Hello Again!!

Well it seems as if there is some renewed interest in this blog! I have received some e-mail request for my private blog and those invitations will be sent out this morning I promise. To some of my old readers who didn't follow me into my own private world I guess I should update you on me these days. As usually I am a mixed bag of drama...you know we can't ever have any fucking peace and quiet. My bipolar disorder is well under control finally, which is awesome! I have only had the lightest of swings, the highs which kick in my creativity even more and the lows that just make me a bit blah and bury my nose in a book.

The bad news is I have developed a bladder disease called Interstitial Cystitis...I let you wiki that cause it's too complicated to explain but it is very painful and has severely limited my mobility. It also severely limits my diet....SEVERELY. I have lost 80 pounds. Normally one would celebrate this (Yay! I secretly am - weighing less than I did when I got married just rocks in my book!) but my husband and doctors are not pleased. The weight came off rather rapidly in the beginning which caused it's own mixed bag of health problems. But I am making the effort now to maintain the weight I am at. Especially until surgery time which is August 10th. I need to be as healthy as I can for that. Ok boys cover your eyes cause it's girly stuff but I am having a hysterectomy, a TVI bladder implant and a bladder biopsy. Once we get the biopsy results we will know how to further proceed with bladder treatment. So far all treatments we have tried have only been mildly effective. Unfortunately some people never get relief from the pain....wonderful. Pain meds tend to increase my depressive side, so I try to avoid them. A heating pad works the best, but words ofo warning if you use a heating pad 24/7 (I know I know but you don't understand the PAIN) You develop lovely purplish brown splotches all over the skin. Internal burns. They don't hurt, so I continue doing that but I know it's horrifying to look out. Supposedly it WILL go away if I give up the heating pad for a month or two.

The kids are going great, the oldest starts Kindergarten this year. I have mixed emotions. Part of me is ready for him to be gone all day (bad mommy) just to ease some stress but part of me is shocked that I actually have a child in school! Real school!

So you might ask how have I been occupying my time?? Don't laugh....ok you can laugh. Twitter!! I am heavily involved in a role playing series for The Anita Blake Vampire Hunter Series if you are familiar with it. It started out as creating a character for myself that is intended to be prototype for a novel I am working on. HOWEVER, it boomed, and in true Jada fashion I had go overboard. I secretly play several characters in the series. Including a bisexual vampire, a gay man, two lesbian werewolves and wereleopard.....he they don't call me crazy for nothing :0)~ But on the flip side it keeps me writing everyday without have to put a lot of effort into it. It is spontaneous but not as stressful as trying to create the art that is piece of original fiction. It's almost like cheating...reading the Cliff notes instead of reading the book. I get to write on a daily basis with very little effort or brain power on my part. I just write what comes to me and what is appropriate to my character. My favorite character by part is a completely slutty wealthy woman...who secretly has a big heart and a horrible childhood. My therapist says I "get my inner freak on" with her. She's right!!! I love it. And she is a huge part of me. Just not a part I can freely be...

Ok this is probably a page long by now, but you know how much I like to talk. The offer still stands as in my previous post. tryingtosurvive101@gmail.com is the place to request an invitation to the private blog. Tell me who you are, a little about yourself and why you are interested in my blog. Most of my readers followed me there, but if you are just stumbling upon this old blog for the first time and enjoy it, drop me a line and I'll let you deeper into the REAL me. Bwaahahahahahah!

Impaling Palin

Can I just be completely un-liberated, anti-feminist, and chauvinistic for a moment? This thought has been bothering me about Sarah Palin. If you are such a wonderful mother, such a wonderful human being....why wouldn't you pass up the nomination for VP to take care of your 17 year old daughter, who is going to need your support and attention now more than any other time in her life? This is strictly my opinion but if my daughter were pregnant I would be completely focused on figuring out how to help and teach her how to be responsible for this child. As a candidate she is completely unavailable and unfocused on her family. As VP she would be the same. This bothers me. I understand ambition. I have plenty of my own. But if she was that awesome, the offer would have come around again sometime......wouldn't you think it would be better to focus on the problems you have in your own home?

I welcome a debate on this, what do ya'll think. I like her spunk, I disagree with her on almost every issue and I hate that she has flip flopped on so many things, but that's every politician. But this thought about her pregnant teenage daughter keeps popping in my head. Why would you abandon your family when they need you the most? Is power really that important? Even the thought at the chance of being the leader of the free world is not enough to make me toss my kids aside to further my career. Now think about this long and hard before you slam me. I am not saying she doesn't love her kids. But there is no way she is going to be around to help with that baby.....is Bristol going to be left to learn about parenting with a Nanny and her Dad? As a mother myself, helping with life changing milestones are some of the things I look forward to (and also dread) the most.......Just my opinion, but I think she has made a bad call for her family, a choice fueled by being power hungry.

Couches in Heaven

Going on filed trip to see some apple trees
To learn about the blossoms and the birds and the bees
Ain’t it just a fine time,
Finally get to go somewhere
Find out the elastic is shot in your underwear

Yes it was a Pre-K field trip today, and YES I was pulling my underwear up all day. I hadn’t noticed that they had apparently seen better days when I got dressed this morning. Ugghhh. So anyhoo apple picking and a “Mommy Date”, it was a great day. River and I went to McD’s where I tried to be as patient as I could as he slowly ate….one French fry at a time….dipping each bite in ketchup….checking to make sure each bit had the proper amount of ketchup….re-dipping if it didn’t. I eat like a NASCAR driver drives on the interstate, I just can’t help it. I think I am so used to eating on the run or scarfing down meals to tend to other things that I forget there are times when I can just relax and actually taste my food.

So River has been asking a lot about death lately. I was expecting this. We recently put autumn flowers on my Mother’s grave and he desperately wants to understand the concept. Where is she? Why is she not here? Why do we go to that place? (cemetery) I have been prepared for this and figured I would try to handle it as nonchalantly as I can. I tell her she is in heaven, she doesn’t live in this world anymore. I tell him the cemetery is just a place where we put pretty rocks up to remember them and we put flowers on it to keep the rocks pretty. I figure once we have to face an actual burial I will get into the rest of all that, but for now no way, he worries too much as it is. He asks the funniest questions about Mom and heaven:

Does she have legs?
Is it hard to walk there?
Do they have chairs?
Is she a little girl there?
Can she eat hot dogs?

I always try to answer in the best way I know how.

Yes she has legs just like me and you.
No it’s not hard to walk there.
Yes they have chairs, I bet they even have couches and rocking chairs and bean bags.
I bet she can be whatever she wants to be in heaven. If she wakes up one day and wants to be a little girl she can be.
I bet she can eat all the hot dogs she wants.

His answer to all of these……."They have COUCHES there???!!!! That’s SUPER COOL MOM!"

The Interview

*theme to Rocky playing in the background* Ok so I had the interview for the new job yesterday. I threw on some decent clothes after cleaning the kitchen and mopping the kitchen floor...nothing like a little sweat to go with your lip gloss...I figured it would give me that youthful glow....LMAO!

So on the drive there it occurs to me that I am not a bit nervous. Why? Because I have never interviewed for a job that I did not get. My confidence and personality can usually get me in the door to any place I have wanted to go so far.... So perhaps I walked into this a bit arrogant....or grandiose in BPD speak LOL! Well the interview went fabulous! However there are many more applicants, and many who have more education than me.....so I am not going to hold my breath. :0( But I told the interviewer (who I know quite well anyway) that I AM the person for this job, I am perfect for it , don't tell anyone I said this....ssssshhhhhhhh.... she kind of agreed!!! Yay! BUT IT'S NOT UP TO HER! It's actually going to be up to the state....so we shall see.

One very exciting aspect of the job, should I get it is that I will get to go away for a week....a WHOLE WEEK by myself, stay in a hotel, have my meals paid for, hotel paid for, and attend training seminars. It looks like it might be Chicago which would be fabulous! I've never been there. I plan on getting my country butt out to see the city! And I know this sounds nuts, but for me, getting to do it sans family is just a dream....I can do what I want, when I want, eat where I want, sleep when I want (well within reason of course) but just to be ALONE for a while sounds like heaven. She asked me "I know your kids are young, is this going to be a problem for you" it was all I could do not to say "HELL NO! Can I leave today?!" In reality I know I will have a hard time being away from the kids that much, I didn't last more than 2 days on our anniversary trip...... but to have some time to myself sounds like a dream! And I think it would do Daddy some good to see what it's really like to do the bulk of the work around here! Although I am sure he will just ask his Mommy to do it....

If they should decide they are going to consider me for the job I will get called for a second interview. Keep you fingers, toes, and nose hairs crossed! I want this job! I am perfect for this job, and it is perfect for ME!

That's Right! I am the MAN!!!

Not to be confused with I am a man because that would be an entirely different blog, requiring a whole other cabinet full of medicine...but anyhoo....

I was be bopping around the kitchen, trying to relieve some anxiety. I am anxious about the possibility of a new job and I think I am made more anxious by a scheduled increase in my meds. So I am cooking. Cooking is cathartic for me....especially baking pies...and let's face it, eating them might as well be tranquilizer in a bottle so tonight it's rhubarb. It's just as easy to make two as it is to make one so I made two, one for my neighbor, who unknowingly rescued me from a dinner disaster!

I was planning ahead, thinking spaghetti would be quick and easy and I could use it for lunch tomorrow and supper Saturday night when Daddy has the kids and I am working at the tavern....hamburger made, water boiling, ready to go....no pasta sauce...what's a girl to do? I scour the cupboards. Tomato soup, homemade juice and stewed tomatoes is all I've got! Hmmmmmm...what the hell we'll give it a whirl...so with the help of my neighbor's recent gift of fresh dried oregano and basil, two cans of soup, 1/2 a quart of juice, a can of stewed tomatoes, a little onion powder, garlic powder, salt pepper, and sugar I made some damn fine pasta sauce!!!! The kids LOVED it......Yes folks, I am the Man!!!

Sweet Relief!!!

River came bee boppin' off the bus telling me all about the 'Hot Dog' song and how he colored an apple and sat with Allison on the ride home on the bus......I called his teacher a bit ago and she said that he didn't fuss for long. Yay!!!!!!!! I feel so much better.

Hard Day....

I am getting my baby ready for pre-school this morning....Whaaaaaaa!!! Do I have to do this? I am trying to be 'super excited' and not show my feelings because he is very sensitive. I don't want to plant any extra anxiety in his head. But inside I am crying.

I am going to go make him a special treat for breakfast, Toaster Strudel. I usually steer clear of 'junk food' breakfast, but I figured today we could celebrate his special day with something gooey and covered in icing!

Strange Summer

For the first time in all the years that I have been a farm wife, I am putting sweet corn up for the winter...in SEPTEMBER! Late August is the latest I can every remember doing that and that was usually what we call 'soup corn'...the corn that is more mature and tough, the last of the crop out of the garden that isn't as sweet or tasty as the early crop. I just cut off and put up 15 quarts of corn and it occurred to me as I wrote 9-1-08 on the bags that I had never had to date them for September before! Everyone is in the same boat this year, just now canning tomatoes and putting up the rest of their garden bounty. The Flood we suffered this spring set crops back significantly. In fact in my last post I have a pic of my boys harvesting wheat in July. That is usually done in early to mid-June. It's been a strange summer indeed. (In more ways than one LOL!) But we have had a much cooler summer this year than I can ever remember, that is a blessing!

Well River starts pre-K tomorrow and mom and dad are having a hard time with the though of our little man going to school. It seems like only yesterday he was a chubby bundle of joy at my breast. Now he is a smart mouth know it all 4 year old...oh did I just say that out loud? LOL I meant he is a bright, energetic, and strong willed 4 year old! Tomorrow is going to be a hard day. Pray for me!

Little Boys with BIG TOYS....

If you look closely in this pic you will see my sons riding shotgun to cut wheat as their Uncle Roscoe (no not his real name, but the name he answers to) drives the combine. They were just in hog heaven! Obviously the date on the camera is waaaaaay off, it was my MIL's camera, but this was taken in early July. They had so much fun, and I just love this pic so much I had to share it (I've actually been meaning to post it for quite some time, but kept forgetting...imagine that!)! It's moments like these that make me happy to be raising my kids in the country!

Ok maybe Goddess was too strong of a word......

My freaking arms are killing ME! Geez Louise...how do people use a weed eater every week? Granted I had more than just your average weeds around the house to contend with....I practically weeded the whole farm like any certified manic chick would do...but Good God I am in PAIN today!!!!

On a totally different note...I applied for a job. I sent my resume in for a job opening locally as a Parent Educator. It's only 27 hours a week, but would pan out to be a little more pay than I am making now at home and I could make my own hours. So if I were to the job, it is my hope that I could just work three 9 hour days T, W, TH and then have M, F home with my boys. I am excited, I have no idea if I will get the job or not, but it's a job I have wanted for quite a while. My oldest son participated in a program through this organization due to a speech delay and he loved having his 'teacher' come out every other week! That is what my job would consist of, visiting families on a regular basis for children who are at risk for developmental delays and working with parents to better their skills in dealing with the child's needs...among other duties. Keep your fingers crossed for me. This may be my way out of doing home day care while not having to totally give up my SAHM status. Yes I will be away from them 3 days a week, but lately that doesn't seem like such a bad thing. If that makes me a bad Mama so be it.....

Another big bonus is that it will get my foot in the door with this organization so that perhaps I can get a full time job with them at some point. In addition they offer tuition reimbursement for employees who want to further their education...HELLO....it might be a while before I qualify for all that, but this is an organization I could see myself making a career out of. If I get the job. I am not exactly what they were hoping for, it is my understanding that they are hoping for someone with a Bachelor's degree. But I have a many years experience in the Early Childhood Development field, and I have certification to be a Child Care Director for any facilities in Illinois an I have served in those positions before, so I have many years of experience behind me...if not the actual education. In my opinion experience often outweighs textbook learning ten times over!

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Good News Good News Good News!!!!

He woke up!! He woke up at 5:30 this morning! He doesn't remember anything, and they still don't have a lot of answers, but the most important thing at this point is that he is awake!!! I firmly believe in the power of prayer and we did a lot of it last night!

River, my 4 year old, has the Catholic meal prayer committed to memory...so that is the prayer he recited last night to pray for Curtis. Then he asked his Daddy how Curtis was going to hear the prayer...Daddy explained that God would hear the prayer and take care of Curtis....then River asked Daddy a very important question about God...."What is he wearing?" That was a question Daddy didn't have an answer for.....

Dr. Dan the Man

Well it's official. And it is Bipolar. Bipolar II to be exact, less severe than Bipolar I which is a good thing. I really like my Doctor...we'll call him Dr. Dan. Who at the moment is known as Dan the Man...mostly just cause I like the sound of it, but also because I feel relieved and hopeful about the future. There's a lot of work to do, and we will be trying out new medicine, which might be a journey all it's own. But tonight I feel confident that someone who knows what they are doing is taking charge of my care. No offense to my family practitioner, he is awesome as well...but in his own words "I ain't that kind of doc!".

So Dr. Dan listened to me jabber on and on about my life for a while.....funny how when you try the hardest not to sound crazy your words start spitting out of you like a machine gun and you sound like a raving lunatic. I have had some trouble in the last few weeks speaking my thoughts clearly. Dr. Dan said that is caused by one of my meds....that med is going and another is being reduced. Maybe I won't feel like such a foggy mess by this time next week.

Oh and by the way there was no dark velvet couch...however...there were comfy velveteen chairs. Ha! I almost laughed out loud when I walked in.

Anyhoo, Dr. Dan gave me some interesting facts about Bipolar Disorder. He said that 9 out of 10 patients who are diagnosed as having BPD are actually misdiagnosed. But he said "You, my dear, are a classic true case of Bipolar II"...ok he didn't say 'my dear' that was simply for dramatic flair...:0)~

He also took the time to bring my husband in and help me reinforce the facts about BPD and the fact that I have no control over the mood swings. I was able to express to my husband in a neutral environment how hard it is on me to swing from one end of the spectrum to the other. I am not totally convinced that he will heed all the advice and facts, but at least he has been given them. I can only control myself, I am done trying to smooth things over for everyone else. I have my hands full with my own crazy ass right now!

Stay tuned...we're in for an interesting ride.

Oh just a funny note to make you chuckle. My two year old was watching me get dressed for bed tonight and he said "Mommy...I see your nickles!!" I wanted to tell him he will be fascinated with those damn things (nipples) for the rest of his life! MEN.....

I finally said NO!

For the first time in a long time I decided to politely unload my plate of several of it's responsibilities. I called the pregnant Mommies who are expecting in Jan and Feb and informed them that I would not be taking on any new children, and that instead I would be focusing on my education. I will still have two full time children here, plus my own, and two after school kids. After my day with the baby yesterday (which went great actually!) I decided that adding two more babies to this mix would be horrible for me. Stress is clearly a trigger for meltdowns for me, and I need to be pro-active in avoiding it. The 'old me' felt like I could juggle anything and would have gladly taken on a housefull of babies, a college curriculum and my regular 24/7 job of Mommy...in addition to the tavern, the bank, and sewing. God who the hell did I think I was fooling? People used to ask me all the time "How do you DO ALL THIS?" and I just used to smile. Living in Mania Land.....Oh that was such a happy place...

It is clear to me now that I am slowly killing myself. And think I am running from myself. Keeping myself so busy, kept me from having to deal with ME....and I knew I was cracking up. I have felt it for months. Well...no more. I am not putting myself in that position anymore. Obviously hubby and I both want me to still be a SAHM, but if we can't make the budget work with a smaller workload we will have to figure something else out. I put my notice in at the bank, a looooong notice, and basically told them I want out by the end of the year. (It will take every bit of that amount of time before the boss man gets the gumption to actually try to hire someone), and I am reducing my workload at the tavern. I have to be realistic. I am only one person. And I am allowed to say No. I am not Superwoman.....despite my sparkly underpants and funky boots....

A Very Good Day Indeed

Well I think I may have discovered the secret to combining my meds at the right time of the day to prevent the zombie effects. Remember the pharmaceutical phreak out day? Yeah...well the proper dose of my antidepressants make me feel like I have shot a speed ball into my veins and the proper dose of my BP meds make me feel like I have just been given pre-operative anesthesia....I had stopped taking the high dose of the antidepressant because I could NOT handle the 'speed' effects. And I have been struggling with finding the right time of day to take the BP meds because I am so damn sleepy...which was resulting in NOT taking them at the proper time each day. Soooooo I took a chance yesterday and just took both drugs, two pills of each (my current prescribed dose) *gulp* and hoped for the best. I was hoping that perhaps the two side effects would cancel each other out.....it worked! Actually I probably had just enough of the 'upper' effect to become the Energizer Bunny for the day. My house is clean clean clean, I did 6 loads of laundry, 4 of which got hung outside, AND I folded and put them all away (I have a bad habit of leaving baskets full of clean laundry unattended).....All 4 beds got clean linens, all the bills got paid (a few of them a bit late....) all the bathrooms scrubbed, dishes done, and my neighbor stopped in with a gallon of blackberries, so I made two blackberry cobblers too.....hubby took the boys to grandma's to deliver one to them in the evening, and I got to spend two hours ALONE...in the bathtub, watching soap operas! :0)~

It was a great day. A very low stress day, despite all the activity. I think having the older kids back at school was the real magic pill.

Today I have a baby coming, and we are all excited. He is a friend's little boy and they needed a back up sitter today. The only plans on the agenda today are to play play play! Babies and toddlers are my comfort zone as far as kids go. I worked for several years as an Assistant Director for a daycare facility in town and I had the infant room. 4 babies all day...most people thought I was nuts...I loved it. It was a dream job (except for the pay)...and the best birth control on the planet!!! :0)~

Ok so I am still grounded so any of you that have sent me e-mails, for some reason my connection is balking at that more than it is at being on Blogger...so leave me a message here if it is urgent. Thanks again for all the support ya'll! And I promise I will catch up on all your blogs as soon as I get 'ungrounded'...I am having Blog Withdrawal. I wonder if they make a pill for that too? LOL!!

Auuugghhhh I'm Grounded!!!

So it seems my affection for gay porn has caused my internet service provider to limit my acess to the internet....ok, yes I am kidding....I upload too many pictures of my kids and download too much music..which of course I forgot my service has a cap on. If you go over the limit you fall to the bottom of the priority list on getting connection speeds. Sooooo the only time I can get online right now is early in the morning and late at night...ugggghhhh This will last until my 'usage' falls below the 'limit'. I hate being told what to do!!!

I am going to be blogging in Word and then pasting for the next thirty days LOL! I can see myself crawling out of bed at 3 a.m. to post a blog.....ok no I can't, I like sleep too much...so if you don't hear from me on an ultra regular basis don't panic....I'm just grounded. I've been a bad girl and hogged too much 'bandwith'.....

So our trip to Red Hill State Park was heavenly. The kids had a blast. We hiked and hiked and climbed hills, crawled over fallen logs, pointed out deer runs and prayed for no poison ivy. Did I mention the kids had fun? Did I mention that I went to bed at 8 p.m. last night? LOL! OMG I was so tired. See we had so much fun hiking that we just kept going.....and then in finally occurs to me that we are going to have to hike the same distance back. Well with a two year old that proved to be a bit hard on me as I found myself hiking with a 35 pound human backpack...in addition to the actual backpack that I had packed full of a first aid kit, diapers, bug spray etc... Let's just say Miss Jada is hoping today is a quiet day....but I won't get my hopes up!

I have been feeling some setbacks in the last two days regarding my moods. It's not depression, just melancholy. I think the stress of having all the kids back is a big trigger for me. But I just have to get through the next 3 days. I can do that....I hope. Yesterday was the day I was supposed to up my Seroquel dosage, so I did that last night. Perhaps that will help too. I am now on double the dosage I was taking (which is still a relatively small dose compared to what I have read on the internet). I dread the drowsiness, because that has still been somewhat of an issue. I am sure I will be dragging ass today. But I have candy....and I'm not above bribing :0)~

I am considering doing a review here on Seroquel. Mostly because when it was first prescirbed to me I went scouring the net to find patient reviews, opinions and side effects. Since it seems my secret is out anyway I think I will do that sometime soon. So ya'll regular readers can just ignore that post, unless you are comfortable with me talking about cotton mouth and constipation. :0)~ But I know it meant a lot to me find real people's opinions and experiences with the drug. If I can help someone make a decision about getting help, I would be happy to do that. Even if it means talking about poop.

Anyhoo the first set of rugrats are pulling in the driveway so I have to go put my 'daycare' hat on! Have a great day!

Busted!!!!

Well it seems I have been busted! LOL! Turns out several local folks have discovered my blog...Howdy guys!! It's actually not a bad thing at all, there have been compliments actually, but I better stop talking about my mother in law when I get mad at her! That could be trouble!! Which is a bit of a condundrum because I started this blog so I could feel free to talk about anything. Maybe we can come up with some secret code language...LOL

Well this is my last week with all the school kids and I can't say I am disappointed. This is the first week of having them back since my diagnosis. Let's just say it's very clear to me now that stress is the leading agitator for flare ups! I was very irritable yesterday, and of course they were very rowdy, being back for the first time in two weeks. It was not a good day for me.

Today I have a PLAN. We are headed to Red Hill State Park for the day. I am packing a picnic and a cooler full of bottled water and we are going to go spend the day in the wild! They are excited and so am I. I wanted to do something special for the school kids before they left anyway and this looks like it will be it. I'll bet money there will still be moans and groans of boredom and fussing and fighting amongst them once the excitement wears off when we get there.....uggghhhh I have so much more patience for pre-schoolers and babies. Which is odd, most people are the opposite.

On a bitter sweet note, my special needs child "Johnny" had his last day yesterday. He has started a program that allows him to have a caregiver at home, which saves the parents a lot of money. On one hand it relieves some of the stress on me, as he requires more attention than the rest of this kids (except perhaps my own ultra high strung 4 year old), but on the other hand I just love him to death. He is never lacking in affection and love.....there's not many children who just love you all the time, unconditionally, even when you are having to punish them...but Johnny would never withhold a hug or a kiss if it was offered or requested. He was my love bug! And having him was a great experience for the other kids. They learned so much about acceptance, tolerance, encouragement and respect from having him in their lives. I saw so many changes in my school age kids regarding their view of special needs people this summer. They have learned that he is capable and deserving of every opportunity and experience they are. He was a blessing to all of us. I am hoping he visits me often!!!

Belated Brithday Bash...ok not a Bash...but a MESS!

So I finally felt like celebrating my birthday today so the boys and I made my favorite cake this evening. Angel food with 7 minute icing....no small feat since I don't actually own a double boiler...but being the high tech redneck that I am I always figure out a way to fashion two pots together to make this tasty confection. Of course I add marshmallows to the frosting also...I mean can you really have too much sugar on a cake? I think not! This was the result. It was delightfully sinful!!

And then of course I let the boys dig into to what was left of the frosting....oh my Lord! (Please ignore the messy house and don't laugh at the 'day care rules' taped to the wall behind them...yes I put them in writing!)

Aren't my little devils just adorable?

Picture Parade

Well I didn't come up with anything fascinating to write about because I spent all day looking at gay porn. Ha! I'm joking...kinda....anyway I have been meaning to post a few pics to my blog that are just adorable or hilarious or both. So instead of getting on my soap box about anything or bitching and moaning about my health, I'm gonna post pics! I think I can only do so many per post so this may be split into two we'll see....first off I want to show you all what happens when you let your two you year old dress himself...which I do on a regular basis of course! I fully believe in freedom of expression...as long as we are not leaving the house

Here we have the latest fashion trend in rural America...John Deere socks, dirty white t-shirt and a crocheted cap!

Then of course there is the ultimate in fishing fashion....hat, pajama top, shorts and gum boots!

And then who can resist a little boy and his best friend. Our kitty is growing so fast! River is in love!

I don't think we're in Kansas anymore Toto

So the doc prescribed me some stronger meds...something geared towards Bipolar disorder, even though he intended to wait and let the shrink do that....but I had a massive freak out anxiety attack on Monday and hubby and I decided we better let the Dr. know....so after a long drawn out battle with my insurance company over which drug they would or would not approve for me (isn't it funny how your life always hangs in the balance of your doctor's expert opinion and the opinion of some pencil pusher behind a desk at the insurance company?)

Introducing Seroquel.......all I can say is WOW...ok I also have to say WTF???!!!! Within 30 minutes of taking the pill I can remember telling hubby something along these lines "Wow...I'm weeelly weeeeeelllllyy getting sweeepy...I don't know I can stay awaaaaaaa...." Then BAM...OUT...ZONKED....KNOCKED OUT for 3 hours!!! Hubby was nervous and I guess even checked my pulse a few times....I don't remember anything...it was a bit like the anesthesia you get before surgery....a total trip to Oz.

I was starting to come out of my stupor when my husband, the one I have been bragging about...the one I have been so proud of...the one my faith had been restored in...was having a huge temper tantrum with the kids in the bathroom. Apparently he was giving them a bath and they were being difficult (no surprise there)...the kids are crying...he's yelling and one of the boys says "I want Mommy!!"

I am trying to will my body to move, I can't get up, I feel like a led weight. I can't do it. Until I hear my husband yell "Well Mommy's not coming because she's all doped up!!! Well let me tell you folks...that got the adrenaline pumping!!! I crawled off the couch and stumbled down the hallway in time to greet my two little angels (devils) wrapped in towels and crying. I wanted to be mad and yell at my husband, but on one hand the kids had heard enough yelling, and on the other hand I was still so out of it I couldn't really muster the strength. I took the boys in my room and dressed them and snuggled them in my bed and we watched a movie. Hubby came in later all tears and apologies....which I understand, he was frustrated and worried about me, the kids were screaming etc etc etc....BUT I was sooooo mad that he said those words to our kids. I mustered enough strength to mumble to him something about never ever talking about me like that to the children again!!!! I am still mad about it today. I know he is remorseful about it...but that sure as hell doesn't erase it.

You know there have been a few times when hubby has spent the day running around with his buddies and come home drunk and the kids are wanting him to do this or do that and he is to sleepy to do anything but zonk out on the couch...I have never EVER, said "Daddy can't play with you now because he's DRUNK!" I would never ever do that. And my issues last night were legit and beyond my control. It fuckin' pissed me off!!!! Arrrggghhhh Ok, I am still mad about it, can you tell?

So anyway back to the new meds....WOW! What do I do? I actually do feel really good today as far as feeling stable. I don't feel like I am teetering at the top of a roller coaster wondering if I am going to go racing down the tracks or stay safe and secure at the top.....I feel level...for lack of a better word. If the 'knock out' effect of the drug would subside, I think this could be a good fit for me. But I can't afford to be knocked out and be a mother at the same time.....I called the doctor, we'll see what he says.

But so far, so good today. My girlfriend Beth took the kids for the morning so I could relax. (Same friend who did all my shopping last week) I am gonna owe that girl big time when she has kids someday!!!!! I have a the best friends in the world!!!

I Am The Egg Shell

Suddenly I am the basket case that my family is afraid to disrupt.....let's face it, for a day or so it was nice to not be bothered with the kids fussing and squabbling, especially while I was lost in my darkness hiding under the covers. But I am feeling better today, and it seems that my husband is afraid to let me do anything remotely stressful. God Bless Him for that....but I am starting to feel like a newborn or something. I finally tried to gently tell him that I am not going to fall apart if the kids start screaming...I will not keel over and die...and I have to get back into the real world and live my life, sick or not. I am not going to hide out in my bedroom forever, although it's a tempting thought...but I am a mother first. I will find a way to take care of myself AND take care of them. I haven't had any anxiety attacks today and am starting to feel a little less gloomy. I have had a headache for the last 3 days that just won't go away though...I don't know if that is a residual affect of my brain exploding or what (yes, I jest)...and I did take a 3 1/2 hour nap with the kids...but I am feeling more like myself today.

I am still not keen on venturing out of the house yet. I would like to go to the church picnic tomorrow, but I just don't think I can. People expect the "Perky" girl, the sociable jabber box who has hugs and smiles for everyone...I am not that person right now. Perhaps I am an egg shell after all....