Clean Bill of Health in Never Never Land

The comments from my last entry regarding going back to school are weighing on me. Perhaps I am fooling myself. Perhaps dealing with this beast of an illness is going to consume more of my life than I choose to believe that it will.

There will never be a 'clean bill of health' for my disorder. This will be with me forever. And will I forever be unqualified for any respectable job worth getting a degree for because of my mental stability. Yeah yeah I know all about my civil rights, but we also know it's a bunch of bullshit, if someone doesn't want to hire you they will find a way.

Perhaps I should just chuck the whole idea and keep trying to plug along as a writer.......I don't know what to do. I feel like I am floating out there aimless. And Anonymous is probably right, I am not at ALL ready for a major life change like school. But being in the mixed manic state I have been in the last two days and the 'excited phone calls' from the used car dealer guidance rep, I got wrapped up in something that is a pipe dream for me.....

I don't want to grow up to be nothing....LOL Yes I know I am quite grown up, and I will never be nothing. I just wanted to be more.

The Seeds of Doubt

So I have been talking to a guidance counselor from a University that shall remain nameless. She pissed me off today. I told her I did not want to get an Elementary Ed degree as she was pushing me to get. Clearly I am not getting the job that I applied for or they would have called me by now, I am sad about that but they want a Bachelor's degree....obviously I don' t have one, so I want to follow my heart and get a degree in Psychology. I really think I could be of help to women like me. Kids like me. Hell people like me. I am a survivor. The skills I have and the mistakes I have made learning to be a survivor could be invaluable to someone and that is really where my heart is leaning.

She advises me against becoming a psychologist because of my disorder. She says suicide rates are high amongst bipolar therapists. "Check the stats" she says and then goes on with her used car salesmen spiel about Elementary Ed and about how it doesn't matter what your BA is in as long as you have one (which sounds like BS if you ask me :0) and if I wanted to do Psychology later I could. Well if I was going to go to the trouble of working towards a Master's in Psych, why wouldn't I start there to begin with???? Duh! I'd end up taking classes I hadn't fulfilled with my BA in order to get my MA......AAAAUUUGGGHHH But the biggest thing is telling me I can't do something! I am kind of like Ruth from Fried Green Tomatoes "Don't say neva to me!" That's the quickest way to get me to do it! (I had a reading teacher tell me I would never learn to read in 4th grade because I always acted up in her class.....I was bored in her class
~ended up in Advance Reading the next year~....and look at me now Mrs. Sterchi, not only can I read but I can write so ppptttthhhhh! :0) And to tell me it's because of my illness, because she has a son with BPD blah blah blah....no two people or diagnosis's are alike.....and I AM checking the stats....can't find any. None.

So please, by all means....someone show me some proof. And I dare ya to tell me I can't do this.....BPD or not! I hate people who plant seeds of doubt for their own gain. I am sure she gets commission money off of her 'sales'

A smackin' good life...

I had a nightmare the other night...one that is still haunting me. It's one of those dreams that leave that nagging feeling as if there is some significant meaning hidden in it. I had a breakdown, needed to be hospitalized and the only people in my life who came to be with me were Bethany and Sgt. Volk. I am not sure what that means......maybe they are the only two I truly trust with my life and the darkside of my brain? Either way it was disturbing. I was glad they were there, but saddened to have no family there. Maybe they are my family....

So on a happy note....get your needles ready and your engines fired up! The orders are pouring in for the website!!! (see sidebar, I have added a link) In fact if they keep up like this I will be swamped. That is a good thing because I quit my job at the tavern for now. I can't handle the fast pace and the noise there anymore, since my depression in July it's like a part of my brain just can't handle all that hustle and bustle and screaming drunks LOL! So we need the money. I am excited. I forgot how much I loved to sew, I gave it up for the summer, but being back feels good. Although carpal tunnel syndrome is back with a vengance. I let the kids slap my hands when they fall asleep, they think that's funny. I hold my arms out and let them just slap the shit out of my hands until I can feel them again and go back to sewing! LOL! I'm setting a wonderful example ain't I?

Hope all my blogging buddies out there are doing well, I worry when I don't see new posts or worse yet when a blog has been deleted. You can always contact me via my stitching site, let me know you are ok. If you are reading this, you know who you are. I hope everything is ok sweetie!! I see you have deleted your blog :0( I am worried about you. How are the meds working?

The Other Life...on the Dream Side

The meds I am taking seem to produce very vivid and realistic dreams everynight. Some of them are funny, some are strange. Some are even sexy. I could write some odd little collection of short stories based on my intoxicated dreams lately.

Last night was a doozy. I can't really tell you about it. You'll just have to use your imagination. It involved sex...and not with my husband...hey I can't control my dreams right? But I woke up this morning still reeling from the consequences of the dream....pregnancy. I thought for about 10 seconds after I woke up that I really was pregnant and didn't know how I was going to tell my husband. Then I chuckled at myself. I think if you looked up Drama Queen in the dictionary I would at least be the 4th definition.

Good Morning Folks! How was your dream life last night?

The Blind leading The Blind?

So...if the idea of going back to school to finish my BA, at the least, is still on the table....is it odd that I am leaning towards Psychology, given my recent issues? I have considered such a degree for years, but now I am wondering if I would be setting myself up for trouble if I dedicate myself to a career dealing with other people's mental health. There is a huge part of me that feels my own life experience, especially now, but including my childhood that can lend an empathetic understanding to people I would be working with. I would eventually like to earn my Master's and continue on as a therapist....but what happens when I am having a hard time myself. It would not be good to be listening to a suicidal patient while I am in the throes of depression myself....I can see the headlines now "Therapist and Patient throw themselves off local bridge...." That would not be good....and yes I am poking fun at a serious topic...but it's a logical scenario right? I mean even with the best meds and therapy in the world I am going to have ups and downs... and what happens on those days when I have to face someone who is struggling and I am struggling too? How does that work? We go to the local pub and get smashed and hope tomorrow is a better day for both of us???

My other option is an English degree. Obviously writing is my passion, literature is too. However, around here, out in the boonies, the best I can hope for is to be an English teacher at the local Jr. College...more likely a high school teacher. And everyone hates their English teacher LOL! Everyone except me of course! It was my favorite class. I actually enjoyed writing term papers! I made some good money in Jr. College writing term papers for other students :0)~ Always the saint... but see then I just spent the money on beer and weed. A smart girl would have socked it away to help pay for another 2 years of school. I wasn't the brightest or most ambitious of gals back then....give me a live band and a dime bag and I was happy for the night! What I wouldn't give to redo a lot of those years.

So that is the dilemma of the moment....anybody got any brilliant ideas?

The Road to Nowhere

I was jammin' on my iPod tonight while the boy were outside with Daddy and a song came on that just touched me. Ya'll know how that happens to me....music is a passion for me. Anyhoo I just had to share this song that filled me with hope and made me smile tonight. Most Ozzy Osborne fans have never really taken the lyrics to this song for their literal message, but it is a beautiful song of hope, and I think it is also meant to be a love song to his wife. Sharon Osborne took Ozzy's drug addicted, mentally ill, talented ass from rock bottom to the top of Rock and Roll history. In the process her father, Ozzy's former manager with Black Sabbath, disowned her and declared that the two of them would never amount to anything. They were on a road to nowhere.

Clearly Ozzy's road led him down a very distinguished, but rocky road. This song reflects his struggles with his childhood, the past he can't outrun, and yet look where he is now....It gave me hope. I can and will overcome the demons in my past. I will make something of myself and use my talent in some manner that is personally satisfying to me. Hell if he can do it, anybody can. Although it would help if I had a wife like Sharon Osborne....think they are into polygamy? :0)~ Anyhoo here's the song I wanted to share...on my way to add it to my playlist right now.

The Road to Nowhere
I was looking back on my life
And all the things Ive done to me
I'm still looking for the answers
I'm still searching for the key

The wreckage of my past keeps haunting me
It just wont leave me alone
I still find it all a mystery
Could it be a dream?
The road to nowhere leads to me

Through all the happiness and sorrow
I guess I'd do it all again
Live for today and not tomorrow
Its still the road that never ends

Ah ah
The road to nowhere's gonna pass me by
Ah ah
I hope we never have to say goodbye
I never want to live without you
© Ozzy Osborne

Heartsick and Happy

Well here's the cake in it's final glory....it has been hacked into and digested now...lovely thought huh? The 'wedding' was beautiful as my grandparents renewed their vows. The minister commented that when talking to them and their family he discovered the amazing fact that they have never been cross with one another or ever wanted to spend time away from each other. When he asked "How can this be....after 55 years together?"

Their answers were simple. Grandpa said that her happiness was all that ever mattered to him. She was the woman of his dreams. Grandma said that she never lacked for anything with him, she was always content. He made sure she was happy and taken care of, and in turn she did the same thing for him. 55 years of that. They cried through the whole ceremony and still looked like teenagers in love.

It made me proud and heartsick at the same time. Proud to be an honorary member of a family that was created out of so much love. Sick, that I may be destined to a life of anger and loneliness within my own marriage. Another weekend spent distant and fighting.....I can tell he is going to resist, but if we are going to make it, it's going to require professional help. I am looking into that today. He was all for it when he thought I might be giving up...but he's been mum on the subject since then. Sometimes I don't know if I have it in me to put forth the effort it's going to require. But my children are my life, and it's worth it for their sake, so I have to muster the strength somehow. And I know he loves me, he says I am his life and his world and he can't live without me...but somehow those words only appear at the most desperate of times. They were nowhere to be found when I was busting my ass cleaning house yesterday and trying to deal with the children while he sat on his butt for 12 hours watching TV. It was one of those nights that I found myself fantasizing about the frying pan and his head....LOL! Ok not really, but becoming a screaming raving lunatic sure loooked like a real possibility. I wish I had some magic answer....

The Diary of a Wedding Cake

Anybody want to volunteer to clean this up?????

Ok, fine...I'll do it! Or should I say I already did it cause I knew you slackers out there in blogland weren't gonna show up to help! Aaahhh... The cake is done...the above pic is the aftermath...uggghh...and I didn't even show you the floor!!!

Making cakes is therapeutic for me. I don't know why. It's kind of like having sex...it's hard work, but enjoyable...you get lost in the process and forget to eat or drink...you tune out distractions the best you can, crank up some music and just go for it! Yup...kind of like sex....or the kind of sex I had when I was young and lusty! LOL!

So anyhoo I thought perhaps some of ya'll might find it interesting to see the actual process. The cake I made today is a very simple understated cake, and I have made ones identical to this before so it wasn't really a challenge, but I still enjoyed it. Of course you start out with about 15 pounds of flour, sugar, buttermilk, shortening, and all those other heart disease causing ingredients to come up with this:

I personally prefer to trim all the 'crust' off because I don't think white cake with white frosting looks very elegant with that brown layer in between...but that's just me...I'm picky...Then you take some more shortening and sugar and make buttercream frosting that you coat your cakes with. This step was a near disaster as the top cake almost fell apart! You can see from the pic that a corner is about to fall off, cutting the crust off actually causes this to happen a lot,.... but have no fear....I am a professional! LOL! Or something like that...

Then comes the fondant. Being the perfectionist that I am, I refuse to make a cake people won't eat....and store bought fondant is horrible. It's the rubbery stuff you always peel off of a cake to get to the buttercream underneath. It is smooth and gorgeous, but the stuff in the box just tastes like shit...sorry but it does. So I make it from scratch. More tedious? Yes! Worth it? Yes! It starts out as a big glob of melted marshmallow goo:Then you mix it like bread dough with tons of powdered sugar until you get this:

Then you work fast, rolling it out like a thick pie crust to your desired shape then drape it gently over the butter cream...creating this:Smooth it out, trim it, and shine it up, then put the finishing touches on to create this:My refrigerator is full of fresh red and white flowers to top and accent this tomorrow, but for now this is what we have. I left out a few construction details, but that is the basics of cake making. It is a favorite hobby of mine. If I lived in a city where I could actually succeed as a baker...I would have my own little shop on the corner...then I would have an adjoining bookstore and coffee house...then my own publishing company where I could publish myself and other aspiring writers...and on and on until I owned the whole block. We'll call it "Lola's Leisure Lot"

But alas I am stuck out here in BFE where you really can't make a living being artsy fartsy...yes I could sell the occasional wedding cake, and I may do that when the boys are bigger, but I have bigger dreams than being known as the cake lady.

Goodbye City

A sense of loss
For something never mine
An emptyness somewhere
A longing that could never fulfill

Promises that were never made,
Scenes that were never played.

And yet....I miss.

Miss the idea of what could have been.
That which would have hurt,
Pain beyond compare,
Left my heart beyond repair,
Send my mind into despair,
I only did what I deemed fair.

Now you're gone.
Gone of my own choosing.
Gone from my grasp.
I quit before loosing.

I will always wonder what could have been....

Calgon Take Me Away

It's a padded room kind of day again today....my kids have been screaming at the top of their lungs today. Daddy is out of town and it's starting to take it's toll. I am supposed to go on a play date tonight, that I am sooooo looking forward to it, but thinking I'd rather throw my kids in bed at 7 pm with a double dose of Benadryl and soak in a long hot tub....oh did I just say that out loud? Sorry....

I am ready for school to start. 7 kids is clearly too much for me. Especially with no help at night this week...no break, no peace, no quiet....auuuggghhhh! I did have some quiet time as I drove to the hospital to see the Kochernut Mama last night..but other than that...ugggghhh....

Officially insane....what I wouldn't do to have my toes in the sand...drink in my hand...

The Great Debaters

I have decided that the only person I can truly help or make changes for is ME! I can't make anyone else change. And Lord knows I am needing to make a few changes. I have come to a big decision, that will include a journey I may have to travel alone. I am going to go back to school and finish my degree. The ultimate goal is a Master's in English, but the short term goal is a Bachelor's Degree.

Hubby has not been supportive of this desire for quite sometime, but I honestly think that the way things have been lately, he knows I am going to do it anyway so he might as well jump on the wagon or walk behind. I am going to do it, and am currently in the process of deciding if English is truly my passion. I am undecided. Something related to Human Services or Counseling would also be fitting for me. Child Psychology was another option. It's a lot to think about it. But I have regretted most of my adult life that I didn't finish my Bachelor's...all because I fell in love with a boy...dumbass (not hubby, different dumbass :0)

I need this for me. Not for income, not for extra retirement money, not for quality college options for the kids....for me. All of the rest will be an added bonus. But it's going to be a long haul with a partner who truly doesn't see any sense in it....I suppose he's happy with life and I just should be too. I DO NOT regret my choice to SAH with my kids....I would have done that regardless, these are years I'll never get back. But the constant knowledge that I am not living up to my potential drives me mad! And as much as I love him, it's hard to express your passion for writing and literature to someone who has absolutely no interest in such things. *Sigh*

Moonshine and Roses

My weekend is over and my heart is full. These are times I cherish in my heart as rare and pure moments of utter joy and freedom. When the girls can get together and kick off our shoes, dance in the river and just be free. Free of spirit. Free of burdens. Free of mind. Free of heart.

The weekend was spent juggling my regular jobs and mommyhood with making time to spend with friends, but it was worth the exhausted feeling I have tonight. Good friends, good music and good spirits, which included a little home made and hand delivered Tennessee moonshine....which is utterly disgusting by the way...:0)~

My girlfriend who is home from the ARMY is one of those people who makes my life so much happier when she is near. A kindred spirit, who I have worried about and prayed for as she fought in this bloody war in Iraq. Having her home, on the land where she was born and bred, the land she takes as much pride in as me, is like passing by a rose bush with one beautiful scented blossom, hanging in the sunshine, sharing it's life with all who see it. She is a rose in my life. And I love her. My heart is full.

Doubts or Denial and the Saga of Underachievement

So less than a week ago I was trying to Face the Music about the fact that maybe I am bipolar. Now I am second guessing my self. I don't know if it is an attempt to excuse away something I don't want to be a fact, or if I truly was over reacting to some of my recent behavior. I could chalk a lot of it up to stress, relationship problems, and a bad case of PMS! Maybe I am in denial, but I feel a lot better lately. I am still keeping my Dr. appointment, I refuse to ride that roller coaster of "Oh I'm not crazy everyone else is...." accompanied by "I feel like something is wrong" one day and "I feel fine" the next. I would suspect I just need some good old fashioned counselling!! But who has time to go see a shrink? I barely have time to shower!

Sometimes I think that a huge part of my problem is always feeling like I am not living up to my potential. A comment like that would upset my husband because he always takes it so personally, as if the life I have with him is not enough. But I try to explain to him that it has nothing to do with him. It has everything to do with the fact that I spent my youth wallowing in self destruction and running from nightmares, rather than focusing on my education and using my brain in a manner that is fitting for my particular talents. Even if I had an award winning career as an English Lit Professor at Harvard (ok, maybe I pushing it a bit :0) I still would have taken these years off to raise my kids, but perhaps I would have had outlets and opportunities to continue making money in a manner more fulfilling and less exhausting than the three-four jobs I am currently trying to juggle. Perhaps my disheveled appearance and unorganized home would be a quirky trait of my creativity to my mother in law, rather than an embarrassing character flaw. Perhaps my moodiness and manic bursts of creativity would actually be making me money rather than making me fear I am loosing my marbles.

I keep saying once the kids are older I am going to finish my education. My husband is not as supportive of this as I would like him to be, but I will do it with or without his support. I refuse to spend my life underachieving. I spent half my life doing it already. I want to change that. Somehow.

So anybody want to hire a half cocked, fully crazed, under educated, under achiever?

Happy Birthday Little Man!

So the reason for the season, or rather the vacation in this case...is because 4 years ago yesterday this little guy came into my life!

I rarely put my kids online, but who can deny this beautiful face? It's hard to believe it's been 4 years!!! He has gone from this adorable fat little Buddha Baby:


("Poster Child for Breast Milk!")


To a deep thinking, serious, sensitive, tractor loving farm boy! 4 years ago I went from a woman of independant mind and free spirit to woman bound by love and grounded by the trials of raising children. Oh how things change! And I wouldn't change it for the world!

Happy Birthday River!



And since I am already posting pics of one, here is the other guy little guy who just doubled the fun!
I love you too Gus!

My Life In Music

The house is quiet, hubby is out, the kids are asleep and I have been adding songs to my Playlist for my blog....it has put me in mellow mood, as always seems to happen when I have time to listen to meaningful music. Much like reading an emotionally powerful novel it takes my mind to a place that reflects on the past, the present, the future and all the events in my life related to or described by the lyrics and rhythms in the songs. My family is full of musicians, my father, brothers, uncles, nephews and cousins...guitar pickers, bluegrass lovers, rock and rollers and amazing songwriters are all in the mix. No family gathering ever occurs without guitars and a foot stomping celebration of our roots.

I had the urge tonight to post snippets of song lyrics that are the timeline of my life, but this blog would be 5 pages long. Then it occurred to me to just post the song titles. They are all on my playlist, anyone interested could just find the song and listen. However, this blog is really just for me. I don't expect anyone to be all that interested. I just have the need to purge this....there are no words of my own flowing from my brain tonight. No poetry. Nothing new...only things that have already been said. Only the words of these songs, stolen from others and applied to the realities of my life. Songs so significant in my life that many of them stop me in my tracks.

The first being Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd, which describes the descent of my mother's sanity and the feelings I have surrounding her loss. The song was written for Syd Barrett, the bands original singer and songwriter. His friends and bandmates watch him slip into the depths of mental illness at the beginning of their success....they have captured the feeling of loss so wonderfully. I want this song played at my funeral someday. "We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year" Those words seem to sum up my mother daughter experience. Even now that she is gone, I still feel that....year after year.

The second is For You by Stained. I hope that when I my sons are teenagers I have the sense to listen to this song and remember my own childhood. This song just embodies everything I felt as a teenager of a broken home, a victim of abuse, a lost child trying desperately to find a way out of the darkness that was my reality at the time.

The third is Not a Pretty Girl by Ani Difranco. This woman is such an amazing songwriter, every word she puts to paper touches me on some level, but this song is who I am. Once I found myself, became comfortable in my own skin, and decided to forge my own path in life, this is who I became. From the moment I first heard this song I felt like Ani had somehow reached into my soul and pulled out my inner feelings about who I am. Yes I am pretty, or pretty enough...but I don't care about being a "pretty" girl. I want to be the girl you remember because she said or wrote something that affected you in some way...not because she is attractive.

My feelings on politics, government and human rights? Blowing in the Wind by Bob Dylan. 40 years later this song still holds a powerful message that I wish every human on Earth could take to heart.

My family, my roots, my heritage - Leave This Long Haired Country Boy Alone by Charlie Daniels. These are my father's people. Hillbillies. Country Trash. River Rats. Guitar Pickers and Whiskey Drinkers. I love them fiercely.

The soundtrack of those family gatherings often included songs like The Ballad of Curtis Lowe by Lynyrd Skynyrd, Copperhead Road by Steve Earl and dozens of Johnny Cash, Waylon Jennings, Merle Haggard, George Jones and Willie Nelson songs.

My experience with aging - Outlaw Women by Hank Jr. These are my girls. One of a kind. Loud, rowdy, strong, independent and opinionated. Take it or leave it. We have gone from being girls to women, girlfriends to wives, and kids to mothers. There are a handful of us who are still a tight knit group and Hank says it all about who we are.

The memories of being young and free as a teenager...ok don't laugh....Good Ole Boys by Waylon Jennings. Yes it is the theme song to the Dukes of Hazard, but more than that to me, it describes life for the youth of my generation growing up in rural small town America. We got our kicks taking risks and evading the law. We never meant any harm, never created any violence or vandalism, we were just kids with nothing better to do but drink beer, race cars, get crazy and be young. Another song that is an accurate description for my generation of country boys and girls is Fortunate Son by CCR, once again a song that was written for our parents generation seems to hold true, even for my own children.

My life today Small Town by John Mellencamp. He says it all.....

All of these songs....feelings captured in the words written by phenomenal artists. Writers I could only dream of being comparable to. They speak to me in ways that Wordsworth and Lord Byron will never be able to do.

She's a Superfreak!

I've been hearing a lot about Adult ADD lately. I have long suspected that I have problems with this. So I looked up the disorder and took a quiz....Good Lord Almighty!! I am a classic case.

How often do you have trouble wrapping up the final details of a project, once the challenging parts have been done?

How often do you have difficulty getting things in order when you have to do a task that requires organization?

How often do you have problems remembering appointments or obligations?

How often do you fidget or squirm with your hands or your feet when you have to sit down for a long time?

How often do you feel overly active and compelled to do things, like you were driven by a motor?

I had to answer OFTEN and VERY OFTEN to every single one of these questions.....Holy Shit! It's official, I am a basket case!

The site went on to be sure and inform your doctor about other symptoms you may need treatment for such as anxiety and insomnia....well I already take drugs for all that!

I am often beating myself up for forgetting things, and I often get lost in conversations if there are long pauses. My husband is notorious for taking an hour to tell a story. He pauses in between sentences, like most good ole country boys....well 2 seconds of silence and I have already forgotten what we are talking about. I always attributed that to all the weed I smoked in college....:0)

On the other side of that coin, I often talk so fast sometimes I can literally see peoples wheels spinning inside their head trying to keep up with me. I often find myself apologizing for "blabbing on and on..." The fact that I don't talk to very many grown ups in a 24 hour period doesn't help that much either!

Oh and I am so disorganized it's not even funny. It drives my MIL nuts! When she came over to help with the babies after they were born, she would help with laundry...she would go through all of our dressers and organize the clothes. I never fold underwear...what's the point...I mean are a few wrinkles in your knickers really a cause for concern? I just toss them in the drawer. Well she would go through and fold all of our drawers of underwear...cracked me up! Anyway, all my paid bills are just tossed in a box, my tupperwear stuff is just thrown in a big drawer, my pots and pans are just tossed in the cabinet and there are piles of things here and there of things that need to be sorted out, like magazines and newspapers. I am just a scatterbrain. Maybe ADD is the reason after all. Either that or they have finally created an excuse for all of us dipshits to use to explain our erratic behavior. I think all I have accomplished is confirming that perhaps there this is a specific reason I am such a dingbat! :0)

I found this too:
Those with ADD also may have trouble with impulsiveness, self-monitoring (knowing when behavior is inappropriate), distractibility, sleeping too much or too little, and a short attention span. However, when interested in something they can stay highly, almost obsessively, focused, according to the ADDA.

Oh that is Me to a T! If I am interested in something, for instance all the FDLS hub-bub, which then led me to a fascination with polygamy, which has then led me to a fascination with survivalists etc....I just get stuck on something until something else interesting and exciting takes over. And I am a chronic underachiever. I made average grades in high school, but scored with the Valedictorian on ACT tests....my teachers always wrote this on my report cards "If Jada would stop talking and pay attention in class she would be much more successful in her studies..." LMAO!

I have always blamed my disorganization and oddness to being artistic...

But I think once again I have found a quiz that confirms it...I'm a freak

She's freaky and I like It!
Justin Timberlake

The Flood of 2008

The storms I wrote about in my last entry ended up producing 9 inches of rain about 15 miles north of us, causing an entire county to close all roads and homes to be sandbagged. Fields of freshly planted corn and beans now stand as lakes with waters as deep as 10 feet near the Embarras River. It is a frightening sight, one that has never been seen at this magnitude in history. The national news made a minor mention of the flooding in Indiana this morning, but not a word was spoken about Jasper County Illinois. Here is what we saw from the highway:

This family's home (above pics) is sandbagged, we saw them hauling much of their belongings out on car trailers last night, I didn't have my camera with me at the time. It was sad. Hopefully the waters won't rise any higher, or they may loose their home.

If you look closely in the pic above you can see a stop sign on the left. Follow the high line wires across the picture...this is a road, completely submerged in several feet of water. We estimated that out in the middle of the 'lake' we were only seeing the top half of high line poles...

I have blogged before about our favorite spot down by the river at the local park. Here it is. We normally play along the treeline beyond that pole lamp. It is more than halfway underwater. We were standing in the access road we use to walk there. In the top picture my boys and two of their friends are throwing rocks in the water....can you see the top of the blue trash can peeking out in the center right of the picture? My children were amazed that our special spot was now a lake!

Sadly this is not the worst of the flooding. These were areas that are accessible. There are hundreds of people completely shut off from any available roads, and there is a small town in Jasper County, Ste. Marie, that is completely cut off. There is no way to get into or out of there today. This is the worst recorded flooding on the history books. We are a farming community....this is completely devastating. These people need your prayers.

Phat Girls Unite

Ok, clearly I am not the only one wearing the fat suit....and Mum-me had a great question, do I still have my website? Well yes I do. It's been abandoned for 8 months, but the need for it has not gone away. I clearly need to learn to follow my own advice...easier said than done. But maybe together we can do it. My website The PHAT (Pretty Hot And Thick) Girls, was created as a motivation tool for many of us who decided to band together to get healthy. Skinny is not the goal...healthy is the goal, and learning to love ourselves as the fabulous women (and men) that we are. I have a section for anorexia as well, as I have a friend who suffers dearly from this disease, but she did not join. However if you have stumbled upon this blog and would like to join a group of people who are trying to learn to love themselves, just as we are, come on in. I have special sections just for you! The reasons we abuse our bodies are all the same, we just do it to the opposite extremes.



So here goes....and I will just apologize now for being a slacker extraordinaire...I may not be there everyday, but I will try!

UPDATE: If you tried the link earlier today it was dead...it is now up and running try this link
http://z3.invisionfree.com/The_Phat_Girls/index.php

You will have to create an account and send a request to join as it is private to weed out the trolls, but it's simple, fast and free. I suggest you start with the Daily Affirmations, that is where I am starting. I need some inspiration right now, and I know I could learn a lot from my own advice and thoughts back then....maybe together we can all create healthier versions of ourselves. Mentally and Physically. Feel free to pass the site along to your friends, it is open to everyone.

If you want to join the weekly weigh in you will have to send me a PM on the message board. This is a sensitive issue for many...having to admit - the number - so I have it password protected for serious members only!

Into the Wild

I have been meaning to blog about this movie for a few days and have never found the time. I had read about it on a few websites, and it has been an inspiration to someone I know. So much so in fact he began a cross country journey of his own. I had to see it!!

If you haven't seen the movie, I highly recommend it. It taps into the core of the human spirit and is a true story about a man who fed his wanderlust to the ultimate extreme. A young man whose ideals and visions for the human race were full of compassion, hospitality and solidarity...in addition to solitude. He had very little use for money, success or recognition. He believed that careers were a '20th century inventions' and that "The core of mans' spirit comes from new experiences". If you haven't seen the movie stop reading here because I might spoil it for you.

This man set off on a journey with no map, no money, no intended course....just the journey of life. To me that alone is an inspiration. Before I had a family I often dreamed of just hopping in my car and just going...drive to wherever end up anywhere. To sleep under a different sky every day until I had satisfied my lust for going. Obviously this little fantasy didn't figure in $4 gas prices LOL! Or how I would fund my journey even in the best of economies. But Chris didn't need money. He traveled by thumb and wisdom. Shed his former identity and named himself Alexander Supertramp. I find this idea not only just completely kick ass, but refreshing as well. Haven't we all wanted to be someone else, just for a while?

His travels eventually inspire him to take on the ultimate human challenge. Surviving Alaska, alone, in the wild with very little equipment to do so. In the end he didn't survive, but perhaps that was his destiny. Not a failure on the part of a fool, as some see it, but the destination of a modern day prophet. The final chapter in the inspiring story of Christopher McCandless.

Just like anything I find interest in, I have obsessively researched this story ever since I saw the last frame of the movie. In fact, I finished the movie at 11 p.m and found myself out here on the computer Googling until 12:30 a.m. The more I read the more my inspiration was dashed and clouded with anger at those who, I feel, misunderstood him. So many chalking this inspiring story up to nothing more than the psychotic downfall of an untreated schizophrenic. This led me to ponder these thoughts.

What if that theory is true? Schizophrenia. Does it diminish the inspiration? Does it change the face of Alexander Supertramp? Does it change this story from an epic journey of self discovery to one of insane wandering with a tragic ending? Not for me. Who is to say why one person's reality is not valid? My mother's illness taught me this one truth...it was real to her.

McCandless was and continues to be such an inspiration to people across the globe. I refuse to let the theory that he was simply insane take away from his genius theories about human life and love, or his spirit of adventure. Did Picasso's illness change his works of art to blobs on a canvas? Did Syd Barrett's journey to madness diminish his mark on the history of rock music? Does John Nash's insanity belittle his prestige as a Nobel Prize Winner?

No.

Regardless of the reason, Alexander Supertramp will forever be one of those people I hold in my soul as an inspiration and an example of how a human life should be lived.

"If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed."— Chris McCandless

The Fat Suit

Once again I find myself hating the image that reflects back at me in the mirror. It is a daily struggle, but it seems once or twice a year I really seem to see it. See it enough to want to do something about it. I have never been a small girl, but I haven't always been obese. I am now. After two children, the loss of my mother and the inevitable stress of daily life I have eaten my way to the Big "O"...and not the Big "O" us gals enjoy! LOL!

Since I have gotten so dark from being outside with my kids for 6+ hours a day I have a perfect outline of my 'fat suit'. That is exactly what it looks like to me. My legs have always been thin, perhaps even too thin, my arms are thin (ok not as thin as they used to be) and my face is...well sorta on the thinnish side. My 'thin' areas seem to grow a tiny bit each year...but when I look in the mirror these days there is this white outline of all the weight I carry in my belly and my butt. I hate it. I know many of you reading this right now see the same thing and you hate it too. It's amazing how quickly one glance in the mirror can ruin your day. And it's amazing how there are so many amazing women out there who secretly hate themselves simply for their outward appearance. And instead of loving our bodies and taking care of them...we further punish them by stuffing it with more calories and tricking ourselves into thinking it made us feel better.

I have vowed and vowed and vowed again...I even created a website once...I have been to Weight Watchers, I have joined the gym, I have lost 30 pounds more than once only to gain even more back again. For all my strength, stubbornness and sensibility, this is one place in my life that I completely let my weakness get the better of me. Just like an alcoholic. I do believe that food can be an addiction, and it is mine.

Once again I am going to try. Try to learn to love myself enough to take care of the body I have to lug around for the next 50 years, God willing. Try to find the strength. Try to find the willpower. Try to be healthy. Try to trade in the fat suit for a smaller size. I am not looking for thin. I will never be thin. But healthy would be a nice change.