working"... I'm going to scream. How do I make him understand that this is not something I can snap my fingers and make go away...because believe you me if I could I FUCKING WOULD!!! How can I explain that this is not all about him, that every mood swing, every shift, every anxiety is not in some way related to some sort of anger or hatred towards him. We even had the 'dealing with this for the rest of our lives' conversation last night and I told him if he didn't think he could handle it he might as well pack up now, because I don't have any answers. I don't have any way to make it go away. I realize I am not the person he married. I get it. I hate it. More for my children than for him. He's a grown up. Why can't he act like one. Pick up a fucking book...see a therapist, search online...anything to be pro-active in this rather than make me feel like a fucking lunatic who needs a new pill every time I am in a bad mood, or 'too good of a mood'. I may never again be that same person I was 4 months ago, and especially not 4 years ago. But this is beyond my control. I have vowed to do everything I can to be pro-active in my health, better diet, exercise, education, therapy and medication. He has done nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. When this started he vowed to support me in whatever may come. This is not support....and it's not helping me mentally.

I don't cry. But I feel like crying today. I just might have to. Of course this morning there were "sorry's" all around, there always are, but I am so sick and fuck and tired of sorry I could puke the letters out into the toilet bowl and watch them scramble and swirl as they make their way down the pot......I'm done with sorry. I can only fix myself. If that means doing it by myself, so be it.

Edited to add that after I posted this I realized it sounded like I was throwing in the towel. Don't panic...I haven't packed up yet...I just meant that things are going to have to change or we are not going to be able to live under the same roof.

Cathartic Cooking

2008-09-14T05:32:00.000-07:00

For me, there is something extremely relaxing about peeling, slicing, dicing, mixing, boiling, kneading, rolling, and creating food. It's much like writing or painting. You start with a blank canvas. Nothing. And with a few tools and some creativity you create a masterpiece.

Today it's chicken soup and home made yeast rolls for my Daddy. Sgt. Volk and I spent much of the day Friday picking guitar and singing and it made me miss my Dad. Our relationship is a fickle one, but he is a musician and all the singing and pickin' and grinnin' just made me long to see him. So I am loading up the boys and some good food to take to him. He is terminally ill with COPD and takes horrible care of himself. I gave up trying to fix him years ago, feeling like if he wanted to die in a tavern on a barstool then so be it....but today, and maybe just for today, I felt the urge to care for him. A healthy meal and a healthy dose of his grandbabies will do him good. Maybe make him happy enough to stay out of the bar for a day or two....although I've tried all my life to make him happy enough to stop doing that and it's never happened....I won't hold my breathe. But instead I am doing this for me. I need to see my Daddy. I'll take care of my needs and he can take care of his needs as he sees fit. I love him. There's a lot of reasons not to....but I do. And he loves me, this I do know, he just doesn't have many skills to show it.

Jada Appleseed

2008-09-13T18:10:00.000-07:00

My neighbor, the rhubarb growing, bee keeping wine making neighbor has apples ready....apples galore. So today the boys and I went apple picking. We picked a 5 gallon bucket full, came home made a dozen of them into dumplings, and the rest into apple butter and applesauce. We had so much fun *ok mommy did* that we went back and picked another 5 gallon bucket full! I just finished washing them and am pooped....the only thing I hate about picking apples is washing them. If you've never seen what an apple, fresh off the tree looks like, especially out in the country, it's not what you'd expect. It's more like a black speckled, mildew looking ball. You have to scrub and scrub to the road dust, dirt and bug shit off of them...but underneath all of that is that shining yellow globe of golden heaven.

Although the cost saved, verses the labor put into it, probably doesn't really pay to do it, I love having fresh applesauce and apple butter in the freezer. It tastes so good and it's great to pull out for a quick snack or to serve guests who've never had it.

I think my husband thinks I am suffering from a manic spell today...perhaps he is right, but I sure as hell get a lot done that way! LOL!

2008-09-11T10:22:00.000-07:00

I don't presume to assume
That you care one bit
About my John Deere kitchen
Or the old tractors in it.
But just because I want to,
I'm going to show you,
My kitchen

It's Bitchin'!!

All of these tractors belonged to my husband as a child OR they belonged to his father. They are sacred items in our home and will be passed down to our boys. John Deere keeps food on our table and I thought it was fitting to display them in the exact place that I dish it up! Plus my husband thinks I rock for showing off his toys!

Idioms you Idiots!!

2008-09-11T05:02:00.000-07:00

Idiom: an expression whose meanings cannot be inferred from the meanings of the words that make it up

Let's just examine this whole pig with lipstick bullshit....I am going to give you a list of idioms and put them into context of the Presidential Campaign....then I am going to give you the media reaction to said phrase...mostly because I am avoiding housework ..... and a nerd. Now before I start this let us get one thing straight. These are potential phrases....I support Barrack Obama, I don't care how freakin' hot Sarah Palin is....LOL!

A Dime A Dozen
Politicians like John McCain are a dime a dozen
Media response = Insult to McCain as a washed up political hag.

A Leopard Can't Change His Spots
Obama talks about change, but a leopard can't change his spots
Media response = McCain campaign referring to Obama as an animal and not a human being.

Son of a Gun
Joe Biden sure is one Son of Gun
Media response = Has the Democratic ticket changed their stance on Gun Control???? Scandal!!

Third times a charm
It seems the Republican Party thinks the Third time is the the Charm...maybe they will get it right this time.
Media Response = Obama campaign slams Bush and McCain in one fell swoop!!!

Smell Something Fishy
Sarah Palin appears to be the pitt bull of this campaign but something smells fishy
Media Response = Obama campaign slams Palin's personal hygiene (ok uncalled for but it was just screaming to be written...forgive me Lord, that was rude)

Pig In A Poke (means a deal that is made without first examining it.)
McCain sure is a pig in a poke over his VP choice
Media Response = Now Obama calls McCain a PIG too!!!

Don't Look A Gift Horse In The Mouth
The RNC couldn't look a gift horse in the mouth regarding the VP choice of Sarah Palin!
Media Response = RNC chairman calls Sarah Palin a Horse!!!

Cock and Bull Story
The media has created this cock and bull story about Sarah Palin passing off her infant son as her daughter's.
Media Response = Well we got the cock part right...she's knocked up! (Oh Lord I apologize again...sometimes I just can't resist)

All Bark And No Bite
Sarah Palin is all bark and no bite when it comes to environmental protection
Media Response= Obama campaign accuses Palin of barking at tree huggers....

Yes yes, these are jokes, I made them up, but geez people. Have we forgotten that millions of women in Africa are being gang raped everyday? Billions are starving. Soldiers are dying? Who gives a flying fuck if Obama used a common phrase like a pig in lipstick...a phrase by the way John McCain used himself last fall! I hate the media!

Depakote Day 2 1/2

2008-09-11T04:36:00.000-07:00

Well I think the Depakote might be a much better fit for me.....but it's early. I said the same thing the last time in the first two days into the new drugs....it's kind of like dating. You get all oooey gooey over someone, think maybe this could be the ONE... then you realize all he ever does is talk about himself! LOL! I knew I would be going through this 'dating' process with the meds....it was the thing I dreaded most. I hope this one finally sticks.

I have tons and tons of opinions on politics lately but can't seem to find the time or gumption to write about them. Maybe today I will have time and be inspired. But can I just say that the whole 'lipstick on a pig' thing just cracks me the hell up. Get over yourself people. Sometime someone is going to say "Well that's the pot calling the kettle black" about Obama and it's gonna be "oooooooooh he/she's a racist! I can't believe they said that!" and we will be hearing about it for weeks....it's an expression folks. Get over it. I could list a ton of them that if taken out of context could be considered extremely offensive.....now that sounds fun, maybe I will do that today :0)~

Home for Good

2008-09-10T18:34:00.000-07:00

My buddy Sgt. Volk is finally home for good!!! She signed out at midnight and drove all night to get back to IL...took her about 13 hours I think. She is not officially out of the Army until Oct. 19, but she's never going back! LOL! (she's not AWOL, she's using leave)

She came over this evening and we went 4-wheeler riding around the countryside and through the woods. It felt so nice to enjoy the great weather, the beautiful scenery and having her home! We had a few adventures in the woods, but like true country girls we got through the logs and thick brush and of course ended up at the tavern for a cold beer. I tried one, it didn't make me feel to bad so I had another, but I mixed it with tomato juice to water it down (one of my favorite cocktails.....beer, juice, salt...)

Words can't describe how good it is to have her home. Now I just hope she can survive her homecoming. It irks her to no end to answer question after question about the war and the ARMY in general. It's to the point now that a few of us try to be her wing man and just say something along the lines of "The Soldier has no comment at this time!"....I am going to have a T-Shirt made that says "Ask me no questions" on the front and on the back it will say "I'll only tell you lies....." War has been hard on her, and it only makes it worse to have to listen to everyone else's two cents on it....leave her the fuck alone. She served her country, she didn't expect to go to war...but she did it, she survived it and now she just wants to move on with her life. That may prove to be hard for a while as she gets settled into civilian life. But she knows she always has me...she can just come to my house and not say a single word and I understand. I love her to death and am so glad she is home and safe! Welcome home darlin'!!!!

Violet Beauregard here....

2008-09-10T09:03:00.000-07:00

Well today, so far is a good day. The only problem I have is that I haven't eaten yet today and I know that is a big no no, I am supposed to eat 3 meals a day blah blah blah....the thing is I am gaining weight! All these meds are probably a big part of it, but I am fat enough, sweet Jesus I am gonna have to be rolled out of the factory by the Umpa Lumpas soon if I'm not careful! At least I won't be blue...oh wait, if I'm depressed I guess I would be....LMAO I crack myself up! And if you have no idea what I am talking about go pick up a copy of the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory ...clearly there is something missing from your childhood...you were seriously deprived.

Now I know why they keep raggin' on Britney Spears and her 'baby bump'...she's not pregnant she's just trying to stay sane.

Take 5 of these and call me in the morning.....

2008-09-09T18:31:00.000-07:00

More pills....out with the old and in with the new....getting rid of the Abilify and Lamictal. It apparently causes a reaction in me that is agonizing...ANXIETY...constant anxiety. Not the worry type anxiety, but the can't sit still, restless, need to run 10 miles but no way I'm dragging my fat ass out there to do it kind of anxiety. So back to a small smidge of Seroquel and a big helping of Depakote. Maybe this will do the trick. I am tired of ingesting a pharmacy everyday. This makes 5 a day not including ibuprofen and things!

No word on the job yet either, I'm thinking that's not good.....so it's back to looking into school.

Head Shrinker Day

2008-09-09T09:38:00.000-07:00

Today is my second psych visit. I hope they straighten my meds out a bit better. I lowered my dosages on my own since they never called me back and that has seemed to help some, as well as excercise. We shall see what they have to say about me today

Memories of Pappy

2008-09-09T04:16:00.000-07:00

I just had a very fond memory that I wanted to share. Any of my cousins reading this blog will chuckle with a tear in their eyes when they read it. I was drinking my morning coffee with too much sugar and too much cream, as usual. A habit I picked up from Pappy around the age of 6! LOL

Pappy used to drink a ton of coffee in the morning. He would get up at 4 a.m every day and Grandma would have the first pot loaded and ready for him to just push the button. Usually by the time I woke up he would be on pot #2. He always drank his coffee in a cup with a saucer...always had to the saucer. The reason being is because he actually drank the coffee from the saucer. As you know coffee is usually too hot to drink straight of the pot. Pappy would put in his sugar, cream and coffee (in that order) and then sit down to watch the news or the latest game show....then he would tip his cup and spill his coffee into his saucer, let it sit for a second and then drink it from the saucer. Now as a child this looked like a lot of fun, so I started getting up earlier and earlier at my visits to their house so I could drink coffee with Pappy. It's such a fond little memory I have of my hillbilly Grandpa....and hillbilly he was buddy! And bless my Grandma's ever lovin' heart she never ever complained about the mess he made at the table every morning with his little coffee quirk. But I do recall that she always had one of those cheap plastic table cloths on the table at all times....

As a wife and mother myself now...I get it....I understand the constant cheap table cloth.

I miss them dearly. If I could have 10 minutes back with them it would be wonderful. Especially my Grandma. As awful as it may sound to say out loud, I miss her more than my own mother. Not because my mother didn't love me, but mother was so ill that she was no longer herself at the end. But my Grandma loved me dearly. She taught me so much about love, life, perseverance and making do with what you had. She always made the best out of any situation thrown at her, and some were horrible, and she did it with a smile. They both grew up dirt poor, endured WW II when my Grandma didn't hear from Pappy for over two years, while she raised their 3 children...she never gave up hope that he was alive...endured his alcoholism when he returned from the war and went on to have 5 more kids. I can't imagine her life was easy at all....but she sure made it look that way. Her endless faith in God carried her through all her struggles. I try to remember that when I am struggling.

I love you Grandma and Pappy...if there's an internet in heaven and you learned to read well, I hope you can see this! :0)~

Blue Balled Bull

2008-09-08T15:57:00.000-07:00

They must have moved our Bull's favorite cow. He stands every evening on the hill at the fence staring over at the pasture across the road. Sometimes he hollars for her and other time he just stands there quietly. He has other cows to 'dance' with here, but they must have stolen his best girl. She's probably already knocked up. It's funny to watch him.

If I am out there smoking on the porch, when I can sneak out, he stares at me as if to say "Those things are gonna kill ya lady!"....I want to ask him "Yeah, so will blue balls!" at least that's what teenage boys think! LMAO!

2008-09-07T19:13:00.000-07:00

A is for ass, as in pain in the ass.
N nothing seems to help
X is for exhausted
I want to be able to relax
Even my toes won't sit still
This has to stop sometime
Yup, I'm having issues......

I just can't seem to get rid of my anxiety in the last few days. My brain won't shut up. I don't know if it's because of the job, or family issues, or my fishin' buddy finally getting her butt home and out of the ARMY, money issues or what. It could be good anxiety or bad anxiety but it just won't go away!!! Even my 'downer' pills....I feel like a pill popper....don't even make a dent in it. I can take two Valium and I am still going 100mph. On the flip side I have been sewing like a mad woman and am going to be ready to reopen my website soon....and my house is clean. But my back hurts, my hands are sore and I still have that headache....but I just can't sit still. Not even right now...gotta go. It's almost 10 p.m. and I am going to go sew some more.

Plain Old Fashioned Country Girl Braggin'

2008-09-06T04:43:00.000-07:00

Ok I just have to show you my flowers....the ones that were successful anyway. I got a little carried away this spring....remember I told you I am notorious for not following through on my big projects (now I have an excuse....BPD :0) but I do have some on my porch that are just gorgeous and I want to show them off. I am sure many of you could care less...but I can't help it, I am gonna show ya anyway! LOL!

These are my midnight Gladiolas aren't they just heavenly!!! These pics were all taken before dawn so they are a bit dark.

I can't remember what this is called but I love it. It's some kind of Maple.

Once again, I can't remember the name but I love it!

Same plant in it's full pot with coleus and vinca that I am trailing down the banister, with seed begonias in the bucket at the bottom...I started those from seed all by myself :0)

My Dahlia's in an old 10 gallon crock that was my granny's

My tuberous Begonias...not a great pic, the flash was too bright, but they are gorgeous

And finally....my baby....you know those weeping pussy willow trees ya'll are paying $100 for a the local nursery, those gorgeous weeping miniature trees that look fabulous in your front yard??? I paid $15 for this little sapling that I am growing myself...in 3 years I will have one of those trees too and all it took was $15 and some TLC!

Ok enough bragging for the day. I got to get ready for work at the bank today.

The Interview

2008-09-06T04:20:00.000-07:00

*theme to Rocky playing in the background* Ok so I had the interview for the new job yesterday. I threw on some decent clothes after cleaning the kitchen and mopping the kitchen floor...nothing like a little sweat to go with your lip gloss...I figured it would give me that youthful glow....LMAO!

So on the drive there it occurs to me that I am not a bit nervous. Why? Because I have never interviewed for a job that I did not get. My confidence and personality can usually get me in the door to any place I have wanted to go so far.... So perhaps I walked into this a bit arrogant....or grandiose in BPD speak LOL! Well the interview went fabulous! However there are many more applicants, and many who have more education than me.....so I am not going to hold my breath. :0( But I told the interviewer (who I know quite well anyway) that I AM the person for this job, I am perfect for it , don't tell anyone I said this....ssssshhhhhhhh.... she kind of agreed!!! Yay! BUT IT'S NOT UP TO HER! It's actually going to be up to the state....so we shall see.

One very exciting aspect of the job, should I get it is that I will get to go away for a week....a WHOLE WEEK by myself, stay in a hotel, have my meals paid for, hotel paid for, and attend training seminars. It looks like it might be Chicago which would be fabulous! I've never been there. I plan on getting my country butt out to see the city! And I know this sounds nuts, but for me, getting to do it sans family is just a dream....I can do what I want, when I want, eat where I want, sleep when I want (well within reason of course) but just to be ALONE for a while sounds like heaven. She asked me "I know your kids are young, is this going to be a problem for you" it was all I could do not to say "HELL NO! Can I leave today?!" In reality I know I will have a hard time being away from the kids that much, I didn't last more than 2 days on our anniversary trip...... but to have some time to myself sounds like a dream! And I think it would do Daddy some good to see what it's really like to do the bulk of the work around here! Although I am sure he will just ask his Mommy to do it....

If they should decide they are going to consider me for the job I will get called for a second interview. Keep you fingers, toes, and nose hairs crossed! I want this job! I am perfect for this job, and it is perfect for ME!

My Babies!!!!!!

2008-09-05T07:00:00.000-07:00

Here is a link to our recent photo shoot. I probably shouldn't broadcast this all over the world wide web, but it's already on the photographer's site so what's the harm right. Just know if you are some psycho stalker looking at my children the wrong way...we have guns and we ain't afraid to use 'em! LOL

http://www.photographicsgallery.net/p192735482/

Click the slide show and flip through the pics. My littlest one doesn't have as many photos because he was NOT into the whole idea of getting photographed but River was a HAM! These were all taken right here at our house.

For that matter how about the FLILF

2008-09-05T04:16:00.000-07:00

I last wrote about Sarah Palin, but I would be derelict in my psuedolesbian duties if I left out Cindy McCain huh? Good Lord she is the ultimate Barbie doll...which actually makes me hate her :0)~ But she's hot.....I shouldn't have left her out in my last post.

It's like the Playboy Ticket. In fact I think that's what I am going to call it.

For the record Obama has my vote...even though his VP choice measures about a 2 on the hotness scale...Obama on the other hand...hmmmm....I have to say he measures about an 8, he's kind of a hottie don't ya think?

Oh the things I think to write about at 6 a.m......

The VPILF

2008-09-04T16:41:00.000-07:00

I read the funniest thing on a blog I discovered today....about Sarah Palin being bow chicka wow wow hot! This from a straight gal. I have to say I am in agreement. Good Lord that woman is fine....I'm supposed to hate her, I am a liberal to the core...LOL...but there's something about that hot librarian thing she's got going on. I just keep waiting for her to take the pin out of her hair, throw her glasses to the crowd and start stripping around the pole that would miraculously ascend from the stage of the RNC.....

Can't you just see it now....I am hearing the tunes of "Hot for Teacher" in the background....Can't you just picture it?

Check out this blog it's funny as hell! Sweetened Taters

That's Right! I am the MAN!!!

2008-09-04T15:56:00.000-07:00

Not to be confused with I am a man because that would be an entirely different blog, requiring a whole other cabinet full of medicine...but anyhoo....

I was be bopping around the kitchen, trying to relieve some anxiety. I am anxious about the possibility of a new job and I think I am made more anxious by a scheduled increase in my meds. So I am cooking. Cooking is cathartic for me....especially baking pies...and let's face it, eating them might as well be tranquilizer in a bottle so tonight it's rhubarb. It's just as easy to make two as it is to make one so I made two, one for my neighbor, who unknowingly rescued me from a dinner disaster!

I was planning ahead, thinking spaghetti would be quick and easy and I could use it for lunch tomorrow and supper Saturday night when Daddy has the kids and I am working at the tavern....hamburger made, water boiling, ready to go....no pasta sauce...what's a girl to do? I scour the cupboards. Tomato soup, homemade juice and stewed tomatoes is all I've got! Hmmmmmm...what the hell we'll give it a whirl...so with the help of my neighbor's recent gift of fresh dried oregano and basil, two cans of soup, 1/2 a quart of juice, a can of stewed tomatoes, a little onion powder, garlic powder, salt pepper, and sugar I made some damn fine pasta sauce!!!! The kids LOVED it......Yes folks, I am the Man!!!

Redneck Beauty Spa

2008-09-03T16:56:00.000-07:00

Well I just enjoyed a long luxurious hot bath...alone. That is rare. Usually I have two little yahoos splashing me and blowing bubbles in my face. I have the house to myself for about 45 minutes and took advantage of it by soaking in the tub.

I don't have a radio in my bathroom and had been listening to my iPod Shuffle....I thought of an ingenious way to keep listening to it while I soaked in the tub....I clipped it, and the cords...in my hair!!! LMAO Talk about Redneck Engineering! By God, if there's a will there's a way! It was awesome, I listened to tunes while I scrubbed away my hooker knees and rooster feet, shaved my legs and just sat...and sang. I love to sing. Alone anyway.

I just had to pass that along....it was quite a sight...but hey the relaxed result was well worth the ridiculous rigging!

Ok former 80's teens

2008-09-03T14:53:00.000-07:00

Tell me the truth girls...with your frosted jeans and big bangs....secretly we all wanted to be Jesse's Girl didn't we? Hot boyfriend, whose best friend has the hots for us.

And fellas....you know you wanted to be Jesse, making all the guys jealous with the babe on your arm!!!

The kids and I were dancing around the kitchen to this song earlier (with obligatory air guitar of course...and some towel swinging for grand effect) and I was having childhood flashbacks. God I love that song...even now! LOL! Funny how a simple song can change the whole day.

Holy Crap Batman!

2008-09-03T07:56:00.000-07:00

What the hell did I write about on August 23rd? There were 300 hits to this website in ONE day! Whoo Hoo I'm gettin' famous! LOL! I ususally only have about 30-50 hits a day!

Random Musings from The Pastoral Princess

2008-09-03T04:29:00.000-07:00

I was sitting outside this morning on my porch drinking coffee and smoking my one cigarette of the day with a slight tummy ache. This led to several humorous random thoughts that I thought my readers might enjoy.

Don't you hate it when you have this awful gas pain, and then you finally feel like you can fart and all that pain resulted in one teeeeeeny weeeeeny little toot?

Don't you hate it when you are so groggy in the morning that you don't get the coffee filter in the pot right and then you get little coffee grounds in your cup?

Don't you hate when those coffee grounds get stuck in your teeth because you are so desperate for the caffeine that you drank it anyway?

Don't you hate it when you find out in the morning, as your husband is making his lunch that you left the mayonnaise out overnight?

Don't you hate when your husband won't talk to you over something as stupid and spoiled mayo?

Don't you hate it when you have to get your kids out of bed for school....when you'd much rather stay in bed yourself?

Don't you love it when your kids throw their arms around you and bury their little heads in your neck?

Don't you hate it when you realize there is snot running down your shirt from the adorable little snuggle?

Don't you love it when your husband does the dishes?

Don't you hate it when this accomplishment requires 3 days worth of praise and recognition?

Don't you hate it when your toddler is in your lap and says "I farted!" only to realize that said 'fart' is running out the diaper onto your jeans?

Don't you love finding little gifts in the carpet from repeated 'farting' episodes?

My favorite gripe is hearing my husband brag about my writing, which should make me feel good.....he's never read a single word I have written except notes to him.

My favorite joy is when someone else tells me they love my writing....who faithfully checks in everyday.

Don't you hate it when the phone rings and the person on the other end says "Could I please speak to Jeeeda....or Joda.... or whatever your name is pronounced completely wrong? This always results in a CLICK!

Don't you hate it when you donate to the State Police after 911 and they've called you every f'n day for the last 7 years for more money....even when you tell them to stop?

Isn't it odd how some flowers that are absolutely beautiful smell like a bad fart?

How can something as wonderful as fresh cooked bacon make such a stink in your house for a week?

Is there really anything tastier than a fresh garden tomato with a bit of salt?

Why do they call a driveway a 'driveway' and not a parkway? Why do they call a parkway a 'parkway' and not a driveway?

Doesn't it drive you nuts when people say "I could care less" when they really should be saying "I couldn't care less" if they are trying say they don't really care?

Don't you hate people like me who are a stickler for grammar? :0)~

Isn't it odd that for someone with a stickler for grammar I still say ya'll, ain't, cain't, mater, tater, over the shoulder boulder holder, and 'that's neater than a skeeter's peter!"?

Have a great day folks! I am going to sew sew sew today!

Sweet Relief!!!

2008-09-02T10:13:00.000-07:00

River came bee boppin' off the bus telling me all about the 'Hot Dog' song and how he colored an apple and sat with Allison on the ride home on the bus......I called his teacher a bit ago and she said that he didn't fuss for long. Yay!!!!!!!! I feel so much better.

Bad Day gone Worse

2008-09-02T07:08:00.000-07:00

It went horribly...they had to pry River off of me kicking and screaming as I bolted out the door....I am currently drowning my sorrows in Little Debbie Star Crunch Snacks....I feel awful.

Hard Day....

2008-09-02T04:24:00.000-07:00

I am getting my baby ready for pre-school this morning....Whaaaaaaa!!! Do I have to do this? I am trying to be 'super excited' and not show my feelings because he is very sensitive. I don't want to plant any extra anxiety in his head. But inside I am crying.

I am going to go make him a special treat for breakfast, Toaster Strudel. I usually steer clear of 'junk food' breakfast, but I figured today we could celebrate his special day with something gooey and covered in icing!

Manic Musings

2008-09-01T17:04:00.000-07:00

I am feeling quite 'energetic' ie hypomanic this evening and all the windows have been washed and floors scrubbed so I am just hanging out at the computer trying to occupy my mind. I was putting tunes on my iPod and came across and old song that I love. Of course it seems at least once a week I am posting song lyrics, but I can't help it. Music is poetry in motion and it can move me to places in my mind and soul that affect me deeply.

The song "Best of You" by the Foo Fighters was a song that I could relate to so strongly when it first came out. Not because I felt like I was hanging onto a relationship with bare knuckles as the song suggests...but because I think every lover I have ever had has felt this way about me. Perhaps even some of my friends and loved ones. I am always pulling away....always drifting...and those that love me always seem to be hoping I don't drift away from them completely. So many things in my life have caused me to build a wall and always wait for another bomb to drop. If things get too good...I am wary...I was especially like this as a child. But as I get older it's better. I see that only I can create my destiny. But this song sums me up....I would venture to guess my husband feels this way about me. And maybe rightly so....

I've got another confession to make
I'm your fool
Everyone's got their chains to break
Holdin' you
Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have
But had no useI was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can't choose
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you mustConfess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh...
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

I've got another confession my friend
I'm no fool
I'm getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new
Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?Oh...

Perhaps it's someone...Perhaps it's something...but I'm always a step away, a step ahead or a step behind. Sometimes I wonder if I have some emotional defect that prevents me from walking side by side with anyone.

100 Things About Me

2008-09-01T13:20:00.000-07:00

Check out the link in my sidebar for an interesting little (ok HUGE) list of facts about me. I saw this on http://www.crazytracy.com/ and couldn't resist trying it myself. It took me 30 days to come up with all of these! You'd think being a half crazed, one armed paper hanger, bad habit, card carrying member Mania Mafia could have made this a lot faster! :0)~

If you're interested there it is. I may do an A-Z one too....that might take 30 days or 30 minute, who the hell knows!

Strange Summer

2008-09-01T10:24:00.000-07:00

For the first time in all the years that I have been a farm wife, I am putting sweet corn up for the winter...in SEPTEMBER! Late August is the latest I can every remember doing that and that was usually what we call 'soup corn'...the corn that is more mature and tough, the last of the crop out of the garden that isn't as sweet or tasty as the early crop. I just cut off and put up 15 quarts of corn and it occurred to me as I wrote 9-1-08 on the bags that I had never had to date them for September before! Everyone is in the same boat this year, just now canning tomatoes and putting up the rest of their garden bounty. The Flood we suffered this spring set crops back significantly. In fact in my last post I have a pic of my boys harvesting wheat in July. That is usually done in early to mid-June. It's been a strange summer indeed. (In more ways than one LOL!) But we have had a much cooler summer this year than I can ever remember, that is a blessing!

Well River starts pre-K tomorrow and mom and dad are having a hard time with the though of our little man going to school. It seems like only yesterday he was a chubby bundle of joy at my breast. Now he is a smart mouth know it all 4 year old...oh did I just say that out loud? LOL I meant he is a bright, energetic, and strong willed 4 year old! Tomorrow is going to be a hard day. Pray for me!

Little Boys with BIG TOYS....

2008-08-31T18:26:00.000-07:00

If you look closely in this pic you will see my sons riding shotgun to cut wheat as their Uncle Roscoe (no not his real name, but the name he answers to) drives the combine. They were just in hog heaven! Obviously the date on the camera is waaaaaay off, it was my MIL's camera, but this was taken in early July. They had so much fun, and I just love this pic so much I had to share it (I've actually been meaning to post it for quite some time, but kept forgetting...imagine that!)! It's moments like these that make me happy to be raising my kids in the country!

Ok maybe Goddess was too strong of a word......

2008-08-30T04:05:00.000-07:00

My freaking arms are killing ME! Geez Louise...how do people use a weed eater every week? Granted I had more than just your average weeds around the house to contend with....I practically weeded the whole farm like any certified manic chick would do...but Good God I am in PAIN today!!!!

On a totally different note...I applied for a job. I sent my resume in for a job opening locally as a Parent Educator. It's only 27 hours a week, but would pan out to be a little more pay than I am making now at home and I could make my own hours. So if I were to the job, it is my hope that I could just work three 9 hour days T, W, TH and then have M, F home with my boys. I am excited, I have no idea if I will get the job or not, but it's a job I have wanted for quite a while. My oldest son participated in a program through this organization due to a speech delay and he loved having his 'teacher' come out every other week! That is what my job would consist of, visiting families on a regular basis for children who are at risk for developmental delays and working with parents to better their skills in dealing with the child's needs...among other duties. Keep your fingers crossed for me. This may be my way out of doing home day care while not having to totally give up my SAHM status. Yes I will be away from them 3 days a week, but lately that doesn't seem like such a bad thing. If that makes me a bad Mama so be it.....

Another big bonus is that it will get my foot in the door with this organization so that perhaps I can get a full time job with them at some point. In addition they offer tuition reimbursement for employees who want to further their education...HELLO....it might be a while before I qualify for all that, but this is an organization I could see myself making a career out of. If I get the job. I am not exactly what they were hoping for, it is my understanding that they are hoping for someone with a Bachelor's degree. But I have a many years experience in the Early Childhood Development field, and I have certification to be a Child Care Director for any facilities in Illinois an I have served in those positions before, so I have many years of experience behind me...if not the actual education. In my opinion experience often outweighs textbook learning ten times over!

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Hail to the Domestic Goddess of Words and Weeds

2008-08-29T12:27:00.000-07:00

No no not that kind of weed...LOL! I did something today that my husband would have squawked and had a fit over! I used the weed eater! He has been working very late each night because they are short handed where he works and the yard work just wasn't getting done. Well he and I kind of have this arrangement...it goes like this, I am not allowed to do the yard work, which I bitch and moan about, but secretly am glad I don't have to do it. Just like he thinks he is not allowed to do laundry or dishes, but unbeknownst to him I would would be thrilled if he traded in his lawn mower for dishpan hands!

We are having family pictures taken tonight and I decided to have the photographer come here to our house so we could have pics taken outside and on our porch. We have two ponds and lots of acreage so there are many many places to stage photos for the kids. However the weed situation was getting out of control! Sooooooo I took my little country butt out to the garage and found the weed eater. I read the instructions on how to start it...and then re-read them. And then I fired her up and off we went....shredding the life out of the cocky weeds who had taken over my yard!!! I felt like Superwoman...

Yes I live a sheltered life.

I am happy to report that not only did I NOT injure myself or anyone else...but that I did a pretty damn good job too! The place looks great. But can I just say my hands shook for like 2 hours from all the vibration (you'd think I'd be used to that *wink wink*) and my forearms are killing me!!! I used muscles I didn't know I had!

The Other Life...on the Dream Side

2008-08-29T05:09:00.000-07:00

The meds I am taking seem to produce very vivid and realistic dreams everynight. Some of them are funny, some are strange. Some are even sexy. I could write some odd little collection of short stories based on my intoxicated dreams lately.

Last night was a doozy. I can't really tell you about it. You'll just have to use your imagination. It involved sex...and not with my husband...hey I can't control my dreams right? But I woke up this morning still reeling from the consequences of the dream....pregnancy. I thought for about 10 seconds after I woke up that I really was pregnant and didn't know how I was going to tell my husband. Then I chuckled at myself. I think if you looked up Drama Queen in the dictionary I would at least be the 4th definition.

Good Morning Folks! How was your dream life last night?

A little ditty

2008-08-28T19:08:00.000-07:00

I could grumble about my husband
But I won't
I could tell you I feel chipper
But I don't

I could say to you,
How do you do?
I could act like I care
When you say "Oh I'm fair"

I could write about Obama,
And my fondness for his wife
I could bitch about conservatives
But I couldn't care less tonight.

I could growl about my health
And the hand that I've been dealt
But I know there's those far worse
And my piddly problems just make them curse.

I could write a little ditty
About travelling to the city
Esacping my life
A terrible wife.

I could write you a song
I could sing all night long,
Of the giggles and grins
Of my beautiful children

But instead
I am off to bed
Too tired to grumble
Or muble
Just stumble.
Too tired to write
Though I'm feeling contrite
Too tired to sing
Too tired for anything.
But thanks for stopping by,
Next time I will try
To actually care
If you are only doing fair.

Let it Die

2008-08-28T15:59:00.000-07:00

I am sure that I am way behind the times in my discovery of the song “Let it Die” by the Foo Fighters. (Give me a break, I'm stuck with Barney and Laurie Berkner everyday) I felt compelled to blog about it. WOW! I wonder how long he held that in before he had to put a pen to paper to scream his sentiments to Kurt Cobain. I can sympathize.

As a member of the Nirvana generation, I can honestly say that his death affected me profoundly, especially the manner of his death. This man, this voice, who spoke my thoughts and sang my truths….this man who represented every nonconformity that blossomed out of my rebel soul….threw it all away by chewing the wrong end off of a shot gun. Much like Janis Joplin and Jim Morrison before him, here was a man with a message, a vision, a pied piper to millions of young people begging for guidance and desperate for reassurance that we were not alone in our isolation and pain. Confused and rejected, abused and neglected…Nirvana was our megaphone. The album Nevermind is probably top on my list of life changing musical discoveries. And I discovered it before it was cool, before it had radio or MTV play. Some of my punk rock comrades had discovered the band through the underground network and we all began sharing bootleg copies of several of the songs on their upcoming album, including Smells Like Teen Spirit…to this day that song makes me feel young and anxious. I wish I still had a copy of the original, unpolished, un-produced version...it was absolutely amazing.

Dave Grohl clearly was blindsided by the death of his friend and band mate. The lyrics speak for themselves when he says “Why’d you have to go and let it die?”, repeated over and over as if he is trying to say them enough times to reach the afterlife and let Kurt hear them and ponder them. And his anger at having his dreams dashed by this one stupid moment... “Did you ever think of me? You’re so considerate. Did you ever think of me? Oh, you’re so considerate!” Not to mention the reference to Kurt’s blushing bride, Courtney Love.

Oddly enough upon a google search, Grohl claims this song is not about Kurt……Bullshit.

Good News Good News Good News!!!!

2008-08-28T05:57:00.000-07:00

He woke up!! He woke up at 5:30 this morning! He doesn't remember anything, and they still don't have a lot of answers, but the most important thing at this point is that he is awake!!! I firmly believe in the power of prayer and we did a lot of it last night!

River, my 4 year old, has the Catholic meal prayer committed to memory...so that is the prayer he recited last night to pray for Curtis. Then he asked his Daddy how Curtis was going to hear the prayer...Daddy explained that God would hear the prayer and take care of Curtis....then River asked Daddy a very important question about God...."What is he wearing?" That was a question Daddy didn't have an answer for.....

Many Prayers Needed!!!

2008-08-27T18:20:00.000-07:00

I just got a horrible phone call. My best friend Beth's younger brother had a massive siezure last night and is currently in a coma. He is only 17 years old. He has been unresponsive for the last 24 hours and when he does come too for a few moments he doesn't recognize the family and at times has been very combative. They have run test after test and have no idea yet what could possibly be wrong. A possible infection in the lining of his brain has been discussed, but this family is absolutely terrified. Please please please if you are the praying sort send up some prayers for them. I am at a loss for words...

If you follow her blog this is Bethany from Journey of a 20 Something Country Gal

The Blind leading The Blind?

2008-08-27T15:45:00.000-07:00

So...if the idea of going back to school to finish my BA, at the least, is still on the table....is it odd that I am leaning towards Psychology, given my recent issues? I have considered such a degree for years, but now I am wondering if I would be setting myself up for trouble if I dedicate myself to a career dealing with other people's mental health. There is a huge part of me that feels my own life experience, especially now, but including my childhood that can lend an empathetic understanding to people I would be working with. I would eventually like to earn my Master's and continue on as a therapist....but what happens when I am having a hard time myself. It would not be good to be listening to a suicidal patient while I am in the throes of depression myself....I can see the headlines now "Therapist and Patient throw themselves off local bridge...." That would not be good....and yes I am poking fun at a serious topic...but it's a logical scenario right? I mean even with the best meds and therapy in the world I am going to have ups and downs... and what happens on those days when I have to face someone who is struggling and I am struggling too? How does that work? We go to the local pub and get smashed and hope tomorrow is a better day for both of us???

My other option is an English degree. Obviously writing is my passion, literature is too. However, around here, out in the boonies, the best I can hope for is to be an English teacher at the local Jr. College...more likely a high school teacher. And everyone hates their English teacher LOL! Everyone except me of course! It was my favorite class. I actually enjoyed writing term papers! I made some good money in Jr. College writing term papers for other students :0)~ Always the saint... but see then I just spent the money on beer and weed. A smart girl would have socked it away to help pay for another 2 years of school. I wasn't the brightest or most ambitious of gals back then....give me a live band and a dime bag and I was happy for the night! What I wouldn't give to redo a lot of those years.

So that is the dilemma of the moment....anybody got any brilliant ideas?

The Little Engine that Couldn't?

2008-08-27T07:33:00.000-07:00

I am starting to doubt myself for the first time in a long time. I am usually the ballsy, take on the world, I can conquer anything kind of chick. But I am starting to have serious doubts about my ability to handle going back to school, while trying to hold down enough jobs to pay the bills, and manage my illness at the same time......I want that degree like a fat girl wants cake!! And trust me on that, I am a fat girl! :0)

But what if I can't do it? I can't put my family into that kind of debt simply to fail. I am notorious for starting big projects or having big plans and ideas that I abandon once they are no longer exciting or stimulating. (what we now know is a common symptom of my illness) And let's face it, school isn't always going to be exciting or stimulating. In fact it's going to down right SUCK sometimes. But I WANT THAT DEGREE......I was deciding on Psychology or English....now I am just trying to decide whether I even have the balls to try. What has happened to me?

Dr. Dan the Man

2008-08-26T17:37:00.000-07:00

Well it's official. And it is Bipolar. Bipolar II to be exact, less severe than Bipolar I which is a good thing. I really like my Doctor...we'll call him Dr. Dan. Who at the moment is known as Dan the Man...mostly just cause I like the sound of it, but also because I feel relieved and hopeful about the future. There's a lot of work to do, and we will be trying out new medicine, which might be a journey all it's own. But tonight I feel confident that someone who knows what they are doing is taking charge of my care. No offense to my family practitioner, he is awesome as well...but in his own words "I ain't that kind of doc!".

So Dr. Dan listened to me jabber on and on about my life for a while.....funny how when you try the hardest not to sound crazy your words start spitting out of you like a machine gun and you sound like a raving lunatic. I have had some trouble in the last few weeks speaking my thoughts clearly. Dr. Dan said that is caused by one of my meds....that med is going and another is being reduced. Maybe I won't feel like such a foggy mess by this time next week.

Oh and by the way there was no dark velvet couch...however...there were comfy velveteen chairs. Ha! I almost laughed out loud when I walked in.

Anyhoo, Dr. Dan gave me some interesting facts about Bipolar Disorder. He said that 9 out of 10 patients who are diagnosed as having BPD are actually misdiagnosed. But he said "You, my dear, are a classic true case of Bipolar II"...ok he didn't say 'my dear' that was simply for dramatic flair...:0)~

He also took the time to bring my husband in and help me reinforce the facts about BPD and the fact that I have no control over the mood swings. I was able to express to my husband in a neutral environment how hard it is on me to swing from one end of the spectrum to the other. I am not totally convinced that he will heed all the advice and facts, but at least he has been given them. I can only control myself, I am done trying to smooth things over for everyone else. I have my hands full with my own crazy ass right now!

Stay tuned...we're in for an interesting ride.

Oh just a funny note to make you chuckle. My two year old was watching me get dressed for bed tonight and he said "Mommy...I see your nickles!!" I wanted to tell him he will be fascinated with those damn things (nipples) for the rest of his life! MEN.....

D Day

2008-08-26T05:51:00.000-07:00

Well today is the day.....the day I go see Dr. Whatshisname with the M.D. behind it, in an office adorned with leather bound books regarding the latest and greatest theories in mental health. There of course will be a few tomes from Freud simply for the nostalgia factor... I am picturing the proverbial couch...I hope it's velvet in some rich dark color, but it's probably some lame, cheaply upholstered chair with wooden arms. Yes Yes I am being a drama queen...sue me. I am in a good mood at the moment. Or at least a good enough mood to make some attempt at humor.

I am a bit nervous about this appointment. I fear that I will be rushed through a list of questions like

"Are you suicidal?"
"No"
"Are you homicidal?"
"No"
"Do you still remember to brush your teeth everyday?"
"Yes"
"Well then you're not that bad off, keep taking your meds, suck it up, grow some balls and quit being a cry baby!"

Yes I realize it's not going to go like that....not exactly anyway. But I do fear that the fact that my extremes aren't that extreme (yet anyway) is going to classify me in some 'brush off' category. And I don't want a brush off. I am scared and freaked out by all this. I want a savior to swoop in and tell me everything is going to be alright, we can fix this, you will get better, you aren't loosing your mind.....and I know that expecting a savior is unrealistic as well. I guess I just really don't know what to expect. I am not looking forward to airing all my dirty laundry and coughing up all my sins and bad behavior that seem to put the pieces of my illness together like a puzzle, even from a civilian point of view like mine.

So it's D Day

Decisions Day...
Doubts Day...
Dismal Day?
Dedication Day?
Determined Day!
Disconnect Day?
Deactivate Day?
or perhaps simply Disturbed Day.....

My one hope is that my husband will listen and take some time to be educated about BPD. We may not survive this if he doesn't. Every mood and change in behavior he takes upon himself. The concept or idea that perhaps this is just occurring to me for no other reason than the fact that I have BPD is foreign to him. He has to find a reason, and he usually looks at himself for those reasons. He needs guidance too. I hope they give it, I hope he takes it.

Blue Moon...

2008-08-25T10:21:00.000-07:00

Well the vacation was everything we hoped it would be...right up until the last day when I woke up with a terrible bout of depression creeping up on me, desperately missing my kids and cutting the day short to leave in the morning so I could hold them. When I am feeling better I'll tell you all about our quaint little cabin and utter relaxation that just ooozed out of us for more than 24 hours....

For now I am just dealing with one minute at a time. My brain just betrays me so much. It is beyond frustrating. I have absolutely nothing to be 'blue' about today. Nothing. Yet finding the strength to muster a smile and 'fake it' for the kids is draining me. I want to crawl back in my dark dungeon of a bedroom and hide out.....a fine way to return from vacation eh?

Seeing the Head Shrinker tomorrow. Perhaps he has some magic wand or sledgehammer he can wield around.....I wish...

Ramblings of a hypomanic vacation packer

2008-08-21T13:38:00.000-07:00

So clearly my mania is kicking into high gear over this whole weekend vacation deal. All I really need to pack is a swimsuit and some underwear…or maybe just the swimsuit…but my brain is going 100 mph with the following random thoughts.

Have to pack my skillet…their cookware will surely be crappy
Baked Potatoes or Sweet Potatoes?
Find Hubby’s swimsuit
Sunscreen
A jar of strawberry jam from the freezer
Make cinnamon rolls?
Make brownies?
Make a pie?
Buy cinnamon rolls even though mine taste better?
Buy brownies even though mine taste better?
Screw the pie, I’m fat enough….
Pillows! Must take my own pillows….
Get a raft to float on.
Find some books in my collection I haven’t read yet.
Maybe grab a few old standbys I can read over and over
Maybe Ya Ya's
What to do about the cat?
Steaks or Chops?
Shave legs
Maybe take that bottle of Cruzan we bought in St. Thomas 4 years ago and finally open it
REMEMBER MEDS!
Should I make some dipshit? (our favorite cheeseball recipe)
Are there enough veggies in the garden to take for salad?
Make some homemade bread?
Stop coming up with more things to bake!
Will my period be over by then?
Do I even have a sex drive anymore?
Maybe my meds are doing that….
Sex toys! (Oh sorry, probably way TMI!)
REMEMBER MEDS!
Do laundry and clean house before we go….
Take camera?
What if it rains?
Eggs….oh and bacon…
Mmm tomatoes….BLT ~ two meals taken care of! Yay!
Miracle whip...can't have BLT without Miracle Whip
Why am I a lunatic who has to plan everything down to the tiniest detail.

It’s less than a 48 hour vacation people!!!!! Why do I have to be such a FREAK about everything? This is only half the stuff going through my brain this afternoon. All I really need to do is toss some undies in a bag with a loaf of bread and some bologna and GO RELAX…but no…I have to be Martha Stewart about everything…geeez…I need a vacation! LOL!

A weekend getaway!

2008-08-21T04:42:00.000-07:00

Hubby and I will be celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary on Monday....he decided we needed to go somewhere. Not just out for dinner and a movie blah blah blah but GO SOMEWHERE. I was tickled! Yay! Escape! No poopy diapers and whining and crying and fighting! Although, you know me, I can't bear to be gone too long or too far....so I found us a cozy little cottage on a lake an hour away from here! We totally can't afford it, but absolutely need it....LOL Story of my life!

I actually haggled the guy down quite a bit on the price...I explained we don't have a boat and will not be using the boathouse etc etc etc....and I told him we could easily spend a weekend in St. Louis for the price he was asking....(lie...ok maybe if we stayed at the Best Western and ate PBnJ all weekend). And of course my final kicker was my offering price was better than making NO MONEY because the cabin was going to sit empty all weekend....He took the bait. Damn I'm good! That or I'm just a bitch...either way I saved $100!

Here is the cabin, nothing fancy, but it looks like heaven to me....peace and quiet. I am going to curl up in that hammock with a good book for most of Saturday!

Here is the view of the lake from the cabin. It has it's own sandy beach so we can swim and the upper level of the boat house has a swing on it so we can sit out there and just watch the water. We have some friends who summer at the lake too so we are going to hang out with them a bit and do some boating, preferably the slow trolling around the lake kind of boating, while consuming large amounts of fruity tequila spiked drinks. I am so excited to get away! And super excited that we won't be that far away.

Although can I just say the weekend I was starting to plan for us was actually in St. Louis and Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band are playing Saturday night?!!.......Yes I gave up tickets to see the Boss for this lakehouse.....I must be in desperate need of solitude....the old me would have NEVER EVER EVER done that! But I knew if we went to the city I would not relax, I would go go go go go go go until I couldn't go anymore, cause that's just how I am. I drive my husband nuts when we go to the city. And I've seen Bruce before....and I suppose my absence won't affect his performance in the slightest....although he may sense a small nagging loss at my not being there......

Ha! I wish!

I finally said NO!

2008-08-20T03:27:00.000-07:00

For the first time in a long time I decided to politely unload my plate of several of it's responsibilities. I called the pregnant Mommies who are expecting in Jan and Feb and informed them that I would not be taking on any new children, and that instead I would be focusing on my education. I will still have two full time children here, plus my own, and two after school kids. After my day with the baby yesterday (which went great actually!) I decided that adding two more babies to this mix would be horrible for me. Stress is clearly a trigger for meltdowns for me, and I need to be pro-active in avoiding it. The 'old me' felt like I could juggle anything and would have gladly taken on a housefull of babies, a college curriculum and my regular 24/7 job of Mommy...in addition to the tavern, the bank, and sewing. God who the hell did I think I was fooling? People used to ask me all the time "How do you DO ALL THIS?" and I just used to smile. Living in Mania Land.....Oh that was such a happy place...

It is clear to me now that I am slowly killing myself. And think I am running from myself. Keeping myself so busy, kept me from having to deal with ME....and I knew I was cracking up. I have felt it for months. Well...no more. I am not putting myself in that position anymore. Obviously hubby and I both want me to still be a SAHM, but if we can't make the budget work with a smaller workload we will have to figure something else out. I put my notice in at the bank, a looooong notice, and basically told them I want out by the end of the year. (It will take every bit of that amount of time before the boss man gets the gumption to actually try to hire someone), and I am reducing my workload at the tavern. I have to be realistic. I am only one person. And I am allowed to say No. I am not Superwoman.....despite my sparkly underpants and funky boots....

The Couch Session

2008-08-19T19:36:00.000-07:00

Remember when I was talking about the tidal wave? The massive wall of depression that was about to fall on me and devour me, and yet I was powerless to stop it.....

I have that same dreadful feeling as my appointment with my 'head shrinker' approaches. I know that he, or a counselor of his choosing is going to want to pry into my brain and cough up all my dirty little secrets. All the skeletons in my closet are going to have to be dragged out and tried on for size and analyzed for their particular impact on my once fragile infantile psyche.....

See I've been through this therapy shit already....many times! I can't believe I am even going to spill this to the entire world, but when I was 14 my mom had me 'committed' to a adolescent psych unit for 4 weeks (that was how long the insurance would cover)...she claimed I had tried or wanted to kill myself....which was a complete and total lie! She blurted out in a family therapy session that I made 'her want to kill herself'....rather quickly my therapy switched from WTF is wrong with you? To how the hell do we get this girl out of here? A dear friend's parents even went so far as to look into adopting me....(Love You Fessels!) but there I was stuck, for 4 weeks in a mental hospital. My stepfather whisked my mother away to Canada for a vacation...running I am sure from the things I might spill in my therapy sessions....he didn't quite think through his little plan to get rid of me. The 'experts' expressed concerns that they felt I had been sexually abused and put me in group therapy but I never coughed up all my secrets. I am stubborn as hell, always have been. Still am. And I am sick and fucking' tired of being asked.

Can't the results just suffice for the answers? Isn't it clear that I am fucked up? Do I really have to vomit up my past? Can't we just leave it in the landfill in the back of my brain and pile all my other bad but less traumatic memories on top it...pile it so high that maybe we can convince my brain it doesn't even exist?

I didn't intend to blog about this tonight but for some reason it is just pouring out of me and I am rolling with it....Let me paint a picture for you of what life was like for 12 year old me....My mom worked all the time, probably 2 jobs actually to pay the bills. My dad was a deadbeat who might slip her a $50 and buy me candy if he ever came around. Meanwhile my mother, as we know now, was suffering terribly. I am sure fighting the demons in her head that had to be starting to creep up on her even when I was a child had to be maddening and frightening.....Then along comes Mr. Wonderful. Mr. Wonderful who already has a wife...but he's taking care of that promptly. Mr. Wonderful who has met this troubled attractive woman with a busty blossoming beautiful young girl and swoops in to care for us. To rescue us.....at a price. So many things I see now that I couldn't see then. Things that happened within his own first family that are too disgusting for me to even think about and then he walked into our family.......but I was stubborn. I didn't make it easy....but I was smart....I knew I was being manipulated, groomed, prepared, romanced.....I kept my mouth shut . My mom seemed so happy. I would be blamed. I was always trouble and it would be my fault somehow. So this tip toeing ensued while I kept my silence. Then finally he makes his move....

He fucked with the wrong girl though....I've been a tough mother fucker since I was tot. I scared him off....and he stayed away....for a while.....

Long story short, in my late teens, as my mother is loosing her mind, divorcing him because she is having paranoid delusions about him, I make the mistake of telling her things that actually ARE true about him...but she is so clouded by her illness she disregards them. She divorced him. Four months later she remarried him. I suppose leaving an 18 year old girl a house, rent free, was supposed to be consolation enough for what I had had to endure.....they moved away and I didn't hear from them for several months.

I spent most of my nights alone, smoking pot, writing poetry and trying loose myself in the flow or words. I eventually consumed enough drugs to forget, for a while, that the real world outside my door was hell.

Fast forward 5 years later, to my wedding day. A day I cannot have my mother attend because she is convinced that my ex-stepdad (they have re-divorced by then) is going to murder me at my wedding....even tries to hire my half brother and my dad as hitmen....bad bad bad scene.....but I held my head high and had my wedding just as I'd planned....pretending not to hear the whispers of 'Where is her Mom?"......

Fast forward 4 months to a knock on my door in the middle of the night. My mom. Estranged from me. Asked to stay away until she would get help and stay on her meds.....asking if we can be a family again. Her eyes almost begging and screaming at me not to turn her away. I ask if she is taking her meds...knowing by the energy bouncing off of her that she is not. "No" she says defiantly. "Then no we cannot be a family again...." As she turned to leave I grabbed her by the shoulders and turned her around to look at me. I looked her square in the eye and said "But I LOVE YOU! I Love You! I Love You! Nothing is going to change that" and I hugged her. She didn't hug back. She never hugged back...even as a kid...she always just limply put her hand at your waist...she left quietly....

She passed away 2 weeks later. God gave me the gift of being able to say goodbye. I will never forget his kindness for that.....

So see...there are reasons I am fucked up. And they are reasons I thought I didn't want to talk about but apparently just spilled them all to you...think I can just print my blog out and give it to my therapist and tell her to give me a call when she's gotten up to speed on things? Ha! And I can write this shit so much easier than I can say it. Some of the things I have written above I cannot and have not spoken about...I don't know why I chose tonight to purge. But there ya have it.

I just dread having to drag all of this back up again. I know how emotionally draining it is....how hard and sickening and frightening. Nothing reduces you back to being a child like recalling childhood trauma.

A Very Good Day Indeed

2008-08-19T05:00:00.000-07:00

Well I think I may have discovered the secret to combining my meds at the right time of the day to prevent the zombie effects. Remember the pharmaceutical phreak out day? Yeah...well the proper dose of my antidepressants make me feel like I have shot a speed ball into my veins and the proper dose of my BP meds make me feel like I have just been given pre-operative anesthesia....I had stopped taking the high dose of the antidepressant because I could NOT handle the 'speed' effects. And I have been struggling with finding the right time of day to take the BP meds because I am so damn sleepy...which was resulting in NOT taking them at the proper time each day. Soooooo I took a chance yesterday and just took both drugs, two pills of each (my current prescribed dose) *gulp* and hoped for the best. I was hoping that perhaps the two side effects would cancel each other out.....it worked! Actually I probably had just enough of the 'upper' effect to become the Energizer Bunny for the day. My house is clean clean clean, I did 6 loads of laundry, 4 of which got hung outside, AND I folded and put them all away (I have a bad habit of leaving baskets full of clean laundry unattended).....All 4 beds got clean linens, all the bills got paid (a few of them a bit late....) all the bathrooms scrubbed, dishes done, and my neighbor stopped in with a gallon of blackberries, so I made two blackberry cobblers too.....hubby took the boys to grandma's to deliver one to them in the evening, and I got to spend two hours ALONE...in the bathtub, watching soap operas! :0)~

It was a great day. A very low stress day, despite all the activity. I think having the older kids back at school was the real magic pill.

Today I have a baby coming, and we are all excited. He is a friend's little boy and they needed a back up sitter today. The only plans on the agenda today are to play play play! Babies and toddlers are my comfort zone as far as kids go. I worked for several years as an Assistant Director for a daycare facility in town and I had the infant room. 4 babies all day...most people thought I was nuts...I loved it. It was a dream job (except for the pay)...and the best birth control on the planet!!! :0)~

Ok so I am still grounded so any of you that have sent me e-mails, for some reason my connection is balking at that more than it is at being on Blogger...so leave me a message here if it is urgent. Thanks again for all the support ya'll! And I promise I will catch up on all your blogs as soon as I get 'ungrounded'...I am having Blog Withdrawal. I wonder if they make a pill for that too? LOL!!

Primitive Living with a Crazy Bitch

2008-08-18T05:15:00.000-07:00

Living without the internet has forced me into a primitive lifestyle. I have had to rely on my iPod and Satellite TV for entertainment. Goodness me, how did anyone have any fun before technology?! LOL! I've even had to talk to my friends on the telephone *gasp* because I can't check my e-mail!! I even went out for supper with Beth last night....a face to face meeting out it in the real world! Perhaps lack of technology isn't such a bad thing! Maybe I should cancel my internet altogether....Ha! As if....

I am hoping I have enough 'juice' to post this blog. I wasn't able to get online all weekend....

Actually I have been sewing a lot and have almost finished the 'wedding dress' project. It has turned out lovely and I am very excited about it. I have been listening to music a lot and even considered trying to teach myself to play the harmonica, or french harp as my hillbilly father calls it. Wouldn't that be a hoot?! LOL! I have one......whether I have the ambition is a whole other story....

So, not many new Divine Secrets from the Pastoral Princess at the moment. Still adjusting to meds and learning to deal with the ups and downs. It's funny, I have surely always had these rapid mood swings....or at least for a good long while now, but since I have been officially diagnosed it's as if everyone in my life, including me is acutely aware of them now. My husband is especially sensitive to this...and is extremely frustrated that a pill didn't cure me....It's impossible to explain to him, and he has yet to take the initiative to try and educate himself about BPD, I have several books that I have been scouring and there are limitless resources on the net (oh wait....we are grounded from that) but I think he just wants it to all go away.

He was wonderful when the first initial breakdown....but now I feel like he is just tired of the whole affair and wants it to go away. He keeps talking about 'getting me on some medication that actually works, cause this isnt' working' etc....I've tried to explain to him that there is no pill that is going to turn me into a stepford wife. Sick or not I am gonna have bad moods, bitchy days, sad days, happy days and energetic days....I am human. But since the diagnosis of BPD I feel like everything has changed, and not just with him but our entire family.... What used to be brushed off as "what the hell crawled up her butt today?" has now become "Oh, she's having an episode"....

I just love being the crazy bitch in town. :0)~ I am hoping my Dr. will educate him a bit. We go Aug 26th.....

The Wedding Dress

2008-08-16T04:45:00.000-07:00

I am working on a sewing project right now that has been a fabulous distraction for the madness and a pacifier for the hypomania when it occurs. My friend Beth whose blog you can find HERE, and her family have commissioned me to do a very very special and scared project for them. Her grandparents 50th wedding anniversary is at the end of the month. They asked me to take the tiny tattered 50 year old wedding dress and stitch a keepsake for them. They're Grandma was actually going to throw it away!! She found it cleaning out her closet and decided to pitch it...thankfully one of the daughters snagged it from her!!!

It started out as just a simple piece that would be framed, but you know me....grandiose they say right?...Once I started cutting into this fragile piece of material, which felt horrible at first, like I was cutting into a living thing...who cuts up a beautiful old wedding dress?!, I decided that I can't let any of the material go to waste. Not one piece. Sooooooo I decided that I would make small little pillows for all of the daughters and granddaughters, with a small ivory ribbon attached at the top so they could hang them from a peg shelf or a door knob if they wanted. I thought how wonderful it would be for all of these women to have a piece of this dress that symbolized the union that created all of them.

Of course I can't ever do anything simple....it is imperitive that my creations be something that nobody has ever seen and something with a "WOW" factor. (you'd think maybe we would have caught onto some of this BPD stuff a long time ago LOL!) Sooooo anyway....I have all the material accounted for, every piece will be used in some fashion or another....except....this thin gauze like material that was used as a lining in the collar (picture a sailor suit kind of collar)...it is yellowed and fragile and there is no way it would make it through a sewing machine. So I got into my best Pooh Bear pose "think think think...." I was not going to throw one piece of this dress away...... and then the light bulb went off!! ROSES!!! I could cut scraps and roll them into roses and used them to adorn the pillows for the daughters and granddaughters. I figured the process would be very similar to making flowers with icing, when I am making cakes....so I tried and tried and finally got the hang of it and now there are piles of this dingy, yellowed, fragile little roses ready to be adorned onto the pillows. I was so proud of myself last night I could just bust!!!

I am sure most of you could give a rats ass about this...but it made me happy, and it's high time I wrote about something happy for a change, don't ya think?? LOL

Comfortably Numb

2008-08-15T15:04:00.000-07:00

Hellooooo Helloooo...is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me? Is there anyone at home?

I feel like I am functioning at a numb, tolerable yet not fully functioning level. It's hard to explain. I don't want my life to revolve around my illness...I never intended for my blog to be a running commentary of my latest drug and therapy trials. When I started this blog I didn't know I was sick. I don't like that every single moment of my life right now seems to always hangs somewhere between "am I OK right now?" and "am I falling back down again?"....but that's what it feels like I am doing. I keep trying to tell myself that as I get used to living with this, start a more clear course of treatment and find the best way to quiet the beast I will feel better....but that destination seems like a long long journey and my horse is tired....

I need rest. I know this. It's hard to find even the remote possibility of rest....If only I had a nanny! LOL!

The Wrecking Ball

2008-08-15T04:15:00.000-07:00

Music has been a saving grace for me in the last 4 weeks, and I find myself listening to those deep melodic haunting tunes that sometimes lift you up and bring you down simultaneously. I had to laugh at myself though when I first started to write this post. You know you've lost your marbles when you start to write a blog post that you have already written....almost the exact same post written in March....The Secret Garden but what is even more startling to me is the symptoms I was showing of bipolar disorder even then. I describe the racing thoughts......hmmm....that was a bit heartbreaking to me.

Anyhoo...so I came up with an equally beautiful song that I have been listening to a lot and rewrote a new blog post!

Gillian Welch has a beautiful song she recorded with Old Crow Medicine Show that affects me deeply lately. Do you ever feel, when you hear a certain song, that somehow your soul is connected to another simply through the sheer coincidence of circumstance? And when the words flow out of them they feel as if they could have just as easily fallen from your own heart? She has as song called Wrecking Ball that I have fallen deeply in love with. These are her words, which feel like a word for word description of my young adulthood, minus a few minor details:

Look out boys, cause I’m a rolling stone,
Least that’s what I was when I first left home.
I took every secret that I’d every known,
and headed for the wall
Like a wrecking ball.

I started down on that road of sin,
Playin’ bass under a pseudonym
And the days are rough and it’s all quite dim
But my mind cuts through it all
Like a wrecking ball

Oh…I’s just a little Dead Head
Who is watching?
Who is watching?
I’s just a little Dead Head

A fallen daughter, on a scholarship.
I got tired and let my average slip
Then I’s a farmer in the poke and lip
Where the wee that I recall….
Was like a wrecking ball.

I met a love sick daughter
Out of San Joaquin
She showed me colors, I’d never seen
Then drank the bottom out of my canteen
And left me in the fall….

Like a wrecking ball.

Hey boys!
I’s a little Dead Head
Who is watching?
Who is watching?
I was just a little Dead Head
With too much trouble for me to shake
Whoa and the weather and the blinding ache

We were riding high until the 89 quake
Hit the Santa Cruz Garden Mall
Like a wrecking ball…

Well the 89 California quake did not affect me, but events that occurred in 1989 changed my life forever. My life would never be the same. And while I never played a guitar under a pseudonym, I certainly spent many years trying to hide myself, trying to be someone else, anyone else but who I really was…lest I have to face the parts of me that weren’t so pleasant. Even down to the fallen daughter out of San Joaquin….Wanda you know that’s you darlin’….showing me colors I’d never seen, drank the bottom out of my canteen (Honey Brown Beer anyone?)…then leaving me in the fall…like a wrecking ball. Doesn’t that describe “Us” so beautifully? And Wanda is someone who remembers the little Dead Head I used to be…the little hippie child who never wanted to speak of her own life, just quietly listen to yours. The girl who seemed full of dark secrets, but nobody could crack the code…..

Girls like Wanda and I never escape the wrecking ball. Sometimes we ARE the wrecking ball, sometimes we are standing frozen, watching it slowly swing in our direction, helpless to stop it…..welcome to the wonderful world of madness. This song reminds me of us, the two of us and the maddening journey we have traveled together all these years. Sometimes I wonder if she didn’t have to suffer in order to be able to help me survive it….her wisdom and experience carries me through my days.

This song is just amazingly beautiful and if you’ve never heard it, find it! I got it from iTunes, but can’t find it for my playlist. There is the original version on Project Playlist, but it is not nearly as beautiful and soulful as the version with OCMS...but worth a listen. I just don't want it on my playlist because it sullies my fondness for it.

The Beast of Burden

2008-08-14T04:28:00.000-07:00

Well somehow I went from feeling ten times better this week to being rapidly sucked back into the abyss of depression. I mentioned yesterday I was feeling melancholy. By the end of the day I was full on distressed. I guess I had what doctors describe as a mixed episode, which after paying attention to patterns of behavior and emotions that I have experienced in the past few months, is pretty common for me. By the time my daycare kids all went home my head was screaming so loudly, my migraine excuse really wasn't a lie at all. Every sound they made echoed in my ears 1000 times louder than it should have been and every squeal and scream sent my brain folding in itself. I managed to 'function' until my husband got home but then back into the dark dungeon of my bedroom I went. Hiding under the covers in silence, with a fan on to block out noise and a pillow over my head for good measure. Apparently I stayed this way for 3 hours, completely oblivious to the fact that my MIL (who is becoming much more informed and understanding about this by the way) came over and cleaned my house...took the kids home with her, and tried to calm my husband down. I don't think I really slept....dozed maybe....but I mostly just tried to calm the engines in my head, which seemed to think it was a good time for Daytona 500 to take place.

So on to the husband. He is more devastated now than he was two weeks ago. I think he thought I could just take my pills and be fine forever and we could go on about our merry *ha* way. I've tried to explain to him that this is something that I will be dealing with forever. There is no magic fix. Medication and therapy are going to be vital parts of keeping on top of this and staying healthy....but nothing 'cures' this. I wish he would read some of the literature I have bought in the last few weeks....but he hasn't bothered. It's easier to just blame doctors and my job and every other stressor in my life than to try to understand the nature of the beast.

If I can just get through these next two days with my rowdy school kids I will be ok. I know now it's the stress of their fighting and yelling at each other, the constant pestering, wrestling, noise and chaos that triggers that little thing in my brain to cry "Gentleman....start your engines!" and then some little bipolar demon waves the green flag and they're off......

We have an Olympic day planned today. We made medals yesterday and are planning events like and obstacle course, discus toss (frisbee), relay races, and shot put (big rock throw).....if I can keep that interesting and hold off the

"Hey that's not fair!"
"He cheated!"
"It was MY turn!"
"I quit, this isn't fair!"
"You didn't do it right!"
"He hit me!"
"He kicked me first!"

then maybe I will survive. I keep trying to tell myself....It's supposed to be fun! Think positive. If I assume the kids are going to be turd heads....they will.

Oh did I mention that on our way to Red Hill State Park the other day, the day we had soooooo much fun, that on the way there I had to stop the car twice to yell at the school kids who would not stop hitting and slapping in the back seat? Yeah.....I love my job. Two more days.

Seroquel - A patient's review part 1

2008-08-13T12:45:00.000-07:00

I was prescribed Seroquel 9 days ago for Bipolar Disorder. I have yet to recieve my official diagnosis of Bipolar I or Bipolar II but I strongly suspect I fall into the Bipolar II category, although I am not a doctor so who knows.....

I will be completely honest in admitting that it freaked me out that this drug is also used to treat more serious mental illnesses such as schizophrenia. I know that is completely prejudiced and I am throwing stones in my completely fragile glass house, but I am only mentioning that for the benefit of someone else who might have the same reservations. My advice...give it a shot. It is working well for me.

The episdode that precipiated the diagnosis and prescription was one of hypomania that probably lasted several weeks, if not months followed by a severe bout with depression. During the depressive episode I was also experiencing multiple anxiety attacks that seemed to just get more and more intense with each episode. I had become reclusive and withdrawn with very little appetite. I was experiencing severe headaches and was extremely agitated and irritable. I was (and still am) awaiting an appointment for a psych consult, but my family M.D. decided to go ahead and prescribe Seroquel when the anxiety attacks became so severe that the thought of leaving the house would produce another one, simply from the fear of having an anxiety attack in public. Clearly my head needed to get put back on straight. I was not functioning.

O, so I started out with a 50mg a day dosage, to be taken in the form of 25mg twice a day. The first pill, which I took at about 5:30 p.m, knocked me out COLD for the rest of the night. I was dead to the world, and my husband even checked my pulse a few times....it was a bit frightening. I started to have serious doubts about the medication. I am a stay at home mother and it is imperitive that I am able to function! But the next morning when I woke I felt somehow 'different'. My depression hadn't magically disappeared but I felt more stable. People who have suffered a bipolar or similar mental crisis can understand what I mean when I say I had been walking around with the feeling of one toe balanced on the tip of a steep mountain and it felt as if any moment I could fall tumbling into the abyss of instability. Suddenly, after one dose of Seroquel I felt like I had two feet firmly planted on solid ground. I was still dealing with issues but there was definately a rapid relief to the unstable feeling I had been carrying around. Now that I have been on the drug over a week I have seen a significant improvement in my over all mental health. Dare I say I am almost back to normal?

My prescribed dosage has me increasing the dosage to double the amount on the 7th day. I honestly thought about skipping that step and staying on the low dosage (as we all tend to do...we are smarter than the doctors of course) but as day 6 approached I started noticing that perhaps some of my symptoms were returning. I could feel the melancholy and irritablity creeping back. My ability to concentrate was slipping and I felt like I was having a setback. Perhaps the doctors know what they are talking about after all. Apparently there is some tolerance build up to the drug in the beginning and most patience gradually increase to a dosage that is a proper fit for their condition. So yesterday was day 8 and I took my first double dose last night. Once again I slept like a baby. I am extremely drowsy this morning, even after getting 9 hours of sleep. But some of that wore off a bit the first time so I am hoping that will happen again. The morning dose is kicking my butt today and I feel like I am walking through quicksand. I am hoping this subsides quickly or I am going to have to buy stock in Red Bull.

I will keep a running update of my expereince with this drug for readers who are interested or are looking for real life experience with it. I am only finishing my first week, there might be a lot more to report about this drug within the next 60 days. Here are the current side effects I have experienced some are good, some are bad:

Racing heart beat especially in the first few hours after taking a dose. This seemed to lessen after the first 4-5 days.
Extreme dry mouth....imagine eating a bag of cotton balls and then rinsing your mouth out with sand...sour candy helps a bit, it stimulates your saliva production.
Dry sinuses...imagine the sand and cotton having taken a side trip through your nostrils..
Drowsiness is worse within the first few hours after taking the drug. I feel very very sluggish. My caffiene intake has almost tripled in the mornings
Decreased Appetite I won't lie...this is a good thing in my opinion, but I have read where this drug has the opposite affect in other patients.
Increased Cravings for Nicotene If you are a smoker, even a light one like myself, be prepared to be feeling the need to light up pretty often.
Decreased Desire for Alcohol this is a bonus in my opinion. I don't really have any desire to drink, even my usual weekend beer or two (or six), and when I did try to drink a few beers at a ball game I became very cranky and felt lousy.

I can say that this drug has not in any way stifled my creativity, which was a HUGE concern for me when taking any psychotropic drug. Writing is my life! Someday I hope for it to be my livelihood as well, so anything that was going to cast a cloud on that was a big concern for me. I can honestly say that if anything it has helped improve my concentration and cleared my thoughts, helping me to more thoroughly design characters, form plots, and organize my ideas. It has not in anyway limited my creativity.

This is the link to the manufacturer, with specific information about patients with bipolar disorder, I started my research here before taking the drug. It is a good starting point for info.
Seroquel

Auuugghhhh I'm Grounded!!!

2008-08-13T04:04:00.000-07:00

So it seems my affection for gay porn has caused my internet service provider to limit my acess to the internet....ok, yes I am kidding....I upload too many pictures of my kids and download too much music..which of course I forgot my service has a cap on. If you go over the limit you fall to the bottom of the priority list on getting connection speeds. Sooooo the only time I can get online right now is early in the morning and late at night...ugggghhhh This will last until my 'usage' falls below the 'limit'. I hate being told what to do!!!

I am going to be blogging in Word and then pasting for the next thirty days LOL! I can see myself crawling out of bed at 3 a.m. to post a blog.....ok no I can't, I like sleep too much...so if you don't hear from me on an ultra regular basis don't panic....I'm just grounded. I've been a bad girl and hogged too much 'bandwith'.....

So our trip to Red Hill State Park was heavenly. The kids had a blast. We hiked and hiked and climbed hills, crawled over fallen logs, pointed out deer runs and prayed for no poison ivy. Did I mention the kids had fun? Did I mention that I went to bed at 8 p.m. last night? LOL! OMG I was so tired. See we had so much fun hiking that we just kept going.....and then in finally occurs to me that we are going to have to hike the same distance back. Well with a two year old that proved to be a bit hard on me as I found myself hiking with a 35 pound human backpack...in addition to the actual backpack that I had packed full of a first aid kit, diapers, bug spray etc... Let's just say Miss Jada is hoping today is a quiet day....but I won't get my hopes up!

I have been feeling some setbacks in the last two days regarding my moods. It's not depression, just melancholy. I think the stress of having all the kids back is a big trigger for me. But I just have to get through the next 3 days. I can do that....I hope. Yesterday was the day I was supposed to up my Seroquel dosage, so I did that last night. Perhaps that will help too. I am now on double the dosage I was taking (which is still a relatively small dose compared to what I have read on the internet). I dread the drowsiness, because that has still been somewhat of an issue. I am sure I will be dragging ass today. But I have candy....and I'm not above bribing :0)~

I am considering doing a review here on Seroquel. Mostly because when it was first prescirbed to me I went scouring the net to find patient reviews, opinions and side effects. Since it seems my secret is out anyway I think I will do that sometime soon. So ya'll regular readers can just ignore that post, unless you are comfortable with me talking about cotton mouth and constipation. :0)~ But I know it meant a lot to me find real people's opinions and experiences with the drug. If I can help someone make a decision about getting help, I would be happy to do that. Even if it means talking about poop.

Anyhoo the first set of rugrats are pulling in the driveway so I have to go put my 'daycare' hat on! Have a great day!

Busted!!!!

2008-08-12T05:38:00.000-07:00

Well it seems I have been busted! LOL! Turns out several local folks have discovered my blog...Howdy guys!! It's actually not a bad thing at all, there have been compliments actually, but I better stop talking about my mother in law when I get mad at her! That could be trouble!! Which is a bit of a condundrum because I started this blog so I could feel free to talk about anything. Maybe we can come up with some secret code language...LOL

Well this is my last week with all the school kids and I can't say I am disappointed. This is the first week of having them back since my diagnosis. Let's just say it's very clear to me now that stress is the leading agitator for flare ups! I was very irritable yesterday, and of course they were very rowdy, being back for the first time in two weeks. It was not a good day for me.

Today I have a PLAN. We are headed to Red Hill State Park for the day. I am packing a picnic and a cooler full of bottled water and we are going to go spend the day in the wild! They are excited and so am I. I wanted to do something special for the school kids before they left anyway and this looks like it will be it. I'll bet money there will still be moans and groans of boredom and fussing and fighting amongst them once the excitement wears off when we get there.....uggghhhh I have so much more patience for pre-schoolers and babies. Which is odd, most people are the opposite.

On a bitter sweet note, my special needs child "Johnny" had his last day yesterday. He has started a program that allows him to have a caregiver at home, which saves the parents a lot of money. On one hand it relieves some of the stress on me, as he requires more attention than the rest of this kids (except perhaps my own ultra high strung 4 year old), but on the other hand I just love him to death. He is never lacking in affection and love.....there's not many children who just love you all the time, unconditionally, even when you are having to punish them...but Johnny would never withhold a hug or a kiss if it was offered or requested. He was my love bug! And having him was a great experience for the other kids. They learned so much about acceptance, tolerance, encouragement and respect from having him in their lives. I saw so many changes in my school age kids regarding their view of special needs people this summer. They have learned that he is capable and deserving of every opportunity and experience they are. He was a blessing to all of us. I am hoping he visits me often!!!

Kickin’ your can all over the place

2008-08-11T04:16:00.000-07:00

Cause We Will, We Will, Rock You!!!

We Are The Champions My Friend......

For the 5th straight year in a row, Vic's Cafe took the win for Bar Wars. The tri-county softball tournament of rival bars. Was it as exciting as the World Series? No. But around here it's kind of a big deal, at least for our tiny little community it is. It is held every year in the itty bitty town of St. Marie, population 300 (Salute! ok few people will get that, but if you did...I know you are laughing your ass of! LOL), where a couple hundred people converge with coolers full of beer, on 4 wheelers, in their muddy trucks and their 'grown up cars' like my mini-van, to watch the annual game. Of course, being the kick ass team that we are, we take our softball seriously, at least for one day a year. In fact we probably take it about as seriously as we take our beer drinking...and that's pretty damn serious! LOL However, my beer drinking days are over...more about that later. Vic's occupies the same (only) shady spot at the ball diamond every year, where we grill out all day, drink beer, stomp ass on the field and talk smack all day.....it's like the redneck Super Bowl. Our trophy is always proudly displayed on our ratty old picnic table that announces us as Bar Wars Champion's for 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, and now you can add 2008 to that tally!! It was and exciting day, at one point we scored 12 runs in one inning...we were some proud rednecks!! Yay!!

There is a long standing 'label' on our community, intended as a horrible insult, tossed our direction from young people in other rival communities (yes I know...childish...complicated...it's a whole other post). That label is "Inbreeders".....anytime there has been a fight at a party or someone gets mad at the bar or some other conflict with and 'out of towner' the term "F'n Inbreeders!!!" gets shouted as a departing sentiment. But it's days like yesterday when I want to yell at those assholes...."Hey all that inbreedin' got us some damn fine ball players, don't ya think?!" but I guess that would be tacky! Ha!

Why are we called inbreeders you might ask? Well...in sense because it's true, but on a very broad scale. I've talked before about our community being very closed off and self sufficient at one time, due to religious persecution. Of course this was 100-200 years ago....but all of these families still live here....nobody ever leaves here...it's like the Bermuda Triangle...anyhoo, distantly everyone here is related. In fact my own children are related to every single one of my daycare kids somehow. It may be a 3rd or 4th cousin, but every child in my care comes from the same bloodline if you go back about 5 generations.....and to some, I am sure that is a bit creepy...around here we don't think anything about it. People try not to fall in love with someone who is a 2nd cousin or closer, but there have been 2nd cousins get married around here. Not that big of a deal. My own in-laws are 3rd cousins, they didn't know it until after they were married....it just happens. But anyhoo...of course we hear the occasional slur yesterday as we were kicking every team's butt on the ball diamond...we just laughed and gave 'em all the California Howdy!

P.S. I tried to drink a few beers yesterday, along with a ton of bottled water...the beer does not mix with my new meds. It made me grouchy and feel icky. It looks like I might be the Designated Driver for life...which isn't always a bad thing I guess...

A good day to be a cow....

2008-08-10T10:13:00.000-07:00

Well for those who were concerned ;0) By the time the men got to the pasture to load up the cow she had successfully delivered a healthy calf all by herself. Mommy and baby are doing just fine! And to top that off the boys and I got to go see twin calves in the barn who were born on Wednesday. They are adorable!

It's a good day to be a cow! LOL

Now I am off to nap and rest up for BAR WARS!!! Where all the local tavern's gather to compete in an annual softball tournament. It's good times, and this will be the last year for our tavern...sadly...too many of us are too busy with families and other commitments to focus on the team. But we have been the reigning champions several times....I hope we got out with one last championship this year!!!

GO VIC'S!!!!

The Harsh Reality of the Cattle Farmer

2008-08-10T06:12:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life on the farm is a horrible reminder of just how cruel mother nature can be. This morning we awoke to a phone call that one of our cows, who is apparently trying to birth a calf is running around in the pasture up the road with half of the calf delivered, two legs hanging out of her, and the other half still stuck inside. The men folk gathered together as one saddled a horse to try to corral her, while the the others hitched up the cattle trailer to try and pin her up and get the calf delivered.

If you are the squeamish type it would be best to stop reading now. But the realities of raising livestock are often harsh. It is heartbreaking to watch the animals suffer, and the men will do all they can to try and deliver the calf, who is probably already dead. Sometimes they are able to reach in and help her deliver by hand, but many a day I have seen a chain attached to a partially birthed calf and a tractor used to pull it out. It's a horrible thought and a horrible sight, but if the calf is not delivered the mother will die as well.

The reason I write about it is because I often feel as if there is huge misconception about the humane treatment of animals in our society. (often from the same people eating their double cheeseburger on their lunch break) In all the years I have lived on the farm, I have never seen an animal mistreated. Mother nature is hard them, as is the case today, but it is our job to care for them and give them the best quality of life possible. Yes, slaughter is the ultimate destination for them. But from birth to the sale barn they are well cared for. Their needs are always met, their care is first and foremost on the farm...often trumping vacations, family functions, and a full nights sleep. Many a calf has been bottle fed by hand every day of it's life until it is able to feed itself and many a sleepless night has been spent with a sick cow, worrying and nursing it back to health. Sometimes time and effort is put into a cow that ultimately becomes ill and has to be put down, to end their suffering, and also because there is no longer any monetary value to their life. It is a harsh existence. Time, effort and money spent on a living thing, only to have to end it's life.

I know the my menfolk will do their best to save this cow today. Chances are it's too late for her calf. But everything will be done to relieve her suffering and get her back to good health. It's a hard, disgusting, and heartbreaking job. Remember that next time you order your medium rare T-bone....somebody cared for that cow, somebody raised it, and fed it a proper diet to ensure good flavored meat. A lot of work went in to making sure that your steak dinner was tasty.

Remember that. And remember my men, out there doing what most are unwilling to do, to keep us all fed.

The Road to Nowhere

2008-08-08T16:59:00.000-07:00

I was jammin' on my iPod tonight while the boy were outside with Daddy and a song came on that just touched me. Ya'll know how that happens to me....music is a passion for me. Anyhoo I just had to share this song that filled me with hope and made me smile tonight. Most Ozzy Osborne fans have never really taken the lyrics to this song for their literal message, but it is a beautiful song of hope, and I think it is also meant to be a love song to his wife. Sharon Osborne took Ozzy's drug addicted, mentally ill, talented ass from rock bottom to the top of Rock and Roll history. In the process her father, Ozzy's former manager with Black Sabbath, disowned her and declared that the two of them would never amount to anything. They were on a road to nowhere.

Clearly Ozzy's road led him down a very distinguished, but rocky road. This song reflects his struggles with his childhood, the past he can't outrun, and yet look where he is now....It gave me hope. I can and will overcome the demons in my past. I will make something of myself and use my talent in some manner that is personally satisfying to me. Hell if he can do it, anybody can. Although it would help if I had a wife like Sharon Osborne....think they are into polygamy? :0)~ Anyhoo here's the song I wanted to share...on my way to add it to my playlist right now.

The Road to Nowhere
I was looking back on my life
And all the things Ive done to me
I'm still looking for the answers
I'm still searching for the key

The wreckage of my past keeps haunting me
It just wont leave me alone
I still find it all a mystery
Could it be a dream?
The road to nowhere leads to me

Through all the happiness and sorrow
I guess I'd do it all again
Live for today and not tomorrow
Its still the road that never ends

Ah ah
The road to nowhere's gonna pass me by
Ah ah
I hope we never have to say goodbye
I never want to live without you
© Ozzy Osborne

Belated Brithday Bash...ok not a Bash...but a MESS!

2008-08-07T18:07:00.000-07:00

So I finally felt like celebrating my birthday today so the boys and I made my favorite cake this evening. Angel food with 7 minute icing....no small feat since I don't actually own a double boiler...but being the high tech redneck that I am I always figure out a way to fashion two pots together to make this tasty confection. Of course I add marshmallows to the frosting also...I mean can you really have too much sugar on a cake? I think not! This was the result. It was delightfully sinful!!

And then of course I let the boys dig into to what was left of the frosting....oh my Lord! (Please ignore the messy house and don't laugh at the 'day care rules' taped to the wall behind them...yes I put them in writing!)

Aren't my little devils just adorable?

Picture Parade

2008-08-07T17:42:00.000-07:00

Well I didn't come up with anything fascinating to write about because I spent all day looking at gay porn. Ha! I'm joking...kinda....anyway I have been meaning to post a few pics to my blog that are just adorable or hilarious or both. So instead of getting on my soap box about anything or bitching and moaning about my health, I'm gonna post pics! I think I can only do so many per post so this may be split into two we'll see....first off I want to show you all what happens when you let your two you year old dress himself...which I do on a regular basis of course! I fully believe in freedom of expression...as long as we are not leaving the house

Here we have the latest fashion trend in rural America...John Deere socks, dirty white t-shirt and a crocheted cap!

Then of course there is the ultimate in fishing fashion....hat, pajama top, shorts and gum boots!

And then who can resist a little boy and his best friend. Our kitty is growing so fast! River is in love!

Happy Thursday

2008-08-07T05:18:00.000-07:00

Well I am still feeling sooooooo much better. The old me. Still crazy...but my normal crazy :0)

My only complaint, and then I swear I will stop complaining about my health and starting writing about more interesting things again, is that I have this constant headache. I wake up with it...it's there all day....it never leaves. Maybe a piece of my brain exploded with my little breakdown...HA! It's seems less severe today, but it's still there. As soon as I woke up there it was at the very top of my head, like some little brain fairy poking me with a teeny tiny pitchfork. Maybe if it's less severe today that means in a few days it will be gone.

Soooooo YAY! I feel normal again. And I have absolutely nothing to write about. Doesn't that just figure! LOL! I am sure before the day is over I will have some brilliant words to write...truth be told I haven't seen the news in over a week. I have no idea what is going on in the world....which is ODD for me!! I am a news junkie! I usually even keep up with news on sites like Reporters without Borders, which publishes news your freedom of press loving government won't let you hear. But I am so out of the loop right now that for all I know Hugh Hefner is Obama's running mate and John McCain was found in an alley getting a $20 blow job....ok that was uncalled for...yes, I am definately back! :0)~

But seriously...Hugh Hefner for VP....that could be fun...

Hello, It's Me Again.

2008-08-06T16:43:00.000-07:00

I am feeling so much more like me again. There are side effects and fuzzy things to deal with, memory loss, concentration issues etc...but lets be honest, if you know me in real life that's always been a problem, it's just a little worse right now. I smoked my short term memory years ago in a desperate attempt to escape my realities, and well who the hell can concentrate on anything with two toddlers...I mean really?

I am writing with a grateful heart tonight. I feel myself being reborn. I certainly have a long row to hoe....there are new skills to learn and I have to take better care of myself. I will deal with the ups and downs of this for the rest of my life...but I feel like the epicenter of this nightmare is finally behind me. These meds are working, despite the side effects.

I am currently listening to a song that touches me in 1000 ways....it reminds me of someone, it reminds me of me, it reminds me of life and all human relationships...and it has the most beautiful words I wanted to share it with you:

The Space Between
You cannot quit me so quickly
There's no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I got all the time for you, love

The Space Between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

But will I hold you again?
These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like 'Will it rain today?'
Waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted games we're playing

We're strange allies
With warring hearts
What wild-eyed beast you be
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain
copyright Dave Matthews

Obviously this is only half the song, but truth be told I am tired of copying and pasting, Blogger doesn't paste it right and you have to edit it....uggghh. I added it to my playlist...just go listen to it. It is such a beautiful snapshot of human relationships....all varieties of them. And a beautiful description of some of the relationships in my life.

I don't think we're in Kansas anymore Toto

2008-08-06T06:15:00.000-07:00

So the doc prescribed me some stronger meds...something geared towards Bipolar disorder, even though he intended to wait and let the shrink do that....but I had a massive freak out anxiety attack on Monday and hubby and I decided we better let the Dr. know....so after a long drawn out battle with my insurance company over which drug they would or would not approve for me (isn't it funny how your life always hangs in the balance of your doctor's expert opinion and the opinion of some pencil pusher behind a desk at the insurance company?)

Introducing Seroquel.......all I can say is WOW...ok I also have to say WTF???!!!! Within 30 minutes of taking the pill I can remember telling hubby something along these lines "Wow...I'm weeelly weeeeeelllllyy getting sweeepy...I don't know I can stay awaaaaaaa...." Then BAM...OUT...ZONKED....KNOCKED OUT for 3 hours!!! Hubby was nervous and I guess even checked my pulse a few times....I don't remember anything...it was a bit like the anesthesia you get before surgery....a total trip to Oz.

I was starting to come out of my stupor when my husband, the one I have been bragging about...the one I have been so proud of...the one my faith had been restored in...was having a huge temper tantrum with the kids in the bathroom. Apparently he was giving them a bath and they were being difficult (no surprise there)...the kids are crying...he's yelling and one of the boys says "I want Mommy!!"

I am trying to will my body to move, I can't get up, I feel like a led weight. I can't do it. Until I hear my husband yell "Well Mommy's not coming because she's all doped up!!! Well let me tell you folks...that got the adrenaline pumping!!! I crawled off the couch and stumbled down the hallway in time to greet my two little angels (devils) wrapped in towels and crying. I wanted to be mad and yell at my husband, but on one hand the kids had heard enough yelling, and on the other hand I was still so out of it I couldn't really muster the strength. I took the boys in my room and dressed them and snuggled them in my bed and we watched a movie. Hubby came in later all tears and apologies....which I understand, he was frustrated and worried about me, the kids were screaming etc etc etc....BUT I was sooooo mad that he said those words to our kids. I mustered enough strength to mumble to him something about never ever talking about me like that to the children again!!!! I am still mad about it today. I know he is remorseful about it...but that sure as hell doesn't erase it.

You know there have been a few times when hubby has spent the day running around with his buddies and come home drunk and the kids are wanting him to do this or do that and he is to sleepy to do anything but zonk out on the couch...I have never EVER, said "Daddy can't play with you now because he's DRUNK!" I would never ever do that. And my issues last night were legit and beyond my control. It fuckin' pissed me off!!!! Arrrggghhhh Ok, I am still mad about it, can you tell?

So anyway back to the new meds....WOW! What do I do? I actually do feel really good today as far as feeling stable. I don't feel like I am teetering at the top of a roller coaster wondering if I am going to go racing down the tracks or stay safe and secure at the top.....I feel level...for lack of a better word. If the 'knock out' effect of the drug would subside, I think this could be a good fit for me. But I can't afford to be knocked out and be a mother at the same time.....I called the doctor, we'll see what he says.

But so far, so good today. My girlfriend Beth took the kids for the morning so I could relax. (Same friend who did all my shopping last week) I am gonna owe that girl big time when she has kids someday!!!!! I have a the best friends in the world!!!

Happy After All

2008-08-05T14:12:00.000-07:00

It's turned out to be a good day after all. I found some happiness in my day. Happiness doesn't always last long right now, but for the moment I am content. I have special people in my life who always seem to make me smile. And my afternoon resulted in many smiles.

You, my readers are included in that! Thanks for the birthday wishes.

Just Another Day

2008-08-05T04:58:00.001-07:00

It used to be...back in the good old days that birthdays in my home were sacred holidays. A day where the birthday gal/guy didn't have to do anything at all....eat what you want...sleep when you want...go where you want...it's your day. I always make such a big deal out of birthdays...so much so that sometimes my husband thinks I'm nuts! (ok yeah, yeah, yeah...no comments from the peanut gallery please!) Extravagant home cooked meals, fancy desserts, special trips etc...etc...etc...

Dare I say that being the spoiled little princess that I think I am...ok, not really, but whatever...I reserved just as much if not more entitlement to my own birthday! I am usually all about the birthday thing...milking it for everything it's worth!!! "But I just can't make the coffee this morning...it's my birthday, please can you do it for me..." *batting eyelashes like Scarlett O'Hara*.

Today is my birthday. I couldn't care less.

Tonight's musings

2008-08-04T19:49:00.000-07:00

Unwelcome
Who gave you the right to waltz in here?
Sauntering in like a smooth criminal
In your black jacket and your patent leather shoes
Waving your cane around so arrogantly…
Demanding attention,
Disrupting the ball,
Announcing your arrival with boisterous glee.
Banging your stick and waving your fists...
Nothing will ever be as it used to be.

Swiping away the cobwebs,
Opening up old wounds,
Screaming in the silent voids of my mind.

A parasite getting comfy in my brain,
Robbing me of the security
Of being sane.

I want to kick and scream!
Shoo you away with a mighty sword…
But I am paralyzed.
Tied to my front row seat with chains of heredity.

I silently sit here watching you assault
the shell of who I used to be.

Back in Black...of moods

2008-08-04T06:57:00.000-07:00

It's a bad day again. Not bad bad...just low. I woke up with a massive headache again, this seems to be happening with every low swing. It's a bit like a migraine, and in the same spot I get migraines, but it's not as intense. Maybe there is something defective in my brain....total pun intended. LOL!

I am reading more and more online about BPD. Trying to stay away from all the medical jargon because that will just scare the shit out of you. I am mostly just reading forums and blogs of people who suffer from it also. It is comforting to find others who feel the same way I do...and in some sick way it's comforting to see just how mild my symptoms seem to be in comparison. There are so many people out there who are suffering in ways that I can't imagine. Is it sick that there is comfort in knowing at least I am not like them? Maybe I am a bitch.

The word you will find amongst any of these communities and blogs is "Triggers"....this is an interesting discovery for me. I never put two and two together on this but there definitely are certain triggers that precipitate a depressive episode. Extreme stress being top on almost everyone's list, including mine. Toxic people (perhaps certain family members who shall remain nameless), certain movies, books etc....it is clear to me that The Heroin Diaries was a huge trigger for me. That probably sounds absurd to most normal people...but it is a fact. Revisiting those familiar places in my mind from my teenage years and young adulthood threw me for a loop and smacked me over the head like a sledge hammer.

I don't know what triggered today's low....I just woke up this way. Maybe there doesn't always have to be a trigger...I don't know. But I think I was fooling myself about not being a person who cycles often through the roller coaster of BPD....since this major episode anyway, I have been up and down quite frequently. I am anxious to hear when I will finally be able to meet with the shrink...it apparently takes weeks to get in...must be lots of us crazy folks 'round here ;0)

Back in Black

2008-08-03T20:42:00.000-07:00

A new look for a new chapter in life....I just wasn't feeling the farm girl look right now. This seems to fit me better right now. Hope you like it! Sorry if you miss the cows :0) LOL Don't worry, we still have them!

Finally a Normal, Insanely Odd Blog

2008-08-03T15:22:00.000-07:00

So is anyone else around here sick and tired of reading about me being sick and tired?

I am feeling pretty good today and trying to get things back to normal around here. I've cleaned house today and have generally felt normal. I have the house to myself for a few hours so I have been surfing for music online and came across an old song that I used to love. It's a Marilyn Manson song. And I thought what a perfect thing to blog about! LOL! It's time to start writing about all the crazy shit I usually write about. And hey, we've been teetering on the edge of insanity all week...who better to talk about than the big, bad, scary, and insane devil boy, Marilyn Manson?

Yeah, I am a fan. Shocked? Ok yeah, at this point not much would shock you about me right? Well let me tell you why I am a fan. Because he is honest. You don't have to like it, agree with it, or even be able to stomach it...but let me tell you, he is the voice of an entire community of young people in this country. People like me who grew up surrounded by nightmares, poor, independent punks, the quiet intellectual ones and even the pretty young things on the soccer team living in the perfect suburban neighborhoods. He writes about the raw, gutting emotions of adolescence. The pain and doubts in your mind as you struggle with your screwed up life, wondering if you will ever escape. Those who are silently suffering from depression or other mental illness. Those of us with parents who weren't there, or incapable of parenting. Those of us with parents who tried to be the perfect parent or even just wanted to appear to be the perfect parents, but never once listened to angst in our hearts....So many kids grow up without any guidance at the crucial age of adolescence. I did. It created some pretty screwed up thoughts and doubts in my life as a teen. When I was 17 or 18, along came this artist who was just shockingly brutal, blasphemous, scary and controversial....I loved it! (of course) The Alice Cooper of my generation!

Now my hick town is full of metal heads and rock and roll lover's...but this dude was NOT creating fans among the coutry boy metal heads I grew up with. He was a little too poetic and cryptic for them....they needed sex, drugs, and rock n' roll. I hid my Manson fetish and spent many nights listening all alone to this voice who spewed his hatred for society and organized religion in that seductively evil voice. Now let me be clear, I didn't always approve of or agree with the things Mr. Manson has proclaimed in his music or elsewhere....but I loved the fact that he had the balls to say it. Kind of like my love for Larry Flynt, he is one sick f'ker, but damn it I like him! I have the same love for Ted Nugent - who I disagree with on almost every political issue LOL! They just say what they're gonna say and don't give a shit what you have to say about it!

So anyway, back to my rebelious teenage angst...I fell in love with Manson's first album called Portrait of an American Family It represented the inner turmoil of every American child growing up in homes where they were abused, molested, neglected and ignored. The kids who were being bullyed in school and in society. The kids disillusioned with religion as the reality of adult hypocrasy started crashing down on them. Those kids who were outcasts. Then Anti Christ Superstar came out...boy did that cause some controversy! Of course, I loved it!

His lyrics aren't for the faint of heart...some of them are down right sick...but they ring true in the ears of the angry teen. They are empowering and you feel less alone as you realize that somebody gets it. Somebody gets it. Now that statement isn't going to make sense to those of you who enjoyed a beautiful childhood, and God Bless you. And I need to add mine was not all bad I have very fond memories of things in my childhood...but there are nightmares that overpower those memories more often than not. And I became one of these angry, confused teens....Marilyn Manson was my Jim Morrison....

He was my first ever rock concert. It was awesome. There were churches protesting outside the arena, it was insane. At the time I was in a very vacant place regarding my faith and what I believed. I grew up in a fanatically religious home, but of course I was never one who accepted the spoon fed doctrine, I asked too many questions and did too much of my own research (why believe something if you don't really know why), I questioned sacred scripture *gasp*. I was considered rebellious and blasphemous! Having a mother who was mentally unstable didn't help this matter at all of course. I didn't know what I believed anymore...

Ok, so back to the concert...the big stink about this show was that Manson had been ripping up a Bible during part of his performance. That doesn't go over too well in the Bible Belt. There were TV news crews everywhere! I had skipped class to go and I was just sure my English professor was going to see me on TV and would know I lied about a family emergency! (I know..that was just plain bad...) So I snuck in a side entrance...

The show was amazing, the energy was wild, the theatrics were more than Alice Cooper could have ever imagined and the crowd loved it! Yes, he tore up the Bible. Did I cry about it? No. Would I cry about it today if I saw it? No. At that time, and even now, I celebrate that fact that we are allowed such freedom of expression in our country. The fact that he could display his contempt for organized religion and it's man made rules, or that a citizen can burn his flag in protest of the horrible decisions our government has made at times....these are true freedoms. And feeling free enough to do them, with little care or thought of the opinion of others is an awesome thing to me. Maybe I am weird....

Would I ever tear up my Bible? No....it has brought me far too much comfort over the years. Would I care if you tear up yours? No...do what you gotta do...cause I've been in that place in my head and in my heart...and I think freedom of expression is a treasured liberty.

Whoa...you got a soap box full that time huh? And probably about a topic you could care less about! LOL....I guess I'm back!

P.S. I considered adding Manson tunes to my playlist here...but I didn't want to scare any readers away!!! Ha! I wonder where the hell that guy has gone anyway....he'll probably die young...The most brilliant ones always do.

P.S.S. * a few hours later * Ok I added one anyway, it's one you can surely tolerate, probably the most sedate song in his repertoire

Sins of The Father

2008-08-02T17:11:00.000-07:00

My husband is starting to have a little break down of his own. It is no secret to my readers that he and I have not been on the most secure footing in the last several months. I might go so far as to say we were on the brink of disaster. It was easy for me to blame his anger and rage, lack of help, and general bad attitude for all of our problems....however we know there are always two sides to every story don't we? Clearly mine has been spilled out like a jug of wine all over freshly laid carpet.

He is fearing that his shitty attitude in the last several months has 'caused' this to happen to me. I have tried to explain that this would have happened regardless of who I was with, where I was or what I was doing. This is a chemical reaction in the brain. A ticking time bomb that just picked this particular time to explode. Did the extra stress in my life rush the explosion along? Perhaps...but it would have happened someday. I told him perhaps God allowed this to happen now, rather than a year from now when we might have destroyed our family and given up hope on each other....While it's horrible to be going through this, the one bright spot is that there is no denial now that we belong together.

He admits he has been less than wonderful in the last few months. Clearly I have to put myself in his shoes and wonder just how wonderful I myself have been also....I feel bad that he feels guilty over this. Has he been shitty? Yes....Did that make me sick? No. Can both of us recognizing our shortcomings repair this relationship? Absolutely. I think it already has.

I Am The Egg Shell

2008-08-02T16:30:00.000-07:00

Suddenly I am the basket case that my family is afraid to disrupt.....let's face it, for a day or so it was nice to not be bothered with the kids fussing and squabbling, especially while I was lost in my darkness hiding under the covers. But I am feeling better today, and it seems that my husband is afraid to let me do anything remotely stressful. God Bless Him for that....but I am starting to feel like a newborn or something. I finally tried to gently tell him that I am not going to fall apart if the kids start screaming...I will not keel over and die...and I have to get back into the real world and live my life, sick or not. I am not going to hide out in my bedroom forever, although it's a tempting thought...but I am a mother first. I will find a way to take care of myself AND take care of them. I haven't had any anxiety attacks today and am starting to feel a little less gloomy. I have had a headache for the last 3 days that just won't go away though...I don't know if that is a residual affect of my brain exploding or what (yes, I jest)...and I did take a 3 1/2 hour nap with the kids...but I am feeling more like myself today.

I am still not keen on venturing out of the house yet. I would like to go to the church picnic tomorrow, but I just don't think I can. People expect the "Perky" girl, the sociable jabber box who has hugs and smiles for everyone...I am not that person right now. Perhaps I am an egg shell after all....

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Crazy Pants

2008-08-02T03:39:00.000-07:00

I have some amazing friends. My support system is absolutely fabulous and I don't know where I would be or what kind of state I might be in if it weren't for those few people I can honestly admit to that "I'm freakin' out here!!!". I have two friends who I can just be bare bones honest with, because they've been there...and another friend who might not understand but loves me anyway! She came over yesterday and took over all Mommy duties and even did all my Wal-Mart/Grocery shopping for me. That was HUGE...the thought of having to step foot in such a public place right now just freaks me out. I still feel so fragile, and one wrong look or running in to all those people I know who I have to 'fake' it with is more than I can handle right now. In fact I am skipping our church picnic...the one I am on a committee for, the one I told you all about that is the biggest event of the year and that I sooooo enjoy. Yup, not going. Can't do it. The idea scares the shit out of me and I feel anxiety creeping up my throat everytime I consider trying to go. I kept thinking "Oh I'll be better by then....." Clearly this a journey, not a day trip.

I have started a mood journal to try and track my cycling moods. I am not sure if it's due to the recent 'freak out' or if I am truly developing a more noticeable manic/depressive pattern, but I am cycling more frequently than I thought. Hell maybe I have been this way for a long time and didn't notice.... Some of that may be due to the double dose of Cymbalta, which I found out from an RN friend that that is a horrible thing to do to a patient who might be bipolar. But hey my Doctor is a country doc from BFE....I can't fault him for just pulling an idea out of his ass...or can I? LOL! So I am going back to my regular dose and risking the lows that might come with it. The manic episode from yesterday morning was something straight out of an after school special for Methamphetamine!! Good God! I have some friends who have gotten messed up on that....I don't think I was a far cry from that kind of high for a few hours yesterday morning! It was awful! Fortunately for me, my manic episodes have never produced any crazy wild inappropriate behavior (ok, shut up girls...I can hear my girlfriends cackling right now about some of our 'Girl's Night's Out') I just have difficulty concentrating and staying on task and have an abundant amount of energy. Basically I am going 100 mph but I can't think straight long enough to put the energy to good use!!!

Here's hoping today is a good day....I am currently looking for some support forums online. I think that will help too. Ya'll have no idea how much it means to me that all of you out there in cyber land have been so supportive! It has made me feel free to share my struggle and document this journey to the fullest. I think writing about it helps me tremendously, and I am grateful to have made some wonderful friends here who are praying for me and looking in on me here. (((((((((Hugs))))))))))

Pharmaceutical Phreak Out

2008-08-01T07:24:00.000-07:00

Drug induced mania....not for the faint of heart. My Dr.'s plan to double my depression meds to lift me out of the depressive state I was in is working...maybe too well. I am in full blown manic mode today. In fact there is so much energy I couldn't be creative if I tried. My mind won't shut the fuck up long enough to focus on anything for longer than a few minutes. I am going to try to sew later today, that is calming for me....if I can concentrate on it. I don't like this. I feel like I am on speed or something. I am making a call to the Dr to see if I can just go back to my regular dose. I don't know if two days of double dosing is sufficient enough to 'fix' the problem, but this is a bit too much to handle.

On a good note I have discussed my predicament with one of my daycare parents who has experience with this matter and works in the social services field. She assured me there is no reason to start worrying about closing my day care. She did inform me though that the small community we live in tends to have a lot of misconceptions about mental illness, and to be prepared for the backlash should I choose to reveal my struggles to people. Obviously I have done so here...but I think I will take her advice and not wave my 'Crazy Flag' too high on my flag pole around here for now. I always swore my struggles would not be some dirty little secret...but maybe for the sake of my family, for now, it needs to be. Although now that MIL knows....I am sure it won't be long before everyone knows. I hope I am wrong about that....

A parting of paths

2008-07-31T20:56:00.000-07:00

I am missing someone tonight. They know who they are. Someone who inspired and uplifted me. Someone I looked forward to sharing my thoughts with. A parting of ways that was best for all concerned...but a loss none the less. Sometimes people cross paths at the wrong time in life. Different directions lead them to opposite destinations.

My path is clearly being cut for me, chiseled into a route of healthy habits and postive thinking....not everyone will be joining me on this journey. If I am to stay healthy, I must leave them behind. They won't be forgotten. If you are reading this there is a place in my heart of you.

Already bucking the system

2008-07-31T19:14:00.000-07:00

Well I made it through the day....hubby went back to work today and I survived with my two kids alone without hiding under the covers...at least until he got home. It takes so much energy to 'fake it' for them, that tonight I feel like I have run a marathon. I feel like I am walking through water. My brain is empty. My emotions are numb.

I can tell the double dose of Cymbalta created some manic symptoms today, they were a welcome reprieve from the depths of despair of earlier this week. I can see why so many bipolar patients end up refusing treatment or not staying on course....If I were completely honest with myself I would tell you that I strongly fear loosing the mania. The energy. The creativity. The lack of need for sleep. The crazy antics and the wild hair ideas. Part of me doesn't want to find the 'happy medium'. And I think if I didn't have kids I would refuse treatment. But the crash involved when the mania escapes is too much of a burden on my family. And while I have yet to ever be suicidal I am aware that if bipolar disorder goes untreated for years the depression side of it come become down right scary. I don't want to be that person. So I am going to have to be willing to sacrifice some of my crazy ass energy and tendencies in order to become a more stable and healthy person. I am afraid of it.

The more research I do, the more I can already say I have become very prejudice to Lithium and I pray that this drug is not something on the agenda for me. There are so many drugs out there to try...I will push for an alternative. As a writer, as an artist, as a creative person I refuse to sacrifice myself to the numbing holy altar of Lithium. I watched my mother succumb to this drug as well, and in the end it was not appropriate for her condition, but the side affects were sad. I don't want to be a zombie....and perhaps I am mistaken about this drug, but I will fight to keep it out of my body. I want to be well informed about the drugs that are going to be shoved down me to try to make me 'normal'

Funny I didn't used to worry about any drugs I consumed...the more the better, and the greater the intoxication the better....now here I am 'clean'... and all fucked up in the head....ain't life just a barrel of monkeys.

P.S. Some of you may have noticed a big change in my playlist....big changes in life called for some more appropriate tunes....enjoy

MIL Madness

2008-07-31T10:43:00.000-07:00

I realize that some of this could be a symptom of my illness...but I cannot stop obsessing over the words my MIL spoke to me last night and how much they have hurt. She wasn't mean about it...it's just the fact that she said them at all. And now I feel as if I have no outlet...no reprieve...when the kids are more than I can take and I need a few hours to recoup...I am out of options. The fact that she says she 'has no life' over this just tears out my gut. She works part time, and I know that having the kids one evening a week and on Saturday mornings does eat up a lot of her time...but I had no idea I was causing her such 'grief'. It's all I can think about this morning and the tears just keep coming. I keep trying to figure out an alternative. A way to give up some of my jobs without bankrupting us. Obviously at some point the day care is going to have to go. But I have two pregnant mommies counting on me, a new baby supposed to start next month....and what do I say???? WTF do I say????

And what do I say to her??? I love her. She is the mother of my husband. We have our problems...no doubt...but I don't want to hurt her. And even if I did choose to bring this up and how badly it hurt me, it will be blamed on my illness. In fact from now on every issue we ever have from here on out will be blamed on my illness. That is her MO...all her issues with her husband get blamed on his drinking, issues with my husband get blamed on his 'sensitivity' etc....it's never her fault, and now everyone has the ultimate ammunition against me. Which sounds a bit paranoid...but not untrue. My side of the family is used to dealing with mental illness....his family, mmm not so much. Although there have been several suicides back in the family tree, so they aren't completely free from the demon.

I am writing her a letter I fully intend to NOT give to her. Maybe it will at least make me feel a bit better. She will chalk them up to the ramblings of a madwoman....maybe they are.

The Verdict is in....drum roll please....

2008-07-30T20:00:00.000-07:00

Bipolar Disorder....who's shocked? Let me see a show of hands?!

Yeah yeah...I knew it all along, didn't we talk about this about 2 months ago? I'm the dumbass who talked myself out of the appointment. I am feeling better after talking to my doctor. I have been given medication to get the panic attacks under control and my Cymbalta has been upped temporarily to try to lift me out of this episode. But I have to admit I am feeling much better tonight. Just purging it all to my doctor helped tremendously. He chastised me for using the terms "nuts" "crazy" "whack job" "psycho" etc...clearly he doesn't appreciate my humor! LOL! But he confirmed what I suspected all along. Now I am being moved along to a head shrinker to get the in depth scoop. I will know more about that appointment tomorrow. It may be a month or so before I get in, as long as I have no 'scary feelings'....but I already feel like a burden has been lifted from me. It is in God's hands now and I have faith that by taking control of this and reigning it in, I will be just fine.

My only heartache tonight comes from the conversation we had with my Mother in Law tonight. I felt that we might as well tell her because she is so involved in our lives that the 'migraine' story was only going to last so long. She is aware of my struggle with depression, but she's not exactly of the generation that approves of medicating oneself for 'simply being down in the dumps'....you know the type. Well first let me give you a brief family history. My mother suffered from schizoaffective disorder - bipolar type which is NOT the same as simply having bipolar disorder. Her world was riddled with paranoid delusions and hallucinations of the most frightening forms. I couldn't have her at my wedding because she was convinced someone was coming to murder me there....you get the picture.

Hubby and I take MIL aside and quietly tell her the news. Her first reaction is this "I was just telling (insert sister-in-law's name) that I thought that's what was wrong with you...because of your mom and everything...." This of course instantly made me feel vulnerable and weak...the family has been talking about me? About my mental health? Hubby and I were both quick to explain that what I am suffering from is in no way the same thing. But I couldn't resist asking her why in the world they would be discussing my mental health? What had I done or said that gave them reason to talk about it? She informed me that because I have her watch our kids so often....she felt used....she has no life because of it....etc....She watches the kids a few evenings a week here and there, and on Saturday mornings when I work. She lives 1 mile down the road...I had no idea I was robbing her of her 'life'. I was crushed. What little relief I had gotten at the doctor's office had suddenly been stomped back down to the depths of despair...Hubby was upset about it too, and the first thing he said when we got into the car to leave was that he was sorry. She has a knack for bad timing and bad wording...and it's always always in a manner that it hurtful, even when you know she doesn't mean to hurt you. But I am very hurt. I am fighting the compulsion to write a letter and send her all my research on schizoaffective disorder...because believe you me I have TONS! I researched it to the bone before I had children, I feared I would develop it or pass it to my kids. I have come to the conclusion that most doctors do not believe that it is hereditary, unlike bipolar disorder, which is. But to be compared to the psychosis my mother suffered was devastating for me. To hear that people in my husband's family were comparing me to her made me want to vomit. They witnessed some pretty horrifying things when my mother was alive, and now I fear they are just waiting for me to loose my marbles, running around naked trying to save the world from sin, and start hallucinating.....

If I know anything at all...I know I am not psychotic! I am not her. I am not suicidal, and never have been. I don't hear voices. I don't hallucinate or have delusions of grandeur. It hurt to be compared to her in such a manner. I know the best thing to do is just let it go. But clearly I have a hard time with that...I think the 'mania' side of my disorder probably lends to that. I am anxious to meet with the psychiatrist and find out my actual diagnosis. I don't believe that I am a rapid cycling patient, but only a doctor can tell me that. Either way I am ready to take on the task of getting better. But now I hesitate to ask my husband's family to help with the children while I try to do what is necessary to get help. I don't have many other options when it comes to childcare.....I feel trapped now. I have apparently made her feel used. I was prepared to hear at some point in time how my illness may have hurt people in the last few months...just not 45 minutes after the actual diagnosis.

And for the record the shrink may disagree with this diagnosis too. This is just a preliminary diagnosis from my physician. We shall see. The good news, for now, is that I am starting to feel better. I hope the sunshine returns tomorrow.

P.S. Thank you so much for all the support. You have no idea how much it means to me!

Facing the storm

2008-07-29T22:47:00.000-07:00

It’s nighttime, and I feel a bit closer to normal again, much like last night. Today has not been good, and I have been stricken with several panic attacks. They are scaring me. I am anxious to speak to the doctor.

There is a storm moving in and it beckoned me to step outside tonight. I could hear the thunder in the distance and the wind blowing against the house as the lightening lit up the windows. I decided to step out and sit on the porch for a while and watch before the rain settled in. As I sat listening to thick line of trees and woods nearby whoosh and roar with the winds, and the lightening brighten up the sky, I found comfort. The strong wind on my cheeks and my arms, the rumble of thunder creeping closer, and the flash of brightness blinding my eyes, seemed to be whispering to me, or perhaps shouting to me. A reminder from God that all things in nature must endure rough seas, stormy weather and darkness. It felt like a quiet embrace between my maker and I, assuring me that I will be ok. Watching the nature surrounding me shiver and bend to the will of the winds, I felt a little less alone. The outdoors seemed to be presenting me a mirror of the turmoil in my soul.

I sat there calmly, feeling better for the first time in a while, trying to envision the winds and the rain carrying my darkness away with them, praying for sunshine tomorrow.

I have a Dr. appointment in the afternoon. Hubby is going with me. We both need to hear what the doctor has to say, and I think it will do him some good to get some insight from the doc about what this is really like and help him understand. I can’t say enough about how much support he has been in the last 24 hours. He stayed home from work today…..and never once rolled his eyes or seemed irritated by the fact that I never left the bed. He sat with me some, took care of the kids, and promised me it would all be better soon…..I believe him. And I believe in me. I have survived far worse storms in my life…depression will never get the best of me.