Monday, September 22, 2008


As I have been going through this intense journey of self discovery, therapy and illness something very sad has occurred to me. Something that I think when I look back I intentionally did to myself. Some twisted form of protection. Layers upon layers of protection to be less attractive. To drive away unwanted (and perhaps even wanted) pursuers. Victims of sexual abuse often do this to themselves and it has occurred to me, and is becoming evidently clear that in 13 years, I let myself go from this :

To this:
In the attempts of protection. In some twisted way, even though he doesn't even exist in my life anymore, it would drive him away. Perhaps it's even a punishment. Punishing myself for things I am not at fault for, but at the time felt I was. This statement sounds horribly conceited but I think I felt if I were less attractive, none of this would have happened. I realize that is not a true statement, but as a kid that is how I felt. Now the question is what to do about it. I have let myself go from a 130 pound healthy looking girl to a well....let's just say I am quite fluffy and sporting more than my fair share of extra pounds, my weigh hasn't doubled, but in a few years if I keep going at the rate I am going...well..... I don't want to keep punishing my body for something it is not responsible for.......where to begin? My meds are making me gain weight too and that is making it even harder. Oddly enough they kill my appetite, but I gained 4 pounds in a week....although that could have been my monthly visitor (sorry TMI) anyway...I hate this about myself. I rarely even look in the mirror. I hate what I have become. And it doesn't help that baking is one of my favorite hobbies LOL!

But I feel as if there is some significance in figuring out what the cause is. Maybe at least I can get it stopped, because it seems that every year adds another 5-10 pounds. But my motivation to loose it is very low......lazy? Perhaps. Or perhaps still trying to protect do you shed the need to do that? I realize as we age our bodies go to hell anyway, and looks don't matter in the grand scheme of things, but when I look at myself in the mirror I often think "What have I done to myself?"


3rd... said...

I think you still look very pretty you know that..

But if you don't feel happy when you look in the mirror, you should definitely do your best to get to the root cause of the problem. Even if it may be realizing that you have a misperception about the way you look or what is ideal.

Shannon said...

I think you are GORGEOUS!!!!! I'm sorry, though, that you have endured such tragedy in your life... and yes, I do believe that we do hurt ourselves in an attempt to protect ourselves... I too have done things to hurt myself in an attempt to protect myself... from what? My past! I just don't want history to repeat itself, I guess.

My advice to you is to start exercising... easier said than done, I know... but I mean baby steps... Maybe a 10-15 minute walk everyday...something you can do with your kids..

Hang in there!

Mountain Woman said...

I so understand what you are saying. I did the same thing to myself too for the same reasons. I took control of it when I had the strength because I wanted to for me. I didn't really change my eating, I just exercised more doing activities I loved such as swimming.
As the pounds started to come off, I also got stronger and stronger and it was just so empowering.
I just feel for you because I know how difficult it is to have your past keep interfering in your present. It's never, ever an easy thing. But just remember you are beautiful and strong and courageous and your outside is beautiful as your inside. Don't disparage yourself.
If you would like to visit my blog, there is something there for you. I so admire you.

Liz said...

I think you are an amazing woman - beautiful inside and out. I agree - take baby steps and start working on it. Go to low fat coffee cream, or cut out real butter on your toast. Small changes like that can add up to like five pounds in a year.

Dee and Elijah Sue said...

I don't think I could say anything that these wise women have already said--you ARE a beautiful person, inside and out. You are soooooo talented, and FUNNY, and SMART.

Yes, we eat to insulate ourselves. Food=comfort in this household. I thought I was a cow when I weighed 150.....ahhhh, to weigh 150 again!

You are definitely on a path of change right now. You have a diagnosis for the rollercoaster ride you have been on; you are seeking therapy and getting the meds you need to find the "middle ground"; and going back to school--how exciting! (and of course you are right--don't listen to that stupid, stupid class advisor).

You have a TOWANDA spirit....GO FOR IT!

I believe in you, kiddo.