Thursday, March 27, 2008


Perhaps today is a better day. I just managed to fix muffins for my kids, and vacuum the house, and I have yet to pass out. This is a good sign!! My husband would kick me if he knew I was vacuuming, but the house was had to be done or I was just gonna loose my mind. I do have some pretty hefty cramping in my abdomen though. I keep trying to tell myself it's my imagination, my fear manifesting itself through phantom pains. And since I am nearly certifiably insane's certainly possible!

Speaking of insane, I have to gripe for a moment about my MIL (not insinuating that she is insane of course....I meant myself...really...I only meant myself). She cleans for a retired Nurse Practitioner, so she is always relaying my current health dramas to her. For years I hid from her my struggles with depression. You know there are some people you can tell just don't understand....she is one. I have heard her say that alcoholism is a choice, homosexuality is a choice, and depression is something you can just 'snap out of' if you try hard enough. You know the type....we all have someone like this in our life. Anyhooo about 6 months ago or so I just spilled the beans about my mental health issues. I refuse to hide that anymore. I yam what I yam! Also it is a strong belief of mine that perhaps my family might have been spared years and years of abuse and trauma if this 'dirty little family secret' had been dealt with with honesty and action, starting about 50 years ago!.

Ok back to the drama at hand. My MIL has given the 'look' on many occasions when she hears me speak about my depression meds, or my disorder. But I ignore it. However last night she had a conversation about me and my current issues with her nurse friend and they both agree I need to start weaning myself off these meds......this nurse doesn't even know me, never seen my face.

How do you explain to someone the darkness inside your mind? How do you explain to someone the physical impairment your mind can enforce on you when you are in the depths of depression? How do you make someone understand that the 'happy go lucky' 'chipper' 'perky' 'energetic' person they see on a daily basis has no means of being that person when she is gripped by a depressive episode. How do explain to someone who had a nearly perfect childhood what it was like to be raised by a mother who lost all grip on reality and lived in her own psychotic world. How do you explain to a person who had a Leave it to Beaver Father, what it was like to be abandoned by a man for a large chunk of your teenage years while he served time in prison and didn't contact you for more than a year after his release. How do you explain what it was like to be a 6 year old little girl waiting on the porch with your little suitcase until it was dark outside on a Friday night, certain he would show up....until finally your mom made you come inside and get ready for bed, informing you that he probably forgot about you. Better yet how about his second term in prison shortly before your wedding, not knowing if he would be released in time to attend, and knowing that your mother had completely lost her mind and could not attend.....that was a fun time let me tell you! Preparing to appear as an orphan at my own wedding. How do you explain to a person who has never experienced other unspeakable traumas, that I have no desire to re-hash, that the corners of your mind are forever scarred by memories you cannot erase. How do explain that the miracle of modern science has found a way to trick your brain into producing the happy chemicals that help you be the person you were supposed to be before a bunch of people in your life went and fucked up your brain for the rest of your life!!!???!!!!

How do you tactfully say 'butt out'. For the sake of her grandchildren, I choose to be pro-active in my health care. I choose to find ways to be a better me. Medication does this for me. I am not ashamed of that.

Boy that was deep....not the blog I intended to just kind of came out. Purging. Sometimes it's refreshing.