Bye Bye Betty Bop

One of the toughest chicks I know died yesterday after a long tooth and nail fight with brain cancer. She had 11 siblings and is an aunt to several of my friends. That woman had a lot of fight in her and I am sad that she is gone. Betty was one of those gals that could take care of herself, she was widowed in her 20's and never remarried. It was humilating for her to have to be taken care of and I am sure she is at peace now after struggling so long to fight her caregivers and loved ones about her independance. Betty was one of those people who you could never really crack the shell on. Nobody truly knew Betty. Even her own siblings didn't know her home phone number if she didn't want them to. She didn't need help 'from nobody' and she planned to keep it that way. She had spunk and fire and I adored her. I will miss her.

Rest in peace Betty Bop, you will be missed by more people than you can even imagine!

Couches in Heaven

Going on filed trip to see some apple trees
To learn about the blossoms and the birds and the bees
Ain’t it just a fine time,
Finally get to go somewhere
Find out the elastic is shot in your underwear

Yes it was a Pre-K field trip today, and YES I was pulling my underwear up all day. I hadn’t noticed that they had apparently seen better days when I got dressed this morning. Ugghhh. So anyhoo apple picking and a “Mommy Date”, it was a great day. River and I went to McD’s where I tried to be as patient as I could as he slowly ate….one French fry at a time….dipping each bite in ketchup….checking to make sure each bit had the proper amount of ketchup….re-dipping if it didn’t. I eat like a NASCAR driver drives on the interstate, I just can’t help it. I think I am so used to eating on the run or scarfing down meals to tend to other things that I forget there are times when I can just relax and actually taste my food.

So River has been asking a lot about death lately. I was expecting this. We recently put autumn flowers on my Mother’s grave and he desperately wants to understand the concept. Where is she? Why is she not here? Why do we go to that place? (cemetery) I have been prepared for this and figured I would try to handle it as nonchalantly as I can. I tell her she is in heaven, she doesn’t live in this world anymore. I tell him the cemetery is just a place where we put pretty rocks up to remember them and we put flowers on it to keep the rocks pretty. I figure once we have to face an actual burial I will get into the rest of all that, but for now no way, he worries too much as it is. He asks the funniest questions about Mom and heaven:

Does she have legs?
Is it hard to walk there?
Do they have chairs?
Is she a little girl there?
Can she eat hot dogs?

I always try to answer in the best way I know how.

Yes she has legs just like me and you.
No it’s not hard to walk there.
Yes they have chairs, I bet they even have couches and rocking chairs and bean bags.
I bet she can be whatever she wants to be in heaven. If she wakes up one day and wants to be a little girl she can be.
I bet she can eat all the hot dogs she wants.

His answer to all of these……."They have COUCHES there???!!!! That’s SUPER COOL MOM!"

Better Day

Ok, maybe I was PMS'n a bit in my last post, but it was all true. I was just awfully growly huh?

Hubby and I had a good talk this evening. He took the time to read some literature I found him online. Things are better for now.

On a really good note I am still feeling like these meds are helping tremendously. I think I have found the right fit. I am still cycling, but it's becoming almost unnoticable to anyone but me.....Yay! Having a down day today, but after what happened last night I am not surprised. But to make me feel better I made more applebutter and tons and tons of apple jelly....YUMMO! This winter that is all going to be soooooo yummy!

If I hear one more time....

"Your meds must not be working"... I'm going to scream. How do I make him understand that this is not something I can snap my fingers and make go away...because believe you me if I could I FUCKING WOULD!!! How can I explain that this is not all about him, that every mood swing, every shift, every anxiety is not in some way related to some sort of anger or hatred towards him. We even had the 'dealing with this for the rest of our lives' conversation last night and I told him if he didn't think he could handle it he might as well pack up now, because I don't have any answers. I don't have any way to make it go away. I realize I am not the person he married. I get it. I hate it. More for my children than for him. He's a grown up. Why can't he act like one. Pick up a fucking book...see a therapist, search online...anything to be pro-active in this rather than make me feel like a fucking lunatic who needs a new pill every time I am in a bad mood, or 'too good of a mood'. I may never again be that same person I was 4 months ago, and especially not 4 years ago. But this is beyond my control. I have vowed to do everything I can to be pro-active in my health, better diet, exercise, education, therapy and medication. He has done nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. When this started he vowed to support me in whatever may come. This is not support....and it's not helping me mentally.

I don't cry. But I feel like crying today. I just might have to. Of course this morning there were "sorry's" all around, there always are, but I am so sick and fuck and tired of sorry I could puke the letters out into the toilet bowl and watch them scramble and swirl as they make their way down the pot......I'm done with sorry. I can only fix myself. If that means doing it by myself, so be it.

Edited to add that after I posted this I realized it sounded like I was throwing in the towel. Don't panic...I haven't packed up yet...I just meant that things are going to have to change or we are not going to be able to live under the same roof.

Cathartic Cooking

For me, there is something extremely relaxing about peeling, slicing, dicing, mixing, boiling, kneading, rolling, and creating food. It's much like writing or painting. You start with a blank canvas. Nothing. And with a few tools and some creativity you create a masterpiece.

Today it's chicken soup and home made yeast rolls for my Daddy. Sgt. Volk and I spent much of the day Friday picking guitar and singing and it made me miss my Dad. Our relationship is a fickle one, but he is a musician and all the singing and pickin' and grinnin' just made me long to see him. So I am loading up the boys and some good food to take to him. He is terminally ill with COPD and takes horrible care of himself. I gave up trying to fix him years ago, feeling like if he wanted to die in a tavern on a barstool then so be it....but today, and maybe just for today, I felt the urge to care for him. A healthy meal and a healthy dose of his grandbabies will do him good. Maybe make him happy enough to stay out of the bar for a day or two....although I've tried all my life to make him happy enough to stop doing that and it's never happened....I won't hold my breathe. But instead I am doing this for me. I need to see my Daddy. I'll take care of my needs and he can take care of his needs as he sees fit. I love him. There's a lot of reasons not to....but I do. And he loves me, this I do know, he just doesn't have many skills to show it.

Memories of Pappy

I just had a very fond memory that I wanted to share. Any of my cousins reading this blog will chuckle with a tear in their eyes when they read it. I was drinking my morning coffee with too much sugar and too much cream, as usual. A habit I picked up from Pappy around the age of 6! LOL

Pappy used to drink a ton of coffee in the morning. He would get up at 4 a.m every day and Grandma would have the first pot loaded and ready for him to just push the button. Usually by the time I woke up he would be on pot #2. He always drank his coffee in a cup with a saucer...always had to the saucer. The reason being is because he actually drank the coffee from the saucer. As you know coffee is usually too hot to drink straight of the pot. Pappy would put in his sugar, cream and coffee (in that order) and then sit down to watch the news or the latest game show....then he would tip his cup and spill his coffee into his saucer, let it sit for a second and then drink it from the saucer. Now as a child this looked like a lot of fun, so I started getting up earlier and earlier at my visits to their house so I could drink coffee with Pappy. It's such a fond little memory I have of my hillbilly Grandpa....and hillbilly he was buddy! And bless my Grandma's ever lovin' heart she never ever complained about the mess he made at the table every morning with his little coffee quirk. But I do recall that she always had one of those cheap plastic table cloths on the table at all times....

As a wife and mother myself now...I get it....I understand the constant cheap table cloth.

I miss them dearly. If I could have 10 minutes back with them it would be wonderful. Especially my Grandma. As awful as it may sound to say out loud, I miss her more than my own mother. Not because my mother didn't love me, but mother was so ill that she was no longer herself at the end. But my Grandma loved me dearly. She taught me so much about love, life, perseverance and making do with what you had. She always made the best out of any situation thrown at her, and some were horrible, and she did it with a smile. They both grew up dirt poor, endured WW II when my Grandma didn't hear from Pappy for over two years, while she raised their 3 children...she never gave up hope that he was alive...endured his alcoholism when he returned from the war and went on to have 5 more kids. I can't imagine her life was easy at all....but she sure made it look that way. Her endless faith in God carried her through all her struggles. I try to remember that when I am struggling.

I love you Grandma and Pappy...if there's an internet in heaven and you learned to read well, I hope you can see this! :0)~

Sweet Relief!!!

River came bee boppin' off the bus telling me all about the 'Hot Dog' song and how he colored an apple and sat with Allison on the ride home on the bus......I called his teacher a bit ago and she said that he didn't fuss for long. Yay!!!!!!!! I feel so much better.

Hard Day....

I am getting my baby ready for pre-school this morning....Whaaaaaaa!!! Do I have to do this? I am trying to be 'super excited' and not show my feelings because he is very sensitive. I don't want to plant any extra anxiety in his head. But inside I am crying.

I am going to go make him a special treat for breakfast, Toaster Strudel. I usually steer clear of 'junk food' breakfast, but I figured today we could celebrate his special day with something gooey and covered in icing!

Manic Musings

I am feeling quite 'energetic' ie hypomanic this evening and all the windows have been washed and floors scrubbed so I am just hanging out at the computer trying to occupy my mind. I was putting tunes on my iPod and came across and old song that I love. Of course it seems at least once a week I am posting song lyrics, but I can't help it. Music is poetry in motion and it can move me to places in my mind and soul that affect me deeply.

The song "Best of You" by the Foo Fighters was a song that I could relate to so strongly when it first came out. Not because I felt like I was hanging onto a relationship with bare knuckles as the song suggests...but because I think every lover I have ever had has felt this way about me. Perhaps even some of my friends and loved ones. I am always pulling away....always drifting...and those that love me always seem to be hoping I don't drift away from them completely. So many things in my life have caused me to build a wall and always wait for another bomb to drop. If things get too good...I am wary...I was especially like this as a child. But as I get older it's better. I see that only I can create my destiny. But this song sums me up....I would venture to guess my husband feels this way about me. And maybe rightly so....

I've got another confession to make
I'm your fool
Everyone's got their chains to break
Holdin' you
Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have
But had no useI was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can't choose
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you mustConfess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?


Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh...
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

I've got another confession my friend
I'm no fool
I'm getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new
Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?Oh...

Perhaps it's someone...Perhaps it's something...but I'm always a step away, a step ahead or a step behind. Sometimes I wonder if I have some emotional defect that prevents me from walking side by side with anyone.

Strange Summer

For the first time in all the years that I have been a farm wife, I am putting sweet corn up for the winter...in SEPTEMBER! Late August is the latest I can every remember doing that and that was usually what we call 'soup corn'...the corn that is more mature and tough, the last of the crop out of the garden that isn't as sweet or tasty as the early crop. I just cut off and put up 15 quarts of corn and it occurred to me as I wrote 9-1-08 on the bags that I had never had to date them for September before! Everyone is in the same boat this year, just now canning tomatoes and putting up the rest of their garden bounty. The Flood we suffered this spring set crops back significantly. In fact in my last post I have a pic of my boys harvesting wheat in July. That is usually done in early to mid-June. It's been a strange summer indeed. (In more ways than one LOL!) But we have had a much cooler summer this year than I can ever remember, that is a blessing!

Well River starts pre-K tomorrow and mom and dad are having a hard time with the though of our little man going to school. It seems like only yesterday he was a chubby bundle of joy at my breast. Now he is a smart mouth know it all 4 year old...oh did I just say that out loud? LOL I meant he is a bright, energetic, and strong willed 4 year old! Tomorrow is going to be a hard day. Pray for me!

A weekend getaway!

Hubby and I will be celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary on Monday....he decided we needed to go somewhere. Not just out for dinner and a movie blah blah blah but GO SOMEWHERE. I was tickled! Yay! Escape! No poopy diapers and whining and crying and fighting! Although, you know me, I can't bear to be gone too long or too far....so I found us a cozy little cottage on a lake an hour away from here! We totally can't afford it, but absolutely need it....LOL Story of my life!

I actually haggled the guy down quite a bit on the price...I explained we don't have a boat and will not be using the boathouse etc etc etc....and I told him we could easily spend a weekend in St. Louis for the price he was asking....(lie...ok maybe if we stayed at the Best Western and ate PBnJ all weekend). And of course my final kicker was my offering price was better than making NO MONEY because the cabin was going to sit empty all weekend....He took the bait. Damn I'm good! That or I'm just a bitch...either way I saved $100!

Here is the cabin, nothing fancy, but it looks like heaven to me....peace and quiet. I am going to curl up in that hammock with a good book for most of Saturday!

Here is the view of the lake from the cabin. It has it's own sandy beach so we can swim and the upper level of the boat house has a swing on it so we can sit out there and just watch the water. We have some friends who summer at the lake too so we are going to hang out with them a bit and do some boating, preferably the slow trolling around the lake kind of boating, while consuming large amounts of fruity tequila spiked drinks. I am so excited to get away! And super excited that we won't be that far away.

Although can I just say the weekend I was starting to plan for us was actually in St. Louis and Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band are playing Saturday night?!!.......Yes I gave up tickets to see the Boss for this lakehouse.....I must be in desperate need of solitude....the old me would have NEVER EVER EVER done that! But I knew if we went to the city I would not relax, I would go go go go go go go until I couldn't go anymore, cause that's just how I am. I drive my husband nuts when we go to the city. And I've seen Bruce before....and I suppose my absence won't affect his performance in the slightest....although he may sense a small nagging loss at my not being there......

Ha! I wish!

The Wrecking Ball

Music has been a saving grace for me in the last 4 weeks, and I find myself listening to those deep melodic haunting tunes that sometimes lift you up and bring you down simultaneously. I had to laugh at myself though when I first started to write this post. You know you've lost your marbles when you start to write a blog post that you have already written....almost the exact same post written in March....The Secret Garden but what is even more startling to me is the symptoms I was showing of bipolar disorder even then. I describe the racing thoughts......hmmm....that was a bit heartbreaking to me.

Anyhoo...so I came up with an equally beautiful song that I have been listening to a lot and rewrote a new blog post!

Gillian Welch has a beautiful song she recorded with Old Crow Medicine Show that affects me deeply lately. Do you ever feel, when you hear a certain song, that somehow your soul is connected to another simply through the sheer coincidence of circumstance? And when the words flow out of them they feel as if they could have just as easily fallen from your own heart? She has as song called Wrecking Ball that I have fallen deeply in love with. These are her words, which feel like a word for word description of my young adulthood, minus a few minor details:

Look out boys, cause I’m a rolling stone,
Least that’s what I was when I first left home.
I took every secret that I’d every known,
and headed for the wall
Like a wrecking ball.

I started down on that road of sin,
Playin’ bass under a pseudonym
And the days are rough and it’s all quite dim
But my mind cuts through it all
Like a wrecking ball

Oh…I’s just a little Dead Head
Who is watching?
Who is watching?
I’s just a little Dead Head

A fallen daughter, on a scholarship.
I got tired and let my average slip
Then I’s a farmer in the poke and lip
Where the wee that I recall….
Was like a wrecking ball.

I met a love sick daughter
Out of San Joaquin
She showed me colors, I’d never seen
Then drank the bottom out of my canteen
And left me in the fall….

Like a wrecking ball.

Hey boys!
I’s a little Dead Head
Who is watching?
Who is watching?
I was just a little Dead Head
With too much trouble for me to shake
Whoa and the weather and the blinding ache

We were riding high until the 89 quake
Hit the Santa Cruz Garden Mall
Like a wrecking ball…

Well the 89 California quake did not affect me, but events that occurred in 1989 changed my life forever. My life would never be the same. And while I never played a guitar under a pseudonym, I certainly spent many years trying to hide myself, trying to be someone else, anyone else but who I really was…lest I have to face the parts of me that weren’t so pleasant. Even down to the fallen daughter out of San Joaquin….Wanda you know that’s you darlin’….showing me colors I’d never seen, drank the bottom out of my canteen (Honey Brown Beer anyone?)…then leaving me in the fall…like a wrecking ball. Doesn’t that describe “Us” so beautifully? And Wanda is someone who remembers the little Dead Head I used to be…the little hippie child who never wanted to speak of her own life, just quietly listen to yours. The girl who seemed full of dark secrets, but nobody could crack the code…..

Girls like Wanda and I never escape the wrecking ball. Sometimes we ARE the wrecking ball, sometimes we are standing frozen, watching it slowly swing in our direction, helpless to stop it…..welcome to the wonderful world of madness. This song reminds me of us, the two of us and the maddening journey we have traveled together all these years. Sometimes I wonder if she didn’t have to suffer in order to be able to help me survive it….her wisdom and experience carries me through my days.

This song is just amazingly beautiful and if you’ve never heard it, find it! I got it from iTunes, but can’t find it for my playlist. There is the original version on Project Playlist, but it is not nearly as beautiful and soulful as the version with OCMS...but worth a listen. I just don't want it on my playlist because it sullies my fondness for it.

Belated Brithday Bash...ok not a Bash...but a MESS!

So I finally felt like celebrating my birthday today so the boys and I made my favorite cake this evening. Angel food with 7 minute icing....no small feat since I don't actually own a double boiler...but being the high tech redneck that I am I always figure out a way to fashion two pots together to make this tasty confection. Of course I add marshmallows to the frosting also...I mean can you really have too much sugar on a cake? I think not! This was the result. It was delightfully sinful!!

And then of course I let the boys dig into to what was left of the frosting....oh my Lord! (Please ignore the messy house and don't laugh at the 'day care rules' taped to the wall behind them...yes I put them in writing!)

Aren't my little devils just adorable?

Sins of The Father

My husband is starting to have a little break down of his own. It is no secret to my readers that he and I have not been on the most secure footing in the last several months. I might go so far as to say we were on the brink of disaster. It was easy for me to blame his anger and rage, lack of help, and general bad attitude for all of our problems....however we know there are always two sides to every story don't we? Clearly mine has been spilled out like a jug of wine all over freshly laid carpet.

He is fearing that his shitty attitude in the last several months has 'caused' this to happen to me. I have tried to explain that this would have happened regardless of who I was with, where I was or what I was doing. This is a chemical reaction in the brain. A ticking time bomb that just picked this particular time to explode. Did the extra stress in my life rush the explosion along? Perhaps...but it would have happened someday. I told him perhaps God allowed this to happen now, rather than a year from now when we might have destroyed our family and given up hope on each other....While it's horrible to be going through this, the one bright spot is that there is no denial now that we belong together.

He admits he has been less than wonderful in the last few months. Clearly I have to put myself in his shoes and wonder just how wonderful I myself have been also....I feel bad that he feels guilty over this. Has he been shitty? Yes....Did that make me sick? No. Can both of us recognizing our shortcomings repair this relationship? Absolutely. I think it already has.

I Am The Egg Shell

Suddenly I am the basket case that my family is afraid to disrupt.....let's face it, for a day or so it was nice to not be bothered with the kids fussing and squabbling, especially while I was lost in my darkness hiding under the covers. But I am feeling better today, and it seems that my husband is afraid to let me do anything remotely stressful. God Bless Him for that....but I am starting to feel like a newborn or something. I finally tried to gently tell him that I am not going to fall apart if the kids start screaming...I will not keel over and die...and I have to get back into the real world and live my life, sick or not. I am not going to hide out in my bedroom forever, although it's a tempting thought...but I am a mother first. I will find a way to take care of myself AND take care of them. I haven't had any anxiety attacks today and am starting to feel a little less gloomy. I have had a headache for the last 3 days that just won't go away though...I don't know if that is a residual affect of my brain exploding or what (yes, I jest)...and I did take a 3 1/2 hour nap with the kids...but I am feeling more like myself today.

I am still not keen on venturing out of the house yet. I would like to go to the church picnic tomorrow, but I just don't think I can. People expect the "Perky" girl, the sociable jabber box who has hugs and smiles for everyone...I am not that person right now. Perhaps I am an egg shell after all....

A parting of paths

I am missing someone tonight. They know who they are. Someone who inspired and uplifted me. Someone I looked forward to sharing my thoughts with. A parting of ways that was best for all concerned...but a loss none the less. Sometimes people cross paths at the wrong time in life. Different directions lead them to opposite destinations.

My path is clearly being cut for me, chiseled into a route of healthy habits and postive thinking....not everyone will be joining me on this journey. If I am to stay healthy, I must leave them behind. They won't be forgotten. If you are reading this there is a place in my heart of you.

Facing the storm

It’s nighttime, and I feel a bit closer to normal again, much like last night. Today has not been good, and I have been stricken with several panic attacks. They are scaring me. I am anxious to speak to the doctor.

There is a storm moving in and it beckoned me to step outside tonight. I could hear the thunder in the distance and the wind blowing against the house as the lightening lit up the windows. I decided to step out and sit on the porch for a while and watch before the rain settled in. As I sat listening to thick line of trees and woods nearby whoosh and roar with the winds, and the lightening brighten up the sky, I found comfort. The strong wind on my cheeks and my arms, the rumble of thunder creeping closer, and the flash of brightness blinding my eyes, seemed to be whispering to me, or perhaps shouting to me. A reminder from God that all things in nature must endure rough seas, stormy weather and darkness. It felt like a quiet embrace between my maker and I, assuring me that I will be ok. Watching the nature surrounding me shiver and bend to the will of the winds, I felt a little less alone. The outdoors seemed to be presenting me a mirror of the turmoil in my soul.

I sat there calmly, feeling better for the first time in a while, trying to envision the winds and the rain carrying my darkness away with them, praying for sunshine tomorrow.

I have a Dr. appointment in the afternoon. Hubby is going with me. We both need to hear what the doctor has to say, and I think it will do him some good to get some insight from the doc about what this is really like and help him understand. I can’t say enough about how much support he has been in the last 24 hours. He stayed home from work today…..and never once rolled his eyes or seemed irritated by the fact that I never left the bed. He sat with me some, took care of the kids, and promised me it would all be better soon…..I believe him. And I believe in me. I have survived far worse storms in my life…depression will never get the best of me.

The Crash

There was no doubt it was coming, it hit hard. Hard enough that I found myself closing the daycare for a few days and making an appointment with my Dr. I hesitate to even write this because, while my blog is somewhat anonymous....it's not really. It's not hard to do enough Google searches for my name and not come up with this at some point in time. And I have to confess that I lied to my daycare parents and said I was getting a horrible migraine. I suppose if any of the ever find this blog they will know I lied to them. But how do you explain that you are about to hit the bottom of the ocean mentally for a few days? Is there any way to say "I swear I'm not nuts and your children are completely safe with me...I'm just going to be cracked up for a few days, I am aware of the problem and have made an app. with my Dr...I'll be better in a few days..." Someone who has never had to deal with this, or have a loved one deal with this are not going to understand that. I fear instead they will think I have lost my marbles....maybe I have.

Anyway I am getting side tracked here, which is likely to happen often right now....this crash came with lots of words to be purged. I feel a bit compelled to document this particular wave of darkness. Most of the time I write nothing, no blogs, e-mails to friends, poetry...nothing, I just hide out in my darkness for a few days. Maybe I am tired of hiding. Maybe this is a manic episode.....???

This started weeks ago, with my worries about my marriage, anxiety about wanting to go back to college, kids kids and more kids, and all the other baggage I carry from my past that always seems to push this pirate ship along. A pirate ship is a good analogy for that....because it just kind of stalks you for a while before it overtakes you and the ship you are sailing on. I have been having more and more anxiety attacks lately. In fact before we even went on our vacation, I was having the vertigo symptoms and the tightening of the chest...but I didn't talk about it, here or anywhere. It's easier to ignore something if you don't acknowledge it.

Today, after having a rough day here at home yesterday, my anxiety level became overwhelming. All the noises of the kids and the energy and activity made me jumpy, nervous and dizzy. I wasn't lying when I called all the parents about a headache, my brain felt like it was going to explode just from trying to hold back this tidal wave until my work day was over. I failed. My husband came home from work early, and I have to give him some well deserved praise tonight. He can hold it together when I am loosing it. I am the one crisis in life he can handle...when he has to. He has only seen me in this particular state a few times. This is one of the worst that I can ever remember. But he takes it seriously and doesn't patronize me or guilt me into crawling out from under the covers....he rubs my back and tries to get me to eat and fields all my phone calls to my friends. Some know and some don't...and he's fine with telling the ones who know that I am having a rough time at the moment...not ashamed to admit his wife is cracking up. It's times like this I know why I want him by my side forever. I can bitch all I want about housework and fighting....but he really came through for me tonight.

Now the house is quiet and everyone is asleep. This is the most comfortable I have felt all day. Possibly because I am sedated. But there is something about the night time that is easier for people who are in a depressed state. I think most anyone who has suffered from depression will agree with that. We are the insomniacs glued to the infomercials at night because it's easier to be dark of mood when it's dark of night. It's easier to be cynical and shitty when the rest of the world is asleep. Sunshine and daytime noises make our skin crawl. It's the night time that you feel a bit human again. (or vampirish?? uggh...which then makes you feel crazy again). I have never had a panic attack at night that I can recall. And it's a welcome relief right now that it is finally nighttime, now I just fear tomorrows episode of "Freaked Out Farm Lady".

This is the strangest episode I have had since right after my mom passed away. After her death I somehow stopped crying. I cried for weeks and then they were gone. Tears didn't come, even at times that were appropriate. But for some reason today, much like I was after her death, I am a basket case of tears. I know now that I was also experiencing panic attacks at that time, but had not yet been diagnosed. For the first time since that happened I am suddenly very depressed while also experiencing these attacks. They usually don't coincide for me. Perhaps I am having a nervous breakdown....I have finally lost it.

While I know that rationally that is not what is happening to me, there is that panic creeping up. That long long fear that I have had of going insane like my mother. My Dr. has tried to reassure me time and time again that there is no way I suffer from her disorder...but I think anytime I feel a little off kilter, or fall into a depressed state I fear that this if finally the big one, as if there is going to be some spontaneous combustion in my brain that will create the same monsters in my head that she suffered.

I mentioned that the tears were flowing tonight. They are falling like raindrops from a hurricane. My eyes hurt and burn right now. I keep trying to hide them from the kids, and then crying even harder when I am alone because I feel guilty that they have a fucked up Mom right now. I am the mother who is there 24/7 providing full attention, and suddenly I am a mess. My head is spinning and I can't think because I am having a panic attack, or I am laying in bed staring at nothing, trying to fake a smile make eye contact with them when they walk in...(they think I have a headache too...they are too young to deal with the real illness, IMO) So then when they leave I cry into my pillow even harder because it hurts to muster up the strength to fake it and it hurts that my kids have to know this as a reality in their life. Their Mom suffers from clinical depression...maybe bipolar, we shall see...and that will forever be a fact in their lives. I hope that by being pro-active in my health care and curbing a crisis like this one ASAP I can prevent them from having to see what I saw growing up...seeing a few tears on Mommy's face is a far cry from some of the shit I saw, heard and witnessed.

Anxiety is creeping up on me pretty bad as I write this one last little bit. If I am diagnosed as bipolar, am I going to loose my day care license? Great...one more thing to freak out about. Gotta go cry now.....

I should have kept the July 8th appointment, I know some of you are thinking that too...we saw this coming....next time I will go with my gut.

Heartsick and Happy

Well here's the cake in it's final glory....it has been hacked into and digested now...lovely thought huh? The 'wedding' was beautiful as my grandparents renewed their vows. The minister commented that when talking to them and their family he discovered the amazing fact that they have never been cross with one another or ever wanted to spend time away from each other. When he asked "How can this be....after 55 years together?"

Their answers were simple. Grandpa said that her happiness was all that ever mattered to him. She was the woman of his dreams. Grandma said that she never lacked for anything with him, she was always content. He made sure she was happy and taken care of, and in turn she did the same thing for him. 55 years of that. They cried through the whole ceremony and still looked like teenagers in love.

It made me proud and heartsick at the same time. Proud to be an honorary member of a family that was created out of so much love. Sick, that I may be destined to a life of anger and loneliness within my own marriage. Another weekend spent distant and fighting.....I can tell he is going to resist, but if we are going to make it, it's going to require professional help. I am looking into that today. He was all for it when he thought I might be giving up...but he's been mum on the subject since then. Sometimes I don't know if I have it in me to put forth the effort it's going to require. But my children are my life, and it's worth it for their sake, so I have to muster the strength somehow. And I know he loves me, he says I am his life and his world and he can't live without me...but somehow those words only appear at the most desperate of times. They were nowhere to be found when I was busting my ass cleaning house yesterday and trying to deal with the children while he sat on his butt for 12 hours watching TV. It was one of those nights that I found myself fantasizing about the frying pan and his head....LOL! Ok not really, but becoming a screaming raving lunatic sure loooked like a real possibility. I wish I had some magic answer....

The Fairy Tale Lies We Believe....

It's wedding cake time again. Another little side job I have that I love love love...except when there are 7 kids in the the house. I usually close the daycare and get a sitter for my own kids when I tackle a cake, but this one is small and simple, so I figured I could handle it.....ha, what an idiot!

The cake is actually for a ceremony to renew my Grandparents wedding vows. They have been married 55 years. They are not my biological grandparents, but they took me in as a teen and taught me what a real family should be. I still live close to them and they are very much a part of my and my children's lives. They are the perfect example of what real, true and lasting love is all about. I know few people who have a love like theirs, including myself. Their's is a fairy tale that seems impossible to believe. It's one of those loves that is still so visible and electric, even after all these years. Their smiles and looks and affection for each other betrays their continuing passion. After 55 years.....it's truly amazing to me. So as a celebration for their anniversary we all decided to throw them a wedding! They laughed and cheered and thought it was a grand idea. So today my house smells like wedding cake....yum.

Hubby and I have a conflict regarding this ceremony. One of his friends is getting married on the same day. So we decided that he would go to his buddy's wedding, I would go to Grandma and Grandpa's with the kids then meet up with him at the buddy's reception later. For the last few days he has been growly and distant...even after my attempts at a nice meal last night - which we sat through silently....finally he says to me last night that "you've been mad ever since I told you I was going to *buddy's* wedding instead of your Grandma's"....folks I swear it didn't bother me one bit. I thought it was the perfect solution, this way we are representing our family at both events....I was fine with it.....but he assumed I was going to be mad about it...so he projected that assumption on me as if it were a fact. Didn't we just go through this with the "job change discussion"???? I am so tired of being accused of having feelings I don't have....tired of him assuming I feel something, so it must be true....don't ask me how I feel, just assume I am silently hating you for it. Nice.....