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Saturday, December 27, 2008

I'm Back...??? Maybe

Well the wounds of the family fall out are healing, but I am still at odds with myself about keeping this blog. It is almost impossible for a creative person to censor themselves, especially a mentally ill one who desperately needs an outlet for emotional release.

Unfortunately I destroyed many months worth of entries is an frantic panic attack after the initial smackdown, which I deeply regret. My journey into bipolar disorder was very important to me and now it has been destroyed. Which unfortunately, irrational decisions such as those are classic bipolar behaviors. I felt like I had to make it all disappear to please others. I have been very sick over the issue and have unfortunately had to spend a lot of the holidays desperately trying to appear OK. I am still not ok. I am sure the people I hurt are still not ok either. I struggle with the fear that I ruined the holidays for everyone. It seems I ruin a lot of things anymore....perhaps I have ruined things all my life and am only just now aware of them. Perhaps am a destructive tornado who is too blunt and honest for her own good. Free with my thoughts and feelings, in this anonymous floating space....who was I kidding. Nobody on the planet is ever anonymous forever.

Now I feel naked and scared. I don't feel I have a safe place to write anymore. A private blog makes sense, but then again the people who stumbled upon my writings that could relate were the exact people I was 'talking' to. And you, my faithful readers as well. I don't know what to do yet. But I know that I cannot NOT write....it will be the death of me.

My MIL insists that it's fine that I keep my blog, she even bought be a new computer for Christmas because ours tanked...I am just not to write about my family anymore....thus the censorship. Which since I am no longer as anonymous as I thought, every word I write is going to be scrutinized and up for interpretation. Which is a dangerous thing to do to a writer, especially one struggling with mental illness. Some words are just words.....some feelings just are what they are, and they are temporary. Some thoughts are flashes of light that dim as quickly as they arrived....writers don't hold these things back. It's who I am. It's apparently an unfortunate part of my personality. At least to those who can never understand.

I don't know what will happen, but I thought I would check in, I have gotten some worried messages from some of you and I just want you to know I am alive and ok. Or at least as ok as I can be right now.

6 comments:

Hidden Sage said...

Hmmm... tricky situation. So you either have a private blog and say all you want to say. Or a public blog where you limit what you want to say?

Isn't there a way where you can have some entries by private while the rest are public? I've seen that around on some blogs.

Dee and Elijah Sue said...

You know yourself well enough to know that writing is your outlet, no matter what your frame of mind is at the moment. It is the one thing that gives you joy, freedom, peace....

Write you must. Uncensored.

Bud did the exact same thing you did with year upon year of journals--destroyed them, never to have them back. He said it was like he had destroyed a part of himself.

Write babygirl. WRITE!!!!!!

We love you!

The Trouple House

Shannon said...

Call it a feeling, but I just happened to check back with you and HERE you ARE!!! I know EXACTLY how you feel about being too blunt! I'm afraid, I too, have hurt many people in my life by my honesty! But... guess what.. it hurts even more when you hold your feelings inside - it eats away at you - I know this, cuz I've tried! People who really matter will get over it... And if they don't - IMHO - they aren't important enough to worry yourself about! So glad to see you back... I think about you often!!

3rd... said...

A great surprise to see you back online..I was really worried since I had no way of contacting you, or even of asking you to invite me yo ur blog. If you choose to continue writing on a private blog please don't forget to send me an invite.. aight?

As to what you should do - hidden sage's idea might be a good idea. You could limit the rants that are related to relatives to the eyes of a trusted few.

Somehow I feel your family should be more supportive. This is an outlet for you, you are struggling, why do they bother with what you write I wonder? They should know you love them in the end.

Lizzie said...

I can relate. I have made a my share of messes. It is part of the condition. We have to remember we honestly don't mean to hurt others. It all gets caught up together and gets complicated. I have chosen to not give my family and friends my blog address. They know it is there but have respected my privacy. I am very grateful. Since they know it is there if they stumble upon something that sounds like it is them . . . well I am responsible but so are they. We are in this together. A good friend told me "Don't ever throw anything you write away." It is a part of you-it is you. Ask yourself "Where would I be if it were not for my writing?" There in lies your answer.

Anonymous said...

I was so distressed when you wrote about shutting down your blog and deleting your posts. I had so much to say to you because I'm so much older :)
You need an outlet, uncensored, where you can write to your heart's content your thoughts without any fear or concern.
You can't be told what to write or how to write because in the end, it won't help you deal with your struggles.
A gift with strings attached is not a gift, it is an anchor to drag you down.