Hello Again!!

Well it seems as if there is some renewed interest in this blog! I have received some e-mail request for my private blog and those invitations will be sent out this morning I promise. To some of my old readers who didn't follow me into my own private world I guess I should update you on me these days. As usually I am a mixed bag of drama...you know we can't ever have any fucking peace and quiet. My bipolar disorder is well under control finally, which is awesome! I have only had the lightest of swings, the highs which kick in my creativity even more and the lows that just make me a bit blah and bury my nose in a book.

The bad news is I have developed a bladder disease called Interstitial Cystitis...I let you wiki that cause it's too complicated to explain but it is very painful and has severely limited my mobility. It also severely limits my diet....SEVERELY. I have lost 80 pounds. Normally one would celebrate this (Yay! I secretly am - weighing less than I did when I got married just rocks in my book!) but my husband and doctors are not pleased. The weight came off rather rapidly in the beginning which caused it's own mixed bag of health problems. But I am making the effort now to maintain the weight I am at. Especially until surgery time which is August 10th. I need to be as healthy as I can for that. Ok boys cover your eyes cause it's girly stuff but I am having a hysterectomy, a TVI bladder implant and a bladder biopsy. Once we get the biopsy results we will know how to further proceed with bladder treatment. So far all treatments we have tried have only been mildly effective. Unfortunately some people never get relief from the pain....wonderful. Pain meds tend to increase my depressive side, so I try to avoid them. A heating pad works the best, but words ofo warning if you use a heating pad 24/7 (I know I know but you don't understand the PAIN) You develop lovely purplish brown splotches all over the skin. Internal burns. They don't hurt, so I continue doing that but I know it's horrifying to look out. Supposedly it WILL go away if I give up the heating pad for a month or two.

The kids are going great, the oldest starts Kindergarten this year. I have mixed emotions. Part of me is ready for him to be gone all day (bad mommy) just to ease some stress but part of me is shocked that I actually have a child in school! Real school!

So you might ask how have I been occupying my time?? Don't laugh....ok you can laugh. Twitter!! I am heavily involved in a role playing series for The Anita Blake Vampire Hunter Series if you are familiar with it. It started out as creating a character for myself that is intended to be prototype for a novel I am working on. HOWEVER, it boomed, and in true Jada fashion I had go overboard. I secretly play several characters in the series. Including a bisexual vampire, a gay man, two lesbian werewolves and wereleopard.....he they don't call me crazy for nothing :0)~ But on the flip side it keeps me writing everyday without have to put a lot of effort into it. It is spontaneous but not as stressful as trying to create the art that is piece of original fiction. It's almost like cheating...reading the Cliff notes instead of reading the book. I get to write on a daily basis with very little effort or brain power on my part. I just write what comes to me and what is appropriate to my character. My favorite character by part is a completely slutty wealthy woman...who secretly has a big heart and a horrible childhood. My therapist says I "get my inner freak on" with her. She's right!!! I love it. And she is a huge part of me. Just not a part I can freely be...

Ok this is probably a page long by now, but you know how much I like to talk. The offer still stands as in my previous post. tryingtosurvive101@gmail.com is the place to request an invitation to the private blog. Tell me who you are, a little about yourself and why you are interested in my blog. Most of my readers followed me there, but if you are just stumbling upon this old blog for the first time and enjoy it, drop me a line and I'll let you deeper into the REAL me. Bwaahahahahahah!

New Blog

Ok a private blog is in the works. Contact me at tryingtosurvive101@gmail.com if you are interested in an invite. (spammers beware, this e-mail exists for this purpose only, don't bother)

If I don't already know you as an online friend or blogging buddy, please tell me a bit about yourself and why you are interested in reading my blog.

If I know you personally, as in you live near me, don't be offended if your request is not accepted. My blog is very personal, and I will not have my words and feelings used against me to hurt my family or myself. I know that sounds paranoid, but if you live here you also know what a nosey ass community this is and it's hard to know who to trust. Yes I realize some asshole could make up a fake identity, but I am also smart enough to track your IP address....just so you know.

I have been burned once and my family hurt, I will not take the chance of that happening again. I need to know my blog is a safe place for me to fall, to write and vent and express myself, and my community of 'web friends', who faithfully follow this blog have been there for me more than most of you who know me in real life. I don't fault anyone for that, I am not the same person I used to be, I understand that. I am sick. I will get well. But I may never be the person you knew. Maybe you can accept that, maybe not. But it is what it is.

I will still blog here occasionally as well.

Unsteady and Unsure

Thank you all so much for all the support and response upon the return of my blog. I am still unsure what to do. How do you write about life when you can only write about a fraction of it. I think the best solution will be to create a private blog. I suppose I could post an e-mail address for ya'll to contact me so I can send you an invite and only invite the people that I trust. But truth be told, there are few local friends and readers (and there were only a small few) that I don't know if I can trust. Someone who found it and figured out who I was (Or they already knew about it) told my family. This whole fiasco has made me a paranoid freak about my writing...and my writing was my breath. As dramatic as this sounds a tiny part of me has died over this. I hate hurting people more than anything, and then to be choked of my one saving grace has doubled the agony.

My therapist says I should keep this blog, write whatever the hell I want in it and if people don't like it they just shouldn't read it. (Ok her wording was a little more crass and blunt, but she was adamant that I keep writing here) Which of course made me feel a bit justified in expressing myself in a mostly anonymous manner, but the family feels it's not fair for me to write about them. I did try to explain that none of my regular readers even KNOW this family so what does it matter?

And I want to address one issue that has bothered me since this whole thing started. During this drama my husband was informed that I wrote things about him in my blog. It was implied to him that I was writing things about him that were unfair or unkind. Can I just say for the record my husband has been invited, welcomed, and even begged to read this thing. I left the address in the address bar at all times, hoping just once he might take the time to read my blog and perhaps get to know me in ways he doesn't currently know me. That just one time he might show a glimmer of interest.... He had no interest. He couldn't be bothered. He didn't care. And truthfully that hurt a little bit....no, a lot. He never has shown any interest in my writing. And he knew this was a personal blog. I explained in detail what this blog was, what I was writing, and why I was writing it. In the year that I spilled my guts on here, he never once even glanced at it. But suddenly I was the enemy for a few moments when he was informed that I had written about him. I was very quick to remind him that it has ALWAYS BEEN HERE FOR HIM TO READ....he just never gave a shit. Only when someone made him feeel like he should be upset about it.

So that is my rant. And I am disobeying the rules by writing this, but I do feel like I should be allowed to defend myself regarding that matter. Hubby seems fine with it now, or at least resigned to it, I told him if he was worried about what I wrote about him he should sit down and READ this blog word for word...he still didn't bother. So he has lost his vote in the matter and he knows it. I won't lie and pretend that even after all this that the fact that he doesn't care to read a single word of it hurts me. And now I have destroyed so much of it in my manic panic that I may just start elsewhere. A clean page. I can remember days when I still used a pen and a blank piece of paper seemed like an ocean of possibilities. Maybe a new blog will best.

If I do that I will post an e-mail address for ya'll to contact me, and start a new private blog. I want to keep this one open in case someone new stumbles upon it that could benefit from what little I have left of my bi-polar journey. They can contact me to be invited to the new blog.

I'm Back...??? Maybe

Well the wounds of the family fall out are healing, but I am still at odds with myself about keeping this blog. It is almost impossible for a creative person to censor themselves, especially a mentally ill one who desperately needs an outlet for emotional release.

Unfortunately I destroyed many months worth of entries is an frantic panic attack after the initial smackdown, which I deeply regret. My journey into bipolar disorder was very important to me and now it has been destroyed. Which unfortunately, irrational decisions such as those are classic bipolar behaviors. I felt like I had to make it all disappear to please others. I have been very sick over the issue and have unfortunately had to spend a lot of the holidays desperately trying to appear OK. I am still not ok. I am sure the people I hurt are still not ok either. I struggle with the fear that I ruined the holidays for everyone. It seems I ruin a lot of things anymore....perhaps I have ruined things all my life and am only just now aware of them. Perhaps am a destructive tornado who is too blunt and honest for her own good. Free with my thoughts and feelings, in this anonymous floating space....who was I kidding. Nobody on the planet is ever anonymous forever.

Now I feel naked and scared. I don't feel I have a safe place to write anymore. A private blog makes sense, but then again the people who stumbled upon my writings that could relate were the exact people I was 'talking' to. And you, my faithful readers as well. I don't know what to do yet. But I know that I cannot NOT write....it will be the death of me.

My MIL insists that it's fine that I keep my blog, she even bought be a new computer for Christmas because ours tanked...I am just not to write about my family anymore....thus the censorship. Which since I am no longer as anonymous as I thought, every word I write is going to be scrutinized and up for interpretation. Which is a dangerous thing to do to a writer, especially one struggling with mental illness. Some words are just words.....some feelings just are what they are, and they are temporary. Some thoughts are flashes of light that dim as quickly as they arrived....writers don't hold these things back. It's who I am. It's apparently an unfortunate part of my personality. At least to those who can never understand.

I don't know what will happen, but I thought I would check in, I have gotten some worried messages from some of you and I just want you to know I am alive and ok. Or at least as ok as I can be right now.

Clean Bill of Health in Never Never Land

The comments from my last entry regarding going back to school are weighing on me. Perhaps I am fooling myself. Perhaps dealing with this beast of an illness is going to consume more of my life than I choose to believe that it will.

There will never be a 'clean bill of health' for my disorder. This will be with me forever. And will I forever be unqualified for any respectable job worth getting a degree for because of my mental stability. Yeah yeah I know all about my civil rights, but we also know it's a bunch of bullshit, if someone doesn't want to hire you they will find a way.

Perhaps I should just chuck the whole idea and keep trying to plug along as a writer.......I don't know what to do. I feel like I am floating out there aimless. And Anonymous is probably right, I am not at ALL ready for a major life change like school. But being in the mixed manic state I have been in the last two days and the 'excited phone calls' from the used car dealer guidance rep, I got wrapped up in something that is a pipe dream for me.....

I don't want to grow up to be nothing....LOL Yes I know I am quite grown up, and I will never be nothing. I just wanted to be more.

A smackin' good life...

I had a nightmare the other night...one that is still haunting me. It's one of those dreams that leave that nagging feeling as if there is some significant meaning hidden in it. I had a breakdown, needed to be hospitalized and the only people in my life who came to be with me were Bethany and Sgt. Volk. I am not sure what that means......maybe they are the only two I truly trust with my life and the darkside of my brain? Either way it was disturbing. I was glad they were there, but saddened to have no family there. Maybe they are my family....

So on a happy note....get your needles ready and your engines fired up! The orders are pouring in for the website!!! (see sidebar, I have added a link) In fact if they keep up like this I will be swamped. That is a good thing because I quit my job at the tavern for now. I can't handle the fast pace and the noise there anymore, since my depression in July it's like a part of my brain just can't handle all that hustle and bustle and screaming drunks LOL! So we need the money. I am excited. I forgot how much I loved to sew, I gave it up for the summer, but being back feels good. Although carpal tunnel syndrome is back with a vengance. I let the kids slap my hands when they fall asleep, they think that's funny. I hold my arms out and let them just slap the shit out of my hands until I can feel them again and go back to sewing! LOL! I'm setting a wonderful example ain't I?

Hope all my blogging buddies out there are doing well, I worry when I don't see new posts or worse yet when a blog has been deleted. You can always contact me via my stitching site, let me know you are ok. If you are reading this, you know who you are. I hope everything is ok sweetie!! I see you have deleted your blog :0( I am worried about you. How are the meds working?

Would you buy this?? NEED FEEDBACK!

This is my new idea for my stitchery website....would you buy these? I am thinking of selling them for $10, and it's a gift that lasts because the 'gift bag' can be reused for decoration or as a useful item.

I need feedback folks, tell me the truth would ya!!! I have several styles, colors and phrases planned out, many that are not necessarily strictly holiday related. Would you buy this for you wife, mother, daughter, grandmama, friend, or other lady in your life? And is $10 a fair price. Larger bags may cost more. Some have full square bottoms, those may cost a bit more too, just because they are extra work. SPEAK UP PLEASE!

Better Day

Ok, maybe I was PMS'n a bit in my last post, but it was all true. I was just awfully growly huh?

Hubby and I had a good talk this evening. He took the time to read some literature I found him online. Things are better for now.

On a really good note I am still feeling like these meds are helping tremendously. I think I have found the right fit. I am still cycling, but it's becoming almost unnoticable to anyone but me.....Yay! Having a down day today, but after what happened last night I am not surprised. But to make me feel better I made more applebutter and tons and tons of apple jelly....YUMMO! This winter that is all going to be soooooo yummy!

Holy Crap Batman!

What the hell did I write about on August 23rd? There were 300 hits to this website in ONE day! Whoo Hoo I'm gettin' famous! LOL! I ususally only have about 30-50 hits a day!

Strange Summer

For the first time in all the years that I have been a farm wife, I am putting sweet corn up for the winter...in SEPTEMBER! Late August is the latest I can every remember doing that and that was usually what we call 'soup corn'...the corn that is more mature and tough, the last of the crop out of the garden that isn't as sweet or tasty as the early crop. I just cut off and put up 15 quarts of corn and it occurred to me as I wrote 9-1-08 on the bags that I had never had to date them for September before! Everyone is in the same boat this year, just now canning tomatoes and putting up the rest of their garden bounty. The Flood we suffered this spring set crops back significantly. In fact in my last post I have a pic of my boys harvesting wheat in July. That is usually done in early to mid-June. It's been a strange summer indeed. (In more ways than one LOL!) But we have had a much cooler summer this year than I can ever remember, that is a blessing!

Well River starts pre-K tomorrow and mom and dad are having a hard time with the though of our little man going to school. It seems like only yesterday he was a chubby bundle of joy at my breast. Now he is a smart mouth know it all 4 year old...oh did I just say that out loud? LOL I meant he is a bright, energetic, and strong willed 4 year old! Tomorrow is going to be a hard day. Pray for me!

Primitive Living with a Crazy Bitch

Living without the internet has forced me into a primitive lifestyle. I have had to rely on my iPod and Satellite TV for entertainment. Goodness me, how did anyone have any fun before technology?! LOL! I've even had to talk to my friends on the telephone *gasp* because I can't check my e-mail!! I even went out for supper with Beth last night....a face to face meeting out it in the real world! Perhaps lack of technology isn't such a bad thing! Maybe I should cancel my internet altogether....Ha! As if....

I am hoping I have enough 'juice' to post this blog. I wasn't able to get online all weekend....

Actually I have been sewing a lot and have almost finished the 'wedding dress' project. It has turned out lovely and I am very excited about it. I have been listening to music a lot and even considered trying to teach myself to play the harmonica, or french harp as my hillbilly father calls it. Wouldn't that be a hoot?! LOL! I have one......whether I have the ambition is a whole other story....

So, not many new Divine Secrets from the Pastoral Princess at the moment. Still adjusting to meds and learning to deal with the ups and downs. It's funny, I have surely always had these rapid mood swings....or at least for a good long while now, but since I have been officially diagnosed it's as if everyone in my life, including me is acutely aware of them now. My husband is especially sensitive to this...and is extremely frustrated that a pill didn't cure me....It's impossible to explain to him, and he has yet to take the initiative to try and educate himself about BPD, I have several books that I have been scouring and there are limitless resources on the net (oh wait....we are grounded from that) but I think he just wants it to all go away.

He was wonderful when the first initial breakdown....but now I feel like he is just tired of the whole affair and wants it to go away. He keeps talking about 'getting me on some medication that actually works, cause this isnt' working' etc....I've tried to explain to him that there is no pill that is going to turn me into a stepford wife. Sick or not I am gonna have bad moods, bitchy days, sad days, happy days and energetic days....I am human. But since the diagnosis of BPD I feel like everything has changed, and not just with him but our entire family.... What used to be brushed off as "what the hell crawled up her butt today?" has now become "Oh, she's having an episode"....

I just love being the crazy bitch in town. :0)~ I am hoping my Dr. will educate him a bit. We go Aug 26th.....

Comfortably Numb

Hellooooo Helloooo...is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me? Is there anyone at home?

I feel like I am functioning at a numb, tolerable yet not fully functioning level. It's hard to explain. I don't want my life to revolve around my illness...I never intended for my blog to be a running commentary of my latest drug and therapy trials. When I started this blog I didn't know I was sick. I don't like that every single moment of my life right now seems to always hangs somewhere between "am I OK right now?" and "am I falling back down again?"....but that's what it feels like I am doing. I keep trying to tell myself that as I get used to living with this, start a more clear course of treatment and find the best way to quiet the beast I will feel better....but that destination seems like a long long journey and my horse is tired....

I need rest. I know this. It's hard to find even the remote possibility of rest....If only I had a nanny! LOL!

Happy After All

It's turned out to be a good day after all. I found some happiness in my day. Happiness doesn't always last long right now, but for the moment I am content. I have special people in my life who always seem to make me smile. And my afternoon resulted in many smiles.

You, my readers are included in that! Thanks for the birthday wishes.

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Crazy Pants

I have some amazing friends. My support system is absolutely fabulous and I don't know where I would be or what kind of state I might be in if it weren't for those few people I can honestly admit to that "I'm freakin' out here!!!". I have two friends who I can just be bare bones honest with, because they've been there...and another friend who might not understand but loves me anyway! She came over yesterday and took over all Mommy duties and even did all my Wal-Mart/Grocery shopping for me. That was HUGE...the thought of having to step foot in such a public place right now just freaks me out. I still feel so fragile, and one wrong look or running in to all those people I know who I have to 'fake' it with is more than I can handle right now. In fact I am skipping our church picnic...the one I am on a committee for, the one I told you all about that is the biggest event of the year and that I sooooo enjoy. Yup, not going. Can't do it. The idea scares the shit out of me and I feel anxiety creeping up my throat everytime I consider trying to go. I kept thinking "Oh I'll be better by then....." Clearly this a journey, not a day trip.

I have started a mood journal to try and track my cycling moods. I am not sure if it's due to the recent 'freak out' or if I am truly developing a more noticeable manic/depressive pattern, but I am cycling more frequently than I thought. Hell maybe I have been this way for a long time and didn't notice.... Some of that may be due to the double dose of Cymbalta, which I found out from an RN friend that that is a horrible thing to do to a patient who might be bipolar. But hey my Doctor is a country doc from BFE....I can't fault him for just pulling an idea out of his ass...or can I? LOL! So I am going back to my regular dose and risking the lows that might come with it. The manic episode from yesterday morning was something straight out of an after school special for Methamphetamine!! Good God! I have some friends who have gotten messed up on that....I don't think I was a far cry from that kind of high for a few hours yesterday morning! It was awful! Fortunately for me, my manic episodes have never produced any crazy wild inappropriate behavior (ok, shut up girls...I can hear my girlfriends cackling right now about some of our 'Girl's Night's Out') I just have difficulty concentrating and staying on task and have an abundant amount of energy. Basically I am going 100 mph but I can't think straight long enough to put the energy to good use!!!

Here's hoping today is a good day....I am currently looking for some support forums online. I think that will help too. Ya'll have no idea how much it means to me that all of you out there in cyber land have been so supportive! It has made me feel free to share my struggle and document this journey to the fullest. I think writing about it helps me tremendously, and I am grateful to have made some wonderful friends here who are praying for me and looking in on me here. (((((((((Hugs))))))))))

Disturbingly Profound? Maybe just Disturbing?

Ok I am killing some time while I wait for Mrs. Ambien to seduce Mr. Sandman and get it on inside my brain...found this surfing the web...thought it was interesting. The quiz was this "Are you profoundly disturbed or disturbingly profound?" I was just sure I would be disturbed! LOL! Turns out:

You Are Disturbingly Profound

You're contemplative, thoughtful, and very intense. Taking time to figure out the meaning of life is a priority for you. Because you're so introspective, you often react in ways that surprise people. No one can really understand how you are on the inside... and that disturbs them.

Are You Disturbingly Profound or Profoundly Disturbing?

Hmmmm....they are sure right about that last sentence! Ask anyone close to me...

The Fairy Tale Lies We Believe....

It's wedding cake time again. Another little side job I have that I love love love...except when there are 7 kids in the the house. I usually close the daycare and get a sitter for my own kids when I tackle a cake, but this one is small and simple, so I figured I could handle it.....ha, what an idiot!

The cake is actually for a ceremony to renew my Grandparents wedding vows. They have been married 55 years. They are not my biological grandparents, but they took me in as a teen and taught me what a real family should be. I still live close to them and they are very much a part of my and my children's lives. They are the perfect example of what real, true and lasting love is all about. I know few people who have a love like theirs, including myself. Their's is a fairy tale that seems impossible to believe. It's one of those loves that is still so visible and electric, even after all these years. Their smiles and looks and affection for each other betrays their continuing passion. After 55 years.....it's truly amazing to me. So as a celebration for their anniversary we all decided to throw them a wedding! They laughed and cheered and thought it was a grand idea. So today my house smells like wedding cake....yum.

Hubby and I have a conflict regarding this ceremony. One of his friends is getting married on the same day. So we decided that he would go to his buddy's wedding, I would go to Grandma and Grandpa's with the kids then meet up with him at the buddy's reception later. For the last few days he has been growly and distant...even after my attempts at a nice meal last night - which we sat through silently....finally he says to me last night that "you've been mad ever since I told you I was going to *buddy's* wedding instead of your Grandma's"....folks I swear it didn't bother me one bit. I thought it was the perfect solution, this way we are representing our family at both events....I was fine with it.....but he assumed I was going to be mad about it...so he projected that assumption on me as if it were a fact. Didn't we just go through this with the "job change discussion"???? I am so tired of being accused of having feelings I don't have....tired of him assuming I feel something, so it must be true....don't ask me how I feel, just assume I am silently hating you for it. Nice.....

Calling all my international readers!!!

Ok folks, if you read my blog and you are not from the United States, I need a favor. I have decided to start a little project with my day care kids. We want to have an "International Foods Week" before school starts. I am looking for some traditional recipes for meals and snacks that kids enjoy from all over the world. I know I have readers from Australia, England and the Middle East and other places I have never heard of LOL and I know I have American readers who could probably pass along some of their favorite international recipes too...I would consider it a huge favor if you could post a comment to this blog with some food and recipe ideas for us to consider! Any foods that you feel are native or traditional in your region, especially something that we would not normally fix in the U.S. The only catch is, I need to be able to find the ingredients here, or at least have some substitute ideas.

If you recipes come with any stories or background information I would love that too....it would bring a lot more meaning to the kids if they knew the history of the dish - right before they go "Eeeeewww are we really gonna eat that?!" LOL ~ I can already hear it now, but I think this will be a fun educational activity. Plus I love to cook....don't hesitate to send recipes that might require some effort, I am not afraid of my kitchen, it is where I am most at home! Bring on the recipes!!

If I had anything to offer as a prize for the best submissions I would...but I don't....unless you want some fresh garden tomatoes and sweet corn! LOL!

Dirty Boys

For those of you who are too lazy to keep scrolling you can read my review of Crue Fest 2008 here.

This blog is strictly for the ladies! LOL!! Those of us suburban housewives and farm mommies who have that secret fantasy to be devoured by sweaty, tattoo covered rocker....Count me in!

It all started in 6th grade with Duff McKagan. When Guns N' Roses hit the scene all the girls went gaga for Axyl Rose....not me....I was nutso over the quiet, dirty, skinny bass player

In 1994 his pancreas exploded, yup exploded, nearly killing him, and his liver was failing. The doctors told him he had a month to live if he continued down that road. He had to get clean or die.

We had the chance to see Velvet Revolver in 2005 and girls, I am not joking a bit...that man is like a fine wine....this is what he looks like now:Having kicked his alcohol and herion habit by adopting a very strict martial arts routine and zen lifestyle he was only about 20 feet from me in all his sweaty glory!!!! I told my husband I wanted to run on stage and just lick a little sweat off his chest!!! (Yes, hubby found this hilarious....he knows me well....LOL)

Developing a love for hard rock/heavy metal thanks to the debut of Guns N' Roses, I quickly discovered scores of other 'hair metal' bands I had been missing out on. (Hey a 12 year old girl from BFE with only 1 college radio station to hear rock music on, lives a sheltered life...) Along came Motley Crue. Of course they had been out for almost 10 years by the time I discovered them but whoooo boy! While all the ladies love Tommy Lee...this one included...I was once again drawn to the quiet bass player....with the heroin addiction....I am seeing a theme now that I look back...hmmm

Of course I couldn't go for the guys who just liked to sling booze and chase girls....nooooo....I was crushing on the guy who had literally died of a heroin overdose and somehow survived, only to be released from the hospital to go shoot up again....he woke up with a needle in his arm the next day...in my mind, clearly this guy was kept alive for a reason. Today he is clean and championing the cause for addicts. He published The Heroin Diaries and formed a band to create an accompanying soundtrack. He is, after all, a songwriter first and foremost, and no autobiography of him would be complete without music. They called themselves Sixx A.M. Not expecting radio play or recognition, that's not what this project was about....but as fate would have it, they are hugely successful, with the message and the music touching thousands upon thousands of fans who have struggled with some sort of addiction, disease or disaster in their lives. He used to be an object of my desires....ok he still might be...but today he is one of my heroes!

Oh and then there's Buckcherry's Josh.....Josh Todd.....mmmm my Lord. Maybe it's the tattoos. Maybe it's the Mick Jagger Swagger...maybe it's the razor sharp voice...maybe it's the adorable pictures of this tatted up rocker with his beautiful children...but once again I have a school girl crush on a dirty sweaty rock star!!

And he rocked my world Sunday night in St. Louis!!! I am still in pain.....it's hell getting old!

St. Louis Crue Fest 2008 Review

We had a fabulous time and I will tell you all about it in another post, this blog is intended to be my review of the actual concert, Crue Fest 2008, only the first of what I hope to see as a continuing summer festival.

We arrived shorty before the first band was scheduled to hit the stage at 5 p.m. I was very surprised to find only one fan attraction outside the seating area, the Guitar World contest, where mucisians battle each other through the power of technology. The last time we came to see Motley Crue, during the Carnival of Sins, tour, there were parties, live radio feeds, chances to win front row seats and backstage passes, and even a guitar autographed by Mick Marrs and Nikki Sixx. I expected similar activities, especially at a concert with 5 bands playing in a summer festival type tour...but nothing. Just beer and food...so we ate and drank.

My disappointment in the lack of mayhem ensuing in the vending area was soon swept away by a nice cold $10 beer and the sounds of the first band taking the stage. I am not going to lie, I didn't expect to be impressed. I knew one song this band sang, it's a great song, but other than that I was clueless as to their style or talent. Can I just say when Trapt hit the stage I was absolutely blown away by the power in this boy's voice. I have since done some research to find out his name is Chris Brown. Watch this band. Any rock radio station worth their salt is going to be spinning their tunes sooner rather than later. I was incredibly impressed. Their style of music captured my attention from the first song...striking, strong and full of a beat and rhythm you found your body moving to, even when you were trying to limit movement in your spot on the grass under 95 degree blaring sunshine....I was sad to see them finish their set!

The masses began to pour in as we all awaited for Sixx A.m. to take the stage at sixx p.m. (har har I'm so funny...) Any real Crue fan worth their salt was there to support our favorite bass player Nikki Sixx in his side project, which has turned out to be a wildly popular success with their first album. It was easy to spot who the real Motley Crue fans were in the crowd from the moment they hit the stage. Curious rock fans, and people looking for a fun way to kill a Sunday night were clueless as to the significance of the this performance. Crue fans were on our fucking feet! Jumping dancing, screaming our heads off....yes, once again in the blaring sun, sweating out our beer as fast as we could drink it. They rocked the house with a flawless set that included a wide sampling of their musical talents.....for the second time of the night I was sad to see a band leave the stage.

Now I've got to be honest with you once again, I am not as familiar with Papa Roach as some of the younger kids in the crowd. I recognized their radio hits instantly, but much of their music was new to me. I fully expected to take a bit of rest and rehydrate with more alcohol and a bit of water after dancing and screaming in the hot sun for 2 hours already. I knew I would enjoy their set, but I figured I would enjoy it from the comfort of my itchy, grassy, sweaty butt. Folks let me tell ya, every time they broke into song I was on my feet. They just made it impossible to sit still!! They were fabulous. I found them to be an extremely energetic band that knew how to play to the crowd and work us into a frothing frenzy by the end of their set. So much for resting!! The heat was starting to subside a bit, but we actually saw a woman hauled out to an ambulance, presumably from heat exhaustion....wouldn't that suck, to pay to see 5 bands and pass out in the middle of band #3....anyhoo

Finally it was time for Buckcherry. Clearly several fans were in the audience with the primary goal of seeing them, with Motley Crue simply being a novelty act and the previous bands being a bonus to seeing the latest and greatest rock band to hit the air waves in recent years. Personally I was anxiously awaiting their performance myself. I have a not-so-secret crush on Josh Todd (I am convinced his tattoos would be candy flavored if I licked them all ;0), and the band itself plays some kick ass rocking grooves. If you call yourself a rock and roll fan, and find yourself able to sit still through a Buckcherry song....well...you ain't very rock and roll. They rocked the house and made the girls swoon (this one too....) and the crowd was wild for them! Josh's vocals were outstanding and the music was flawless. They ripped us all to shreds with "Cocaine"...I thought I was going to have a heart attack...but I just couldn't stop moving! LOL! "Sorry" was beautiful and hubby and I even got a little mushy....but I have to shamelessly admit to you that I couldn't fight mother nature any longer and had to make a trip to the bathroom before their closing song "Crazy Bitch" was over.....ughhh...I was the only girl in the bathroom of course...no rock chick would leave for that song, except an aging mother of two who had guzzled about 4 liters of beer...but it was that or water the lawn ( a thought which crossed my mind). Since it was the closing song they dragged it out for a looooooong looooooong time, so I had gotten to shake my ass, to my heart's content before the urge to pee was overwhelming....but clearly I am getting old...LOL!

Up until this point I was amazed that every single band who took the stage gave such stellar perfomances! I had gotten more than my money's worth so far getting to see Motley Crue again would just be the icing on the cake.

As an official Crue Slut (the proper term for a female Crue fan....men being Crue Heads of course) it feels sort of sacrilegious to give them a bad review. But strictly from the view of a chick who has seen these guys rock the fuckin' house down...this was not their best performance. Not that we didn't have fun...we had a blast!!! OMG I hurt so bad today it's not funny. We have the obligatory headbangers whiplash, and my body feels like it was run over by one of the tour buses. Entertainment wise, the show rocked. Performance wise....well...Vince was clearly struggling. The last time we saw the Crue I was impressed with his stamina and it was clear he had worked very hard preparing for thst tour (Carnival of Sins) and kept his voice in shape. Last night he had a hard time singing complete verses and missed a lot of words and he let the crowd do a lot of the singing for him. Not that we cared. Who am I to judge really...I was so out of breath I couldn't sing along to it all either...hard as I tried. He is only human after all. I still came away from the show feeling like I had been dragged from one end of a rodeo to another by a barrel horse, so it was good times!!!

Nikki and Tommy were tearing it up as usual, the Terror Twins forever and always (ok maybe only a small shadow of the wild kids they used to be, but then again, so am I ...with Tommy rallying the crowd against the local government for banning the traditional Motley "Titty Cam", where Tommy spans the crowd for the most beautiful (and some down right frightening) bare breasts....we've seen many many a booby on the big screen, but not last night....much to the "BOOOOOOOO" of the crowd! LOL!

Hubby and I both found our heart aching for Mick Mars, who was clearly struggling by the end of the show with pain. He looked much more stooped and slumped since the last time we saw him and he shuffled slowly to his favorite little spot. However, when that frail aging man picks up his guitar he slays the crowd every single time!!! He is one of the true Guitar Hero's and gets very little recognition for it. His style is undeniable with that familiar, heavy, tuned down sound. Supposedly he tunes his guitar to "D'" rather than the standard "E" which lends that deep strong sound. I stood in awe watching him on the monitor as the cameras captured his solo performances. After the show he was moving very slowly and holding his hip, in obvious agony as they took their bow and he quietly exited the stage in his stacked heel boots, which hide his more than 6" shrinkage since he was first diagnosed with ankylosing spondylitis. He can't move his head from side to side and his body is hunched and slumped over so far you want to just hug him....but the man keeps rockin' the house night after night. I can't imagine how much pain he is in, and clearly he is either needing his other hip replaced, or his hip replacement is failing him. I was nearly moved to tears watching him quietly take his exit while the other boys stood with their hands raised, soaking in the cheers and screams from the crowd, filling their egos and basking in the glory. Mick silently shuffled out, head hanging low, unable to move much except for those golden fingers that never fail to get my adrenaline pumping!!

Hang in there Mick!!! We love you!!

Stay tuned for soon to be written blogs about our experience at the show. I have so much to say, I might end up driving you nuts....LOL! Up next is my obsession with dirty boys, particularly Nikki Sixx and Josh Todd....mmmmm don't miss it girls! LMAO!!! Until then I am going to go take my third dose of Ibuprofen for the day, go to bed and pray that tomorrow I can actually move my body a bit better than today.....

That which you most despise...

Websters Dictionary's second definition for the word needy is as follows:

2. needing affection: feeling or showing a strong need for affection, love, or other emotional support

Ask anyone who knows me well and they will tell you that I am one of those girls who has always been far from this definition. Often described as stubborn, strong willed, independent and dare I even say a hard ass (no, not my actual ass, which is far from hard, unfortunately...but emotionally). My husband would probably tell you his biggest frustration about me is that I am too independent. Yet most of the people in my life rely on that independence. I am the girl you can count on to make decisions, come up with solutions and figure a way out of just about any predicament I have ever found myself in. The environment I grew up in forced me to be this way. I have been making many household decisions since I was a small child. I was the one on the phone telling the electric company to please keep the power on for three more days until my mom got paid, because I was only 10 and with no power there would be no way for me to cook something for me to eat. My mom relied on me to be this person. She was incredibly timid and needy. I was the opposite. Strong and stubborn from the very beginning. She often made the comment "I wish I could be like you".....being raised by a single mother, who wasn't always mentally stable and able to assert herself, helped mold me into this person, but I also think some of it is just part of who I am. Independent to a fault.

Lately it is occurring to me that I am needy in some areas of my life. Not that this is a character flaw by any means. In fact it is a normal human condition. One in which I have forced myself to deny for many many years. Weakness is something I have always frowned on, and often find myself having very little patience for people who are needy. Those people who cling, and need your attention and reassurance all the time. I have turned my back on friendships for such things. A hard ass... A bitch maybe.

Perhaps it's age. Motherhood. Martial woes. Childhood recollections. Loneliness. Emptiness. Whatever the reason, I find myself developing a character trait that I have always viewed as undesirable. I don't like it. I don't like needing people. I can take care of myself....hell or high water. I don't need anyone else's approval or acceptance. Where does my sudden need come from? How did I get here?

I know this makes no sense to most of you....I think this is a purge for myself, and a few select people in my life. But it needed to be put into words, so I put it here. The place where I seem to be most comfortable baring my soul these days.