Saturday, August 2, 2008

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Crazy Pants

I have some amazing friends. My support system is absolutely fabulous and I don't know where I would be or what kind of state I might be in if it weren't for those few people I can honestly admit to that "I'm freakin' out here!!!". I have two friends who I can just be bare bones honest with, because they've been there...and another friend who might not understand but loves me anyway! She came over yesterday and took over all Mommy duties and even did all my Wal-Mart/Grocery shopping for me. That was HUGE...the thought of having to step foot in such a public place right now just freaks me out. I still feel so fragile, and one wrong look or running in to all those people I know who I have to 'fake' it with is more than I can handle right now. In fact I am skipping our church picnic...the one I am on a committee for, the one I told you all about that is the biggest event of the year and that I sooooo enjoy. Yup, not going. Can't do it. The idea scares the shit out of me and I feel anxiety creeping up my throat everytime I consider trying to go. I kept thinking "Oh I'll be better by then....." Clearly this a journey, not a day trip.

I have started a mood journal to try and track my cycling moods. I am not sure if it's due to the recent 'freak out' or if I am truly developing a more noticeable manic/depressive pattern, but I am cycling more frequently than I thought. Hell maybe I have been this way for a long time and didn't notice.... Some of that may be due to the double dose of Cymbalta, which I found out from an RN friend that that is a horrible thing to do to a patient who might be bipolar. But hey my Doctor is a country doc from BFE....I can't fault him for just pulling an idea out of his ass...or can I? LOL! So I am going back to my regular dose and risking the lows that might come with it. The manic episode from yesterday morning was something straight out of an after school special for Methamphetamine!! Good God! I have some friends who have gotten messed up on that....I don't think I was a far cry from that kind of high for a few hours yesterday morning! It was awful! Fortunately for me, my manic episodes have never produced any crazy wild inappropriate behavior (ok, shut up girls...I can hear my girlfriends cackling right now about some of our 'Girl's Night's Out') I just have difficulty concentrating and staying on task and have an abundant amount of energy. Basically I am going 100 mph but I can't think straight long enough to put the energy to good use!!!

Here's hoping today is a good day....I am currently looking for some support forums online. I think that will help too. Ya'll have no idea how much it means to me that all of you out there in cyber land have been so supportive! It has made me feel free to share my struggle and document this journey to the fullest. I think writing about it helps me tremendously, and I am grateful to have made some wonderful friends here who are praying for me and looking in on me here. (((((((((Hugs))))))))))