Tuesday, August 26, 2008

D Day

Well today is the day.....the day I go see Dr. Whatshisname with the M.D. behind it, in an office adorned with leather bound books regarding the latest and greatest theories in mental health. There of course will be a few tomes from Freud simply for the nostalgia factor... I am picturing the proverbial couch...I hope it's velvet in some rich dark color, but it's probably some lame, cheaply upholstered chair with wooden arms. Yes Yes I am being a drama queen...sue me. I am in a good mood at the moment. Or at least a good enough mood to make some attempt at humor.

I am a bit nervous about this appointment. I fear that I will be rushed through a list of questions like

"Are you suicidal?"
"Are you homicidal?"
"Do you still remember to brush your teeth everyday?"
"Well then you're not that bad off, keep taking your meds, suck it up, grow some balls and quit being a cry baby!"

Yes I realize it's not going to go like that....not exactly anyway. But I do fear that the fact that my extremes aren't that extreme (yet anyway) is going to classify me in some 'brush off' category. And I don't want a brush off. I am scared and freaked out by all this. I want a savior to swoop in and tell me everything is going to be alright, we can fix this, you will get better, you aren't loosing your mind.....and I know that expecting a savior is unrealistic as well. I guess I just really don't know what to expect. I am not looking forward to airing all my dirty laundry and coughing up all my sins and bad behavior that seem to put the pieces of my illness together like a puzzle, even from a civilian point of view like mine.

So it's D Day

Decisions Day...
Doubts Day...
Dismal Day?
Dedication Day?
Determined Day!
Disconnect Day?
Deactivate Day?
or perhaps simply Disturbed Day.....

My one hope is that my husband will listen and take some time to be educated about BPD. We may not survive this if he doesn't. Every mood and change in behavior he takes upon himself. The concept or idea that perhaps this is just occurring to me for no other reason than the fact that I have BPD is foreign to him. He has to find a reason, and he usually looks at himself for those reasons. He needs guidance too. I hope they give it, I hope he takes it.


Bethany said...

I hope you find the answers you are looking for. Good Luck and I love you!