Hello Again!!

Well it seems as if there is some renewed interest in this blog! I have received some e-mail request for my private blog and those invitations will be sent out this morning I promise. To some of my old readers who didn't follow me into my own private world I guess I should update you on me these days. As usually I am a mixed bag of drama...you know we can't ever have any fucking peace and quiet. My bipolar disorder is well under control finally, which is awesome! I have only had the lightest of swings, the highs which kick in my creativity even more and the lows that just make me a bit blah and bury my nose in a book.

The bad news is I have developed a bladder disease called Interstitial Cystitis...I let you wiki that cause it's too complicated to explain but it is very painful and has severely limited my mobility. It also severely limits my diet....SEVERELY. I have lost 80 pounds. Normally one would celebrate this (Yay! I secretly am - weighing less than I did when I got married just rocks in my book!) but my husband and doctors are not pleased. The weight came off rather rapidly in the beginning which caused it's own mixed bag of health problems. But I am making the effort now to maintain the weight I am at. Especially until surgery time which is August 10th. I need to be as healthy as I can for that. Ok boys cover your eyes cause it's girly stuff but I am having a hysterectomy, a TVI bladder implant and a bladder biopsy. Once we get the biopsy results we will know how to further proceed with bladder treatment. So far all treatments we have tried have only been mildly effective. Unfortunately some people never get relief from the pain....wonderful. Pain meds tend to increase my depressive side, so I try to avoid them. A heating pad works the best, but words ofo warning if you use a heating pad 24/7 (I know I know but you don't understand the PAIN) You develop lovely purplish brown splotches all over the skin. Internal burns. They don't hurt, so I continue doing that but I know it's horrifying to look out. Supposedly it WILL go away if I give up the heating pad for a month or two.

The kids are going great, the oldest starts Kindergarten this year. I have mixed emotions. Part of me is ready for him to be gone all day (bad mommy) just to ease some stress but part of me is shocked that I actually have a child in school! Real school!

So you might ask how have I been occupying my time?? Don't laugh....ok you can laugh. Twitter!! I am heavily involved in a role playing series for The Anita Blake Vampire Hunter Series if you are familiar with it. It started out as creating a character for myself that is intended to be prototype for a novel I am working on. HOWEVER, it boomed, and in true Jada fashion I had go overboard. I secretly play several characters in the series. Including a bisexual vampire, a gay man, two lesbian werewolves and wereleopard.....he they don't call me crazy for nothing :0)~ But on the flip side it keeps me writing everyday without have to put a lot of effort into it. It is spontaneous but not as stressful as trying to create the art that is piece of original fiction. It's almost like cheating...reading the Cliff notes instead of reading the book. I get to write on a daily basis with very little effort or brain power on my part. I just write what comes to me and what is appropriate to my character. My favorite character by part is a completely slutty wealthy woman...who secretly has a big heart and a horrible childhood. My therapist says I "get my inner freak on" with her. She's right!!! I love it. And she is a huge part of me. Just not a part I can freely be...

Ok this is probably a page long by now, but you know how much I like to talk. The offer still stands as in my previous post. tryingtosurvive101@gmail.com is the place to request an invitation to the private blog. Tell me who you are, a little about yourself and why you are interested in my blog. Most of my readers followed me there, but if you are just stumbling upon this old blog for the first time and enjoy it, drop me a line and I'll let you deeper into the REAL me. Bwaahahahahahah!

I'm Back...??? Maybe

Well the wounds of the family fall out are healing, but I am still at odds with myself about keeping this blog. It is almost impossible for a creative person to censor themselves, especially a mentally ill one who desperately needs an outlet for emotional release.

Unfortunately I destroyed many months worth of entries is an frantic panic attack after the initial smackdown, which I deeply regret. My journey into bipolar disorder was very important to me and now it has been destroyed. Which unfortunately, irrational decisions such as those are classic bipolar behaviors. I felt like I had to make it all disappear to please others. I have been very sick over the issue and have unfortunately had to spend a lot of the holidays desperately trying to appear OK. I am still not ok. I am sure the people I hurt are still not ok either. I struggle with the fear that I ruined the holidays for everyone. It seems I ruin a lot of things anymore....perhaps I have ruined things all my life and am only just now aware of them. Perhaps am a destructive tornado who is too blunt and honest for her own good. Free with my thoughts and feelings, in this anonymous floating space....who was I kidding. Nobody on the planet is ever anonymous forever.

Now I feel naked and scared. I don't feel I have a safe place to write anymore. A private blog makes sense, but then again the people who stumbled upon my writings that could relate were the exact people I was 'talking' to. And you, my faithful readers as well. I don't know what to do yet. But I know that I cannot NOT write....it will be the death of me.

My MIL insists that it's fine that I keep my blog, she even bought be a new computer for Christmas because ours tanked...I am just not to write about my family anymore....thus the censorship. Which since I am no longer as anonymous as I thought, every word I write is going to be scrutinized and up for interpretation. Which is a dangerous thing to do to a writer, especially one struggling with mental illness. Some words are just words.....some feelings just are what they are, and they are temporary. Some thoughts are flashes of light that dim as quickly as they arrived....writers don't hold these things back. It's who I am. It's apparently an unfortunate part of my personality. At least to those who can never understand.

I don't know what will happen, but I thought I would check in, I have gotten some worried messages from some of you and I just want you to know I am alive and ok. Or at least as ok as I can be right now.

Last Entry

I have been trying to delete all my posts, but as there are over 300 it's going to take me a very long time, so I will just leave this up long enough for my regular readers to see be made aware that this blog is going to be deleted in a few days. I feel like my heart is being ripped out, this blog was my safe place to express myself. I feel like I am burning a diary.

It seems my anonymous outlet for writing about my feelings is no longer anonymous. I know that I shared this address with a few of my close friends and some family on my Dad's side. Apparently I am anonymous no more and have to say goodbye. My husband's family is now reading my blog. I have hurt people by expressing my feelings and I fear the only hope I have of repairing any damage I have done is by silencing myself. I will still try to keep up with everyone's blogs. You, my readers, have brought me a lot of joy and comfort in the last year. Thank you for that.

I will miss you all. I don't know how I can possibly find a way to express myself the same way again.

Layers

As I have been going through this intense journey of self discovery, therapy and illness something very sad has occurred to me. Something that I think when I look back I intentionally did to myself. Some twisted form of protection. Layers upon layers of protection to be less attractive. To drive away unwanted (and perhaps even wanted) pursuers. Victims of sexual abuse often do this to themselves and it has occurred to me, and is becoming evidently clear that in 13 years, I let myself go from this :


To this:
In the attempts of protection. In some twisted way, even though he doesn't even exist in my life anymore, it would drive him away. Perhaps it's even a punishment. Punishing myself for things I am not at fault for, but at the time felt I was. This statement sounds horribly conceited but I think I felt if I were less attractive, none of this would have happened. I realize that is not a true statement, but as a kid that is how I felt. Now the question is what to do about it. I have let myself go from a 130 pound healthy looking girl to a well....let's just say I am quite fluffy and sporting more than my fair share of extra pounds, my weigh hasn't doubled, but in a few years if I keep going at the rate I am going...well..... I don't want to keep punishing my body for something it is not responsible for.......where to begin? My meds are making me gain weight too and that is making it even harder. Oddly enough they kill my appetite, but I gained 4 pounds in a week....although that could have been my monthly visitor (sorry TMI) anyway...I hate this about myself. I rarely even look in the mirror. I hate what I have become. And it doesn't help that baking is one of my favorite hobbies LOL!

But I feel as if there is some significance in figuring out what the cause is. Maybe at least I can get it stopped, because it seems that every year adds another 5-10 pounds. But my motivation to loose it is very low......lazy? Perhaps. Or perhaps still trying to protect myself........how do you shed the need to do that? I realize as we age our bodies go to hell anyway, and looks don't matter in the grand scheme of things, but when I look at myself in the mirror I often think "What have I done to myself?"

Hungry Hypo Hippo

Well it's definately full on hypomania time in this house. I have been laying in bed since 4 a.m. trying not to get up, knowing I need some rest. I have boundless energy and feel really great today...the problem is, now I know there is going to be a crash invovled....ugghh. When will it hit? Probably tomorrow when I work two jobs. I think tomorrow night will be my last night working at the tavern for a while. I can't handle it. I hate that too because it was my one night 'out'. Even though I was working I got to see all my friends....yes all my friends hang out in a tavern all weekend LOL...

I am getting ready to make my coffee for the morning, which I don't need but I know I will have a massive headache if I don't drink. Today will be a productive day if nothing else LOL! I could tell last night I was cycling into a shift. I think my menses are playing a big part. I have been mildly manic all week but today I am ready to conquer the world! But now that I know what I am dealing with I will resist my Joan of Arc impulse and just conquer the kitchen full of apples I have....

Yes MORE apples! When we went to the orchard yesterday I just couldn't resist buying one more peck I thought, well an Apple Crisp and some more Apple Butter would be good, of course there will be apple jelly from the juice of the butter! So....I will keep myself busy doing that during naptime. I am taking the kids to the park today, and to Wal-Mart. I have to find a sewing needle...

My needle broke on my sewing machine last night!!! AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!! Just when I was on a roll making these adorable little handbags that I am going to start selling. I had finally figured out how to make a square bottom bag (never one to read any directions or follow a pattern, I had to just figure it out myself LOL) and then clink the needle was gone. Damn it....

Going to go eat some more apple crisp....yumm...I am going to be as big as this house if I don't stop baking!

Couches in Heaven

Going on filed trip to see some apple trees
To learn about the blossoms and the birds and the bees
Ain’t it just a fine time,
Finally get to go somewhere
Find out the elastic is shot in your underwear

Yes it was a Pre-K field trip today, and YES I was pulling my underwear up all day. I hadn’t noticed that they had apparently seen better days when I got dressed this morning. Ugghhh. So anyhoo apple picking and a “Mommy Date”, it was a great day. River and I went to McD’s where I tried to be as patient as I could as he slowly ate….one French fry at a time….dipping each bite in ketchup….checking to make sure each bit had the proper amount of ketchup….re-dipping if it didn’t. I eat like a NASCAR driver drives on the interstate, I just can’t help it. I think I am so used to eating on the run or scarfing down meals to tend to other things that I forget there are times when I can just relax and actually taste my food.

So River has been asking a lot about death lately. I was expecting this. We recently put autumn flowers on my Mother’s grave and he desperately wants to understand the concept. Where is she? Why is she not here? Why do we go to that place? (cemetery) I have been prepared for this and figured I would try to handle it as nonchalantly as I can. I tell her she is in heaven, she doesn’t live in this world anymore. I tell him the cemetery is just a place where we put pretty rocks up to remember them and we put flowers on it to keep the rocks pretty. I figure once we have to face an actual burial I will get into the rest of all that, but for now no way, he worries too much as it is. He asks the funniest questions about Mom and heaven:

Does she have legs?
Is it hard to walk there?
Do they have chairs?
Is she a little girl there?
Can she eat hot dogs?

I always try to answer in the best way I know how.

Yes she has legs just like me and you.
No it’s not hard to walk there.
Yes they have chairs, I bet they even have couches and rocking chairs and bean bags.
I bet she can be whatever she wants to be in heaven. If she wakes up one day and wants to be a little girl she can be.
I bet she can eat all the hot dogs she wants.

His answer to all of these……."They have COUCHES there???!!!! That’s SUPER COOL MOM!"

Cathartic Cooking

For me, there is something extremely relaxing about peeling, slicing, dicing, mixing, boiling, kneading, rolling, and creating food. It's much like writing or painting. You start with a blank canvas. Nothing. And with a few tools and some creativity you create a masterpiece.

Today it's chicken soup and home made yeast rolls for my Daddy. Sgt. Volk and I spent much of the day Friday picking guitar and singing and it made me miss my Dad. Our relationship is a fickle one, but he is a musician and all the singing and pickin' and grinnin' just made me long to see him. So I am loading up the boys and some good food to take to him. He is terminally ill with COPD and takes horrible care of himself. I gave up trying to fix him years ago, feeling like if he wanted to die in a tavern on a barstool then so be it....but today, and maybe just for today, I felt the urge to care for him. A healthy meal and a healthy dose of his grandbabies will do him good. Maybe make him happy enough to stay out of the bar for a day or two....although I've tried all my life to make him happy enough to stop doing that and it's never happened....I won't hold my breathe. But instead I am doing this for me. I need to see my Daddy. I'll take care of my needs and he can take care of his needs as he sees fit. I love him. There's a lot of reasons not to....but I do. And he loves me, this I do know, he just doesn't have many skills to show it.

I don't presume to assume
That you care one bit
About my John Deere kitchen
Or the old tractors in it.
But just because I want to,
I'm going to show you,
My kitchen

It's Bitchin'!!

All of these tractors belonged to my husband as a child OR they belonged to his father. They are sacred items in our home and will be passed down to our boys. John Deere keeps food on our table and I thought it was fitting to display them in the exact place that I dish it up! Plus my husband thinks I rock for showing off his toys!

Depakote Day 2 1/2

Well I think the Depakote might be a much better fit for me.....but it's early. I said the same thing the last time in the first two days into the new drugs....it's kind of like dating. You get all oooey gooey over someone, think maybe this could be the ONE... then you realize all he ever does is talk about himself! LOL! I knew I would be going through this 'dating' process with the meds....it was the thing I dreaded most. I hope this one finally sticks.

I have tons and tons of opinions on politics lately but can't seem to find the time or gumption to write about them. Maybe today I will have time and be inspired. But can I just say that the whole 'lipstick on a pig' thing just cracks me the hell up. Get over yourself people. Sometime someone is going to say "Well that's the pot calling the kettle black" about Obama and it's gonna be "oooooooooh he/she's a racist! I can't believe they said that!" and we will be hearing about it for weeks....it's an expression folks. Get over it. I could list a ton of them that if taken out of context could be considered extremely offensive.....now that sounds fun, maybe I will do that today :0)~

Home for Good

My buddy Sgt. Volk is finally home for good!!! She signed out at midnight and drove all night to get back to IL...took her about 13 hours I think. She is not officially out of the Army until Oct. 19, but she's never going back! LOL! (she's not AWOL, she's using leave)

She came over this evening and we went 4-wheeler riding around the countryside and through the woods. It felt so nice to enjoy the great weather, the beautiful scenery and having her home! We had a few adventures in the woods, but like true country girls we got through the logs and thick brush and of course ended up at the tavern for a cold beer. I tried one, it didn't make me feel to bad so I had another, but I mixed it with tomato juice to water it down (one of my favorite cocktails.....beer, juice, salt...)

Words can't describe how good it is to have her home. Now I just hope she can survive her homecoming. It irks her to no end to answer question after question about the war and the ARMY in general. It's to the point now that a few of us try to be her wing man and just say something along the lines of "The Soldier has no comment at this time!"....I am going to have a T-Shirt made that says "Ask me no questions" on the front and on the back it will say "I'll only tell you lies....." War has been hard on her, and it only makes it worse to have to listen to everyone else's two cents on it....leave her the fuck alone. She served her country, she didn't expect to go to war...but she did it, she survived it and now she just wants to move on with her life. That may prove to be hard for a while as she gets settled into civilian life. But she knows she always has me...she can just come to my house and not say a single word and I understand. I love her to death and am so glad she is home and safe! Welcome home darlin'!!!!

Take 5 of these and call me in the morning.....

More pills....out with the old and in with the new....getting rid of the Abilify and Lamictal. It apparently causes a reaction in me that is agonizing...ANXIETY...constant anxiety. Not the worry type anxiety, but the can't sit still, restless, need to run 10 miles but no way I'm dragging my fat ass out there to do it kind of anxiety. So back to a small smidge of Seroquel and a big helping of Depakote. Maybe this will do the trick. I am tired of ingesting a pharmacy everyday. This makes 5 a day not including ibuprofen and things!

No word on the job yet either, I'm thinking that's not good.....so it's back to looking into school.

A is for ass, as in pain in the ass.
N nothing seems to help
X is for exhausted
I want to be able to relax
Even my toes won't sit still
This has to stop sometime
Yup, I'm having issues......


I just can't seem to get rid of my anxiety in the last few days. My brain won't shut up. I don't know if it's because of the job, or family issues, or my fishin' buddy finally getting her butt home and out of the ARMY, money issues or what. It could be good anxiety or bad anxiety but it just won't go away!!! Even my 'downer' pills....I feel like a pill popper....don't even make a dent in it. I can take two Valium and I am still going 100mph. On the flip side I have been sewing like a mad woman and am going to be ready to reopen my website soon....and my house is clean. But my back hurts, my hands are sore and I still have that headache....but I just can't sit still. Not even right now...gotta go. It's almost 10 p.m. and I am going to go sew some more.

The Interview

*theme to Rocky playing in the background* Ok so I had the interview for the new job yesterday. I threw on some decent clothes after cleaning the kitchen and mopping the kitchen floor...nothing like a little sweat to go with your lip gloss...I figured it would give me that youthful glow....LMAO!

So on the drive there it occurs to me that I am not a bit nervous. Why? Because I have never interviewed for a job that I did not get. My confidence and personality can usually get me in the door to any place I have wanted to go so far.... So perhaps I walked into this a bit arrogant....or grandiose in BPD speak LOL! Well the interview went fabulous! However there are many more applicants, and many who have more education than me.....so I am not going to hold my breath. :0( But I told the interviewer (who I know quite well anyway) that I AM the person for this job, I am perfect for it , don't tell anyone I said this....ssssshhhhhhhh.... she kind of agreed!!! Yay! BUT IT'S NOT UP TO HER! It's actually going to be up to the state....so we shall see.

One very exciting aspect of the job, should I get it is that I will get to go away for a week....a WHOLE WEEK by myself, stay in a hotel, have my meals paid for, hotel paid for, and attend training seminars. It looks like it might be Chicago which would be fabulous! I've never been there. I plan on getting my country butt out to see the city! And I know this sounds nuts, but for me, getting to do it sans family is just a dream....I can do what I want, when I want, eat where I want, sleep when I want (well within reason of course) but just to be ALONE for a while sounds like heaven. She asked me "I know your kids are young, is this going to be a problem for you" it was all I could do not to say "HELL NO! Can I leave today?!" In reality I know I will have a hard time being away from the kids that much, I didn't last more than 2 days on our anniversary trip...... but to have some time to myself sounds like a dream! And I think it would do Daddy some good to see what it's really like to do the bulk of the work around here! Although I am sure he will just ask his Mommy to do it....

If they should decide they are going to consider me for the job I will get called for a second interview. Keep you fingers, toes, and nose hairs crossed! I want this job! I am perfect for this job, and it is perfect for ME!

Manic Musings

I am feeling quite 'energetic' ie hypomanic this evening and all the windows have been washed and floors scrubbed so I am just hanging out at the computer trying to occupy my mind. I was putting tunes on my iPod and came across and old song that I love. Of course it seems at least once a week I am posting song lyrics, but I can't help it. Music is poetry in motion and it can move me to places in my mind and soul that affect me deeply.

The song "Best of You" by the Foo Fighters was a song that I could relate to so strongly when it first came out. Not because I felt like I was hanging onto a relationship with bare knuckles as the song suggests...but because I think every lover I have ever had has felt this way about me. Perhaps even some of my friends and loved ones. I am always pulling away....always drifting...and those that love me always seem to be hoping I don't drift away from them completely. So many things in my life have caused me to build a wall and always wait for another bomb to drop. If things get too good...I am wary...I was especially like this as a child. But as I get older it's better. I see that only I can create my destiny. But this song sums me up....I would venture to guess my husband feels this way about me. And maybe rightly so....

I've got another confession to make
I'm your fool
Everyone's got their chains to break
Holdin' you
Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have
But had no useI was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can't choose
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you mustConfess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?


Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh...
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

I've got another confession my friend
I'm no fool
I'm getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new
Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?Oh...

Perhaps it's someone...Perhaps it's something...but I'm always a step away, a step ahead or a step behind. Sometimes I wonder if I have some emotional defect that prevents me from walking side by side with anyone.

Strange Summer

For the first time in all the years that I have been a farm wife, I am putting sweet corn up for the winter...in SEPTEMBER! Late August is the latest I can every remember doing that and that was usually what we call 'soup corn'...the corn that is more mature and tough, the last of the crop out of the garden that isn't as sweet or tasty as the early crop. I just cut off and put up 15 quarts of corn and it occurred to me as I wrote 9-1-08 on the bags that I had never had to date them for September before! Everyone is in the same boat this year, just now canning tomatoes and putting up the rest of their garden bounty. The Flood we suffered this spring set crops back significantly. In fact in my last post I have a pic of my boys harvesting wheat in July. That is usually done in early to mid-June. It's been a strange summer indeed. (In more ways than one LOL!) But we have had a much cooler summer this year than I can ever remember, that is a blessing!

Well River starts pre-K tomorrow and mom and dad are having a hard time with the though of our little man going to school. It seems like only yesterday he was a chubby bundle of joy at my breast. Now he is a smart mouth know it all 4 year old...oh did I just say that out loud? LOL I meant he is a bright, energetic, and strong willed 4 year old! Tomorrow is going to be a hard day. Pray for me!

Ok maybe Goddess was too strong of a word......

My freaking arms are killing ME! Geez Louise...how do people use a weed eater every week? Granted I had more than just your average weeds around the house to contend with....I practically weeded the whole farm like any certified manic chick would do...but Good God I am in PAIN today!!!!

On a totally different note...I applied for a job. I sent my resume in for a job opening locally as a Parent Educator. It's only 27 hours a week, but would pan out to be a little more pay than I am making now at home and I could make my own hours. So if I were to the job, it is my hope that I could just work three 9 hour days T, W, TH and then have M, F home with my boys. I am excited, I have no idea if I will get the job or not, but it's a job I have wanted for quite a while. My oldest son participated in a program through this organization due to a speech delay and he loved having his 'teacher' come out every other week! That is what my job would consist of, visiting families on a regular basis for children who are at risk for developmental delays and working with parents to better their skills in dealing with the child's needs...among other duties. Keep your fingers crossed for me. This may be my way out of doing home day care while not having to totally give up my SAHM status. Yes I will be away from them 3 days a week, but lately that doesn't seem like such a bad thing. If that makes me a bad Mama so be it.....

Another big bonus is that it will get my foot in the door with this organization so that perhaps I can get a full time job with them at some point. In addition they offer tuition reimbursement for employees who want to further their education...HELLO....it might be a while before I qualify for all that, but this is an organization I could see myself making a career out of. If I get the job. I am not exactly what they were hoping for, it is my understanding that they are hoping for someone with a Bachelor's degree. But I have a many years experience in the Early Childhood Development field, and I have certification to be a Child Care Director for any facilities in Illinois an I have served in those positions before, so I have many years of experience behind me...if not the actual education. In my opinion experience often outweighs textbook learning ten times over!

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Many Prayers Needed!!!

I just got a horrible phone call. My best friend Beth's younger brother had a massive siezure last night and is currently in a coma. He is only 17 years old. He has been unresponsive for the last 24 hours and when he does come too for a few moments he doesn't recognize the family and at times has been very combative. They have run test after test and have no idea yet what could possibly be wrong. A possible infection in the lining of his brain has been discussed, but this family is absolutely terrified. Please please please if you are the praying sort send up some prayers for them. I am at a loss for words...

If you follow her blog this is Bethany from Journey of a 20 Something Country Gal

The Little Engine that Couldn't?

I am starting to doubt myself for the first time in a long time. I am usually the ballsy, take on the world, I can conquer anything kind of chick. But I am starting to have serious doubts about my ability to handle going back to school, while trying to hold down enough jobs to pay the bills, and manage my illness at the same time......I want that degree like a fat girl wants cake!! And trust me on that, I am a fat girl! :0)

But what if I can't do it? I can't put my family into that kind of debt simply to fail. I am notorious for starting big projects or having big plans and ideas that I abandon once they are no longer exciting or stimulating. (what we now know is a common symptom of my illness) And let's face it, school isn't always going to be exciting or stimulating. In fact it's going to down right SUCK sometimes. But I WANT THAT DEGREE......I was deciding on Psychology or English....now I am just trying to decide whether I even have the balls to try. What has happened to me?

Dr. Dan the Man

Well it's official. And it is Bipolar. Bipolar II to be exact, less severe than Bipolar I which is a good thing. I really like my Doctor...we'll call him Dr. Dan. Who at the moment is known as Dan the Man...mostly just cause I like the sound of it, but also because I feel relieved and hopeful about the future. There's a lot of work to do, and we will be trying out new medicine, which might be a journey all it's own. But tonight I feel confident that someone who knows what they are doing is taking charge of my care. No offense to my family practitioner, he is awesome as well...but in his own words "I ain't that kind of doc!".

So Dr. Dan listened to me jabber on and on about my life for a while.....funny how when you try the hardest not to sound crazy your words start spitting out of you like a machine gun and you sound like a raving lunatic. I have had some trouble in the last few weeks speaking my thoughts clearly. Dr. Dan said that is caused by one of my meds....that med is going and another is being reduced. Maybe I won't feel like such a foggy mess by this time next week.

Oh and by the way there was no dark velvet couch...however...there were comfy velveteen chairs. Ha! I almost laughed out loud when I walked in.

Anyhoo, Dr. Dan gave me some interesting facts about Bipolar Disorder. He said that 9 out of 10 patients who are diagnosed as having BPD are actually misdiagnosed. But he said "You, my dear, are a classic true case of Bipolar II"...ok he didn't say 'my dear' that was simply for dramatic flair...:0)~

He also took the time to bring my husband in and help me reinforce the facts about BPD and the fact that I have no control over the mood swings. I was able to express to my husband in a neutral environment how hard it is on me to swing from one end of the spectrum to the other. I am not totally convinced that he will heed all the advice and facts, but at least he has been given them. I can only control myself, I am done trying to smooth things over for everyone else. I have my hands full with my own crazy ass right now!

Stay tuned...we're in for an interesting ride.

Oh just a funny note to make you chuckle. My two year old was watching me get dressed for bed tonight and he said "Mommy...I see your nickles!!" I wanted to tell him he will be fascinated with those damn things (nipples) for the rest of his life! MEN.....

Blue Moon...

Well the vacation was everything we hoped it would be...right up until the last day when I woke up with a terrible bout of depression creeping up on me, desperately missing my kids and cutting the day short to leave in the morning so I could hold them. When I am feeling better I'll tell you all about our quaint little cabin and utter relaxation that just ooozed out of us for more than 24 hours....

For now I am just dealing with one minute at a time. My brain just betrays me so much. It is beyond frustrating. I have absolutely nothing to be 'blue' about today. Nothing. Yet finding the strength to muster a smile and 'fake it' for the kids is draining me. I want to crawl back in my dark dungeon of a bedroom and hide out.....a fine way to return from vacation eh?

Seeing the Head Shrinker tomorrow. Perhaps he has some magic wand or sledgehammer he can wield around.....I wish...