Monday, August 4, 2008

Back in Black...of moods

It's a bad day again. Not bad bad...just low. I woke up with a massive headache again, this seems to be happening with every low swing. It's a bit like a migraine, and in the same spot I get migraines, but it's not as intense. Maybe there is something defective in my pun intended. LOL!

I am reading more and more online about BPD. Trying to stay away from all the medical jargon because that will just scare the shit out of you. I am mostly just reading forums and blogs of people who suffer from it also. It is comforting to find others who feel the same way I do...and in some sick way it's comforting to see just how mild my symptoms seem to be in comparison. There are so many people out there who are suffering in ways that I can't imagine. Is it sick that there is comfort in knowing at least I am not like them? Maybe I am a bitch.

The word you will find amongst any of these communities and blogs is "Triggers"....this is an interesting discovery for me. I never put two and two together on this but there definitely are certain triggers that precipitate a depressive episode. Extreme stress being top on almost everyone's list, including mine. Toxic people (perhaps certain family members who shall remain nameless), certain movies, books is clear to me that The Heroin Diaries was a huge trigger for me. That probably sounds absurd to most normal people...but it is a fact. Revisiting those familiar places in my mind from my teenage years and young adulthood threw me for a loop and smacked me over the head like a sledge hammer.

I don't know what triggered today's low....I just woke up this way. Maybe there doesn't always have to be a trigger...I don't know. But I think I was fooling myself about not being a person who cycles often through the roller coaster of BPD....since this major episode anyway, I have been up and down quite frequently. I am anxious to hear when I will finally be able to meet with the apparently takes weeks to get in...must be lots of us crazy folks 'round here ;0)


Unknown said...

Toxic people are a strong trigger -- and often they're not even aware of what they're doing. I don't have any great advice: my strategy has been to shut people out and I live a relatively solitary life, but that doesn't work for everyone.

But if you're out researching, seriously look at anything on cognitive behavioral therapy. It works, there's tons of resources on the web, and it's free to do on your own.

-- cindy

Shannon said...

First of all, I like the new look of your blog. It is very dramatic, but it makes me sad, because I know that this is how you are feeling right now! Hang in there... things are sure to get better.... especially once you get in to see whomever it is you need to see for a clear diagnosis! Remember... you are in a cycle of grief as well as dealing with some pretty major stuff... that cycle will come around in time to acceptance.

3rd... said...

just wanted to let you know I read through all your posts - yours is the only blog in my reader that I read through every day..

hang in there, you are doing great as far as I am concerned. And after you writing about how low you feel i am totally amazed about all the positivity that drips from your posts.. you said that maybe its from God that you had to feel so low now, and that it might just have saved your marriage- while if it had happened a year from now you and your husband might have drifted too far apart by then...

Do you even realize how much positive thinking this shows?! You might feel manic, and depressed even, but I think through all of this in your writings you showed major stability and trust and hope .. make sure you recognize this