Sunday, March 30, 2008

Mysterious Matron Martyrs

I am grouchy today! My hubby is having a very difficult weekend emotionally, and I feel sorry for his frustration. It is work related, and he takes things very personally. He is a sensitive sort. And he wears his heart on is sleeve in the presence of trusted loved he is a lump in the recliner this morning. And frankly that is not any different than most other Sundays, but since I am once again not feeling the best, it is pissing me off! I woke up to a disaster of a house after having the luxury of sleeping until know that good feeling you have when you have slept late. You feel a bit like pampered royalty (especially when you are used to rising at the crack of dawn with hungry cranky toddlers) arise feeling refreshed, alive, and just plain yummy...and then I walked into the kitchen! Holy Fuck! God love him, my poor grouchy husband informs me that he has been up since 5:30 a.m. because he couldn't sleep. And I am such a bitch that my first thought is "If you have been up that long, why the hell didn't you DO SOMETHING around here!!" Of course I did NOT say this! A good wife knows to keep most of her nasty thoughts to herself. I gave him a hug and told him I was sorry he had a rough night.

So I proceed to make pancakes for breakfast. We have a lovely family meal (minus my plate...I have no appetite this morning) After everyone finishes...back to the recliner he not only am I left with the mess BEFORE I started cooking, I am now left with the mess I had AFTER I cooked. So I clean clean clean, and yes I realize I am playing the role of the martyr's the dance we dance quite often. I am too independent to ask for help...and he is sure not gonna do anything unless he is asked. I am not his mother I shouldn't have to ASK...or that is my standard line anyway. And since I am still feeling somewhat poorly, with increased cramping after my clean fest, now I am more pissed than ever!!

Funny thing is I am painfully aware of how immature I am being about this. I could have just done the dishes and left everything else. But no, I swept the floor, wiped down chairs and bar stools, scrubbed counters, scrubbed the stove top....and now I am cramping pretty badly. Now wasn't that just stupid?! I did it out of spite...all the while screaming at him in my mind for not helping me....yet I didn't ask for help...and I went far beyond what was necessary in the way of my 'chores'.

Why are women so complicated? Sometimes I can see us from a man's point of view....and I pity them. We must be impossible to understand. Although, since his lazy butt is still in the recliner while I have typed this with two toddlers crawling all over me, fetched two snacks, a glass of apple juice, another glass of apple juice cause that was not the right cup, changed a diaper and shut down two rounds of WWE on the floor....I don't pity him TOO MUCH! LOL!

Friday, March 28, 2008

Sorry for the Duplicates

Sorry for the duplicate posts on here and my MySpace page, but sometimes I write something I feel like sharing there so I just copy it....much of what I write here is written here because I can't share it there....but I suppose some things bear repeating. That or I just really really like to talk to myself!

Religious Insomnia Ramblings

I can't sleep tonight, so yes once again I am talking to myself. I just finished watching the new Elizabeth movie...can't remember the exact title but it was very good. I have a passion for Elizabethan and Victorian era stories, true or fiction. And not the Harlequin Romance kind of crap...give me Jane Austen any day. But back to the movie...

It amazes me how society never really changes. Never. We make progress in industry, we make progress in education, we make progress in science. But in every 'civilized' society that has ever existed we war in the name of our chosen God. All we have heard in the last 7 years are about the radical Muslim sects, out to destroy our heathen country. Well, they believe they are acting in the name of God. They believe this is what God has asked of them. Sounds ridiculous huh? Just about as ridiculous as the Catholic religion slaughtering millions since it's inception in the name of God. I am a Catholic. I have chosen this religion for the sake of my family. And I find great comfort in many of it's rituals and traditions. My spirituality on the other hand is certainly a home spun brand all it's own. And when I look back on the sins of my own faith....sins that they have since had to account and apologize for...I think, "who are we to judge?" In the 2000 years since Jesus Christ died, the Catholic church has been responsible for the assassination of leaders, slaughter of communities and torture of civilians who refused to bow to their particular brand of "God". The burning of free thinking women, burned alive at the stake for all the world to see, in the name of heresy....all in the name of God.

Has the human race really progressed at all? If we must war, why can't we war like the tribes in the Amazon, for food, for land, for survival. Oh wait, we've already taken everybody's land and sucked up everybody's resources....I forgot. Nope, can't war over that.

If you see the movie, you will see why this sparked my these thoughts.....but how can Christians, especially Catholics, really point fingers at these 'crazy Muslims', when we once were thirsty for blood in the name of Christ. I am certainly NOT condoning their behavior. It's ridiculous and ludicrous....but it's not a new phenomenon by any means. How quickly forget the sins of our forefathers.

Damn It!

Well as usual I got a snippet of the feel good feeling and I went 100 mph today. Now I am once again run down, cramping quite nicely and no longer feel 'fabulous'. Fuck! What the fuck is wrong with me. I am certainly hoping that after me CT scan they tell me that absolutely nothing is wrong...don't get me wrong, I don't want bad news....but answers...answers would be good. The Dr. said if my pain increased to go the ER to get the CT scan done sooner....but it really doesn't hurt that's just constant. I mean I know pain!! I have degenerative discs in my back. What I am experiencing right now is equivalent to a hangnail compared to that. But WTF is causing it? I ended up telling my Dad, which was probably a HUGE mistake. But he called and he could tell I didn't feel good. He has some redeemable parental qualities, because he immediately jumped my ass for being so busy all the time and not taking care of myself. So I finally spilled the I fear I have worried him unnecessarily.

I am pissed! I don't like things in my life to be halted, unless I choose to halt them. I make plans, I follow through, I stay busy, that's how I like it. If I slack off on some obligation, it's always because I have found a different 'obligation' to devote all of my attention to. Sort of a pseudo slacker if you will. I might be slacking off on something, but you can bet your sweet ass it's cause I am going 90 mph on something else...

Have I mentioned I am pissed? Now I have to go take a's 4:30 in the freaking afternoon and I am going to take my second nap of the day! The one I took with the boys was not enough...oh and the Vertigo is creeping back up. Just fuckin' lovely!

P.S. I have realized since I startded this blog that I talk to myself a lot.....does that make me kind of creepy? I mean, I am really only talking to myself here right? And I seem to be doing it several times a day. Oh well....I always was a bit odd....

Clarification of the big Purge

I have recieved a few messages regarding my Purging post and I wanted to throw in a quick little note to say I am A-OK folks! Sometimes the need to vent bursts forth like a volcano! But my past is in my past, and the parts that aren't, I have found healthy ways to deal with. The life I have now is the life I wanted and I am very happy and blessed. No worries ok!!!

A note to those who are reading this that perhaps are stuck in a life they feel they can't escape. Life is what you make it!! You have the choice to decide who you are going to be and how you are going to live, in spite of your past, your upbringing, your surroundings or your influences. But you have to have the balls to make that choice!!

Ok enough on that subject. I will try not get all doom and gloomy again for a while! :0)~

Little Miss Martha.....sorta

Now that the fear of some deadly disease festering in my innards has somewhat passed... my mind is wandering back to the place it always settles in this time of year. Plans plans plans for Spring. I must have planted 100's of bulbs last fall and have started 100's of seeds this winter for spring flowers. Now before anyone starts thinking I am Miss Martha Stewart or anything, let me just explain that I am a slacker extraordinaire! I start out with a bang....and usually go out like the faint ding of a teeny tiny bell! Especially when my big ideas require an extensive amount of upkeep and effort on my part! If only the garden would take care of itself! I am resolving this year to do better. This is the first year in our new home and the first year I have really had the strong desire to landscape. Before, when we lived in a trailer I really just didn't give a shit. But now I have this beautiful home that I am so proud of, and want to enhance her with lots of color and texture and blooms and blossoms and fragrance!! I have 6 hanging pots starting for the porch filled with nasturtium, sweet peas and lobelia. I have petunias out the patootie, sweet willie coming out the...ok we'll leave that one alone...anyway I am beyond excited!

So anybody want to start taking bets now on what this 'dream garden' is gonna look like come August! LMAO!! Chances are you'll make some good money!

On another happy note, since I am feeling nearly fabulous today I started work on my cousin's wedding cake. Cake decorating is a favorite hobby of mine, that someday maybe I will try to make a career out of (when my little ones are old enough to stop poking the cake and licking off the icing...sorry Liz! ;0), but it's been a while since I have done one. I guess my son's birthday in June would be the last time. Anyhoo this cake is going to be 3 square tiers, 16", 12", and 8"...very classy, with a large ribbon around the base of each. I am going to attempt to make marshmallow fondant icing. Anyone who has ever had the store bought fondant knows it tastes horrible....that's the really smooth icing that kinda feels like play dough that you end up peeling off so that you can tolerate eating the cake....I NEVER use it! But this cake is just screaming for the smooth matte fondant look. So I found a recipe online that all the cake decorators swear by. It's made with marshmallows...and let's face it, nothing with marshmallows in it is bad! If they could find a way to wrap a brussel sprout in a marshmallow we'd all be vegetarians! So I am keeping my fingers crossed that it's good. If not we will have to settle for buttercream, which tastes divine (and will be under the fondant anyway) but you can never get it completely smooth...So all the layers are done except one and they are heading for the freezer.

Ok I have probably rambled on about a lot of shit that nobody gives a damn about today, but hey, what I can I say. The life of a Domestic Goddess is occasionally mundane!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Verses for my Babies

My children were on my mind today as words began flowing on the paper. I thought I would share these verses that were quickly scripted this morning. They are still subject to tweaking if I see fit at a later time. My children are such special little miracles, as all mothers will attest! Both of them have such unique personalities, they are opposites in so many ways. And opposites in many of the ways that my husband and I are opposites. We would make a very interesting anthropology study for someone. Anyhoo here's today's fresh baked goods:

As of yet untitled
For G.

Someday the world will bask in your presence
Riding through life grasping the coat tails of your confidence

Your decisions will be final
Your opinions will be vital

They'll Say
You'll March through all of your days

The Piper
The Fighter
Ever the Righter

The Lover
Without Cover
No shroud for your passions
Blessed be the body
Who embodies your desire

The man you will be
Is easy to see
For me
©J Stark

The Definition
For R

A simple name,
Plucked from fame.
A fallen Star,
A childish scar.

Carried for years inside my heart,
This name,
This word,
This need,
My son, the first, would bear the title.

Could I have known
With you snug in my womb
That your destined name
And character be the same?

Beautiful and Moving,
Inspiring and Nurturing,
Raging and Rambling,
Ever Changing,
Ever Moving,
Winding towards your destination,
Gathering speed,
Saturating knowledge,
Gaining Ground,
Impossible to dam,

Your Name, Your Destiny
From the dreams of a girl.
A childhood crush,
Posters on the wall,
Forgotten lust....,

But the passion for the child
Whose name he carries.
As if Angels whispered in every dream,
of the son I would birth,
one with the Earth,
Flowing through life
Still and strong.
A River.
© J Stark

From the Mouths of Babes

So I am rummaging through some of my old old old poems from back when I was young young young because they are dark and disturbing and prophetic and a young poet in my life (hello Stac) would probably find them interesting. It was my intent to send her a few to show her how similar I was to her at her age and younger....but that's not what this blog is about. This is different. I came across some REALLY old ones and one of them just pops out so relevantly to today's politics that I had to share it. This was written January 27, 1993 so I would have been 15 years old, I am not changing anything about this as I am copying it so please bear in mind I was a very young poet, I am compelled to tweak it but I won't....:


Iran, Iraq, The Tribes of Judah
Ireland, UK
The little people want to be free

Flags raised in contempt
Fists raised in debate
Black vs. White
Nothing but hate

No love, Just war
Peace is a Latin word
We writhe in pain
But beg for more

The children are dying
By their father's hands
The Government's lying
To protect our land

Blood runs cold
But quick you see
For this is America
The Land of the Free

America...the home of the brave
Well the brave are only filling graves
I'm sorry to say this land of ours
Is full of nothing but power hungry liars.

Gay vs. Straight
They run our lives
They ruin our families
And they're getting by.

The Pain
The Tears
So Vain
Our Fears

If this is America
May I always forget
That I am a native
Or that I've seen it.

Perhaps when I die
I'll have no regrets
But tonight I cry
I cry

I cry for my children
Their future's a mess
I cry for tomorrow
Her purpose is bleak

I cry for yesterday
She could not inspire

I cry for today
As we wallow in mire

I cry right now
I cry tomorrow
I'll always cry

Cry my acid tears
And scream my bloody fears
And shake at the cold of an icy race
I'll run from my country
Deny my humanity
Ashamed of what my world's become
Afraid of what we could have done

I cry
© J Wolf

GOOD LORD ALMIGHTY I was an intense little fart....already holding fast to my political convictions and liberal attitude long before I was old enough to vote. But funny how I am now more than doubled that age, and I still feel very much the same about the fate our country...soldiers are still dying, mothers are still crying, babies are still dying and the little people still want to be free.....

Just being my own worst critic, that poem definitely needs a name change...but I feel like I would be shattering a bit of my childhood if I did that. Hmmm.... Oh yeah, by the way, this poem was written back in the days when my goals were to run off to France or Italy and live in some run down villa with a few grape arbors and write novels and make cheap wine and have a lover (or two) named Pierre or Paolo or something. I never intended to stay in America.... Somehow I ended up on a farm, mucking cows, drinking cheap beer, raising kids, growing vegetables and swapping recipes online....go figure.

P.S. For those concerned...feeling MUCH better today. Maybe whatever it is that is ailing me is on it's way out!


Perhaps today is a better day. I just managed to fix muffins for my kids, and vacuum the house, and I have yet to pass out. This is a good sign!! My husband would kick me if he knew I was vacuuming, but the house was had to be done or I was just gonna loose my mind. I do have some pretty hefty cramping in my abdomen though. I keep trying to tell myself it's my imagination, my fear manifesting itself through phantom pains. And since I am nearly certifiably insane's certainly possible!

Speaking of insane, I have to gripe for a moment about my MIL (not insinuating that she is insane of course....I meant myself...really...I only meant myself). She cleans for a retired Nurse Practitioner, so she is always relaying my current health dramas to her. For years I hid from her my struggles with depression. You know there are some people you can tell just don't understand....she is one. I have heard her say that alcoholism is a choice, homosexuality is a choice, and depression is something you can just 'snap out of' if you try hard enough. You know the type....we all have someone like this in our life. Anyhooo about 6 months ago or so I just spilled the beans about my mental health issues. I refuse to hide that anymore. I yam what I yam! Also it is a strong belief of mine that perhaps my family might have been spared years and years of abuse and trauma if this 'dirty little family secret' had been dealt with with honesty and action, starting about 50 years ago!.

Ok back to the drama at hand. My MIL has given the 'look' on many occasions when she hears me speak about my depression meds, or my disorder. But I ignore it. However last night she had a conversation about me and my current issues with her nurse friend and they both agree I need to start weaning myself off these meds......this nurse doesn't even know me, never seen my face.

How do you explain to someone the darkness inside your mind? How do you explain to someone the physical impairment your mind can enforce on you when you are in the depths of depression? How do you make someone understand that the 'happy go lucky' 'chipper' 'perky' 'energetic' person they see on a daily basis has no means of being that person when she is gripped by a depressive episode. How do explain to someone who had a nearly perfect childhood what it was like to be raised by a mother who lost all grip on reality and lived in her own psychotic world. How do you explain to a person who had a Leave it to Beaver Father, what it was like to be abandoned by a man for a large chunk of your teenage years while he served time in prison and didn't contact you for more than a year after his release. How do you explain what it was like to be a 6 year old little girl waiting on the porch with your little suitcase until it was dark outside on a Friday night, certain he would show up....until finally your mom made you come inside and get ready for bed, informing you that he probably forgot about you. Better yet how about his second term in prison shortly before your wedding, not knowing if he would be released in time to attend, and knowing that your mother had completely lost her mind and could not attend.....that was a fun time let me tell you! Preparing to appear as an orphan at my own wedding. How do you explain to a person who has never experienced other unspeakable traumas, that I have no desire to re-hash, that the corners of your mind are forever scarred by memories you cannot erase. How do explain that the miracle of modern science has found a way to trick your brain into producing the happy chemicals that help you be the person you were supposed to be before a bunch of people in your life went and fucked up your brain for the rest of your life!!!???!!!!

How do you tactfully say 'butt out'. For the sake of her grandchildren, I choose to be pro-active in my health care. I choose to find ways to be a better me. Medication does this for me. I am not ashamed of that.

Boy that was deep....not the blog I intended to just kind of came out. Purging. Sometimes it's refreshing.


Wednesday, March 26, 2008

The Secret Garden

First of all, for being sick I sure seem to be doing a lot of writing eh? But when you are laying in bed with thoughts racing through your head it's hard not to release them. It's so much easier for me write all my racing thoughts down than to pick up the phone and call a friend. I am a bit of a hermit that way. I don't know why really. Perhaps it's the 'wall' that we put up, and perhaps mine is thicker due to circumstances I can't seem to overcome, that are always in the rear view mirror. But I was thinking about this today as I was drifting off to sleep for the 3rd time today....after I posted several of my poems, and thinking of my DH and our strange but entirely functional relationship. Bruce Springsteen wrote a song that has tapped into the female soul like no other man could. He said

She'll lead you down a path
There'll be tenderness in the air
She'll let you've come just far enough
So you know she's really there
She'll look at you and smile
And her eyes will say
She's got a secret garden
Where everything you want
Where everything you need
Will always stay
A million miles away

Those few words seem to sum up nearly every relationship I have ever had with a man. Well, let me rephrase that, every romantic relationship I have ever had with a man. There have been and still are men in my life, who know the deepest darkest parts of me...but I think for that reason they could never be lovers. Why is that?

I love my husband dearly. And at the time he came into my life, I was so fucked up that he represented everything missing in my life. Stability, sanity, security, love, devotion.....and I knew I would be safe with him for the rest of my life. I knew I could love him for the rest of my life. And I knew he would be a wonderful father. And he is. He is everything I knew that he would be.

So what's the point to this blog? The point is...he doesn't know me. Not really. He knows a portion of me. He knows the parts of me I allow him to see. But he doesn't know the darker parts of me or my past. And to be quite frank, he doesn't want to. And he has very little interest in my talents. Not because he is not proud of me, but because he doesn't understand them. I have heard him tell people on occasion that I am a 'good writer' or something along that lines. But never has he ever read a poem, story, line or quote that has been penned by my hand. He puffs up with pride when someone else brags on my work....yet he has no true interest in my work himself. Nor have I ever expected him to. He is a motor head kind of guy. The only thing he reads are tool catalogs and The Trader...why would I ever expect him to read a poem. He will tell you himself that he doesn't understand them and doesn't care to try. He isn't interested in art, although he will praise my drawing occasionally....but the thought of visiting a museum would equal a prostate exam to him.

Ok still rambling. The point I guess, is, that person I chose to spend my life with is someone I cannot share my soul with. My words are the pathway to that 'Secret Garden' that The Boss so eloquently sings of....and my words are for the most part meaningless to the man who loves me. How strange that I chose him. I chose safety, calm, quiet, simplicity over a man who would be passionate about the things pouring out of my heart onto empty pages....I chose a man who prefers the empty pages.....

I often wonder if I so fiercely guard my true self that I could never commit myself to someone who could truly see inside me. Perhaps that place is so dark that I don't dare allow a lover to experience it, for fear of misinterpretation and abandonment. Perhaps we all do that. The Boss wrote another song about that exact thing Brilliant Disguise. Oh and then there is the other musical legend Billy Joel who wrote The Stranger yeah....this is not a new phenomenon. Perhaps I am not alone in having chosen a lover who doesn't truly know the real me.....but I love his little redneck heart!

Well these are thoughts to ponder for the day anyway.

Some Old Poems

If you hate poetry....pass this one up!

I have some old poetry that was too personal to share on my old blog where some of those close to me might not understand...or appreciate. I feel safe to express them here. And since writing and sleeping is all I seem to want to do right we go. More to come I promise. A nap is beckoning me.

The Next Life

March 26, 2008
Whose to say it’s you and me?
Whose to say what’s meant to be?
There’s you
There’s me
There’s me
There’s he

He the presumption of what could have been
He the assumption of what should have been
He my imagination creates in sin
He who confirms with the glint in his eye
Perhaps the illusion is not created by I.

Sitting too closely
Lingering too long
Whispering too loudly
Baring a soul I can’t reveal to you.

His ear is a golden funnel
Open to my thoughts
Interested in my needs
Daring me to entertain thoughts of evil deeds.

Never confirm it
Never speak it
Never hint at it
We never acknowledge this, whatever it is

Our mouths never utter words of devotion
Our words never steer us to dangerous ground
Only the look, our eyes reveal the notion,
That perhaps…..there is an us.

Both committed,
Both in love.

Yet this invisible rope draws us
Each time we are near
Closer and closer
And someday I fear
That our eyes will betray us
To those we hold dear

The one I am sworn to love

I will forever love

But he might not know the real me

But there's someone that seems to be....

Someday in my next life
Perhaps he will be
The love that today I presumed he could be……
© J Stark

River’s Road
January 31, 2007

He is a mystery
This little man of mine
With his little personality
Changing at drop of a dime

Mad sad glad
Giggle wiggle scream
March kick stomp
Whisper speak sing

His own special song
Known only to him
“Menamee Menamee”
He sings
No explanation of what it means

I want a crystal ball
Just a quick peek
Will he follow his dreams?
Will he try?

Curious about life
Curious about things
Always seeking knowledge
Drink it in, Drink it in

Caught between the need
To be my baby
And to be Daddy’s little man
Poor child what a choice to make

Toddlerhood is much like being a teenager
Never sure which road to take
Am I a boy? Am I a man?
We will travel this road again someday……
© J Stark

This one might have made it to my MySpace blog...but I still love it.

One Way Ticket
January 31, 2007

A discovery,
Of who I used to be.
Something lost is found again.
Something old is new again.

Me, Me, Me,
Where have you been?
The train dropped you off early,
When you hopped on for a ride.

You had a destination.
An assumed destiny.
A picture in your mind,
Of who you thought you’d be

Your ticket said the last town.
You stepped off in the first.
It was seemingly safe and normal,
An effortless comfortable choice

The town you’re in is nice.
It’s sweet and cozy and quiet.
Very little drama,
The perfect escape

Hiding from yourself.
Hiding from your past.
If you try to be who you’re destined to be,
You will have to face your yesterday.

The train whistles in the distance.
It’s coming back again.
Can you find your ticket?
Is it tucked under your pillow?

If you flag it down
And show the engineer
That you got off too soon, will he oblige?
Will he let you back in?

How’s about three more?
For you can’t leave them behind.
Tuck them in your suitcase,
Are they ready for this ride?

To a new an exciting place
With someone they don’t know
A shadow of the girl he loved
So very long ago.

You think he knows
Somewhere deep inside
That you never meant to stop here
When you took that little train ride.

But maybe now you’re here
He’d be willing to go there.
And love the girl you used to be
You never showed him her.

© J Stark

Jokers Wild
For E

Two of a kind
She and I
Both a few cards short
In the deck.

I the joker, always smiling
I Entertain the crowd
She the Queen of Spades
Captivates every soul.

One too big
One too small
Both just trying
To be.
Or not to be.
That is the question….

I grow a little each day
Wider and rounder my flesh pulls at my bones.
She on the other hand shrinks away
Bones try to hang onto her flesh.

Knowing full well the result of my feast
I am never full enough.
Trying to find satiation and the promise of

If I could crawl in her brain I suspect I would find
She is never empty enough.
Ridding herself of all of the pain with the promise of

Nobody understands
Not everyone is dealt this hand
So easy to say “Just put the fork down”
Or “Just pick it up”

Simple simple solutions
Complicated reasons
Simple simple remedies
Unreasonable requests.

Strange how our paths crossed ways again
The Queen and I.
Our cards had been dealt in separate games.
Today we barely know each other,
And yet we do.
Soul mates and kindred spirits never forget,

Strange how we find ourselves in this predicament
The Queen and I
The game we play now the same.
One of us hiding behind layers of flesh
One of us trying to disappear.
Neither of us facing the mirror.

If I look in the mirror I hope to see her,
Small and frail and beautiful.
But I see me
Large and soft and beautiful.
I wonder what does she see?

We’ll finish this hand,
The Queen and I.
Till the dealer has dealt his last.
Someday we both will see ourselves
As we were meant to be.
© J Stark

And Yet Another Blog....

So I have started yet another blog. This one is somewhat anonymous I suppose. My MySpace blog has far too many family members watching for me to discuss some things in my life that are just screaming to be written about. I suppose keeping a private diary would be the more sensible solution to this problem...but is anything really private anymore. With the world of blogs, You Tube, reality TV and the likes, aren't we all just dying to flaunt our private drama for the public world to see...OK, maybe that is harsh. But I guess it is the only way I can justify in my mind why I have started yet another blog! I am either obsessed with myself, or have a compulsion to write that overpowers my good sense to keep my mouth (or fingers as it may be) quiet.

I have a health scare. A problem I don't care to discuss on MySpace because my family will just freak the fuck out. But I am preparing to have a CT scan of my abdomen as well as a scope thingy from a urologist because there might be something growing in there....I have been very sick for the last 8 days. I can barely stay awake for more than a few hours at a time and there is an increasing pain in my innards! I lost a significant amount of blood 8 days ago from my bladder, and when I say significant I mean something out of a cheap horror movie. When the doctor pressed around in there yesterday (my 3rd visit in 8 days!) I squealed like a piglet loosing his manhood (and since I have personally castrated a few piglets in my day, I can assure you I know exactly what that sounds like). All my CBC and various other acronymic tests came back fine...which was good and frustrating at the same time. I have never once insisted I am completely sane, but when you feel like I do and all these tests come back OK, you start to feel certifiably loony! What the fuck is wrong with me.

I am the girl that everyone says "How do you do it all?!" Referring to my status as a stay at home mom, home day care provider to 4 other children, waitress/bartender/banker on the weekends and webmaster to a site where I sell hand stitched crafts, if you are interested (OK cheap plug, I know...). And I usually respond with a smile! I love it! I like to be busy! I like raising my children! And I am proud that I have found ways around making money so that I can still be able to do that. But now I am a mere shell of myself. It's frustrating. It's depressing. Sitting at this computer is about all I have the energy to do. And my poor children are eating Easter candy for breakfast in front of the boob tube because I have no energy to fix them a proper breakfast, nor the will to fight them on their pleading and begging for candy. That is NOT the kind of mom I usually am.......It's pissing me off!

So that is my confession. The confession that was screaming to be written that could not be written in my other blogs. Perhaps later I will find the energy to spill all my other personal secrets and dreams that I keep inside for fear nobody in my real life would understand. Believe me there are thousands. But for now I need to lay down.