Hello Again!!

Well it seems as if there is some renewed interest in this blog! I have received some e-mail request for my private blog and those invitations will be sent out this morning I promise. To some of my old readers who didn't follow me into my own private world I guess I should update you on me these days. As usually I am a mixed bag of drama...you know we can't ever have any fucking peace and quiet. My bipolar disorder is well under control finally, which is awesome! I have only had the lightest of swings, the highs which kick in my creativity even more and the lows that just make me a bit blah and bury my nose in a book.

The bad news is I have developed a bladder disease called Interstitial Cystitis...I let you wiki that cause it's too complicated to explain but it is very painful and has severely limited my mobility. It also severely limits my diet....SEVERELY. I have lost 80 pounds. Normally one would celebrate this (Yay! I secretly am - weighing less than I did when I got married just rocks in my book!) but my husband and doctors are not pleased. The weight came off rather rapidly in the beginning which caused it's own mixed bag of health problems. But I am making the effort now to maintain the weight I am at. Especially until surgery time which is August 10th. I need to be as healthy as I can for that. Ok boys cover your eyes cause it's girly stuff but I am having a hysterectomy, a TVI bladder implant and a bladder biopsy. Once we get the biopsy results we will know how to further proceed with bladder treatment. So far all treatments we have tried have only been mildly effective. Unfortunately some people never get relief from the pain....wonderful. Pain meds tend to increase my depressive side, so I try to avoid them. A heating pad works the best, but words ofo warning if you use a heating pad 24/7 (I know I know but you don't understand the PAIN) You develop lovely purplish brown splotches all over the skin. Internal burns. They don't hurt, so I continue doing that but I know it's horrifying to look out. Supposedly it WILL go away if I give up the heating pad for a month or two.

The kids are going great, the oldest starts Kindergarten this year. I have mixed emotions. Part of me is ready for him to be gone all day (bad mommy) just to ease some stress but part of me is shocked that I actually have a child in school! Real school!

So you might ask how have I been occupying my time?? Don't laugh....ok you can laugh. Twitter!! I am heavily involved in a role playing series for The Anita Blake Vampire Hunter Series if you are familiar with it. It started out as creating a character for myself that is intended to be prototype for a novel I am working on. HOWEVER, it boomed, and in true Jada fashion I had go overboard. I secretly play several characters in the series. Including a bisexual vampire, a gay man, two lesbian werewolves and wereleopard.....he they don't call me crazy for nothing :0)~ But on the flip side it keeps me writing everyday without have to put a lot of effort into it. It is spontaneous but not as stressful as trying to create the art that is piece of original fiction. It's almost like cheating...reading the Cliff notes instead of reading the book. I get to write on a daily basis with very little effort or brain power on my part. I just write what comes to me and what is appropriate to my character. My favorite character by part is a completely slutty wealthy woman...who secretly has a big heart and a horrible childhood. My therapist says I "get my inner freak on" with her. She's right!!! I love it. And she is a huge part of me. Just not a part I can freely be...

Ok this is probably a page long by now, but you know how much I like to talk. The offer still stands as in my previous post. tryingtosurvive101@gmail.com is the place to request an invitation to the private blog. Tell me who you are, a little about yourself and why you are interested in my blog. Most of my readers followed me there, but if you are just stumbling upon this old blog for the first time and enjoy it, drop me a line and I'll let you deeper into the REAL me. Bwaahahahahahah!

Layers

As I have been going through this intense journey of self discovery, therapy and illness something very sad has occurred to me. Something that I think when I look back I intentionally did to myself. Some twisted form of protection. Layers upon layers of protection to be less attractive. To drive away unwanted (and perhaps even wanted) pursuers. Victims of sexual abuse often do this to themselves and it has occurred to me, and is becoming evidently clear that in 13 years, I let myself go from this :


To this:
In the attempts of protection. In some twisted way, even though he doesn't even exist in my life anymore, it would drive him away. Perhaps it's even a punishment. Punishing myself for things I am not at fault for, but at the time felt I was. This statement sounds horribly conceited but I think I felt if I were less attractive, none of this would have happened. I realize that is not a true statement, but as a kid that is how I felt. Now the question is what to do about it. I have let myself go from a 130 pound healthy looking girl to a well....let's just say I am quite fluffy and sporting more than my fair share of extra pounds, my weigh hasn't doubled, but in a few years if I keep going at the rate I am going...well..... I don't want to keep punishing my body for something it is not responsible for.......where to begin? My meds are making me gain weight too and that is making it even harder. Oddly enough they kill my appetite, but I gained 4 pounds in a week....although that could have been my monthly visitor (sorry TMI) anyway...I hate this about myself. I rarely even look in the mirror. I hate what I have become. And it doesn't help that baking is one of my favorite hobbies LOL!

But I feel as if there is some significance in figuring out what the cause is. Maybe at least I can get it stopped, because it seems that every year adds another 5-10 pounds. But my motivation to loose it is very low......lazy? Perhaps. Or perhaps still trying to protect myself........how do you shed the need to do that? I realize as we age our bodies go to hell anyway, and looks don't matter in the grand scheme of things, but when I look at myself in the mirror I often think "What have I done to myself?"

A smackin' good life...

I had a nightmare the other night...one that is still haunting me. It's one of those dreams that leave that nagging feeling as if there is some significant meaning hidden in it. I had a breakdown, needed to be hospitalized and the only people in my life who came to be with me were Bethany and Sgt. Volk. I am not sure what that means......maybe they are the only two I truly trust with my life and the darkside of my brain? Either way it was disturbing. I was glad they were there, but saddened to have no family there. Maybe they are my family....

So on a happy note....get your needles ready and your engines fired up! The orders are pouring in for the website!!! (see sidebar, I have added a link) In fact if they keep up like this I will be swamped. That is a good thing because I quit my job at the tavern for now. I can't handle the fast pace and the noise there anymore, since my depression in July it's like a part of my brain just can't handle all that hustle and bustle and screaming drunks LOL! So we need the money. I am excited. I forgot how much I loved to sew, I gave it up for the summer, but being back feels good. Although carpal tunnel syndrome is back with a vengance. I let the kids slap my hands when they fall asleep, they think that's funny. I hold my arms out and let them just slap the shit out of my hands until I can feel them again and go back to sewing! LOL! I'm setting a wonderful example ain't I?

Hope all my blogging buddies out there are doing well, I worry when I don't see new posts or worse yet when a blog has been deleted. You can always contact me via my stitching site, let me know you are ok. If you are reading this, you know who you are. I hope everything is ok sweetie!! I see you have deleted your blog :0( I am worried about you. How are the meds working?

Take 5 of these and call me in the morning.....

More pills....out with the old and in with the new....getting rid of the Abilify and Lamictal. It apparently causes a reaction in me that is agonizing...ANXIETY...constant anxiety. Not the worry type anxiety, but the can't sit still, restless, need to run 10 miles but no way I'm dragging my fat ass out there to do it kind of anxiety. So back to a small smidge of Seroquel and a big helping of Depakote. Maybe this will do the trick. I am tired of ingesting a pharmacy everyday. This makes 5 a day not including ibuprofen and things!

No word on the job yet either, I'm thinking that's not good.....so it's back to looking into school.

Good News Good News Good News!!!!

He woke up!! He woke up at 5:30 this morning! He doesn't remember anything, and they still don't have a lot of answers, but the most important thing at this point is that he is awake!!! I firmly believe in the power of prayer and we did a lot of it last night!

River, my 4 year old, has the Catholic meal prayer committed to memory...so that is the prayer he recited last night to pray for Curtis. Then he asked his Daddy how Curtis was going to hear the prayer...Daddy explained that God would hear the prayer and take care of Curtis....then River asked Daddy a very important question about God...."What is he wearing?" That was a question Daddy didn't have an answer for.....

Many Prayers Needed!!!

I just got a horrible phone call. My best friend Beth's younger brother had a massive siezure last night and is currently in a coma. He is only 17 years old. He has been unresponsive for the last 24 hours and when he does come too for a few moments he doesn't recognize the family and at times has been very combative. They have run test after test and have no idea yet what could possibly be wrong. A possible infection in the lining of his brain has been discussed, but this family is absolutely terrified. Please please please if you are the praying sort send up some prayers for them. I am at a loss for words...

If you follow her blog this is Bethany from Journey of a 20 Something Country Gal

Dr. Dan the Man

Well it's official. And it is Bipolar. Bipolar II to be exact, less severe than Bipolar I which is a good thing. I really like my Doctor...we'll call him Dr. Dan. Who at the moment is known as Dan the Man...mostly just cause I like the sound of it, but also because I feel relieved and hopeful about the future. There's a lot of work to do, and we will be trying out new medicine, which might be a journey all it's own. But tonight I feel confident that someone who knows what they are doing is taking charge of my care. No offense to my family practitioner, he is awesome as well...but in his own words "I ain't that kind of doc!".

So Dr. Dan listened to me jabber on and on about my life for a while.....funny how when you try the hardest not to sound crazy your words start spitting out of you like a machine gun and you sound like a raving lunatic. I have had some trouble in the last few weeks speaking my thoughts clearly. Dr. Dan said that is caused by one of my meds....that med is going and another is being reduced. Maybe I won't feel like such a foggy mess by this time next week.

Oh and by the way there was no dark velvet couch...however...there were comfy velveteen chairs. Ha! I almost laughed out loud when I walked in.

Anyhoo, Dr. Dan gave me some interesting facts about Bipolar Disorder. He said that 9 out of 10 patients who are diagnosed as having BPD are actually misdiagnosed. But he said "You, my dear, are a classic true case of Bipolar II"...ok he didn't say 'my dear' that was simply for dramatic flair...:0)~

He also took the time to bring my husband in and help me reinforce the facts about BPD and the fact that I have no control over the mood swings. I was able to express to my husband in a neutral environment how hard it is on me to swing from one end of the spectrum to the other. I am not totally convinced that he will heed all the advice and facts, but at least he has been given them. I can only control myself, I am done trying to smooth things over for everyone else. I have my hands full with my own crazy ass right now!

Stay tuned...we're in for an interesting ride.

Oh just a funny note to make you chuckle. My two year old was watching me get dressed for bed tonight and he said "Mommy...I see your nickles!!" I wanted to tell him he will be fascinated with those damn things (nipples) for the rest of his life! MEN.....

D Day

Well today is the day.....the day I go see Dr. Whatshisname with the M.D. behind it, in an office adorned with leather bound books regarding the latest and greatest theories in mental health. There of course will be a few tomes from Freud simply for the nostalgia factor... I am picturing the proverbial couch...I hope it's velvet in some rich dark color, but it's probably some lame, cheaply upholstered chair with wooden arms. Yes Yes I am being a drama queen...sue me. I am in a good mood at the moment. Or at least a good enough mood to make some attempt at humor.

I am a bit nervous about this appointment. I fear that I will be rushed through a list of questions like

"Are you suicidal?"
"No"
"Are you homicidal?"
"No"
"Do you still remember to brush your teeth everyday?"
"Yes"
"Well then you're not that bad off, keep taking your meds, suck it up, grow some balls and quit being a cry baby!"

Yes I realize it's not going to go like that....not exactly anyway. But I do fear that the fact that my extremes aren't that extreme (yet anyway) is going to classify me in some 'brush off' category. And I don't want a brush off. I am scared and freaked out by all this. I want a savior to swoop in and tell me everything is going to be alright, we can fix this, you will get better, you aren't loosing your mind.....and I know that expecting a savior is unrealistic as well. I guess I just really don't know what to expect. I am not looking forward to airing all my dirty laundry and coughing up all my sins and bad behavior that seem to put the pieces of my illness together like a puzzle, even from a civilian point of view like mine.

So it's D Day

Decisions Day...
Doubts Day...
Dismal Day?
Dedication Day?
Determined Day!
Disconnect Day?
Deactivate Day?
or perhaps simply Disturbed Day.....

My one hope is that my husband will listen and take some time to be educated about BPD. We may not survive this if he doesn't. Every mood and change in behavior he takes upon himself. The concept or idea that perhaps this is just occurring to me for no other reason than the fact that I have BPD is foreign to him. He has to find a reason, and he usually looks at himself for those reasons. He needs guidance too. I hope they give it, I hope he takes it.

A weekend getaway!

Hubby and I will be celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary on Monday....he decided we needed to go somewhere. Not just out for dinner and a movie blah blah blah but GO SOMEWHERE. I was tickled! Yay! Escape! No poopy diapers and whining and crying and fighting! Although, you know me, I can't bear to be gone too long or too far....so I found us a cozy little cottage on a lake an hour away from here! We totally can't afford it, but absolutely need it....LOL Story of my life!

I actually haggled the guy down quite a bit on the price...I explained we don't have a boat and will not be using the boathouse etc etc etc....and I told him we could easily spend a weekend in St. Louis for the price he was asking....(lie...ok maybe if we stayed at the Best Western and ate PBnJ all weekend). And of course my final kicker was my offering price was better than making NO MONEY because the cabin was going to sit empty all weekend....He took the bait. Damn I'm good! That or I'm just a bitch...either way I saved $100!

Here is the cabin, nothing fancy, but it looks like heaven to me....peace and quiet. I am going to curl up in that hammock with a good book for most of Saturday!

Here is the view of the lake from the cabin. It has it's own sandy beach so we can swim and the upper level of the boat house has a swing on it so we can sit out there and just watch the water. We have some friends who summer at the lake too so we are going to hang out with them a bit and do some boating, preferably the slow trolling around the lake kind of boating, while consuming large amounts of fruity tequila spiked drinks. I am so excited to get away! And super excited that we won't be that far away.

Although can I just say the weekend I was starting to plan for us was actually in St. Louis and Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band are playing Saturday night?!!.......Yes I gave up tickets to see the Boss for this lakehouse.....I must be in desperate need of solitude....the old me would have NEVER EVER EVER done that! But I knew if we went to the city I would not relax, I would go go go go go go go until I couldn't go anymore, cause that's just how I am. I drive my husband nuts when we go to the city. And I've seen Bruce before....and I suppose my absence won't affect his performance in the slightest....although he may sense a small nagging loss at my not being there......

Ha! I wish!

I finally said NO!

For the first time in a long time I decided to politely unload my plate of several of it's responsibilities. I called the pregnant Mommies who are expecting in Jan and Feb and informed them that I would not be taking on any new children, and that instead I would be focusing on my education. I will still have two full time children here, plus my own, and two after school kids. After my day with the baby yesterday (which went great actually!) I decided that adding two more babies to this mix would be horrible for me. Stress is clearly a trigger for meltdowns for me, and I need to be pro-active in avoiding it. The 'old me' felt like I could juggle anything and would have gladly taken on a housefull of babies, a college curriculum and my regular 24/7 job of Mommy...in addition to the tavern, the bank, and sewing. God who the hell did I think I was fooling? People used to ask me all the time "How do you DO ALL THIS?" and I just used to smile. Living in Mania Land.....Oh that was such a happy place...

It is clear to me now that I am slowly killing myself. And think I am running from myself. Keeping myself so busy, kept me from having to deal with ME....and I knew I was cracking up. I have felt it for months. Well...no more. I am not putting myself in that position anymore. Obviously hubby and I both want me to still be a SAHM, but if we can't make the budget work with a smaller workload we will have to figure something else out. I put my notice in at the bank, a looooong notice, and basically told them I want out by the end of the year. (It will take every bit of that amount of time before the boss man gets the gumption to actually try to hire someone), and I am reducing my workload at the tavern. I have to be realistic. I am only one person. And I am allowed to say No. I am not Superwoman.....despite my sparkly underpants and funky boots....

The Couch Session

Remember when I was talking about the tidal wave? The massive wall of depression that was about to fall on me and devour me, and yet I was powerless to stop it.....

I have that same dreadful feeling as my appointment with my 'head shrinker' approaches. I know that he, or a counselor of his choosing is going to want to pry into my brain and cough up all my dirty little secrets. All the skeletons in my closet are going to have to be dragged out and tried on for size and analyzed for their particular impact on my once fragile infantile psyche.....

See I've been through this therapy shit already....many times! I can't believe I am even going to spill this to the entire world, but when I was 14 my mom had me 'committed' to a adolescent psych unit for 4 weeks (that was how long the insurance would cover)...she claimed I had tried or wanted to kill myself....which was a complete and total lie! She blurted out in a family therapy session that I made 'her want to kill herself'....rather quickly my therapy switched from WTF is wrong with you? To how the hell do we get this girl out of here? A dear friend's parents even went so far as to look into adopting me....(Love You Fessels!) but there I was stuck, for 4 weeks in a mental hospital. My stepfather whisked my mother away to Canada for a vacation...running I am sure from the things I might spill in my therapy sessions....he didn't quite think through his little plan to get rid of me. The 'experts' expressed concerns that they felt I had been sexually abused and put me in group therapy but I never coughed up all my secrets. I am stubborn as hell, always have been. Still am. And I am sick and fucking' tired of being asked.

Can't the results just suffice for the answers? Isn't it clear that I am fucked up? Do I really have to vomit up my past? Can't we just leave it in the landfill in the back of my brain and pile all my other bad but less traumatic memories on top it...pile it so high that maybe we can convince my brain it doesn't even exist?

I didn't intend to blog about this tonight but for some reason it is just pouring out of me and I am rolling with it....Let me paint a picture for you of what life was like for 12 year old me....My mom worked all the time, probably 2 jobs actually to pay the bills. My dad was a deadbeat who might slip her a $50 and buy me candy if he ever came around. Meanwhile my mother, as we know now, was suffering terribly. I am sure fighting the demons in her head that had to be starting to creep up on her even when I was a child had to be maddening and frightening.....Then along comes Mr. Wonderful. Mr. Wonderful who already has a wife...but he's taking care of that promptly. Mr. Wonderful who has met this troubled attractive woman with a busty blossoming beautiful young girl and swoops in to care for us. To rescue us.....at a price. So many things I see now that I couldn't see then. Things that happened within his own first family that are too disgusting for me to even think about and then he walked into our family.......but I was stubborn. I didn't make it easy....but I was smart....I knew I was being manipulated, groomed, prepared, romanced.....I kept my mouth shut . My mom seemed so happy. I would be blamed. I was always trouble and it would be my fault somehow. So this tip toeing ensued while I kept my silence. Then finally he makes his move....

He fucked with the wrong girl though....I've been a tough mother fucker since I was tot. I scared him off....and he stayed away....for a while.....

Long story short, in my late teens, as my mother is loosing her mind, divorcing him because she is having paranoid delusions about him, I make the mistake of telling her things that actually ARE true about him...but she is so clouded by her illness she disregards them. She divorced him. Four months later she remarried him. I suppose leaving an 18 year old girl a house, rent free, was supposed to be consolation enough for what I had had to endure.....they moved away and I didn't hear from them for several months.

I spent most of my nights alone, smoking pot, writing poetry and trying loose myself in the flow or words. I eventually consumed enough drugs to forget, for a while, that the real world outside my door was hell.

Fast forward 5 years later, to my wedding day. A day I cannot have my mother attend because she is convinced that my ex-stepdad (they have re-divorced by then) is going to murder me at my wedding....even tries to hire my half brother and my dad as hitmen....bad bad bad scene.....but I held my head high and had my wedding just as I'd planned....pretending not to hear the whispers of 'Where is her Mom?"......

Fast forward 4 months to a knock on my door in the middle of the night. My mom. Estranged from me. Asked to stay away until she would get help and stay on her meds.....asking if we can be a family again. Her eyes almost begging and screaming at me not to turn her away. I ask if she is taking her meds...knowing by the energy bouncing off of her that she is not. "No" she says defiantly. "Then no we cannot be a family again...." As she turned to leave I grabbed her by the shoulders and turned her around to look at me. I looked her square in the eye and said "But I LOVE YOU! I Love You! I Love You! Nothing is going to change that" and I hugged her. She didn't hug back. She never hugged back...even as a kid...she always just limply put her hand at your waist...she left quietly....

She passed away 2 weeks later. God gave me the gift of being able to say goodbye. I will never forget his kindness for that.....

So see...there are reasons I am fucked up. And they are reasons I thought I didn't want to talk about but apparently just spilled them all to you...think I can just print my blog out and give it to my therapist and tell her to give me a call when she's gotten up to speed on things? Ha! And I can write this shit so much easier than I can say it. Some of the things I have written above I cannot and have not spoken about...I don't know why I chose tonight to purge. But there ya have it.

I just dread having to drag all of this back up again. I know how emotionally draining it is....how hard and sickening and frightening. Nothing reduces you back to being a child like recalling childhood trauma.

The Beast of Burden

Well somehow I went from feeling ten times better this week to being rapidly sucked back into the abyss of depression. I mentioned yesterday I was feeling melancholy. By the end of the day I was full on distressed. I guess I had what doctors describe as a mixed episode, which after paying attention to patterns of behavior and emotions that I have experienced in the past few months, is pretty common for me. By the time my daycare kids all went home my head was screaming so loudly, my migraine excuse really wasn't a lie at all. Every sound they made echoed in my ears 1000 times louder than it should have been and every squeal and scream sent my brain folding in itself. I managed to 'function' until my husband got home but then back into the dark dungeon of my bedroom I went. Hiding under the covers in silence, with a fan on to block out noise and a pillow over my head for good measure. Apparently I stayed this way for 3 hours, completely oblivious to the fact that my MIL (who is becoming much more informed and understanding about this by the way) came over and cleaned my house...took the kids home with her, and tried to calm my husband down. I don't think I really slept....dozed maybe....but I mostly just tried to calm the engines in my head, which seemed to think it was a good time for Daytona 500 to take place.

So on to the husband. He is more devastated now than he was two weeks ago. I think he thought I could just take my pills and be fine forever and we could go on about our merry *ha* way. I've tried to explain to him that this is something that I will be dealing with forever. There is no magic fix. Medication and therapy are going to be vital parts of keeping on top of this and staying healthy....but nothing 'cures' this. I wish he would read some of the literature I have bought in the last few weeks....but he hasn't bothered. It's easier to just blame doctors and my job and every other stressor in my life than to try to understand the nature of the beast.

If I can just get through these next two days with my rowdy school kids I will be ok. I know now it's the stress of their fighting and yelling at each other, the constant pestering, wrestling, noise and chaos that triggers that little thing in my brain to cry "Gentleman....start your engines!" and then some little bipolar demon waves the green flag and they're off......

We have an Olympic day planned today. We made medals yesterday and are planning events like and obstacle course, discus toss (frisbee), relay races, and shot put (big rock throw).....if I can keep that interesting and hold off the

"Hey that's not fair!"
"He cheated!"
"It was MY turn!"
"I quit, this isn't fair!"
"You didn't do it right!"
"He hit me!"
"He kicked me first!"

then maybe I will survive. I keep trying to tell myself....It's supposed to be fun! Think positive. If I assume the kids are going to be turd heads....they will.

Oh did I mention that on our way to Red Hill State Park the other day, the day we had soooooo much fun, that on the way there I had to stop the car twice to yell at the school kids who would not stop hitting and slapping in the back seat? Yeah.....I love my job. Two more days.

Seroquel - A patient's review part 1

I was prescribed Seroquel 9 days ago for Bipolar Disorder. I have yet to recieve my official diagnosis of Bipolar I or Bipolar II but I strongly suspect I fall into the Bipolar II category, although I am not a doctor so who knows.....

I will be completely honest in admitting that it freaked me out that this drug is also used to treat more serious mental illnesses such as schizophrenia. I know that is completely prejudiced and I am throwing stones in my completely fragile glass house, but I am only mentioning that for the benefit of someone else who might have the same reservations. My advice...give it a shot. It is working well for me.

The episdode that precipiated the diagnosis and prescription was one of hypomania that probably lasted several weeks, if not months followed by a severe bout with depression. During the depressive episode I was also experiencing multiple anxiety attacks that seemed to just get more and more intense with each episode. I had become reclusive and withdrawn with very little appetite. I was experiencing severe headaches and was extremely agitated and irritable. I was (and still am) awaiting an appointment for a psych consult, but my family M.D. decided to go ahead and prescribe Seroquel when the anxiety attacks became so severe that the thought of leaving the house would produce another one, simply from the fear of having an anxiety attack in public. Clearly my head needed to get put back on straight. I was not functioning.

O, so I started out with a 50mg a day dosage, to be taken in the form of 25mg twice a day. The first pill, which I took at about 5:30 p.m, knocked me out COLD for the rest of the night. I was dead to the world, and my husband even checked my pulse a few times....it was a bit frightening. I started to have serious doubts about the medication. I am a stay at home mother and it is imperitive that I am able to function! But the next morning when I woke I felt somehow 'different'. My depression hadn't magically disappeared but I felt more stable. People who have suffered a bipolar or similar mental crisis can understand what I mean when I say I had been walking around with the feeling of one toe balanced on the tip of a steep mountain and it felt as if any moment I could fall tumbling into the abyss of instability. Suddenly, after one dose of Seroquel I felt like I had two feet firmly planted on solid ground. I was still dealing with issues but there was definately a rapid relief to the unstable feeling I had been carrying around. Now that I have been on the drug over a week I have seen a significant improvement in my over all mental health. Dare I say I am almost back to normal?

My prescribed dosage has me increasing the dosage to double the amount on the 7th day. I honestly thought about skipping that step and staying on the low dosage (as we all tend to do...we are smarter than the doctors of course) but as day 6 approached I started noticing that perhaps some of my symptoms were returning. I could feel the melancholy and irritablity creeping back. My ability to concentrate was slipping and I felt like I was having a setback. Perhaps the doctors know what they are talking about after all. Apparently there is some tolerance build up to the drug in the beginning and most patience gradually increase to a dosage that is a proper fit for their condition. So yesterday was day 8 and I took my first double dose last night. Once again I slept like a baby. I am extremely drowsy this morning, even after getting 9 hours of sleep. But some of that wore off a bit the first time so I am hoping that will happen again. The morning dose is kicking my butt today and I feel like I am walking through quicksand. I am hoping this subsides quickly or I am going to have to buy stock in Red Bull.

I will keep a running update of my expereince with this drug for readers who are interested or are looking for real life experience with it. I am only finishing my first week, there might be a lot more to report about this drug within the next 60 days. Here are the current side effects I have experienced some are good, some are bad:

Racing heart beat especially in the first few hours after taking a dose. This seemed to lessen after the first 4-5 days.
Extreme dry mouth....imagine eating a bag of cotton balls and then rinsing your mouth out with sand...sour candy helps a bit, it stimulates your saliva production.
Dry sinuses...imagine the sand and cotton having taken a side trip through your nostrils..
Drowsiness is worse within the first few hours after taking the drug. I feel very very sluggish. My caffiene intake has almost tripled in the mornings
Decreased Appetite I won't lie...this is a good thing in my opinion, but I have read where this drug has the opposite affect in other patients.
Increased Cravings for Nicotene If you are a smoker, even a light one like myself, be prepared to be feeling the need to light up pretty often.
Decreased Desire for Alcohol this is a bonus in my opinion. I don't really have any desire to drink, even my usual weekend beer or two (or six), and when I did try to drink a few beers at a ball game I became very cranky and felt lousy.

I can say that this drug has not in any way stifled my creativity, which was a HUGE concern for me when taking any psychotropic drug. Writing is my life! Someday I hope for it to be my livelihood as well, so anything that was going to cast a cloud on that was a big concern for me. I can honestly say that if anything it has helped improve my concentration and cleared my thoughts, helping me to more thoroughly design characters, form plots, and organize my ideas. It has not in anyway limited my creativity.

This is the link to the manufacturer, with specific information about patients with bipolar disorder, I started my research here before taking the drug. It is a good starting point for info.
Seroquel

Auuugghhhh I'm Grounded!!!

So it seems my affection for gay porn has caused my internet service provider to limit my acess to the internet....ok, yes I am kidding....I upload too many pictures of my kids and download too much music..which of course I forgot my service has a cap on. If you go over the limit you fall to the bottom of the priority list on getting connection speeds. Sooooo the only time I can get online right now is early in the morning and late at night...ugggghhhh This will last until my 'usage' falls below the 'limit'. I hate being told what to do!!!

I am going to be blogging in Word and then pasting for the next thirty days LOL! I can see myself crawling out of bed at 3 a.m. to post a blog.....ok no I can't, I like sleep too much...so if you don't hear from me on an ultra regular basis don't panic....I'm just grounded. I've been a bad girl and hogged too much 'bandwith'.....

So our trip to Red Hill State Park was heavenly. The kids had a blast. We hiked and hiked and climbed hills, crawled over fallen logs, pointed out deer runs and prayed for no poison ivy. Did I mention the kids had fun? Did I mention that I went to bed at 8 p.m. last night? LOL! OMG I was so tired. See we had so much fun hiking that we just kept going.....and then in finally occurs to me that we are going to have to hike the same distance back. Well with a two year old that proved to be a bit hard on me as I found myself hiking with a 35 pound human backpack...in addition to the actual backpack that I had packed full of a first aid kit, diapers, bug spray etc... Let's just say Miss Jada is hoping today is a quiet day....but I won't get my hopes up!

I have been feeling some setbacks in the last two days regarding my moods. It's not depression, just melancholy. I think the stress of having all the kids back is a big trigger for me. But I just have to get through the next 3 days. I can do that....I hope. Yesterday was the day I was supposed to up my Seroquel dosage, so I did that last night. Perhaps that will help too. I am now on double the dosage I was taking (which is still a relatively small dose compared to what I have read on the internet). I dread the drowsiness, because that has still been somewhat of an issue. I am sure I will be dragging ass today. But I have candy....and I'm not above bribing :0)~

I am considering doing a review here on Seroquel. Mostly because when it was first prescirbed to me I went scouring the net to find patient reviews, opinions and side effects. Since it seems my secret is out anyway I think I will do that sometime soon. So ya'll regular readers can just ignore that post, unless you are comfortable with me talking about cotton mouth and constipation. :0)~ But I know it meant a lot to me find real people's opinions and experiences with the drug. If I can help someone make a decision about getting help, I would be happy to do that. Even if it means talking about poop.

Anyhoo the first set of rugrats are pulling in the driveway so I have to go put my 'daycare' hat on! Have a great day!

Happy Thursday

Well I am still feeling sooooooo much better. The old me. Still crazy...but my normal crazy :0)

My only complaint, and then I swear I will stop complaining about my health and starting writing about more interesting things again, is that I have this constant headache. I wake up with it...it's there all day....it never leaves. Maybe a piece of my brain exploded with my little breakdown...HA! It's seems less severe today, but it's still there. As soon as I woke up there it was at the very top of my head, like some little brain fairy poking me with a teeny tiny pitchfork. Maybe if it's less severe today that means in a few days it will be gone.

Soooooo YAY! I feel normal again. And I have absolutely nothing to write about. Doesn't that just figure! LOL! I am sure before the day is over I will have some brilliant words to write...truth be told I haven't seen the news in over a week. I have no idea what is going on in the world....which is ODD for me!! I am a news junkie! I usually even keep up with news on sites like Reporters without Borders, which publishes news your freedom of press loving government won't let you hear. But I am so out of the loop right now that for all I know Hugh Hefner is Obama's running mate and John McCain was found in an alley getting a $20 blow job....ok that was uncalled for...yes, I am definately back! :0)~

But seriously...Hugh Hefner for VP....that could be fun...

Hello, It's Me Again.

I am feeling so much more like me again. There are side effects and fuzzy things to deal with, memory loss, concentration issues etc...but lets be honest, if you know me in real life that's always been a problem, it's just a little worse right now. I smoked my short term memory years ago in a desperate attempt to escape my realities, and well who the hell can concentrate on anything with two toddlers...I mean really?

I am writing with a grateful heart tonight. I feel myself being reborn. I certainly have a long row to hoe....there are new skills to learn and I have to take better care of myself. I will deal with the ups and downs of this for the rest of my life...but I feel like the epicenter of this nightmare is finally behind me. These meds are working, despite the side effects.

I am currently listening to a song that touches me in 1000 ways....it reminds me of someone, it reminds me of me, it reminds me of life and all human relationships...and it has the most beautiful words I wanted to share it with you:

The Space Between
You cannot quit me so quickly
There's no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I got all the time for you, love

The Space Between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

But will I hold you again?
These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like 'Will it rain today?'
Waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted games we're playing

We're strange allies
With warring hearts
What wild-eyed beast you be
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain
copyright Dave Matthews

Obviously this is only half the song, but truth be told I am tired of copying and pasting, Blogger doesn't paste it right and you have to edit it....uggghh. I added it to my playlist...just go listen to it. It is such a beautiful snapshot of human relationships....all varieties of them. And a beautiful description of some of the relationships in my life.

I don't think we're in Kansas anymore Toto

So the doc prescribed me some stronger meds...something geared towards Bipolar disorder, even though he intended to wait and let the shrink do that....but I had a massive freak out anxiety attack on Monday and hubby and I decided we better let the Dr. know....so after a long drawn out battle with my insurance company over which drug they would or would not approve for me (isn't it funny how your life always hangs in the balance of your doctor's expert opinion and the opinion of some pencil pusher behind a desk at the insurance company?)

Introducing Seroquel.......all I can say is WOW...ok I also have to say WTF???!!!! Within 30 minutes of taking the pill I can remember telling hubby something along these lines "Wow...I'm weeelly weeeeeelllllyy getting sweeepy...I don't know I can stay awaaaaaaa...." Then BAM...OUT...ZONKED....KNOCKED OUT for 3 hours!!! Hubby was nervous and I guess even checked my pulse a few times....I don't remember anything...it was a bit like the anesthesia you get before surgery....a total trip to Oz.

I was starting to come out of my stupor when my husband, the one I have been bragging about...the one I have been so proud of...the one my faith had been restored in...was having a huge temper tantrum with the kids in the bathroom. Apparently he was giving them a bath and they were being difficult (no surprise there)...the kids are crying...he's yelling and one of the boys says "I want Mommy!!"

I am trying to will my body to move, I can't get up, I feel like a led weight. I can't do it. Until I hear my husband yell "Well Mommy's not coming because she's all doped up!!! Well let me tell you folks...that got the adrenaline pumping!!! I crawled off the couch and stumbled down the hallway in time to greet my two little angels (devils) wrapped in towels and crying. I wanted to be mad and yell at my husband, but on one hand the kids had heard enough yelling, and on the other hand I was still so out of it I couldn't really muster the strength. I took the boys in my room and dressed them and snuggled them in my bed and we watched a movie. Hubby came in later all tears and apologies....which I understand, he was frustrated and worried about me, the kids were screaming etc etc etc....BUT I was sooooo mad that he said those words to our kids. I mustered enough strength to mumble to him something about never ever talking about me like that to the children again!!!! I am still mad about it today. I know he is remorseful about it...but that sure as hell doesn't erase it.

You know there have been a few times when hubby has spent the day running around with his buddies and come home drunk and the kids are wanting him to do this or do that and he is to sleepy to do anything but zonk out on the couch...I have never EVER, said "Daddy can't play with you now because he's DRUNK!" I would never ever do that. And my issues last night were legit and beyond my control. It fuckin' pissed me off!!!! Arrrggghhhh Ok, I am still mad about it, can you tell?

So anyway back to the new meds....WOW! What do I do? I actually do feel really good today as far as feeling stable. I don't feel like I am teetering at the top of a roller coaster wondering if I am going to go racing down the tracks or stay safe and secure at the top.....I feel level...for lack of a better word. If the 'knock out' effect of the drug would subside, I think this could be a good fit for me. But I can't afford to be knocked out and be a mother at the same time.....I called the doctor, we'll see what he says.

But so far, so good today. My girlfriend Beth took the kids for the morning so I could relax. (Same friend who did all my shopping last week) I am gonna owe that girl big time when she has kids someday!!!!! I have a the best friends in the world!!!

Happy After All

It's turned out to be a good day after all. I found some happiness in my day. Happiness doesn't always last long right now, but for the moment I am content. I have special people in my life who always seem to make me smile. And my afternoon resulted in many smiles.

You, my readers are included in that! Thanks for the birthday wishes.

Just Another Day

It used to be...back in the good old days that birthdays in my home were sacred holidays. A day where the birthday gal/guy didn't have to do anything at all....eat what you want...sleep when you want...go where you want...it's your day. I always make such a big deal out of birthdays...so much so that sometimes my husband thinks I'm nuts! (ok yeah, yeah, yeah...no comments from the peanut gallery please!) Extravagant home cooked meals, fancy desserts, special trips etc...etc...etc...

Dare I say that being the spoiled little princess that I think I am...ok, not really, but whatever...I reserved just as much if not more entitlement to my own birthday! I am usually all about the birthday thing...milking it for everything it's worth!!! "But I just can't make the coffee this morning...it's my birthday, please can you do it for me..." *batting eyelashes like Scarlett O'Hara*.

Today is my birthday. I couldn't care less.

Tonight's musings

Unwelcome
Who gave you the right to waltz in here?
Sauntering in like a smooth criminal
In your black jacket and your patent leather shoes
Waving your cane around so arrogantly…
Demanding attention,
Disrupting the ball,
Announcing your arrival with boisterous glee.
Banging your stick and waving your fists...
Nothing will ever be as it used to be.

Swiping away the cobwebs,
Opening up old wounds,
Screaming in the silent voids of my mind.

A parasite getting comfy in my brain,
Robbing me of the security
Of being sane.

I want to kick and scream!
Shoo you away with a mighty sword…
But I am paralyzed.
Tied to my front row seat with chains of heredity.

I silently sit here watching you assault
the shell of who I used to be.