Thursday, August 14, 2008

The Beast of Burden

Well somehow I went from feeling ten times better this week to being rapidly sucked back into the abyss of depression. I mentioned yesterday I was feeling melancholy. By the end of the day I was full on distressed. I guess I had what doctors describe as a mixed episode, which after paying attention to patterns of behavior and emotions that I have experienced in the past few months, is pretty common for me. By the time my daycare kids all went home my head was screaming so loudly, my migraine excuse really wasn't a lie at all. Every sound they made echoed in my ears 1000 times louder than it should have been and every squeal and scream sent my brain folding in itself. I managed to 'function' until my husband got home but then back into the dark dungeon of my bedroom I went. Hiding under the covers in silence, with a fan on to block out noise and a pillow over my head for good measure. Apparently I stayed this way for 3 hours, completely oblivious to the fact that my MIL (who is becoming much more informed and understanding about this by the way) came over and cleaned my house...took the kids home with her, and tried to calm my husband down. I don't think I really slept....dozed maybe....but I mostly just tried to calm the engines in my head, which seemed to think it was a good time for Daytona 500 to take place.

So on to the husband. He is more devastated now than he was two weeks ago. I think he thought I could just take my pills and be fine forever and we could go on about our merry *ha* way. I've tried to explain to him that this is something that I will be dealing with forever. There is no magic fix. Medication and therapy are going to be vital parts of keeping on top of this and staying healthy....but nothing 'cures' this. I wish he would read some of the literature I have bought in the last few weeks....but he hasn't bothered. It's easier to just blame doctors and my job and every other stressor in my life than to try to understand the nature of the beast.

If I can just get through these next two days with my rowdy school kids I will be ok. I know now it's the stress of their fighting and yelling at each other, the constant pestering, wrestling, noise and chaos that triggers that little thing in my brain to cry "Gentleman....start your engines!" and then some little bipolar demon waves the green flag and they're off......

We have an Olympic day planned today. We made medals yesterday and are planning events like and obstacle course, discus toss (frisbee), relay races, and shot put (big rock throw).....if I can keep that interesting and hold off the

"Hey that's not fair!"
"He cheated!"
"It was MY turn!"
"I quit, this isn't fair!"
"You didn't do it right!"
"He hit me!"
"He kicked me first!"

then maybe I will survive. I keep trying to tell myself....It's supposed to be fun! Think positive. If I assume the kids are going to be turd heads....they will.

Oh did I mention that on our way to Red Hill State Park the other day, the day we had soooooo much fun, that on the way there I had to stop the car twice to yell at the school kids who would not stop hitting and slapping in the back seat? Yeah.....I love my job. Two more days.