Happy After All

It's turned out to be a good day after all. I found some happiness in my day. Happiness doesn't always last long right now, but for the moment I am content. I have special people in my life who always seem to make me smile. And my afternoon resulted in many smiles.

You, my readers are included in that! Thanks for the birthday wishes.

Just Another Day

It used to be...back in the good old days that birthdays in my home were sacred holidays. A day where the birthday gal/guy didn't have to do anything at all....eat what you want...sleep when you want...go where you want...it's your day. I always make such a big deal out of birthdays...so much so that sometimes my husband thinks I'm nuts! (ok yeah, yeah, yeah...no comments from the peanut gallery please!) Extravagant home cooked meals, fancy desserts, special trips etc...etc...etc...

Dare I say that being the spoiled little princess that I think I am...ok, not really, but whatever...I reserved just as much if not more entitlement to my own birthday! I am usually all about the birthday thing...milking it for everything it's worth!!! "But I just can't make the coffee this morning...it's my birthday, please can you do it for me..." *batting eyelashes like Scarlett O'Hara*.

Today is my birthday. I couldn't care less.

Tonight's musings

Unwelcome
Who gave you the right to waltz in here?
Sauntering in like a smooth criminal
In your black jacket and your patent leather shoes
Waving your cane around so arrogantly…
Demanding attention,
Disrupting the ball,
Announcing your arrival with boisterous glee.
Banging your stick and waving your fists...
Nothing will ever be as it used to be.

Swiping away the cobwebs,
Opening up old wounds,
Screaming in the silent voids of my mind.

A parasite getting comfy in my brain,
Robbing me of the security
Of being sane.

I want to kick and scream!
Shoo you away with a mighty sword…
But I am paralyzed.
Tied to my front row seat with chains of heredity.

I silently sit here watching you assault
the shell of who I used to be.

Back in Black...of moods

It's a bad day again. Not bad bad...just low. I woke up with a massive headache again, this seems to be happening with every low swing. It's a bit like a migraine, and in the same spot I get migraines, but it's not as intense. Maybe there is something defective in my brain....total pun intended. LOL!

I am reading more and more online about BPD. Trying to stay away from all the medical jargon because that will just scare the shit out of you. I am mostly just reading forums and blogs of people who suffer from it also. It is comforting to find others who feel the same way I do...and in some sick way it's comforting to see just how mild my symptoms seem to be in comparison. There are so many people out there who are suffering in ways that I can't imagine. Is it sick that there is comfort in knowing at least I am not like them? Maybe I am a bitch.

The word you will find amongst any of these communities and blogs is "Triggers"....this is an interesting discovery for me. I never put two and two together on this but there definitely are certain triggers that precipitate a depressive episode. Extreme stress being top on almost everyone's list, including mine. Toxic people (perhaps certain family members who shall remain nameless), certain movies, books etc....it is clear to me that The Heroin Diaries was a huge trigger for me. That probably sounds absurd to most normal people...but it is a fact. Revisiting those familiar places in my mind from my teenage years and young adulthood threw me for a loop and smacked me over the head like a sledge hammer.

I don't know what triggered today's low....I just woke up this way. Maybe there doesn't always have to be a trigger...I don't know. But I think I was fooling myself about not being a person who cycles often through the roller coaster of BPD....since this major episode anyway, I have been up and down quite frequently. I am anxious to hear when I will finally be able to meet with the shrink...it apparently takes weeks to get in...must be lots of us crazy folks 'round here ;0)

Back in Black

A new look for a new chapter in life....I just wasn't feeling the farm girl look right now. This seems to fit me better right now. Hope you like it! Sorry if you miss the cows :0) LOL Don't worry, we still have them!

Finally a Normal, Insanely Odd Blog

So is anyone else around here sick and tired of reading about me being sick and tired?

I am feeling pretty good today and trying to get things back to normal around here. I've cleaned house today and have generally felt normal. I have the house to myself for a few hours so I have been surfing for music online and came across an old song that I used to love. It's a Marilyn Manson song. And I thought what a perfect thing to blog about! LOL! It's time to start writing about all the crazy shit I usually write about. And hey, we've been teetering on the edge of insanity all week...who better to talk about than the big, bad, scary, and insane devil boy, Marilyn Manson?

Yeah, I am a fan. Shocked? Ok yeah, at this point not much would shock you about me right? Well let me tell you why I am a fan. Because he is honest. You don't have to like it, agree with it, or even be able to stomach it...but let me tell you, he is the voice of an entire community of young people in this country. People like me who grew up surrounded by nightmares, poor, independent punks, the quiet intellectual ones and even the pretty young things on the soccer team living in the perfect suburban neighborhoods. He writes about the raw, gutting emotions of adolescence. The pain and doubts in your mind as you struggle with your screwed up life, wondering if you will ever escape. Those who are silently suffering from depression or other mental illness. Those of us with parents who weren't there, or incapable of parenting. Those of us with parents who tried to be the perfect parent or even just wanted to appear to be the perfect parents, but never once listened to angst in our hearts....So many kids grow up without any guidance at the crucial age of adolescence. I did. It created some pretty screwed up thoughts and doubts in my life as a teen. When I was 17 or 18, along came this artist who was just shockingly brutal, blasphemous, scary and controversial....I loved it! (of course) The Alice Cooper of my generation!

Now my hick town is full of metal heads and rock and roll lover's...but this dude was NOT creating fans among the coutry boy metal heads I grew up with. He was a little too poetic and cryptic for them....they needed sex, drugs, and rock n' roll. I hid my Manson fetish and spent many nights listening all alone to this voice who spewed his hatred for society and organized religion in that seductively evil voice. Now let me be clear, I didn't always approve of or agree with the things Mr. Manson has proclaimed in his music or elsewhere....but I loved the fact that he had the balls to say it. Kind of like my love for Larry Flynt, he is one sick f'ker, but damn it I like him! I have the same love for Ted Nugent - who I disagree with on almost every political issue LOL! They just say what they're gonna say and don't give a shit what you have to say about it!

So anyway, back to my rebelious teenage angst...I fell in love with Manson's first album called Portrait of an American Family It represented the inner turmoil of every American child growing up in homes where they were abused, molested, neglected and ignored. The kids who were being bullyed in school and in society. The kids disillusioned with religion as the reality of adult hypocrasy started crashing down on them. Those kids who were outcasts. Then Anti Christ Superstar came out...boy did that cause some controversy! Of course, I loved it!

His lyrics aren't for the faint of heart...some of them are down right sick...but they ring true in the ears of the angry teen. They are empowering and you feel less alone as you realize that somebody gets it. Somebody gets it. Now that statement isn't going to make sense to those of you who enjoyed a beautiful childhood, and God Bless you. And I need to add mine was not all bad I have very fond memories of things in my childhood...but there are nightmares that overpower those memories more often than not. And I became one of these angry, confused teens....Marilyn Manson was my Jim Morrison....

He was my first ever rock concert. It was awesome. There were churches protesting outside the arena, it was insane. At the time I was in a very vacant place regarding my faith and what I believed. I grew up in a fanatically religious home, but of course I was never one who accepted the spoon fed doctrine, I asked too many questions and did too much of my own research (why believe something if you don't really know why), I questioned sacred scripture *gasp*. I was considered rebellious and blasphemous! Having a mother who was mentally unstable didn't help this matter at all of course. I didn't know what I believed anymore...

Ok, so back to the concert...the big stink about this show was that Manson had been ripping up a Bible during part of his performance. That doesn't go over too well in the Bible Belt. There were TV news crews everywhere! I had skipped class to go and I was just sure my English professor was going to see me on TV and would know I lied about a family emergency! (I know..that was just plain bad...) So I snuck in a side entrance...

The show was amazing, the energy was wild, the theatrics were more than Alice Cooper could have ever imagined and the crowd loved it! Yes, he tore up the Bible. Did I cry about it? No. Would I cry about it today if I saw it? No. At that time, and even now, I celebrate that fact that we are allowed such freedom of expression in our country. The fact that he could display his contempt for organized religion and it's man made rules, or that a citizen can burn his flag in protest of the horrible decisions our government has made at times....these are true freedoms. And feeling free enough to do them, with little care or thought of the opinion of others is an awesome thing to me. Maybe I am weird....

Would I ever tear up my Bible? No....it has brought me far too much comfort over the years. Would I care if you tear up yours? No...do what you gotta do...cause I've been in that place in my head and in my heart...and I think freedom of expression is a treasured liberty.

Whoa...you got a soap box full that time huh? And probably about a topic you could care less about! LOL....I guess I'm back!

P.S. I considered adding Manson tunes to my playlist here...but I didn't want to scare any readers away!!! Ha! I wonder where the hell that guy has gone anyway....he'll probably die young...The most brilliant ones always do.

P.S.S. * a few hours later * Ok I added one anyway, it's one you can surely tolerate, probably the most sedate song in his repertoire

Sins of The Father

My husband is starting to have a little break down of his own. It is no secret to my readers that he and I have not been on the most secure footing in the last several months. I might go so far as to say we were on the brink of disaster. It was easy for me to blame his anger and rage, lack of help, and general bad attitude for all of our problems....however we know there are always two sides to every story don't we? Clearly mine has been spilled out like a jug of wine all over freshly laid carpet.

He is fearing that his shitty attitude in the last several months has 'caused' this to happen to me. I have tried to explain that this would have happened regardless of who I was with, where I was or what I was doing. This is a chemical reaction in the brain. A ticking time bomb that just picked this particular time to explode. Did the extra stress in my life rush the explosion along? Perhaps...but it would have happened someday. I told him perhaps God allowed this to happen now, rather than a year from now when we might have destroyed our family and given up hope on each other....While it's horrible to be going through this, the one bright spot is that there is no denial now that we belong together.

He admits he has been less than wonderful in the last few months. Clearly I have to put myself in his shoes and wonder just how wonderful I myself have been also....I feel bad that he feels guilty over this. Has he been shitty? Yes....Did that make me sick? No. Can both of us recognizing our shortcomings repair this relationship? Absolutely. I think it already has.

I Am The Egg Shell

Suddenly I am the basket case that my family is afraid to disrupt.....let's face it, for a day or so it was nice to not be bothered with the kids fussing and squabbling, especially while I was lost in my darkness hiding under the covers. But I am feeling better today, and it seems that my husband is afraid to let me do anything remotely stressful. God Bless Him for that....but I am starting to feel like a newborn or something. I finally tried to gently tell him that I am not going to fall apart if the kids start screaming...I will not keel over and die...and I have to get back into the real world and live my life, sick or not. I am not going to hide out in my bedroom forever, although it's a tempting thought...but I am a mother first. I will find a way to take care of myself AND take care of them. I haven't had any anxiety attacks today and am starting to feel a little less gloomy. I have had a headache for the last 3 days that just won't go away though...I don't know if that is a residual affect of my brain exploding or what (yes, I jest)...and I did take a 3 1/2 hour nap with the kids...but I am feeling more like myself today.

I am still not keen on venturing out of the house yet. I would like to go to the church picnic tomorrow, but I just don't think I can. People expect the "Perky" girl, the sociable jabber box who has hugs and smiles for everyone...I am not that person right now. Perhaps I am an egg shell after all....

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Crazy Pants

I have some amazing friends. My support system is absolutely fabulous and I don't know where I would be or what kind of state I might be in if it weren't for those few people I can honestly admit to that "I'm freakin' out here!!!". I have two friends who I can just be bare bones honest with, because they've been there...and another friend who might not understand but loves me anyway! She came over yesterday and took over all Mommy duties and even did all my Wal-Mart/Grocery shopping for me. That was HUGE...the thought of having to step foot in such a public place right now just freaks me out. I still feel so fragile, and one wrong look or running in to all those people I know who I have to 'fake' it with is more than I can handle right now. In fact I am skipping our church picnic...the one I am on a committee for, the one I told you all about that is the biggest event of the year and that I sooooo enjoy. Yup, not going. Can't do it. The idea scares the shit out of me and I feel anxiety creeping up my throat everytime I consider trying to go. I kept thinking "Oh I'll be better by then....." Clearly this a journey, not a day trip.

I have started a mood journal to try and track my cycling moods. I am not sure if it's due to the recent 'freak out' or if I am truly developing a more noticeable manic/depressive pattern, but I am cycling more frequently than I thought. Hell maybe I have been this way for a long time and didn't notice.... Some of that may be due to the double dose of Cymbalta, which I found out from an RN friend that that is a horrible thing to do to a patient who might be bipolar. But hey my Doctor is a country doc from BFE....I can't fault him for just pulling an idea out of his ass...or can I? LOL! So I am going back to my regular dose and risking the lows that might come with it. The manic episode from yesterday morning was something straight out of an after school special for Methamphetamine!! Good God! I have some friends who have gotten messed up on that....I don't think I was a far cry from that kind of high for a few hours yesterday morning! It was awful! Fortunately for me, my manic episodes have never produced any crazy wild inappropriate behavior (ok, shut up girls...I can hear my girlfriends cackling right now about some of our 'Girl's Night's Out') I just have difficulty concentrating and staying on task and have an abundant amount of energy. Basically I am going 100 mph but I can't think straight long enough to put the energy to good use!!!

Here's hoping today is a good day....I am currently looking for some support forums online. I think that will help too. Ya'll have no idea how much it means to me that all of you out there in cyber land have been so supportive! It has made me feel free to share my struggle and document this journey to the fullest. I think writing about it helps me tremendously, and I am grateful to have made some wonderful friends here who are praying for me and looking in on me here. (((((((((Hugs))))))))))

Pharmaceutical Phreak Out

Drug induced mania....not for the faint of heart. My Dr.'s plan to double my depression meds to lift me out of the depressive state I was in is working...maybe too well. I am in full blown manic mode today. In fact there is so much energy I couldn't be creative if I tried. My mind won't shut the fuck up long enough to focus on anything for longer than a few minutes. I am going to try to sew later today, that is calming for me....if I can concentrate on it. I don't like this. I feel like I am on speed or something. I am making a call to the Dr to see if I can just go back to my regular dose. I don't know if two days of double dosing is sufficient enough to 'fix' the problem, but this is a bit too much to handle.

On a good note I have discussed my predicament with one of my daycare parents who has experience with this matter and works in the social services field. She assured me there is no reason to start worrying about closing my day care. She did inform me though that the small community we live in tends to have a lot of misconceptions about mental illness, and to be prepared for the backlash should I choose to reveal my struggles to people. Obviously I have done so here...but I think I will take her advice and not wave my 'Crazy Flag' too high on my flag pole around here for now. I always swore my struggles would not be some dirty little secret...but maybe for the sake of my family, for now, it needs to be. Although now that MIL knows....I am sure it won't be long before everyone knows. I hope I am wrong about that....