CLICK HERE FOR THOUSANDS OF FREE BLOGGER TEMPLATES »

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

New Blog

Ok a private blog is in the works. Contact me at tryingtosurvive101@gmail.com if you are interested in an invite. (spammers beware, this e-mail exists for this purpose only, don't bother)

If I don't already know you as an online friend or blogging buddy, please tell me a bit about yourself and why you are interested in reading my blog.

If I know you personally, as in you live near me, don't be offended if your request is not accepted. My blog is very personal, and I will not have my words and feelings used against me to hurt my family or myself. I know that sounds paranoid, but if you live here you also know what a nosey ass community this is and it's hard to know who to trust. Yes I realize some asshole could make up a fake identity, but I am also smart enough to track your IP address....just so you know.

I have been burned once and my family hurt, I will not take the chance of that happening again. I need to know my blog is a safe place for me to fall, to write and vent and express myself, and my community of 'web friends', who faithfully follow this blog have been there for me more than most of you who know me in real life. I don't fault anyone for that, I am not the same person I used to be, I understand that. I am sick. I will get well. But I may never be the person you knew. Maybe you can accept that, maybe not. But it is what it is.

I will still blog here occasionally as well.

Unsteady and Unsure

Thank you all so much for all the support and response upon the return of my blog. I am still unsure what to do. How do you write about life when you can only write about a fraction of it. I think the best solution will be to create a private blog. I suppose I could post an e-mail address for ya'll to contact me so I can send you an invite and only invite the people that I trust. But truth be told, there are few local friends and readers (and there were only a small few) that I don't know if I can trust. Someone who found it and figured out who I was (Or they already knew about it) told my family. This whole fiasco has made me a paranoid freak about my writing...and my writing was my breath. As dramatic as this sounds a tiny part of me has died over this. I hate hurting people more than anything, and then to be choked of my one saving grace has doubled the agony.

My therapist says I should keep this blog, write whatever the hell I want in it and if people don't like it they just shouldn't read it. (Ok her wording was a little more crass and blunt, but she was adamant that I keep writing here) Which of course made me feel a bit justified in expressing myself in a mostly anonymous manner, but the family feels it's not fair for me to write about them. I did try to explain that none of my regular readers even KNOW this family so what does it matter?

And I want to address one issue that has bothered me since this whole thing started. During this drama my husband was informed that I wrote things about him in my blog. It was implied to him that I was writing things about him that were unfair or unkind. Can I just say for the record my husband has been invited, welcomed, and even begged to read this thing. I left the address in the address bar at all times, hoping just once he might take the time to read my blog and perhaps get to know me in ways he doesn't currently know me. That just one time he might show a glimmer of interest.... He had no interest. He couldn't be bothered. He didn't care. And truthfully that hurt a little bit....no, a lot. He never has shown any interest in my writing. And he knew this was a personal blog. I explained in detail what this blog was, what I was writing, and why I was writing it. In the year that I spilled my guts on here, he never once even glanced at it. But suddenly I was the enemy for a few moments when he was informed that I had written about him. I was very quick to remind him that it has ALWAYS BEEN HERE FOR HIM TO READ....he just never gave a shit. Only when someone made him feeel like he should be upset about it.

So that is my rant. And I am disobeying the rules by writing this, but I do feel like I should be allowed to defend myself regarding that matter. Hubby seems fine with it now, or at least resigned to it, I told him if he was worried about what I wrote about him he should sit down and READ this blog word for word...he still didn't bother. So he has lost his vote in the matter and he knows it. I won't lie and pretend that even after all this that the fact that he doesn't care to read a single word of it hurts me. And now I have destroyed so much of it in my manic panic that I may just start elsewhere. A clean page. I can remember days when I still used a pen and a blank piece of paper seemed like an ocean of possibilities. Maybe a new blog will best.

If I do that I will post an e-mail address for ya'll to contact me, and start a new private blog. I want to keep this one open in case someone new stumbles upon it that could benefit from what little I have left of my bi-polar journey. They can contact me to be invited to the new blog.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

I'm Back...??? Maybe

Well the wounds of the family fall out are healing, but I am still at odds with myself about keeping this blog. It is almost impossible for a creative person to censor themselves, especially a mentally ill one who desperately needs an outlet for emotional release.

Unfortunately I destroyed many months worth of entries is an frantic panic attack after the initial smackdown, which I deeply regret. My journey into bipolar disorder was very important to me and now it has been destroyed. Which unfortunately, irrational decisions such as those are classic bipolar behaviors. I felt like I had to make it all disappear to please others. I have been very sick over the issue and have unfortunately had to spend a lot of the holidays desperately trying to appear OK. I am still not ok. I am sure the people I hurt are still not ok either. I struggle with the fear that I ruined the holidays for everyone. It seems I ruin a lot of things anymore....perhaps I have ruined things all my life and am only just now aware of them. Perhaps am a destructive tornado who is too blunt and honest for her own good. Free with my thoughts and feelings, in this anonymous floating space....who was I kidding. Nobody on the planet is ever anonymous forever.

Now I feel naked and scared. I don't feel I have a safe place to write anymore. A private blog makes sense, but then again the people who stumbled upon my writings that could relate were the exact people I was 'talking' to. And you, my faithful readers as well. I don't know what to do yet. But I know that I cannot NOT write....it will be the death of me.

My MIL insists that it's fine that I keep my blog, she even bought be a new computer for Christmas because ours tanked...I am just not to write about my family anymore....thus the censorship. Which since I am no longer as anonymous as I thought, every word I write is going to be scrutinized and up for interpretation. Which is a dangerous thing to do to a writer, especially one struggling with mental illness. Some words are just words.....some feelings just are what they are, and they are temporary. Some thoughts are flashes of light that dim as quickly as they arrived....writers don't hold these things back. It's who I am. It's apparently an unfortunate part of my personality. At least to those who can never understand.

I don't know what will happen, but I thought I would check in, I have gotten some worried messages from some of you and I just want you to know I am alive and ok. Or at least as ok as I can be right now.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Last Entry

I have been trying to delete all my posts, but as there are over 300 it's going to take me a very long time, so I will just leave this up long enough for my regular readers to see be made aware that this blog is going to be deleted in a few days. I feel like my heart is being ripped out, this blog was my safe place to express myself. I feel like I am burning a diary.

It seems my anonymous outlet for writing about my feelings is no longer anonymous. I know that I shared this address with a few of my close friends and some family on my Dad's side. Apparently I am anonymous no more and have to say goodbye. My husband's family is now reading my blog. I have hurt people by expressing my feelings and I fear the only hope I have of repairing any damage I have done is by silencing myself. I will still try to keep up with everyone's blogs. You, my readers, have brought me a lot of joy and comfort in the last year. Thank you for that.

I will miss you all. I don't know how I can possibly find a way to express myself the same way again.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Shannon

Send me a new link, I can't get into your blog....I tried to e-mail you a long time ago but just realized it was a 'no-reply' addy... :0)~

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Grey

Tonight I feel like I have lost something that wasn't mine to loose. There is a song floating in my brain that is fitting and it needs to be shared. This is one of those cryptic blogs that only I will understand, but you know me, sometimes I just do that....something I couldn't have, shouldn't have and have wanted for years....love that is impossible, lives that are complicated, responsibilities that clutter the path of life like construction signs and detours. Of course it's Ani who is fitting for my mood tonight

the sky is grey
the sand is grey
and the ocean is grey

and i feel right at home
in this stunning monochrome
alone in my way

i smoke and i drink
and every time i blink
i have a tiny dream

but as bad as i am
i'm proud of the fact
that i'm worse than i seem

what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want and still i want more
maybe some tiny shiny key
will wash up on the shore

you walk through my walls
like a ghost on tv
you penetrate me

and my little pink heart
is on its little brown raft
floating out to sea

and what can i say
but i'm wired this way
and you're wired to me

and what can i do
but wallow in you
unintentionally
what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want and still i want more
maybe some tiny shiny key
will wash up on the shore

regretfully
i guess i've only got three
simple things to say:
why me?
why this now?
why this way?

with overtones ringing
and undertows pulling away
under a sky that is grey
on sand that is grey
by an ocean that's grey

what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want
and still i want more
maybe some tiny shiny key
will wash up on the shore

Bye Bye Betty Bop

One of the toughest chicks I know died yesterday after a long tooth and nail fight with brain cancer. She had 11 siblings and is an aunt to several of my friends. That woman had a lot of fight in her and I am sad that she is gone. Betty was one of those gals that could take care of herself, she was widowed in her 20's and never remarried. It was humilating for her to have to be taken care of and I am sure she is at peace now after struggling so long to fight her caregivers and loved ones about her independance. Betty was one of those people who you could never really crack the shell on. Nobody truly knew Betty. Even her own siblings didn't know her home phone number if she didn't want them to. She didn't need help 'from nobody' and she planned to keep it that way. She had spunk and fire and I adored her. I will miss her.

Rest in peace Betty Bop, you will be missed by more people than you can even imagine!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Clean Bill of Health in Never Never Land

The comments from my last entry regarding going back to school are weighing on me. Perhaps I am fooling myself. Perhaps dealing with this beast of an illness is going to consume more of my life than I choose to believe that it will.

There will never be a 'clean bill of health' for my disorder. This will be with me forever. And will I forever be unqualified for any respectable job worth getting a degree for because of my mental stability. Yeah yeah I know all about my civil rights, but we also know it's a bunch of bullshit, if someone doesn't want to hire you they will find a way.

Perhaps I should just chuck the whole idea and keep trying to plug along as a writer.......I don't know what to do. I feel like I am floating out there aimless. And Anonymous is probably right, I am not at ALL ready for a major life change like school. But being in the mixed manic state I have been in the last two days and the 'excited phone calls' from the used car dealer guidance rep, I got wrapped up in something that is a pipe dream for me.....

I don't want to grow up to be nothing....LOL Yes I know I am quite grown up, and I will never be nothing. I just wanted to be more.

The Seeds of Doubt

So I have been talking to a guidance counselor from a University that shall remain nameless. She pissed me off today. I told her I did not want to get an Elementary Ed degree as she was pushing me to get. Clearly I am not getting the job that I applied for or they would have called me by now, I am sad about that but they want a Bachelor's degree....obviously I don' t have one, so I want to follow my heart and get a degree in Psychology. I really think I could be of help to women like me. Kids like me. Hell people like me. I am a survivor. The skills I have and the mistakes I have made learning to be a survivor could be invaluable to someone and that is really where my heart is leaning.

She advises me against becoming a psychologist because of my disorder. She says suicide rates are high amongst bipolar therapists. "Check the stats" she says and then goes on with her used car salesmen spiel about Elementary Ed and about how it doesn't matter what your BA is in as long as you have one (which sounds like BS if you ask me :0) and if I wanted to do Psychology later I could. Well if I was going to go to the trouble of working towards a Master's in Psych, why wouldn't I start there to begin with???? Duh! I'd end up taking classes I hadn't fulfilled with my BA in order to get my MA......AAAAUUUGGGHHH But the biggest thing is telling me I can't do something! I am kind of like Ruth from Fried Green Tomatoes "Don't say neva to me!" That's the quickest way to get me to do it! (I had a reading teacher tell me I would never learn to read in 4th grade because I always acted up in her class.....I was bored in her class
~ended up in Advance Reading the next year~....and look at me now Mrs. Sterchi, not only can I read but I can write so ppptttthhhhh! :0) And to tell me it's because of my illness, because she has a son with BPD blah blah blah....no two people or diagnosis's are alike.....and I AM checking the stats....can't find any. None.

So please, by all means....someone show me some proof. And I dare ya to tell me I can't do this.....BPD or not! I hate people who plant seeds of doubt for their own gain. I am sure she gets commission money off of her 'sales'

Monday, September 22, 2008

Layers

As I have been going through this intense journey of self discovery, therapy and illness something very sad has occurred to me. Something that I think when I look back I intentionally did to myself. Some twisted form of protection. Layers upon layers of protection to be less attractive. To drive away unwanted (and perhaps even wanted) pursuers. Victims of sexual abuse often do this to themselves and it has occurred to me, and is becoming evidently clear that in 13 years, I let myself go from this :


To this:
In the attempts of protection. In some twisted way, even though he doesn't even exist in my life anymore, it would drive him away. Perhaps it's even a punishment. Punishing myself for things I am not at fault for, but at the time felt I was. This statement sounds horribly conceited but I think I felt if I were less attractive, none of this would have happened. I realize that is not a true statement, but as a kid that is how I felt. Now the question is what to do about it. I have let myself go from a 130 pound healthy looking girl to a well....let's just say I am quite fluffy and sporting more than my fair share of extra pounds, my weigh hasn't doubled, but in a few years if I keep going at the rate I am going...well..... I don't want to keep punishing my body for something it is not responsible for.......where to begin? My meds are making me gain weight too and that is making it even harder. Oddly enough they kill my appetite, but I gained 4 pounds in a week....although that could have been my monthly visitor (sorry TMI) anyway...I hate this about myself. I rarely even look in the mirror. I hate what I have become. And it doesn't help that baking is one of my favorite hobbies LOL!

But I feel as if there is some significance in figuring out what the cause is. Maybe at least I can get it stopped, because it seems that every year adds another 5-10 pounds. But my motivation to loose it is very low......lazy? Perhaps. Or perhaps still trying to protect myself........how do you shed the need to do that? I realize as we age our bodies go to hell anyway, and looks don't matter in the grand scheme of things, but when I look at myself in the mirror I often think "What have I done to myself?"

A smackin' good life...

I had a nightmare the other night...one that is still haunting me. It's one of those dreams that leave that nagging feeling as if there is some significant meaning hidden in it. I had a breakdown, needed to be hospitalized and the only people in my life who came to be with me were Bethany and Sgt. Volk. I am not sure what that means......maybe they are the only two I truly trust with my life and the darkside of my brain? Either way it was disturbing. I was glad they were there, but saddened to have no family there. Maybe they are my family....

So on a happy note....get your needles ready and your engines fired up! The orders are pouring in for the website!!! (see sidebar, I have added a link) In fact if they keep up like this I will be swamped. That is a good thing because I quit my job at the tavern for now. I can't handle the fast pace and the noise there anymore, since my depression in July it's like a part of my brain just can't handle all that hustle and bustle and screaming drunks LOL! So we need the money. I am excited. I forgot how much I loved to sew, I gave it up for the summer, but being back feels good. Although carpal tunnel syndrome is back with a vengance. I let the kids slap my hands when they fall asleep, they think that's funny. I hold my arms out and let them just slap the shit out of my hands until I can feel them again and go back to sewing! LOL! I'm setting a wonderful example ain't I?

Hope all my blogging buddies out there are doing well, I worry when I don't see new posts or worse yet when a blog has been deleted. You can always contact me via my stitching site, let me know you are ok. If you are reading this, you know who you are. I hope everything is ok sweetie!! I see you have deleted your blog :0( I am worried about you. How are the meds working?

Saturday, September 20, 2008

More Bags...Need Opinions!



Ok still hoping to get some feedback here. I have made a few more bags. To give you an idea of dimensions the Olde Crow Bag is 7 x 10", while the Peace bag measures 5.5 x 7". The Merry Christmas and Blessings to You and Yours bags are both about 11 x 6''. What do you think? Am I wasting my time? Will people buy these things????

Yes, I realize there are no handles on the Friends are Forever bag...I was in a hurry to post pics, I'll get to it.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Would you buy this?? NEED FEEDBACK!

This is my new idea for my stitchery website....would you buy these? I am thinking of selling them for $10, and it's a gift that lasts because the 'gift bag' can be reused for decoration or as a useful item.

I need feedback folks, tell me the truth would ya!!! I have several styles, colors and phrases planned out, many that are not necessarily strictly holiday related. Would you buy this for you wife, mother, daughter, grandmama, friend, or other lady in your life? And is $10 a fair price. Larger bags may cost more. Some have full square bottoms, those may cost a bit more too, just because they are extra work. SPEAK UP PLEASE!

Hungry Hypo Hippo

Well it's definately full on hypomania time in this house. I have been laying in bed since 4 a.m. trying not to get up, knowing I need some rest. I have boundless energy and feel really great today...the problem is, now I know there is going to be a crash invovled....ugghh. When will it hit? Probably tomorrow when I work two jobs. I think tomorrow night will be my last night working at the tavern for a while. I can't handle it. I hate that too because it was my one night 'out'. Even though I was working I got to see all my friends....yes all my friends hang out in a tavern all weekend LOL...

I am getting ready to make my coffee for the morning, which I don't need but I know I will have a massive headache if I don't drink. Today will be a productive day if nothing else LOL! I could tell last night I was cycling into a shift. I think my menses are playing a big part. I have been mildly manic all week but today I am ready to conquer the world! But now that I know what I am dealing with I will resist my Joan of Arc impulse and just conquer the kitchen full of apples I have....

Yes MORE apples! When we went to the orchard yesterday I just couldn't resist buying one more peck I thought, well an Apple Crisp and some more Apple Butter would be good, of course there will be apple jelly from the juice of the butter! So....I will keep myself busy doing that during naptime. I am taking the kids to the park today, and to Wal-Mart. I have to find a sewing needle...

My needle broke on my sewing machine last night!!! AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!! Just when I was on a roll making these adorable little handbags that I am going to start selling. I had finally figured out how to make a square bottom bag (never one to read any directions or follow a pattern, I had to just figure it out myself LOL) and then clink the needle was gone. Damn it....

Going to go eat some more apple crisp....yumm...I am going to be as big as this house if I don't stop baking!

Impaling Palin

Can I just be completely un-liberated, anti-feminist, and chauvinistic for a moment? This thought has been bothering me about Sarah Palin. If you are such a wonderful mother, such a wonderful human being....why wouldn't you pass up the nomination for VP to take care of your 17 year old daughter, who is going to need your support and attention now more than any other time in her life? This is strictly my opinion but if my daughter were pregnant I would be completely focused on figuring out how to help and teach her how to be responsible for this child. As a candidate she is completely unavailable and unfocused on her family. As VP she would be the same. This bothers me. I understand ambition. I have plenty of my own. But if she was that awesome, the offer would have come around again sometime......wouldn't you think it would be better to focus on the problems you have in your own home?

I welcome a debate on this, what do ya'll think. I like her spunk, I disagree with her on almost every issue and I hate that she has flip flopped on so many things, but that's every politician. But this thought about her pregnant teenage daughter keeps popping in my head. Why would you abandon your family when they need you the most? Is power really that important? Even the thought at the chance of being the leader of the free world is not enough to make me toss my kids aside to further my career. Now think about this long and hard before you slam me. I am not saying she doesn't love her kids. But there is no way she is going to be around to help with that baby.....is Bristol going to be left to learn about parenting with a Nanny and her Dad? As a mother myself, helping with life changing milestones are some of the things I look forward to (and also dread) the most.......Just my opinion, but I think she has made a bad call for her family, a choice fueled by being power hungry.

Couches in Heaven

Going on filed trip to see some apple trees
To learn about the blossoms and the birds and the bees
Ain’t it just a fine time,
Finally get to go somewhere
Find out the elastic is shot in your underwear


Yes it was a Pre-K field trip today, and YES I was pulling my underwear up all day. I hadn’t noticed that they had apparently seen better days when I got dressed this morning. Ugghhh. So anyhoo apple picking and a “Mommy Date”, it was a great day. River and I went to McD’s where I tried to be as patient as I could as he slowly ate….one French fry at a time….dipping each bite in ketchup….checking to make sure each bit had the proper amount of ketchup….re-dipping if it didn’t. I eat like a NASCAR driver drives on the interstate, I just can’t help it. I think I am so used to eating on the run or scarfing down meals to tend to other things that I forget there are times when I can just relax and actually taste my food.

So River has been asking a lot about death lately. I was expecting this. We recently put autumn flowers on my Mother’s grave and he desperately wants to understand the concept. Where is she? Why is she not here? Why do we go to that place? (cemetery) I have been prepared for this and figured I would try to handle it as nonchalantly as I can. I tell her she is in heaven, she doesn’t live in this world anymore. I tell him the cemetery is just a place where we put pretty rocks up to remember them and we put flowers on it to keep the rocks pretty. I figure once we have to face an actual burial I will get into the rest of all that, but for now no way, he worries too much as it is. He asks the funniest questions about Mom and heaven:

Does she have legs?
Is it hard to walk there?
Do they have chairs?
Is she a little girl there?
Can she eat hot dogs?


I always try to answer in the best way I know how.

Yes she has legs just like me and you.
No it’s not hard to walk there.
Yes they have chairs, I bet they even have couches and rocking chairs and bean bags.
I bet she can be whatever she wants to be in heaven. If she wakes up one day and wants to be a little girl she can be.
I bet she can eat all the hot dogs she wants
.

His answer to all of these……."They have COUCHES there???!!!! That’s SUPER COOL MOM!"

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

The real couch session

I saw my therapist for the first time today (not to be confused with my shrink....few are privileged enough to need both but of course I've always been er, um, special) and I love her! She's awesome. Any chick who gets a tattoo to celebrate her 60th birthday is a rockin' chick in my book. We've been through many of the same experiences in our life and I can tell we see eye to eye on a lot of things. The only word that kept coming to mind after our session was 'smooth'....even the car seemed to drive smoother on the ride home. I felt so calm and purged. It was marvelous.

And she really has a couch! Two actually, a couch and a love seat...they are deliciously fluffy and the atmosphere is like that of a spa, not a stuffy doctor's office. I almost expected someone to come in and start working on my chicken feet and hooker knees while we chatted.

I can tell she is someone I am going to be able to be completely honest with. I need that in my life. And there are demons in me that need to be vomited out and kicked down the drain, even if I have to used a stick to do it....I think she can help me with that. I am very excited about working with her. Now my only problem is childcare for my sessions. Any volunteers??? It's becoming an issue between River having 'parent' activities at school and me seeing a shrink AND a therapist, AND working at the bank AND working at the tavern. I am wearing out my favors with the mother in law......I have to figure out some solutions. That is my current issue to obsess over at the moment.

Let the obsession begin.....

Back in Business

Well I am finally re-opening my stitchery website...maybe I'm nuts (arf arf I'm so funny...). I am anxious to see how much business I get this season. I was busier than a one armed paper hanger last Christmas.

If you see something you are interested in, get your orders in now! http://www.starklysimplestitches.com/

Well things are ok around here. Sew sew sewing. It's one of those hobbies that you forget how much you enjoy and how good you are at until you pick it up again. I haven't sewed for two months now, I took the summer off, and now I am really enjoying it again. It is a nice hobby to have for crazy folk like me :0)~ It's busy work. And repetitive. I am going to expand the business to include handbags, gift bags and curtains soon if I don't get that job I applied for. Or maybe even if I do....we'll just see how much time I have. I have already started on the gift bags, they will be holiday gift bags and then you can stuff the bag with some dried goodies or potpourri and you have a gift that lasts forever.

Ok gotta go sew......Sew Ya Later! Ha! Ha! I just crack myself the hell up!





Edited to add:


Someone asked to see the Wedding Dress project when it was finished, it has it's own page on my website, but I will post it here as well, the picture of the little pillows isn't very clear, but it's all I have...Bethany took the pics, blame her :0)~ (j/k B you know I love ya!) The lace trim was so delicate on this dress, I used it to 'frame' the piece. I believe the family was very pleased :0)

All of the women in the family (there are only daughters) and three granddaughters got a pillow made from the dress so that they each have a little piece of it for their own.You can go get your Kleenex now...I'm done.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Just Another Manic Monday

Well I must be having a manic spell because I am wide awake and it's waaaay past my bedtime. It could explain the home made chicken soup, rolls, apple butter, applesauce, apple jelly and 5 loads of laundry I have done in the last two days.........oh well, my mind feels ok. That's all that matters. I just have a little extra energy today.

Not really sure why I am blogging, boredom I suppose. I have nothing to say at all. Blah blah blah......maybe tomorrow I will find something brilliant to write about.

Better Day

Ok, maybe I was PMS'n a bit in my last post, but it was all true. I was just awfully growly huh?

Hubby and I had a good talk this evening. He took the time to read some literature I found him online. Things are better for now.

On a really good note I am still feeling like these meds are helping tremendously. I think I have found the right fit. I am still cycling, but it's becoming almost unnoticable to anyone but me.....Yay! Having a down day today, but after what happened last night I am not surprised. But to make me feel better I made more applebutter and tons and tons of apple jelly....YUMMO! This winter that is all going to be soooooo yummy!

If I hear one more time....

"Your meds must not be working"... I'm going to scream. How do I make him understand that this is not something I can snap my fingers and make go away...because believe you me if I could I FUCKING WOULD!!! How can I explain that this is not all about him, that every mood swing, every shift, every anxiety is not in some way related to some sort of anger or hatred towards him. We even had the 'dealing with this for the rest of our lives' conversation last night and I told him if he didn't think he could handle it he might as well pack up now, because I don't have any answers. I don't have any way to make it go away. I realize I am not the person he married. I get it. I hate it. More for my children than for him. He's a grown up. Why can't he act like one. Pick up a fucking book...see a therapist, search online...anything to be pro-active in this rather than make me feel like a fucking lunatic who needs a new pill every time I am in a bad mood, or 'too good of a mood'. I may never again be that same person I was 4 months ago, and especially not 4 years ago. But this is beyond my control. I have vowed to do everything I can to be pro-active in my health, better diet, exercise, education, therapy and medication. He has done nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. When this started he vowed to support me in whatever may come. This is not support....and it's not helping me mentally.

I don't cry. But I feel like crying today. I just might have to. Of course this morning there were "sorry's" all around, there always are, but I am so sick and fuck and tired of sorry I could puke the letters out into the toilet bowl and watch them scramble and swirl as they make their way down the pot......I'm done with sorry. I can only fix myself. If that means doing it by myself, so be it.

Edited to add that after I posted this I realized it sounded like I was throwing in the towel. Don't panic...I haven't packed up yet...I just meant that things are going to have to change or we are not going to be able to live under the same roof.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Cathartic Cooking

For me, there is something extremely relaxing about peeling, slicing, dicing, mixing, boiling, kneading, rolling, and creating food. It's much like writing or painting. You start with a blank canvas. Nothing. And with a few tools and some creativity you create a masterpiece.

Today it's chicken soup and home made yeast rolls for my Daddy. Sgt. Volk and I spent much of the day Friday picking guitar and singing and it made me miss my Dad. Our relationship is a fickle one, but he is a musician and all the singing and pickin' and grinnin' just made me long to see him. So I am loading up the boys and some good food to take to him. He is terminally ill with COPD and takes horrible care of himself. I gave up trying to fix him years ago, feeling like if he wanted to die in a tavern on a barstool then so be it....but today, and maybe just for today, I felt the urge to care for him. A healthy meal and a healthy dose of his grandbabies will do him good. Maybe make him happy enough to stay out of the bar for a day or two....although I've tried all my life to make him happy enough to stop doing that and it's never happened....I won't hold my breathe. But instead I am doing this for me. I need to see my Daddy. I'll take care of my needs and he can take care of his needs as he sees fit. I love him. There's a lot of reasons not to....but I do. And he loves me, this I do know, he just doesn't have many skills to show it.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Jada Appleseed

My neighbor, the rhubarb growing, bee keeping wine making neighbor has apples ready....apples galore. So today the boys and I went apple picking. We picked a 5 gallon bucket full, came home made a dozen of them into dumplings, and the rest into apple butter and applesauce. We had so much fun *ok mommy did* that we went back and picked another 5 gallon bucket full! I just finished washing them and am pooped....the only thing I hate about picking apples is washing them. If you've never seen what an apple, fresh off the tree looks like, especially out in the country, it's not what you'd expect. It's more like a black speckled, mildew looking ball. You have to scrub and scrub to the road dust, dirt and bug shit off of them...but underneath all of that is that shining yellow globe of golden heaven.

Although the cost saved, verses the labor put into it, probably doesn't really pay to do it, I love having fresh applesauce and apple butter in the freezer. It tastes so good and it's great to pull out for a quick snack or to serve guests who've never had it.

I think my husband thinks I am suffering from a manic spell today...perhaps he is right, but I sure as hell get a lot done that way! LOL!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

I don't presume to assume
That you care one bit
About my John Deere kitchen
Or the old tractors in it.
But just because I want to,
I'm going to show you,
My kitchen
It's Bitchin'!!



All of these tractors belonged to my husband as a child OR they belonged to his father. They are sacred items in our home and will be passed down to our boys. John Deere keeps food on our table and I thought it was fitting to display them in the exact place that I dish it up! Plus my husband thinks I rock for showing off his toys!

Idioms you Idiots!!

Idiom: an expression whose meanings cannot be inferred from the meanings of the words that make it up

Let's just examine this whole pig with lipstick bullshit....I am going to give you a list of idioms and put them into context of the Presidential Campaign....then I am going to give you the media reaction to said phrase...mostly because I am avoiding housework ..... and a nerd. Now before I start this let us get one thing straight. These are potential phrases....I support Barrack Obama, I don't care how freakin' hot Sarah Palin is....LOL!

A Dime A Dozen
Politicians like John McCain are a dime a dozen
Media response = Insult to McCain as a washed up political hag.

A Leopard Can't Change His Spots
Obama talks about change, but a leopard can't change his spots
Media response = McCain campaign referring to Obama as an animal and not a human being.

Son of a Gun
Joe Biden sure is one Son of Gun
Media response = Has the Democratic ticket changed their stance on Gun Control???? Scandal!!

Third times a charm
It seems the Republican Party thinks the Third time is the the Charm...maybe they will get it right this time.
Media Response = Obama campaign slams Bush and McCain in one fell swoop!!!

Smell Something Fishy
Sarah Palin appears to be the pitt bull of this campaign but something smells fishy
Media Response = Obama campaign slams Palin's personal hygiene (ok uncalled for but it was just screaming to be written...forgive me Lord, that was rude)

Pig In A Poke (means a deal that is made without first examining it.)
McCain sure is a pig in a poke over his VP choice
Media Response = Now Obama calls McCain a PIG too!!!

Don't Look A Gift Horse In The Mouth
The RNC couldn't look a gift horse in the mouth regarding the VP choice of Sarah Palin!
Media Response = RNC chairman calls Sarah Palin a Horse!!!

Cock and Bull Story
The media has created this cock and bull story about Sarah Palin passing off her infant son as her daughter's.
Media Response = Well we got the cock part right...she's knocked up! (Oh Lord I apologize again...sometimes I just can't resist)

All Bark And No Bite
Sarah Palin is all bark and no bite when it comes to environmental protection
Media Response= Obama campaign accuses Palin of barking at tree huggers....

Yes yes, these are jokes, I made them up, but geez people. Have we forgotten that millions of women in Africa are being gang raped everyday? Billions are starving. Soldiers are dying? Who gives a flying fuck if Obama used a common phrase like a pig in lipstick...a phrase by the way John McCain used himself last fall! I hate the media!

Depakote Day 2 1/2

Well I think the Depakote might be a much better fit for me.....but it's early. I said the same thing the last time in the first two days into the new drugs....it's kind of like dating. You get all oooey gooey over someone, think maybe this could be the ONE... then you realize all he ever does is talk about himself! LOL! I knew I would be going through this 'dating' process with the meds....it was the thing I dreaded most. I hope this one finally sticks.

I have tons and tons of opinions on politics lately but can't seem to find the time or gumption to write about them. Maybe today I will have time and be inspired. But can I just say that the whole 'lipstick on a pig' thing just cracks me the hell up. Get over yourself people. Sometime someone is going to say "Well that's the pot calling the kettle black" about Obama and it's gonna be "oooooooooh he/she's a racist! I can't believe they said that!" and we will be hearing about it for weeks....it's an expression folks. Get over it. I could list a ton of them that if taken out of context could be considered extremely offensive.....now that sounds fun, maybe I will do that today :0)~

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Home for Good

My buddy Sgt. Volk is finally home for good!!! She signed out at midnight and drove all night to get back to IL...took her about 13 hours I think. She is not officially out of the Army until Oct. 19, but she's never going back! LOL! (she's not AWOL, she's using leave)

She came over this evening and we went 4-wheeler riding around the countryside and through the woods. It felt so nice to enjoy the great weather, the beautiful scenery and having her home! We had a few adventures in the woods, but like true country girls we got through the logs and thick brush and of course ended up at the tavern for a cold beer. I tried one, it didn't make me feel to bad so I had another, but I mixed it with tomato juice to water it down (one of my favorite cocktails.....beer, juice, salt...)

Words can't describe how good it is to have her home. Now I just hope she can survive her homecoming. It irks her to no end to answer question after question about the war and the ARMY in general. It's to the point now that a few of us try to be her wing man and just say something along the lines of "The Soldier has no comment at this time!"....I am going to have a T-Shirt made that says "Ask me no questions" on the front and on the back it will say "I'll only tell you lies....." War has been hard on her, and it only makes it worse to have to listen to everyone else's two cents on it....leave her the fuck alone. She served her country, she didn't expect to go to war...but she did it, she survived it and now she just wants to move on with her life. That may prove to be hard for a while as she gets settled into civilian life. But she knows she always has me...she can just come to my house and not say a single word and I understand. I love her to death and am so glad she is home and safe! Welcome home darlin'!!!!

Violet Beauregard here....

Well today, so far is a good day. The only problem I have is that I haven't eaten yet today and I know that is a big no no, I am supposed to eat 3 meals a day blah blah blah....the thing is I am gaining weight! All these meds are probably a big part of it, but I am fat enough, sweet Jesus I am gonna have to be rolled out of the factory by the Umpa Lumpas soon if I'm not careful! At least I won't be blue...oh wait, if I'm depressed I guess I would be....LMAO I crack myself up! And if you have no idea what I am talking about go pick up a copy of the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory ...clearly there is something missing from your childhood...you were seriously deprived.



Now I know why they keep raggin' on Britney Spears and her 'baby bump'...she's not pregnant she's just trying to stay sane.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Take 5 of these and call me in the morning.....




More pills....out with the old and in with the new....getting rid of the Abilify and Lamictal. It apparently causes a reaction in me that is agonizing...ANXIETY...constant anxiety. Not the worry type anxiety, but the can't sit still, restless, need to run 10 miles but no way I'm dragging my fat ass out there to do it kind of anxiety. So back to a small smidge of Seroquel and a big helping of Depakote. Maybe this will do the trick. I am tired of ingesting a pharmacy everyday. This makes 5 a day not including ibuprofen and things!


No word on the job yet either, I'm thinking that's not good.....so it's back to looking into school.

Head Shrinker Day


Today is my second psych visit. I hope they straighten my meds out a bit better. I lowered my dosages on my own since they never called me back and that has seemed to help some, as well as excercise. We shall see what they have to say about me today

Memories of Pappy

I just had a very fond memory that I wanted to share. Any of my cousins reading this blog will chuckle with a tear in their eyes when they read it. I was drinking my morning coffee with too much sugar and too much cream, as usual. A habit I picked up from Pappy around the age of 6! LOL

Pappy used to drink a ton of coffee in the morning. He would get up at 4 a.m every day and Grandma would have the first pot loaded and ready for him to just push the button. Usually by the time I woke up he would be on pot #2. He always drank his coffee in a cup with a saucer...always had to the saucer. The reason being is because he actually drank the coffee from the saucer. As you know coffee is usually too hot to drink straight of the pot. Pappy would put in his sugar, cream and coffee (in that order) and then sit down to watch the news or the latest game show....then he would tip his cup and spill his coffee into his saucer, let it sit for a second and then drink it from the saucer. Now as a child this looked like a lot of fun, so I started getting up earlier and earlier at my visits to their house so I could drink coffee with Pappy. It's such a fond little memory I have of my hillbilly Grandpa....and hillbilly he was buddy! And bless my Grandma's ever lovin' heart she never ever complained about the mess he made at the table every morning with his little coffee quirk. But I do recall that she always had one of those cheap plastic table cloths on the table at all times....

As a wife and mother myself now...I get it....I understand the constant cheap table cloth.

I miss them dearly. If I could have 10 minutes back with them it would be wonderful. Especially my Grandma. As awful as it may sound to say out loud, I miss her more than my own mother. Not because my mother didn't love me, but mother was so ill that she was no longer herself at the end. But my Grandma loved me dearly. She taught me so much about love, life, perseverance and making do with what you had. She always made the best out of any situation thrown at her, and some were horrible, and she did it with a smile. They both grew up dirt poor, endured WW II when my Grandma didn't hear from Pappy for over two years, while she raised their 3 children...she never gave up hope that he was alive...endured his alcoholism when he returned from the war and went on to have 5 more kids. I can't imagine her life was easy at all....but she sure made it look that way. Her endless faith in God carried her through all her struggles. I try to remember that when I am struggling.

I love you Grandma and Pappy...if there's an internet in heaven and you learned to read well, I hope you can see this! :0)~

Monday, September 8, 2008

Blue Balled Bull

They must have moved our Bull's favorite cow. He stands every evening on the hill at the fence staring over at the pasture across the road. Sometimes he hollars for her and other time he just stands there quietly. He has other cows to 'dance' with here, but they must have stolen his best girl. She's probably already knocked up. It's funny to watch him.

If I am out there smoking on the porch, when I can sneak out, he stares at me as if to say "Those things are gonna kill ya lady!"....I want to ask him "Yeah, so will blue balls!" at least that's what teenage boys think! LMAO!

Sunday, September 7, 2008

A is for ass, as in pain in the ass.
N nothing seems to help
X is for exhausted
I want to be able to relax
Even my toes won't sit still
This has to stop sometime
Yup, I'm having issues......


I just can't seem to get rid of my anxiety in the last few days. My brain won't shut up. I don't know if it's because of the job, or family issues, or my fishin' buddy finally getting her butt home and out of the ARMY, money issues or what. It could be good anxiety or bad anxiety but it just won't go away!!! Even my 'downer' pills....I feel like a pill popper....don't even make a dent in it. I can take two Valium and I am still going 100mph. On the flip side I have been sewing like a mad woman and am going to be ready to reopen my website soon....and my house is clean. But my back hurts, my hands are sore and I still have that headache....but I just can't sit still. Not even right now...gotta go. It's almost 10 p.m. and I am going to go sew some more.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Plain Old Fashioned Country Girl Braggin'

Ok I just have to show you my flowers....the ones that were successful anyway. I got a little carried away this spring....remember I told you I am notorious for not following through on my big projects (now I have an excuse....BPD :0) but I do have some on my porch that are just gorgeous and I want to show them off. I am sure many of you could care less...but I can't help it, I am gonna show ya anyway! LOL!


These are my midnight Gladiolas aren't they just heavenly!!! These pics were all taken before dawn so they are a bit dark.


I can't remember what this is called but I love it. It's some kind of Maple.

Once again, I can't remember the name but I love it!


Same plant in it's full pot with coleus and vinca that I am trailing down the banister, with seed begonias in the bucket at the bottom...I started those from seed all by myself :0)

My Dahlia's in an old 10 gallon crock that was my granny's

My tuberous Begonias...not a great pic, the flash was too bright, but they are gorgeous

And finally....my baby....you know those weeping pussy willow trees ya'll are paying $100 for a the local nursery, those gorgeous weeping miniature trees that look fabulous in your front yard??? I paid $15 for this little sapling that I am growing myself...in 3 years I will have one of those trees too and all it took was $15 and some TLC!

Ok enough bragging for the day. I got to get ready for work at the bank today.

The Interview

*theme to Rocky playing in the background* Ok so I had the interview for the new job yesterday. I threw on some decent clothes after cleaning the kitchen and mopping the kitchen floor...nothing like a little sweat to go with your lip gloss...I figured it would give me that youthful glow....LMAO!

So on the drive there it occurs to me that I am not a bit nervous. Why? Because I have never interviewed for a job that I did not get. My confidence and personality can usually get me in the door to any place I have wanted to go so far.... So perhaps I walked into this a bit arrogant....or grandiose in BPD speak LOL! Well the interview went fabulous! However there are many more applicants, and many who have more education than me.....so I am not going to hold my breath. :0( But I told the interviewer (who I know quite well anyway) that I AM the person for this job, I am perfect for it , don't tell anyone I said this....ssssshhhhhhhh.... she kind of agreed!!! Yay! BUT IT'S NOT UP TO HER! It's actually going to be up to the state....so we shall see.

One very exciting aspect of the job, should I get it is that I will get to go away for a week....a WHOLE WEEK by myself, stay in a hotel, have my meals paid for, hotel paid for, and attend training seminars. It looks like it might be Chicago which would be fabulous! I've never been there. I plan on getting my country butt out to see the city! And I know this sounds nuts, but for me, getting to do it sans family is just a dream....I can do what I want, when I want, eat where I want, sleep when I want (well within reason of course) but just to be ALONE for a while sounds like heaven. She asked me "I know your kids are young, is this going to be a problem for you" it was all I could do not to say "HELL NO! Can I leave today?!" In reality I know I will have a hard time being away from the kids that much, I didn't last more than 2 days on our anniversary trip...... but to have some time to myself sounds like a dream! And I think it would do Daddy some good to see what it's really like to do the bulk of the work around here! Although I am sure he will just ask his Mommy to do it....

If they should decide they are going to consider me for the job I will get called for a second interview. Keep you fingers, toes, and nose hairs crossed! I want this job! I am perfect for this job, and it is perfect for ME!

Friday, September 5, 2008

My Babies!!!!!!

Here is a link to our recent photo shoot. I probably shouldn't broadcast this all over the world wide web, but it's already on the photographer's site so what's the harm right. Just know if you are some psycho stalker looking at my children the wrong way...we have guns and we ain't afraid to use 'em! LOL

http://www.photographicsgallery.net/p192735482/

Click the slide show and flip through the pics. My littlest one doesn't have as many photos because he was NOT into the whole idea of getting photographed but River was a HAM! These were all taken right here at our house.

For that matter how about the FLILF

I last wrote about Sarah Palin, but I would be derelict in my psuedolesbian duties if I left out Cindy McCain huh? Good Lord she is the ultimate Barbie doll...which actually makes me hate her :0)~ But she's hot.....I shouldn't have left her out in my last post.

It's like the Playboy Ticket. In fact I think that's what I am going to call it.

For the record Obama has my vote...even though his VP choice measures about a 2 on the hotness scale...Obama on the other hand...hmmmm....I have to say he measures about an 8, he's kind of a hottie don't ya think?

Oh the things I think to write about at 6 a.m......

Thursday, September 4, 2008

The VPILF

I read the funniest thing on a blog I discovered today....about Sarah Palin being bow chicka wow wow hot! This from a straight gal. I have to say I am in agreement. Good Lord that woman is fine....I'm supposed to hate her, I am a liberal to the core...LOL...but there's something about that hot librarian thing she's got going on. I just keep waiting for her to take the pin out of her hair, throw her glasses to the crowd and start stripping around the pole that would miraculously ascend from the stage of the RNC.....

Can't you just see it now....I am hearing the tunes of "Hot for Teacher" in the background....Can't you just picture it?

Check out this blog it's funny as hell! Sweetened Taters

That's Right! I am the MAN!!!

Not to be confused with I am a man because that would be an entirely different blog, requiring a whole other cabinet full of medicine...but anyhoo....

I was be bopping around the kitchen, trying to relieve some anxiety. I am anxious about the possibility of a new job and I think I am made more anxious by a scheduled increase in my meds. So I am cooking. Cooking is cathartic for me....especially baking pies...and let's face it, eating them might as well be tranquilizer in a bottle so tonight it's rhubarb. It's just as easy to make two as it is to make one so I made two, one for my neighbor, who unknowingly rescued me from a dinner disaster!

I was planning ahead, thinking spaghetti would be quick and easy and I could use it for lunch tomorrow and supper Saturday night when Daddy has the kids and I am working at the tavern....hamburger made, water boiling, ready to go....no pasta sauce...what's a girl to do? I scour the cupboards. Tomato soup, homemade juice and stewed tomatoes is all I've got! Hmmmmmm...what the hell we'll give it a whirl...so with the help of my neighbor's recent gift of fresh dried oregano and basil, two cans of soup, 1/2 a quart of juice, a can of stewed tomatoes, a little onion powder, garlic powder, salt pepper, and sugar I made some damn fine pasta sauce!!!! The kids LOVED it......Yes folks, I am the Man!!!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Redneck Beauty Spa

Well I just enjoyed a long luxurious hot bath...alone. That is rare. Usually I have two little yahoos splashing me and blowing bubbles in my face. I have the house to myself for about 45 minutes and took advantage of it by soaking in the tub.

I don't have a radio in my bathroom and had been listening to my iPod Shuffle....I thought of an ingenious way to keep listening to it while I soaked in the tub....I clipped it, and the cords...in my hair!!! LMAO Talk about Redneck Engineering! By God, if there's a will there's a way! It was awesome, I listened to tunes while I scrubbed away my hooker knees and rooster feet, shaved my legs and just sat...and sang. I love to sing. Alone anyway.

I just had to pass that along....it was quite a sight...but hey the relaxed result was well worth the ridiculous rigging!

Ok former 80's teens

Tell me the truth girls...with your frosted jeans and big bangs....secretly we all wanted to be Jesse's Girl didn't we? Hot boyfriend, whose best friend has the hots for us.

And fellas....you know you wanted to be Jesse, making all the guys jealous with the babe on your arm!!!

The kids and I were dancing around the kitchen to this song earlier (with obligatory air guitar of course...and some towel swinging for grand effect) and I was having childhood flashbacks. God I love that song...even now! LOL! Funny how a simple song can change the whole day.

Holy Crap Batman!

What the hell did I write about on August 23rd? There were 300 hits to this website in ONE day! Whoo Hoo I'm gettin' famous! LOL! I ususally only have about 30-50 hits a day!

Random Musings from The Pastoral Princess

I was sitting outside this morning on my porch drinking coffee and smoking my one cigarette of the day with a slight tummy ache. This led to several humorous random thoughts that I thought my readers might enjoy.

Don't you hate it when you have this awful gas pain, and then you finally feel like you can fart and all that pain resulted in one teeeeeeny weeeeeny little toot?

Don't you hate it when you are so groggy in the morning that you don't get the coffee filter in the pot right and then you get little coffee grounds in your cup?

Don't you hate when those coffee grounds get stuck in your teeth because you are so desperate for the caffeine that you drank it anyway?

Don't you hate it when you find out in the morning, as your husband is making his lunch that you left the mayonnaise out overnight?

Don't you hate when your husband won't talk to you over something as stupid and spoiled mayo?

Don't you hate it when you have to get your kids out of bed for school....when you'd much rather stay in bed yourself?

Don't you love it when your kids throw their arms around you and bury their little heads in your neck?

Don't you hate it when you realize there is snot running down your shirt from the adorable little snuggle?

Don't you love it when your husband does the dishes?

Don't you hate it when this accomplishment requires 3 days worth of praise and recognition?

Don't you hate it when your toddler is in your lap and says "I farted!" only to realize that said 'fart' is running out the diaper onto your jeans?

Don't you love finding little gifts in the carpet from repeated 'farting' episodes?

My favorite gripe is hearing my husband brag about my writing, which should make me feel good.....he's never read a single word I have written except notes to him.

My favorite joy is when someone else tells me they love my writing....who faithfully checks in everyday.

Don't you hate it when the phone rings and the person on the other end says "Could I please speak to Jeeeda....or Joda.... or whatever your name is pronounced completely wrong? This always results in a CLICK!

Don't you hate it when you donate to the State Police after 911 and they've called you every f'n day for the last 7 years for more money....even when you tell them to stop?

Isn't it odd how some flowers that are absolutely beautiful smell like a bad fart?

How can something as wonderful as fresh cooked bacon make such a stink in your house for a week?

Is there really anything tastier than a fresh garden tomato with a bit of salt?

Why do they call a driveway a 'driveway' and not a parkway? Why do they call a parkway a 'parkway' and not a driveway?

Doesn't it drive you nuts when people say "I could care less" when they really should be saying "I couldn't care less" if they are trying say they don't really care?

Don't you hate people like me who are a stickler for grammar? :0)~

Isn't it odd that for someone with a stickler for grammar I still say ya'll, ain't, cain't, mater, tater, over the shoulder boulder holder, and 'that's neater than a skeeter's peter!"?

Have a great day folks! I am going to sew sew sew today!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Sweet Relief!!!

River came bee boppin' off the bus telling me all about the 'Hot Dog' song and how he colored an apple and sat with Allison on the ride home on the bus......I called his teacher a bit ago and she said that he didn't fuss for long. Yay!!!!!!!! I feel so much better.

Bad Day gone Worse

It went horribly...they had to pry River off of me kicking and screaming as I bolted out the door....I am currently drowning my sorrows in Little Debbie Star Crunch Snacks....I feel awful.

Hard Day....

I am getting my baby ready for pre-school this morning....Whaaaaaaa!!! Do I have to do this? I am trying to be 'super excited' and not show my feelings because he is very sensitive. I don't want to plant any extra anxiety in his head. But inside I am crying.

I am going to go make him a special treat for breakfast, Toaster Strudel. I usually steer clear of 'junk food' breakfast, but I figured today we could celebrate his special day with something gooey and covered in icing!

Monday, September 1, 2008

Manic Musings

I am feeling quite 'energetic' ie hypomanic this evening and all the windows have been washed and floors scrubbed so I am just hanging out at the computer trying to occupy my mind. I was putting tunes on my iPod and came across and old song that I love. Of course it seems at least once a week I am posting song lyrics, but I can't help it. Music is poetry in motion and it can move me to places in my mind and soul that affect me deeply.

The song "Best of You" by the Foo Fighters was a song that I could relate to so strongly when it first came out. Not because I felt like I was hanging onto a relationship with bare knuckles as the song suggests...but because I think every lover I have ever had has felt this way about me. Perhaps even some of my friends and loved ones. I am always pulling away....always drifting...and those that love me always seem to be hoping I don't drift away from them completely. So many things in my life have caused me to build a wall and always wait for another bomb to drop. If things get too good...I am wary...I was especially like this as a child. But as I get older it's better. I see that only I can create my destiny. But this song sums me up....I would venture to guess my husband feels this way about me. And maybe rightly so....

I've got another confession to make
I'm your fool
Everyone's got their chains to break
Holdin' you
Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have
But had no useI was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can't choose
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you mustConfess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?


Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh...
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

I've got another confession my friend
I'm no fool
I'm getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new
Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?Oh...

Perhaps it's someone...Perhaps it's something...but I'm always a step away, a step ahead or a step behind. Sometimes I wonder if I have some emotional defect that prevents me from walking side by side with anyone.

100 Things About Me

Check out the link in my sidebar for an interesting little (ok HUGE) list of facts about me. I saw this on http://www.crazytracy.com/ and couldn't resist trying it myself. It took me 30 days to come up with all of these! You'd think being a half crazed, one armed paper hanger, bad habit, card carrying member Mania Mafia could have made this a lot faster! :0)~

If you're interested there it is. I may do an A-Z one too....that might take 30 days or 30 minute, who the hell knows!

Strange Summer

For the first time in all the years that I have been a farm wife, I am putting sweet corn up for the winter...in SEPTEMBER! Late August is the latest I can every remember doing that and that was usually what we call 'soup corn'...the corn that is more mature and tough, the last of the crop out of the garden that isn't as sweet or tasty as the early crop. I just cut off and put up 15 quarts of corn and it occurred to me as I wrote 9-1-08 on the bags that I had never had to date them for September before! Everyone is in the same boat this year, just now canning tomatoes and putting up the rest of their garden bounty. The Flood we suffered this spring set crops back significantly. In fact in my last post I have a pic of my boys harvesting wheat in July. That is usually done in early to mid-June. It's been a strange summer indeed. (In more ways than one LOL!) But we have had a much cooler summer this year than I can ever remember, that is a blessing!

Well River starts pre-K tomorrow and mom and dad are having a hard time with the though of our little man going to school. It seems like only yesterday he was a chubby bundle of joy at my breast. Now he is a smart mouth know it all 4 year old...oh did I just say that out loud? LOL I meant he is a bright, energetic, and strong willed 4 year old! Tomorrow is going to be a hard day. Pray for me!

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Little Boys with BIG TOYS....


If you look closely in this pic you will see my sons riding shotgun to cut wheat as their Uncle Roscoe (no not his real name, but the name he answers to) drives the combine. They were just in hog heaven! Obviously the date on the camera is waaaaaay off, it was my MIL's camera, but this was taken in early July. They had so much fun, and I just love this pic so much I had to share it (I've actually been meaning to post it for quite some time, but kept forgetting...imagine that!)! It's moments like these that make me happy to be raising my kids in the country!

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Ok maybe Goddess was too strong of a word......

My freaking arms are killing ME! Geez Louise...how do people use a weed eater every week? Granted I had more than just your average weeds around the house to contend with....I practically weeded the whole farm like any certified manic chick would do...but Good God I am in PAIN today!!!!

On a totally different note...I applied for a job. I sent my resume in for a job opening locally as a Parent Educator. It's only 27 hours a week, but would pan out to be a little more pay than I am making now at home and I could make my own hours. So if I were to the job, it is my hope that I could just work three 9 hour days T, W, TH and then have M, F home with my boys. I am excited, I have no idea if I will get the job or not, but it's a job I have wanted for quite a while. My oldest son participated in a program through this organization due to a speech delay and he loved having his 'teacher' come out every other week! That is what my job would consist of, visiting families on a regular basis for children who are at risk for developmental delays and working with parents to better their skills in dealing with the child's needs...among other duties. Keep your fingers crossed for me. This may be my way out of doing home day care while not having to totally give up my SAHM status. Yes I will be away from them 3 days a week, but lately that doesn't seem like such a bad thing. If that makes me a bad Mama so be it.....

Another big bonus is that it will get my foot in the door with this organization so that perhaps I can get a full time job with them at some point. In addition they offer tuition reimbursement for employees who want to further their education...HELLO....it might be a while before I qualify for all that, but this is an organization I could see myself making a career out of. If I get the job. I am not exactly what they were hoping for, it is my understanding that they are hoping for someone with a Bachelor's degree. But I have a many years experience in the Early Childhood Development field, and I have certification to be a Child Care Director for any facilities in Illinois an I have served in those positions before, so I have many years of experience behind me...if not the actual education. In my opinion experience often outweighs textbook learning ten times over!

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Friday, August 29, 2008

Hail to the Domestic Goddess of Words and Weeds

No no not that kind of weed...LOL! I did something today that my husband would have squawked and had a fit over! I used the weed eater! He has been working very late each night because they are short handed where he works and the yard work just wasn't getting done. Well he and I kind of have this arrangement...it goes like this, I am not allowed to do the yard work, which I bitch and moan about, but secretly am glad I don't have to do it. Just like he thinks he is not allowed to do laundry or dishes, but unbeknownst to him I would would be thrilled if he traded in his lawn mower for dishpan hands!

We are having family pictures taken tonight and I decided to have the photographer come here to our house so we could have pics taken outside and on our porch. We have two ponds and lots of acreage so there are many many places to stage photos for the kids. However the weed situation was getting out of control! Sooooooo I took my little country butt out to the garage and found the weed eater. I read the instructions on how to start it...and then re-read them. And then I fired her up and off we went....shredding the life out of the cocky weeds who had taken over my yard!!! I felt like Superwoman...

Yes I live a sheltered life.

I am happy to report that not only did I NOT injure myself or anyone else...but that I did a pretty damn good job too! The place looks great. But can I just say my hands shook for like 2 hours from all the vibration (you'd think I'd be used to that *wink wink*) and my forearms are killing me!!! I used muscles I didn't know I had!

The Other Life...on the Dream Side

The meds I am taking seem to produce very vivid and realistic dreams everynight. Some of them are funny, some are strange. Some are even sexy. I could write some odd little collection of short stories based on my intoxicated dreams lately.

Last night was a doozy. I can't really tell you about it. You'll just have to use your imagination. It involved sex...and not with my husband...hey I can't control my dreams right? But I woke up this morning still reeling from the consequences of the dream....pregnancy. I thought for about 10 seconds after I woke up that I really was pregnant and didn't know how I was going to tell my husband. Then I chuckled at myself. I think if you looked up Drama Queen in the dictionary I would at least be the 4th definition.

Good Morning Folks! How was your dream life last night?

Thursday, August 28, 2008

A little ditty

I could grumble about my husband
But I won't
I could tell you I feel chipper
But I don't

I could say to you,
How do you do?
I could act like I care
When you say "Oh I'm fair"

I could write about Obama,
And my fondness for his wife
I could bitch about conservatives
But I couldn't care less tonight.

I could growl about my health
And the hand that I've been dealt
But I know there's those far worse
And my piddly problems just make them curse.

I could write a little ditty
About travelling to the city
Esacping my life
A terrible wife.

I could write you a song
I could sing all night long,
Of the giggles and grins
Of my beautiful children

But instead
I am off to bed
Too tired to grumble
Or muble
Just stumble.
Too tired to write
Though I'm feeling contrite
Too tired to sing
Too tired for anything.
But thanks for stopping by,
Next time I will try
To actually care
If you are only doing fair.

Let it Die

I am sure that I am way behind the times in my discovery of the song “Let it Die” by the Foo Fighters. (Give me a break, I'm stuck with Barney and Laurie Berkner everyday) I felt compelled to blog about it. WOW! I wonder how long he held that in before he had to put a pen to paper to scream his sentiments to Kurt Cobain. I can sympathize.

As a member of the Nirvana generation, I can honestly say that his death affected me profoundly, especially the manner of his death. This man, this voice, who spoke my thoughts and sang my truths….this man who represented every nonconformity that blossomed out of my rebel soul….threw it all away by chewing the wrong end off of a shot gun. Much like Janis Joplin and Jim Morrison before him, here was a man with a message, a vision, a pied piper to millions of young people begging for guidance and desperate for reassurance that we were not alone in our isolation and pain. Confused and rejected, abused and neglected…Nirvana was our megaphone. The album Nevermind is probably top on my list of life changing musical discoveries. And I discovered it before it was cool, before it had radio or MTV play. Some of my punk rock comrades had discovered the band through the underground network and we all began sharing bootleg copies of several of the songs on their upcoming album, including Smells Like Teen Spirit…to this day that song makes me feel young and anxious. I wish I still had a copy of the original, unpolished, un-produced version...it was absolutely amazing.

Dave Grohl clearly was blindsided by the death of his friend and band mate. The lyrics speak for themselves when he says “Why’d you have to go and let it die?”, repeated over and over as if he is trying to say them enough times to reach the afterlife and let Kurt hear them and ponder them. And his anger at having his dreams dashed by this one stupid moment... “Did you ever think of me? You’re so considerate. Did you ever think of me? Oh, you’re so considerate!” Not to mention the reference to Kurt’s blushing bride, Courtney Love.

Oddly enough upon a google search, Grohl claims this song is not about Kurt……Bullshit.

Good News Good News Good News!!!!

He woke up!! He woke up at 5:30 this morning! He doesn't remember anything, and they still don't have a lot of answers, but the most important thing at this point is that he is awake!!! I firmly believe in the power of prayer and we did a lot of it last night!

River, my 4 year old, has the Catholic meal prayer committed to memory...so that is the prayer he recited last night to pray for Curtis. Then he asked his Daddy how Curtis was going to hear the prayer...Daddy explained that God would hear the prayer and take care of Curtis....then River asked Daddy a very important question about God...."What is he wearing?" That was a question Daddy didn't have an answer for.....

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Many Prayers Needed!!!

I just got a horrible phone call. My best friend Beth's younger brother had a massive siezure last night and is currently in a coma. He is only 17 years old. He has been unresponsive for the last 24 hours and when he does come too for a few moments he doesn't recognize the family and at times has been very combative. They have run test after test and have no idea yet what could possibly be wrong. A possible infection in the lining of his brain has been discussed, but this family is absolutely terrified. Please please please if you are the praying sort send up some prayers for them. I am at a loss for words...

If you follow her blog this is Bethany from Journey of a 20 Something Country Gal

The Blind leading The Blind?

So...if the idea of going back to school to finish my BA, at the least, is still on the table....is it odd that I am leaning towards Psychology, given my recent issues? I have considered such a degree for years, but now I am wondering if I would be setting myself up for trouble if I dedicate myself to a career dealing with other people's mental health. There is a huge part of me that feels my own life experience, especially now, but including my childhood that can lend an empathetic understanding to people I would be working with. I would eventually like to earn my Master's and continue on as a therapist....but what happens when I am having a hard time myself. It would not be good to be listening to a suicidal patient while I am in the throes of depression myself....I can see the headlines now "Therapist and Patient throw themselves off local bridge...." That would not be good....and yes I am poking fun at a serious topic...but it's a logical scenario right? I mean even with the best meds and therapy in the world I am going to have ups and downs... and what happens on those days when I have to face someone who is struggling and I am struggling too? How does that work? We go to the local pub and get smashed and hope tomorrow is a better day for both of us???

My other option is an English degree. Obviously writing is my passion, literature is too. However, around here, out in the boonies, the best I can hope for is to be an English teacher at the local Jr. College...more likely a high school teacher. And everyone hates their English teacher LOL! Everyone except me of course! It was my favorite class. I actually enjoyed writing term papers! I made some good money in Jr. College writing term papers for other students :0)~ Always the saint... but see then I just spent the money on beer and weed. A smart girl would have socked it away to help pay for another 2 years of school. I wasn't the brightest or most ambitious of gals back then....give me a live band and a dime bag and I was happy for the night! What I wouldn't give to redo a lot of those years.

So that is the dilemma of the moment....anybody got any brilliant ideas?

The Little Engine that Couldn't?

I am starting to doubt myself for the first time in a long time. I am usually the ballsy, take on the world, I can conquer anything kind of chick. But I am starting to have serious doubts about my ability to handle going back to school, while trying to hold down enough jobs to pay the bills, and manage my illness at the same time......I want that degree like a fat girl wants cake!! And trust me on that, I am a fat girl! :0)

But what if I can't do it? I can't put my family into that kind of debt simply to fail. I am notorious for starting big projects or having big plans and ideas that I abandon once they are no longer exciting or stimulating. (what we now know is a common symptom of my illness) And let's face it, school isn't always going to be exciting or stimulating. In fact it's going to down right SUCK sometimes. But I WANT THAT DEGREE......I was deciding on Psychology or English....now I am just trying to decide whether I even have the balls to try. What has happened to me?