Better Day

Ok, maybe I was PMS'n a bit in my last post, but it was all true. I was just awfully growly huh?

Hubby and I had a good talk this evening. He took the time to read some literature I found him online. Things are better for now.

On a really good note I am still feeling like these meds are helping tremendously. I think I have found the right fit. I am still cycling, but it's becoming almost unnoticable to anyone but me.....Yay! Having a down day today, but after what happened last night I am not surprised. But to make me feel better I made more applebutter and tons and tons of apple jelly....YUMMO! This winter that is all going to be soooooo yummy!

If I hear one more time....

"Your meds must not be working"... I'm going to scream. How do I make him understand that this is not something I can snap my fingers and make go away...because believe you me if I could I FUCKING WOULD!!! How can I explain that this is not all about him, that every mood swing, every shift, every anxiety is not in some way related to some sort of anger or hatred towards him. We even had the 'dealing with this for the rest of our lives' conversation last night and I told him if he didn't think he could handle it he might as well pack up now, because I don't have any answers. I don't have any way to make it go away. I realize I am not the person he married. I get it. I hate it. More for my children than for him. He's a grown up. Why can't he act like one. Pick up a fucking book...see a therapist, search online...anything to be pro-active in this rather than make me feel like a fucking lunatic who needs a new pill every time I am in a bad mood, or 'too good of a mood'. I may never again be that same person I was 4 months ago, and especially not 4 years ago. But this is beyond my control. I have vowed to do everything I can to be pro-active in my health, better diet, exercise, education, therapy and medication. He has done nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. When this started he vowed to support me in whatever may come. This is not support....and it's not helping me mentally.

I don't cry. But I feel like crying today. I just might have to. Of course this morning there were "sorry's" all around, there always are, but I am so sick and fuck and tired of sorry I could puke the letters out into the toilet bowl and watch them scramble and swirl as they make their way down the pot......I'm done with sorry. I can only fix myself. If that means doing it by myself, so be it.

Edited to add that after I posted this I realized it sounded like I was throwing in the towel. Don't panic...I haven't packed up yet...I just meant that things are going to have to change or we are not going to be able to live under the same roof.

Strange Summer

For the first time in all the years that I have been a farm wife, I am putting sweet corn up for the winter...in SEPTEMBER! Late August is the latest I can every remember doing that and that was usually what we call 'soup corn'...the corn that is more mature and tough, the last of the crop out of the garden that isn't as sweet or tasty as the early crop. I just cut off and put up 15 quarts of corn and it occurred to me as I wrote 9-1-08 on the bags that I had never had to date them for September before! Everyone is in the same boat this year, just now canning tomatoes and putting up the rest of their garden bounty. The Flood we suffered this spring set crops back significantly. In fact in my last post I have a pic of my boys harvesting wheat in July. That is usually done in early to mid-June. It's been a strange summer indeed. (In more ways than one LOL!) But we have had a much cooler summer this year than I can ever remember, that is a blessing!

Well River starts pre-K tomorrow and mom and dad are having a hard time with the though of our little man going to school. It seems like only yesterday he was a chubby bundle of joy at my breast. Now he is a smart mouth know it all 4 year old...oh did I just say that out loud? LOL I meant he is a bright, energetic, and strong willed 4 year old! Tomorrow is going to be a hard day. Pray for me!

Hail to the Domestic Goddess of Words and Weeds

No no not that kind of weed...LOL! I did something today that my husband would have squawked and had a fit over! I used the weed eater! He has been working very late each night because they are short handed where he works and the yard work just wasn't getting done. Well he and I kind of have this arrangement...it goes like this, I am not allowed to do the yard work, which I bitch and moan about, but secretly am glad I don't have to do it. Just like he thinks he is not allowed to do laundry or dishes, but unbeknownst to him I would would be thrilled if he traded in his lawn mower for dishpan hands!

We are having family pictures taken tonight and I decided to have the photographer come here to our house so we could have pics taken outside and on our porch. We have two ponds and lots of acreage so there are many many places to stage photos for the kids. However the weed situation was getting out of control! Sooooooo I took my little country butt out to the garage and found the weed eater. I read the instructions on how to start it...and then re-read them. And then I fired her up and off we went....shredding the life out of the cocky weeds who had taken over my yard!!! I felt like Superwoman...

Yes I live a sheltered life.

I am happy to report that not only did I NOT injure myself or anyone else...but that I did a pretty damn good job too! The place looks great. But can I just say my hands shook for like 2 hours from all the vibration (you'd think I'd be used to that *wink wink*) and my forearms are killing me!!! I used muscles I didn't know I had!

Dr. Dan the Man

Well it's official. And it is Bipolar. Bipolar II to be exact, less severe than Bipolar I which is a good thing. I really like my Doctor...we'll call him Dr. Dan. Who at the moment is known as Dan the Man...mostly just cause I like the sound of it, but also because I feel relieved and hopeful about the future. There's a lot of work to do, and we will be trying out new medicine, which might be a journey all it's own. But tonight I feel confident that someone who knows what they are doing is taking charge of my care. No offense to my family practitioner, he is awesome as well...but in his own words "I ain't that kind of doc!".

So Dr. Dan listened to me jabber on and on about my life for a while.....funny how when you try the hardest not to sound crazy your words start spitting out of you like a machine gun and you sound like a raving lunatic. I have had some trouble in the last few weeks speaking my thoughts clearly. Dr. Dan said that is caused by one of my meds....that med is going and another is being reduced. Maybe I won't feel like such a foggy mess by this time next week.

Oh and by the way there was no dark velvet couch...however...there were comfy velveteen chairs. Ha! I almost laughed out loud when I walked in.

Anyhoo, Dr. Dan gave me some interesting facts about Bipolar Disorder. He said that 9 out of 10 patients who are diagnosed as having BPD are actually misdiagnosed. But he said "You, my dear, are a classic true case of Bipolar II"...ok he didn't say 'my dear' that was simply for dramatic flair...:0)~

He also took the time to bring my husband in and help me reinforce the facts about BPD and the fact that I have no control over the mood swings. I was able to express to my husband in a neutral environment how hard it is on me to swing from one end of the spectrum to the other. I am not totally convinced that he will heed all the advice and facts, but at least he has been given them. I can only control myself, I am done trying to smooth things over for everyone else. I have my hands full with my own crazy ass right now!

Stay tuned...we're in for an interesting ride.

Oh just a funny note to make you chuckle. My two year old was watching me get dressed for bed tonight and he said "Mommy...I see your nickles!!" I wanted to tell him he will be fascinated with those damn things (nipples) for the rest of his life! MEN.....

D Day

Well today is the day.....the day I go see Dr. Whatshisname with the M.D. behind it, in an office adorned with leather bound books regarding the latest and greatest theories in mental health. There of course will be a few tomes from Freud simply for the nostalgia factor... I am picturing the proverbial couch...I hope it's velvet in some rich dark color, but it's probably some lame, cheaply upholstered chair with wooden arms. Yes Yes I am being a drama queen...sue me. I am in a good mood at the moment. Or at least a good enough mood to make some attempt at humor.

I am a bit nervous about this appointment. I fear that I will be rushed through a list of questions like

"Are you suicidal?"
"No"
"Are you homicidal?"
"No"
"Do you still remember to brush your teeth everyday?"
"Yes"
"Well then you're not that bad off, keep taking your meds, suck it up, grow some balls and quit being a cry baby!"

Yes I realize it's not going to go like that....not exactly anyway. But I do fear that the fact that my extremes aren't that extreme (yet anyway) is going to classify me in some 'brush off' category. And I don't want a brush off. I am scared and freaked out by all this. I want a savior to swoop in and tell me everything is going to be alright, we can fix this, you will get better, you aren't loosing your mind.....and I know that expecting a savior is unrealistic as well. I guess I just really don't know what to expect. I am not looking forward to airing all my dirty laundry and coughing up all my sins and bad behavior that seem to put the pieces of my illness together like a puzzle, even from a civilian point of view like mine.

So it's D Day

Decisions Day...
Doubts Day...
Dismal Day?
Dedication Day?
Determined Day!
Disconnect Day?
Deactivate Day?
or perhaps simply Disturbed Day.....

My one hope is that my husband will listen and take some time to be educated about BPD. We may not survive this if he doesn't. Every mood and change in behavior he takes upon himself. The concept or idea that perhaps this is just occurring to me for no other reason than the fact that I have BPD is foreign to him. He has to find a reason, and he usually looks at himself for those reasons. He needs guidance too. I hope they give it, I hope he takes it.

A weekend getaway!

Hubby and I will be celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary on Monday....he decided we needed to go somewhere. Not just out for dinner and a movie blah blah blah but GO SOMEWHERE. I was tickled! Yay! Escape! No poopy diapers and whining and crying and fighting! Although, you know me, I can't bear to be gone too long or too far....so I found us a cozy little cottage on a lake an hour away from here! We totally can't afford it, but absolutely need it....LOL Story of my life!

I actually haggled the guy down quite a bit on the price...I explained we don't have a boat and will not be using the boathouse etc etc etc....and I told him we could easily spend a weekend in St. Louis for the price he was asking....(lie...ok maybe if we stayed at the Best Western and ate PBnJ all weekend). And of course my final kicker was my offering price was better than making NO MONEY because the cabin was going to sit empty all weekend....He took the bait. Damn I'm good! That or I'm just a bitch...either way I saved $100!

Here is the cabin, nothing fancy, but it looks like heaven to me....peace and quiet. I am going to curl up in that hammock with a good book for most of Saturday!

Here is the view of the lake from the cabin. It has it's own sandy beach so we can swim and the upper level of the boat house has a swing on it so we can sit out there and just watch the water. We have some friends who summer at the lake too so we are going to hang out with them a bit and do some boating, preferably the slow trolling around the lake kind of boating, while consuming large amounts of fruity tequila spiked drinks. I am so excited to get away! And super excited that we won't be that far away.

Although can I just say the weekend I was starting to plan for us was actually in St. Louis and Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band are playing Saturday night?!!.......Yes I gave up tickets to see the Boss for this lakehouse.....I must be in desperate need of solitude....the old me would have NEVER EVER EVER done that! But I knew if we went to the city I would not relax, I would go go go go go go go until I couldn't go anymore, cause that's just how I am. I drive my husband nuts when we go to the city. And I've seen Bruce before....and I suppose my absence won't affect his performance in the slightest....although he may sense a small nagging loss at my not being there......

Ha! I wish!

I finally said NO!

For the first time in a long time I decided to politely unload my plate of several of it's responsibilities. I called the pregnant Mommies who are expecting in Jan and Feb and informed them that I would not be taking on any new children, and that instead I would be focusing on my education. I will still have two full time children here, plus my own, and two after school kids. After my day with the baby yesterday (which went great actually!) I decided that adding two more babies to this mix would be horrible for me. Stress is clearly a trigger for meltdowns for me, and I need to be pro-active in avoiding it. The 'old me' felt like I could juggle anything and would have gladly taken on a housefull of babies, a college curriculum and my regular 24/7 job of Mommy...in addition to the tavern, the bank, and sewing. God who the hell did I think I was fooling? People used to ask me all the time "How do you DO ALL THIS?" and I just used to smile. Living in Mania Land.....Oh that was such a happy place...

It is clear to me now that I am slowly killing myself. And think I am running from myself. Keeping myself so busy, kept me from having to deal with ME....and I knew I was cracking up. I have felt it for months. Well...no more. I am not putting myself in that position anymore. Obviously hubby and I both want me to still be a SAHM, but if we can't make the budget work with a smaller workload we will have to figure something else out. I put my notice in at the bank, a looooong notice, and basically told them I want out by the end of the year. (It will take every bit of that amount of time before the boss man gets the gumption to actually try to hire someone), and I am reducing my workload at the tavern. I have to be realistic. I am only one person. And I am allowed to say No. I am not Superwoman.....despite my sparkly underpants and funky boots....

The Beast of Burden

Well somehow I went from feeling ten times better this week to being rapidly sucked back into the abyss of depression. I mentioned yesterday I was feeling melancholy. By the end of the day I was full on distressed. I guess I had what doctors describe as a mixed episode, which after paying attention to patterns of behavior and emotions that I have experienced in the past few months, is pretty common for me. By the time my daycare kids all went home my head was screaming so loudly, my migraine excuse really wasn't a lie at all. Every sound they made echoed in my ears 1000 times louder than it should have been and every squeal and scream sent my brain folding in itself. I managed to 'function' until my husband got home but then back into the dark dungeon of my bedroom I went. Hiding under the covers in silence, with a fan on to block out noise and a pillow over my head for good measure. Apparently I stayed this way for 3 hours, completely oblivious to the fact that my MIL (who is becoming much more informed and understanding about this by the way) came over and cleaned my house...took the kids home with her, and tried to calm my husband down. I don't think I really slept....dozed maybe....but I mostly just tried to calm the engines in my head, which seemed to think it was a good time for Daytona 500 to take place.

So on to the husband. He is more devastated now than he was two weeks ago. I think he thought I could just take my pills and be fine forever and we could go on about our merry *ha* way. I've tried to explain to him that this is something that I will be dealing with forever. There is no magic fix. Medication and therapy are going to be vital parts of keeping on top of this and staying healthy....but nothing 'cures' this. I wish he would read some of the literature I have bought in the last few weeks....but he hasn't bothered. It's easier to just blame doctors and my job and every other stressor in my life than to try to understand the nature of the beast.

If I can just get through these next two days with my rowdy school kids I will be ok. I know now it's the stress of their fighting and yelling at each other, the constant pestering, wrestling, noise and chaos that triggers that little thing in my brain to cry "Gentleman....start your engines!" and then some little bipolar demon waves the green flag and they're off......

We have an Olympic day planned today. We made medals yesterday and are planning events like and obstacle course, discus toss (frisbee), relay races, and shot put (big rock throw).....if I can keep that interesting and hold off the

"Hey that's not fair!"
"He cheated!"
"It was MY turn!"
"I quit, this isn't fair!"
"You didn't do it right!"
"He hit me!"
"He kicked me first!"

then maybe I will survive. I keep trying to tell myself....It's supposed to be fun! Think positive. If I assume the kids are going to be turd heads....they will.

Oh did I mention that on our way to Red Hill State Park the other day, the day we had soooooo much fun, that on the way there I had to stop the car twice to yell at the school kids who would not stop hitting and slapping in the back seat? Yeah.....I love my job. Two more days.

I don't think we're in Kansas anymore Toto

So the doc prescribed me some stronger meds...something geared towards Bipolar disorder, even though he intended to wait and let the shrink do that....but I had a massive freak out anxiety attack on Monday and hubby and I decided we better let the Dr. know....so after a long drawn out battle with my insurance company over which drug they would or would not approve for me (isn't it funny how your life always hangs in the balance of your doctor's expert opinion and the opinion of some pencil pusher behind a desk at the insurance company?)

Introducing Seroquel.......all I can say is WOW...ok I also have to say WTF???!!!! Within 30 minutes of taking the pill I can remember telling hubby something along these lines "Wow...I'm weeelly weeeeeelllllyy getting sweeepy...I don't know I can stay awaaaaaaa...." Then BAM...OUT...ZONKED....KNOCKED OUT for 3 hours!!! Hubby was nervous and I guess even checked my pulse a few times....I don't remember anything...it was a bit like the anesthesia you get before surgery....a total trip to Oz.

I was starting to come out of my stupor when my husband, the one I have been bragging about...the one I have been so proud of...the one my faith had been restored in...was having a huge temper tantrum with the kids in the bathroom. Apparently he was giving them a bath and they were being difficult (no surprise there)...the kids are crying...he's yelling and one of the boys says "I want Mommy!!"

I am trying to will my body to move, I can't get up, I feel like a led weight. I can't do it. Until I hear my husband yell "Well Mommy's not coming because she's all doped up!!! Well let me tell you folks...that got the adrenaline pumping!!! I crawled off the couch and stumbled down the hallway in time to greet my two little angels (devils) wrapped in towels and crying. I wanted to be mad and yell at my husband, but on one hand the kids had heard enough yelling, and on the other hand I was still so out of it I couldn't really muster the strength. I took the boys in my room and dressed them and snuggled them in my bed and we watched a movie. Hubby came in later all tears and apologies....which I understand, he was frustrated and worried about me, the kids were screaming etc etc etc....BUT I was sooooo mad that he said those words to our kids. I mustered enough strength to mumble to him something about never ever talking about me like that to the children again!!!! I am still mad about it today. I know he is remorseful about it...but that sure as hell doesn't erase it.

You know there have been a few times when hubby has spent the day running around with his buddies and come home drunk and the kids are wanting him to do this or do that and he is to sleepy to do anything but zonk out on the couch...I have never EVER, said "Daddy can't play with you now because he's DRUNK!" I would never ever do that. And my issues last night were legit and beyond my control. It fuckin' pissed me off!!!! Arrrggghhhh Ok, I am still mad about it, can you tell?

So anyway back to the new meds....WOW! What do I do? I actually do feel really good today as far as feeling stable. I don't feel like I am teetering at the top of a roller coaster wondering if I am going to go racing down the tracks or stay safe and secure at the top.....I feel level...for lack of a better word. If the 'knock out' effect of the drug would subside, I think this could be a good fit for me. But I can't afford to be knocked out and be a mother at the same time.....I called the doctor, we'll see what he says.

But so far, so good today. My girlfriend Beth took the kids for the morning so I could relax. (Same friend who did all my shopping last week) I am gonna owe that girl big time when she has kids someday!!!!! I have a the best friends in the world!!!

Sins of The Father

My husband is starting to have a little break down of his own. It is no secret to my readers that he and I have not been on the most secure footing in the last several months. I might go so far as to say we were on the brink of disaster. It was easy for me to blame his anger and rage, lack of help, and general bad attitude for all of our problems....however we know there are always two sides to every story don't we? Clearly mine has been spilled out like a jug of wine all over freshly laid carpet.

He is fearing that his shitty attitude in the last several months has 'caused' this to happen to me. I have tried to explain that this would have happened regardless of who I was with, where I was or what I was doing. This is a chemical reaction in the brain. A ticking time bomb that just picked this particular time to explode. Did the extra stress in my life rush the explosion along? Perhaps...but it would have happened someday. I told him perhaps God allowed this to happen now, rather than a year from now when we might have destroyed our family and given up hope on each other....While it's horrible to be going through this, the one bright spot is that there is no denial now that we belong together.

He admits he has been less than wonderful in the last few months. Clearly I have to put myself in his shoes and wonder just how wonderful I myself have been also....I feel bad that he feels guilty over this. Has he been shitty? Yes....Did that make me sick? No. Can both of us recognizing our shortcomings repair this relationship? Absolutely. I think it already has.

I Am The Egg Shell

Suddenly I am the basket case that my family is afraid to disrupt.....let's face it, for a day or so it was nice to not be bothered with the kids fussing and squabbling, especially while I was lost in my darkness hiding under the covers. But I am feeling better today, and it seems that my husband is afraid to let me do anything remotely stressful. God Bless Him for that....but I am starting to feel like a newborn or something. I finally tried to gently tell him that I am not going to fall apart if the kids start screaming...I will not keel over and die...and I have to get back into the real world and live my life, sick or not. I am not going to hide out in my bedroom forever, although it's a tempting thought...but I am a mother first. I will find a way to take care of myself AND take care of them. I haven't had any anxiety attacks today and am starting to feel a little less gloomy. I have had a headache for the last 3 days that just won't go away though...I don't know if that is a residual affect of my brain exploding or what (yes, I jest)...and I did take a 3 1/2 hour nap with the kids...but I am feeling more like myself today.

I am still not keen on venturing out of the house yet. I would like to go to the church picnic tomorrow, but I just don't think I can. People expect the "Perky" girl, the sociable jabber box who has hugs and smiles for everyone...I am not that person right now. Perhaps I am an egg shell after all....

MIL Madness

I realize that some of this could be a symptom of my illness...but I cannot stop obsessing over the words my MIL spoke to me last night and how much they have hurt. She wasn't mean about it...it's just the fact that she said them at all. And now I feel as if I have no outlet...no reprieve...when the kids are more than I can take and I need a few hours to recoup...I am out of options. The fact that she says she 'has no life' over this just tears out my gut. She works part time, and I know that having the kids one evening a week and on Saturday mornings does eat up a lot of her time...but I had no idea I was causing her such 'grief'. It's all I can think about this morning and the tears just keep coming. I keep trying to figure out an alternative. A way to give up some of my jobs without bankrupting us. Obviously at some point the day care is going to have to go. But I have two pregnant mommies counting on me, a new baby supposed to start next month....and what do I say???? WTF do I say????

And what do I say to her??? I love her. She is the mother of my husband. We have our problems...no doubt...but I don't want to hurt her. And even if I did choose to bring this up and how badly it hurt me, it will be blamed on my illness. In fact from now on every issue we ever have from here on out will be blamed on my illness. That is her MO...all her issues with her husband get blamed on his drinking, issues with my husband get blamed on his 'sensitivity' etc....it's never her fault, and now everyone has the ultimate ammunition against me. Which sounds a bit paranoid...but not untrue. My side of the family is used to dealing with mental illness....his family, mmm not so much. Although there have been several suicides back in the family tree, so they aren't completely free from the demon.

I am writing her a letter I fully intend to NOT give to her. Maybe it will at least make me feel a bit better. She will chalk them up to the ramblings of a madwoman....maybe they are.

The Verdict is in....drum roll please....

Bipolar Disorder....who's shocked? Let me see a show of hands?!

Yeah yeah...I knew it all along, didn't we talk about this about 2 months ago? I'm the dumbass who talked myself out of the appointment. I am feeling better after talking to my doctor. I have been given medication to get the panic attacks under control and my Cymbalta has been upped temporarily to try to lift me out of this episode. But I have to admit I am feeling much better tonight. Just purging it all to my doctor helped tremendously. He chastised me for using the terms "nuts" "crazy" "whack job" "psycho" etc...clearly he doesn't appreciate my humor! LOL! But he confirmed what I suspected all along. Now I am being moved along to a head shrinker to get the in depth scoop. I will know more about that appointment tomorrow. It may be a month or so before I get in, as long as I have no 'scary feelings'....but I already feel like a burden has been lifted from me. It is in God's hands now and I have faith that by taking control of this and reigning it in, I will be just fine.

My only heartache tonight comes from the conversation we had with my Mother in Law tonight. I felt that we might as well tell her because she is so involved in our lives that the 'migraine' story was only going to last so long. She is aware of my struggle with depression, but she's not exactly of the generation that approves of medicating oneself for 'simply being down in the dumps'....you know the type. Well first let me give you a brief family history. My mother suffered from schizoaffective disorder - bipolar type which is NOT the same as simply having bipolar disorder. Her world was riddled with paranoid delusions and hallucinations of the most frightening forms. I couldn't have her at my wedding because she was convinced someone was coming to murder me there....you get the picture.

Hubby and I take MIL aside and quietly tell her the news. Her first reaction is this "I was just telling (insert sister-in-law's name) that I thought that's what was wrong with you...because of your mom and everything...." This of course instantly made me feel vulnerable and weak...the family has been talking about me? About my mental health? Hubby and I were both quick to explain that what I am suffering from is in no way the same thing. But I couldn't resist asking her why in the world they would be discussing my mental health? What had I done or said that gave them reason to talk about it? She informed me that because I have her watch our kids so often....she felt used....she has no life because of it....etc....She watches the kids a few evenings a week here and there, and on Saturday mornings when I work. She lives 1 mile down the road...I had no idea I was robbing her of her 'life'. I was crushed. What little relief I had gotten at the doctor's office had suddenly been stomped back down to the depths of despair...Hubby was upset about it too, and the first thing he said when we got into the car to leave was that he was sorry. She has a knack for bad timing and bad wording...and it's always always in a manner that it hurtful, even when you know she doesn't mean to hurt you. But I am very hurt. I am fighting the compulsion to write a letter and send her all my research on schizoaffective disorder...because believe you me I have TONS! I researched it to the bone before I had children, I feared I would develop it or pass it to my kids. I have come to the conclusion that most doctors do not believe that it is hereditary, unlike bipolar disorder, which is. But to be compared to the psychosis my mother suffered was devastating for me. To hear that people in my husband's family were comparing me to her made me want to vomit. They witnessed some pretty horrifying things when my mother was alive, and now I fear they are just waiting for me to loose my marbles, running around naked trying to save the world from sin, and start hallucinating.....

If I know anything at all...I know I am not psychotic! I am not her. I am not suicidal, and never have been. I don't hear voices. I don't hallucinate or have delusions of grandeur. It hurt to be compared to her in such a manner. I know the best thing to do is just let it go. But clearly I have a hard time with that...I think the 'mania' side of my disorder probably lends to that. I am anxious to meet with the psychiatrist and find out my actual diagnosis. I don't believe that I am a rapid cycling patient, but only a doctor can tell me that. Either way I am ready to take on the task of getting better. But now I hesitate to ask my husband's family to help with the children while I try to do what is necessary to get help. I don't have many other options when it comes to childcare.....I feel trapped now. I have apparently made her feel used. I was prepared to hear at some point in time how my illness may have hurt people in the last few months...just not 45 minutes after the actual diagnosis.

And for the record the shrink may disagree with this diagnosis too. This is just a preliminary diagnosis from my physician. We shall see. The good news, for now, is that I am starting to feel better. I hope the sunshine returns tomorrow.

P.S. Thank you so much for all the support. You have no idea how much it means to me!

Facing the storm

It’s nighttime, and I feel a bit closer to normal again, much like last night. Today has not been good, and I have been stricken with several panic attacks. They are scaring me. I am anxious to speak to the doctor.

There is a storm moving in and it beckoned me to step outside tonight. I could hear the thunder in the distance and the wind blowing against the house as the lightening lit up the windows. I decided to step out and sit on the porch for a while and watch before the rain settled in. As I sat listening to thick line of trees and woods nearby whoosh and roar with the winds, and the lightening brighten up the sky, I found comfort. The strong wind on my cheeks and my arms, the rumble of thunder creeping closer, and the flash of brightness blinding my eyes, seemed to be whispering to me, or perhaps shouting to me. A reminder from God that all things in nature must endure rough seas, stormy weather and darkness. It felt like a quiet embrace between my maker and I, assuring me that I will be ok. Watching the nature surrounding me shiver and bend to the will of the winds, I felt a little less alone. The outdoors seemed to be presenting me a mirror of the turmoil in my soul.

I sat there calmly, feeling better for the first time in a while, trying to envision the winds and the rain carrying my darkness away with them, praying for sunshine tomorrow.

I have a Dr. appointment in the afternoon. Hubby is going with me. We both need to hear what the doctor has to say, and I think it will do him some good to get some insight from the doc about what this is really like and help him understand. I can’t say enough about how much support he has been in the last 24 hours. He stayed home from work today…..and never once rolled his eyes or seemed irritated by the fact that I never left the bed. He sat with me some, took care of the kids, and promised me it would all be better soon…..I believe him. And I believe in me. I have survived far worse storms in my life…depression will never get the best of me.

The Crash

There was no doubt it was coming, it hit hard. Hard enough that I found myself closing the daycare for a few days and making an appointment with my Dr. I hesitate to even write this because, while my blog is somewhat anonymous....it's not really. It's not hard to do enough Google searches for my name and not come up with this at some point in time. And I have to confess that I lied to my daycare parents and said I was getting a horrible migraine. I suppose if any of the ever find this blog they will know I lied to them. But how do you explain that you are about to hit the bottom of the ocean mentally for a few days? Is there any way to say "I swear I'm not nuts and your children are completely safe with me...I'm just going to be cracked up for a few days, I am aware of the problem and have made an app. with my Dr...I'll be better in a few days..." Someone who has never had to deal with this, or have a loved one deal with this are not going to understand that. I fear instead they will think I have lost my marbles....maybe I have.

Anyway I am getting side tracked here, which is likely to happen often right now....this crash came with lots of words to be purged. I feel a bit compelled to document this particular wave of darkness. Most of the time I write nothing, no blogs, e-mails to friends, poetry...nothing, I just hide out in my darkness for a few days. Maybe I am tired of hiding. Maybe this is a manic episode.....???

This started weeks ago, with my worries about my marriage, anxiety about wanting to go back to college, kids kids and more kids, and all the other baggage I carry from my past that always seems to push this pirate ship along. A pirate ship is a good analogy for that....because it just kind of stalks you for a while before it overtakes you and the ship you are sailing on. I have been having more and more anxiety attacks lately. In fact before we even went on our vacation, I was having the vertigo symptoms and the tightening of the chest...but I didn't talk about it, here or anywhere. It's easier to ignore something if you don't acknowledge it.

Today, after having a rough day here at home yesterday, my anxiety level became overwhelming. All the noises of the kids and the energy and activity made me jumpy, nervous and dizzy. I wasn't lying when I called all the parents about a headache, my brain felt like it was going to explode just from trying to hold back this tidal wave until my work day was over. I failed. My husband came home from work early, and I have to give him some well deserved praise tonight. He can hold it together when I am loosing it. I am the one crisis in life he can handle...when he has to. He has only seen me in this particular state a few times. This is one of the worst that I can ever remember. But he takes it seriously and doesn't patronize me or guilt me into crawling out from under the covers....he rubs my back and tries to get me to eat and fields all my phone calls to my friends. Some know and some don't...and he's fine with telling the ones who know that I am having a rough time at the moment...not ashamed to admit his wife is cracking up. It's times like this I know why I want him by my side forever. I can bitch all I want about housework and fighting....but he really came through for me tonight.

Now the house is quiet and everyone is asleep. This is the most comfortable I have felt all day. Possibly because I am sedated. But there is something about the night time that is easier for people who are in a depressed state. I think most anyone who has suffered from depression will agree with that. We are the insomniacs glued to the infomercials at night because it's easier to be dark of mood when it's dark of night. It's easier to be cynical and shitty when the rest of the world is asleep. Sunshine and daytime noises make our skin crawl. It's the night time that you feel a bit human again. (or vampirish?? uggh...which then makes you feel crazy again). I have never had a panic attack at night that I can recall. And it's a welcome relief right now that it is finally nighttime, now I just fear tomorrows episode of "Freaked Out Farm Lady".

This is the strangest episode I have had since right after my mom passed away. After her death I somehow stopped crying. I cried for weeks and then they were gone. Tears didn't come, even at times that were appropriate. But for some reason today, much like I was after her death, I am a basket case of tears. I know now that I was also experiencing panic attacks at that time, but had not yet been diagnosed. For the first time since that happened I am suddenly very depressed while also experiencing these attacks. They usually don't coincide for me. Perhaps I am having a nervous breakdown....I have finally lost it.

While I know that rationally that is not what is happening to me, there is that panic creeping up. That long long fear that I have had of going insane like my mother. My Dr. has tried to reassure me time and time again that there is no way I suffer from her disorder...but I think anytime I feel a little off kilter, or fall into a depressed state I fear that this if finally the big one, as if there is going to be some spontaneous combustion in my brain that will create the same monsters in my head that she suffered.

I mentioned that the tears were flowing tonight. They are falling like raindrops from a hurricane. My eyes hurt and burn right now. I keep trying to hide them from the kids, and then crying even harder when I am alone because I feel guilty that they have a fucked up Mom right now. I am the mother who is there 24/7 providing full attention, and suddenly I am a mess. My head is spinning and I can't think because I am having a panic attack, or I am laying in bed staring at nothing, trying to fake a smile make eye contact with them when they walk in...(they think I have a headache too...they are too young to deal with the real illness, IMO) So then when they leave I cry into my pillow even harder because it hurts to muster up the strength to fake it and it hurts that my kids have to know this as a reality in their life. Their Mom suffers from clinical depression...maybe bipolar, we shall see...and that will forever be a fact in their lives. I hope that by being pro-active in my health care and curbing a crisis like this one ASAP I can prevent them from having to see what I saw growing up...seeing a few tears on Mommy's face is a far cry from some of the shit I saw, heard and witnessed.

Anxiety is creeping up on me pretty bad as I write this one last little bit. If I am diagnosed as bipolar, am I going to loose my day care license? Great...one more thing to freak out about. Gotta go cry now.....

I should have kept the July 8th appointment, I know some of you are thinking that too...we saw this coming....next time I will go with my gut.

Watching the Tide

It's like watching a tidal wave race toward the shore and your feet are stuck in the sand...heavy, like a concrete blocks. You want to run away from it, find shelter and safety, but all you can do is stand there and wait, knowing it's going to hit, and hurt, and swallow you. The best you can do is try to remember to hold your nose and not to panic.

That's what depression feels like for me. Sometimes I don't see it coming, it just hits like a speeding car into a brick wall...but other times, like right now, the storm brews and the winds increase and I can see the waves getting higher and higher until suddenly that huge, disastrous wave comes barrelling towards me. I am about to be hit. Hard. Depression is rearing it's ugly head to me and I am bracing for the assault. I can feel my defenses gearing up, my emotions retreating and pulling away, the walls going up to try and protect myself in some ridiculously desperate way. Tears well up, and I suck them back, refusing to be weak and let them go. Knowing this does more harm than good...but it has been my defense mechanism since I was a child.

Oddly enough a book put me over the edge. I have been struggling for months with issues I have discussed here, and some I never discuss with anyone...but I bought The Heroin Diaries by Nikki Sixx after listening to his band rock out in St. Louis a week ago. Reading his struggle with depression and addiction and the anger and abandonment he felt from his childhood seemed to stir up some really really dark things inside me. Things I hate to face. Things I refuse to acknowledge. Things I think I pretend didn't really happen to me.

I have always felt that good literature stirs up your emotions, gets you out of your comfort zone...I never expected to put this rock and roll diary in that category...but I am a mess at the moment. White Oleander did this to me as well....forced me to deal with some shit I've swallowed down and tucked away somewhere deep in my soul. Common sense would tell me that I need therapy to learn to deal with my past, perhaps the waves of depression would subside a bit....but then there is my brain telling me I can't deal with it and can't dredge it all up again. I fear that doing that would end my sanity. For good. Maybe I am insane, who fucking knows.....

I'll be back when I am feeling better...or if I feel worse...who knows. Sometimes writing helps. Sometimes there are no words. But the crash is coming, I can feel it. This will be a bad week.

Heartsick and Happy

Well here's the cake in it's final glory....it has been hacked into and digested now...lovely thought huh? The 'wedding' was beautiful as my grandparents renewed their vows. The minister commented that when talking to them and their family he discovered the amazing fact that they have never been cross with one another or ever wanted to spend time away from each other. When he asked "How can this be....after 55 years together?"

Their answers were simple. Grandpa said that her happiness was all that ever mattered to him. She was the woman of his dreams. Grandma said that she never lacked for anything with him, she was always content. He made sure she was happy and taken care of, and in turn she did the same thing for him. 55 years of that. They cried through the whole ceremony and still looked like teenagers in love.

It made me proud and heartsick at the same time. Proud to be an honorary member of a family that was created out of so much love. Sick, that I may be destined to a life of anger and loneliness within my own marriage. Another weekend spent distant and fighting.....I can tell he is going to resist, but if we are going to make it, it's going to require professional help. I am looking into that today. He was all for it when he thought I might be giving up...but he's been mum on the subject since then. Sometimes I don't know if I have it in me to put forth the effort it's going to require. But my children are my life, and it's worth it for their sake, so I have to muster the strength somehow. And I know he loves me, he says I am his life and his world and he can't live without me...but somehow those words only appear at the most desperate of times. They were nowhere to be found when I was busting my ass cleaning house yesterday and trying to deal with the children while he sat on his butt for 12 hours watching TV. It was one of those nights that I found myself fantasizing about the frying pan and his head....LOL! Ok not really, but becoming a screaming raving lunatic sure loooked like a real possibility. I wish I had some magic answer....

The Fairy Tale Lies We Believe....

It's wedding cake time again. Another little side job I have that I love love love...except when there are 7 kids in the the house. I usually close the daycare and get a sitter for my own kids when I tackle a cake, but this one is small and simple, so I figured I could handle it.....ha, what an idiot!

The cake is actually for a ceremony to renew my Grandparents wedding vows. They have been married 55 years. They are not my biological grandparents, but they took me in as a teen and taught me what a real family should be. I still live close to them and they are very much a part of my and my children's lives. They are the perfect example of what real, true and lasting love is all about. I know few people who have a love like theirs, including myself. Their's is a fairy tale that seems impossible to believe. It's one of those loves that is still so visible and electric, even after all these years. Their smiles and looks and affection for each other betrays their continuing passion. After 55 years.....it's truly amazing to me. So as a celebration for their anniversary we all decided to throw them a wedding! They laughed and cheered and thought it was a grand idea. So today my house smells like wedding cake....yum.

Hubby and I have a conflict regarding this ceremony. One of his friends is getting married on the same day. So we decided that he would go to his buddy's wedding, I would go to Grandma and Grandpa's with the kids then meet up with him at the buddy's reception later. For the last few days he has been growly and distant...even after my attempts at a nice meal last night - which we sat through silently....finally he says to me last night that "you've been mad ever since I told you I was going to *buddy's* wedding instead of your Grandma's"....folks I swear it didn't bother me one bit. I thought it was the perfect solution, this way we are representing our family at both events....I was fine with it.....but he assumed I was going to be mad about it...so he projected that assumption on me as if it were a fact. Didn't we just go through this with the "job change discussion"???? I am so tired of being accused of having feelings I don't have....tired of him assuming I feel something, so it must be true....don't ask me how I feel, just assume I am silently hating you for it. Nice.....

Then there is that which you desire most....

Robert Frost so wisely wrote "Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired"....were truer words ever spoken regarding love and lovers?

Madame de Stael wrote in her famous letters "The desire of the man is for the woman, the desire of the woman is for the desire of the man"

Why are women so complicated? And furthermore, why didn't God give men the tools to crack our complicated codes? Sometimes it feels like the man I share my life with could care less to even look for the tool box anymore, and sometimes I feel like perhaps I am too complicated for him, or anyone else for that matter, to bother.

Do you think men like Robert Frost, who seemed to understand the depths of the human soul with those 9 simple words, sat on his butt watching TV all day on Sundays? LOL!

But then again this is also the man who wrote "It's funny thing that when a man has nothing on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married." Maybe they are too busy 'worrying' about us to desire us....

Tonight I made home made lasagna, garlic bread and pie, everyone knows that's the way to make a man happy right.....still scowls and growls all over the house...I wasn't looking for romance, maybe just a smile....I need a sabbatical....a sabbatical in Tahiti!!