Little Boys with BIG TOYS....

If you look closely in this pic you will see my sons riding shotgun to cut wheat as their Uncle Roscoe (no not his real name, but the name he answers to) drives the combine. They were just in hog heaven! Obviously the date on the camera is waaaaaay off, it was my MIL's camera, but this was taken in early July. They had so much fun, and I just love this pic so much I had to share it (I've actually been meaning to post it for quite some time, but kept forgetting...imagine that!)! It's moments like these that make me happy to be raising my kids in the country!

Ok maybe Goddess was too strong of a word......

My freaking arms are killing ME! Geez Louise...how do people use a weed eater every week? Granted I had more than just your average weeds around the house to contend with....I practically weeded the whole farm like any certified manic chick would do...but Good God I am in PAIN today!!!!

On a totally different note...I applied for a job. I sent my resume in for a job opening locally as a Parent Educator. It's only 27 hours a week, but would pan out to be a little more pay than I am making now at home and I could make my own hours. So if I were to the job, it is my hope that I could just work three 9 hour days T, W, TH and then have M, F home with my boys. I am excited, I have no idea if I will get the job or not, but it's a job I have wanted for quite a while. My oldest son participated in a program through this organization due to a speech delay and he loved having his 'teacher' come out every other week! That is what my job would consist of, visiting families on a regular basis for children who are at risk for developmental delays and working with parents to better their skills in dealing with the child's needs...among other duties. Keep your fingers crossed for me. This may be my way out of doing home day care while not having to totally give up my SAHM status. Yes I will be away from them 3 days a week, but lately that doesn't seem like such a bad thing. If that makes me a bad Mama so be it.....

Another big bonus is that it will get my foot in the door with this organization so that perhaps I can get a full time job with them at some point. In addition they offer tuition reimbursement for employees who want to further their education...HELLO....it might be a while before I qualify for all that, but this is an organization I could see myself making a career out of. If I get the job. I am not exactly what they were hoping for, it is my understanding that they are hoping for someone with a Bachelor's degree. But I have a many years experience in the Early Childhood Development field, and I have certification to be a Child Care Director for any facilities in Illinois an I have served in those positions before, so I have many years of experience behind me...if not the actual education. In my opinion experience often outweighs textbook learning ten times over!

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Hail to the Domestic Goddess of Words and Weeds

No no not that kind of weed...LOL! I did something today that my husband would have squawked and had a fit over! I used the weed eater! He has been working very late each night because they are short handed where he works and the yard work just wasn't getting done. Well he and I kind of have this arrangement...it goes like this, I am not allowed to do the yard work, which I bitch and moan about, but secretly am glad I don't have to do it. Just like he thinks he is not allowed to do laundry or dishes, but unbeknownst to him I would would be thrilled if he traded in his lawn mower for dishpan hands!

We are having family pictures taken tonight and I decided to have the photographer come here to our house so we could have pics taken outside and on our porch. We have two ponds and lots of acreage so there are many many places to stage photos for the kids. However the weed situation was getting out of control! Sooooooo I took my little country butt out to the garage and found the weed eater. I read the instructions on how to start it...and then re-read them. And then I fired her up and off we went....shredding the life out of the cocky weeds who had taken over my yard!!! I felt like Superwoman...

Yes I live a sheltered life.

I am happy to report that not only did I NOT injure myself or anyone else...but that I did a pretty damn good job too! The place looks great. But can I just say my hands shook for like 2 hours from all the vibration (you'd think I'd be used to that *wink wink*) and my forearms are killing me!!! I used muscles I didn't know I had!

The Other Life...on the Dream Side

The meds I am taking seem to produce very vivid and realistic dreams everynight. Some of them are funny, some are strange. Some are even sexy. I could write some odd little collection of short stories based on my intoxicated dreams lately.

Last night was a doozy. I can't really tell you about it. You'll just have to use your imagination. It involved sex...and not with my husband...hey I can't control my dreams right? But I woke up this morning still reeling from the consequences of the dream....pregnancy. I thought for about 10 seconds after I woke up that I really was pregnant and didn't know how I was going to tell my husband. Then I chuckled at myself. I think if you looked up Drama Queen in the dictionary I would at least be the 4th definition.

Good Morning Folks! How was your dream life last night?

A little ditty

I could grumble about my husband
But I won't
I could tell you I feel chipper
But I don't

I could say to you,
How do you do?
I could act like I care
When you say "Oh I'm fair"

I could write about Obama,
And my fondness for his wife
I could bitch about conservatives
But I couldn't care less tonight.

I could growl about my health
And the hand that I've been dealt
But I know there's those far worse
And my piddly problems just make them curse.

I could write a little ditty
About travelling to the city
Esacping my life
A terrible wife.

I could write you a song
I could sing all night long,
Of the giggles and grins
Of my beautiful children

But instead
I am off to bed
Too tired to grumble
Or muble
Just stumble.
Too tired to write
Though I'm feeling contrite
Too tired to sing
Too tired for anything.
But thanks for stopping by,
Next time I will try
To actually care
If you are only doing fair.

Let it Die

I am sure that I am way behind the times in my discovery of the song “Let it Die” by the Foo Fighters. (Give me a break, I'm stuck with Barney and Laurie Berkner everyday) I felt compelled to blog about it. WOW! I wonder how long he held that in before he had to put a pen to paper to scream his sentiments to Kurt Cobain. I can sympathize.

As a member of the Nirvana generation, I can honestly say that his death affected me profoundly, especially the manner of his death. This man, this voice, who spoke my thoughts and sang my truths….this man who represented every nonconformity that blossomed out of my rebel soul….threw it all away by chewing the wrong end off of a shot gun. Much like Janis Joplin and Jim Morrison before him, here was a man with a message, a vision, a pied piper to millions of young people begging for guidance and desperate for reassurance that we were not alone in our isolation and pain. Confused and rejected, abused and neglected…Nirvana was our megaphone. The album Nevermind is probably top on my list of life changing musical discoveries. And I discovered it before it was cool, before it had radio or MTV play. Some of my punk rock comrades had discovered the band through the underground network and we all began sharing bootleg copies of several of the songs on their upcoming album, including Smells Like Teen Spirit…to this day that song makes me feel young and anxious. I wish I still had a copy of the original, unpolished, un-produced version...it was absolutely amazing.

Dave Grohl clearly was blindsided by the death of his friend and band mate. The lyrics speak for themselves when he says “Why’d you have to go and let it die?”, repeated over and over as if he is trying to say them enough times to reach the afterlife and let Kurt hear them and ponder them. And his anger at having his dreams dashed by this one stupid moment... “Did you ever think of me? You’re so considerate. Did you ever think of me? Oh, you’re so considerate!” Not to mention the reference to Kurt’s blushing bride, Courtney Love.

Oddly enough upon a google search, Grohl claims this song is not about Kurt……Bullshit.

Good News Good News Good News!!!!

He woke up!! He woke up at 5:30 this morning! He doesn't remember anything, and they still don't have a lot of answers, but the most important thing at this point is that he is awake!!! I firmly believe in the power of prayer and we did a lot of it last night!

River, my 4 year old, has the Catholic meal prayer committed to memory...so that is the prayer he recited last night to pray for Curtis. Then he asked his Daddy how Curtis was going to hear the prayer...Daddy explained that God would hear the prayer and take care of Curtis....then River asked Daddy a very important question about God...."What is he wearing?" That was a question Daddy didn't have an answer for.....

Many Prayers Needed!!!

I just got a horrible phone call. My best friend Beth's younger brother had a massive siezure last night and is currently in a coma. He is only 17 years old. He has been unresponsive for the last 24 hours and when he does come too for a few moments he doesn't recognize the family and at times has been very combative. They have run test after test and have no idea yet what could possibly be wrong. A possible infection in the lining of his brain has been discussed, but this family is absolutely terrified. Please please please if you are the praying sort send up some prayers for them. I am at a loss for words...

If you follow her blog this is Bethany from Journey of a 20 Something Country Gal

The Blind leading The Blind?

So...if the idea of going back to school to finish my BA, at the least, is still on the table....is it odd that I am leaning towards Psychology, given my recent issues? I have considered such a degree for years, but now I am wondering if I would be setting myself up for trouble if I dedicate myself to a career dealing with other people's mental health. There is a huge part of me that feels my own life experience, especially now, but including my childhood that can lend an empathetic understanding to people I would be working with. I would eventually like to earn my Master's and continue on as a therapist....but what happens when I am having a hard time myself. It would not be good to be listening to a suicidal patient while I am in the throes of depression myself....I can see the headlines now "Therapist and Patient throw themselves off local bridge...." That would not be good....and yes I am poking fun at a serious topic...but it's a logical scenario right? I mean even with the best meds and therapy in the world I am going to have ups and downs... and what happens on those days when I have to face someone who is struggling and I am struggling too? How does that work? We go to the local pub and get smashed and hope tomorrow is a better day for both of us???

My other option is an English degree. Obviously writing is my passion, literature is too. However, around here, out in the boonies, the best I can hope for is to be an English teacher at the local Jr. College...more likely a high school teacher. And everyone hates their English teacher LOL! Everyone except me of course! It was my favorite class. I actually enjoyed writing term papers! I made some good money in Jr. College writing term papers for other students :0)~ Always the saint... but see then I just spent the money on beer and weed. A smart girl would have socked it away to help pay for another 2 years of school. I wasn't the brightest or most ambitious of gals back then....give me a live band and a dime bag and I was happy for the night! What I wouldn't give to redo a lot of those years.

So that is the dilemma of the moment....anybody got any brilliant ideas?

The Little Engine that Couldn't?

I am starting to doubt myself for the first time in a long time. I am usually the ballsy, take on the world, I can conquer anything kind of chick. But I am starting to have serious doubts about my ability to handle going back to school, while trying to hold down enough jobs to pay the bills, and manage my illness at the same time......I want that degree like a fat girl wants cake!! And trust me on that, I am a fat girl! :0)

But what if I can't do it? I can't put my family into that kind of debt simply to fail. I am notorious for starting big projects or having big plans and ideas that I abandon once they are no longer exciting or stimulating. (what we now know is a common symptom of my illness) And let's face it, school isn't always going to be exciting or stimulating. In fact it's going to down right SUCK sometimes. But I WANT THAT DEGREE......I was deciding on Psychology or English....now I am just trying to decide whether I even have the balls to try. What has happened to me?