New Blog

Ok a private blog is in the works. Contact me at tryingtosurvive101@gmail.com if you are interested in an invite. (spammers beware, this e-mail exists for this purpose only, don't bother)

If I don't already know you as an online friend or blogging buddy, please tell me a bit about yourself and why you are interested in reading my blog.

If I know you personally, as in you live near me, don't be offended if your request is not accepted. My blog is very personal, and I will not have my words and feelings used against me to hurt my family or myself. I know that sounds paranoid, but if you live here you also know what a nosey ass community this is and it's hard to know who to trust. Yes I realize some asshole could make up a fake identity, but I am also smart enough to track your IP address....just so you know.

I have been burned once and my family hurt, I will not take the chance of that happening again. I need to know my blog is a safe place for me to fall, to write and vent and express myself, and my community of 'web friends', who faithfully follow this blog have been there for me more than most of you who know me in real life. I don't fault anyone for that, I am not the same person I used to be, I understand that. I am sick. I will get well. But I may never be the person you knew. Maybe you can accept that, maybe not. But it is what it is.

I will still blog here occasionally as well.

Unsteady and Unsure

Thank you all so much for all the support and response upon the return of my blog. I am still unsure what to do. How do you write about life when you can only write about a fraction of it. I think the best solution will be to create a private blog. I suppose I could post an e-mail address for ya'll to contact me so I can send you an invite and only invite the people that I trust. But truth be told, there are few local friends and readers (and there were only a small few) that I don't know if I can trust. Someone who found it and figured out who I was (Or they already knew about it) told my family. This whole fiasco has made me a paranoid freak about my writing...and my writing was my breath. As dramatic as this sounds a tiny part of me has died over this. I hate hurting people more than anything, and then to be choked of my one saving grace has doubled the agony.

My therapist says I should keep this blog, write whatever the hell I want in it and if people don't like it they just shouldn't read it. (Ok her wording was a little more crass and blunt, but she was adamant that I keep writing here) Which of course made me feel a bit justified in expressing myself in a mostly anonymous manner, but the family feels it's not fair for me to write about them. I did try to explain that none of my regular readers even KNOW this family so what does it matter?

And I want to address one issue that has bothered me since this whole thing started. During this drama my husband was informed that I wrote things about him in my blog. It was implied to him that I was writing things about him that were unfair or unkind. Can I just say for the record my husband has been invited, welcomed, and even begged to read this thing. I left the address in the address bar at all times, hoping just once he might take the time to read my blog and perhaps get to know me in ways he doesn't currently know me. That just one time he might show a glimmer of interest.... He had no interest. He couldn't be bothered. He didn't care. And truthfully that hurt a little bit....no, a lot. He never has shown any interest in my writing. And he knew this was a personal blog. I explained in detail what this blog was, what I was writing, and why I was writing it. In the year that I spilled my guts on here, he never once even glanced at it. But suddenly I was the enemy for a few moments when he was informed that I had written about him. I was very quick to remind him that it has ALWAYS BEEN HERE FOR HIM TO READ....he just never gave a shit. Only when someone made him feeel like he should be upset about it.

So that is my rant. And I am disobeying the rules by writing this, but I do feel like I should be allowed to defend myself regarding that matter. Hubby seems fine with it now, or at least resigned to it, I told him if he was worried about what I wrote about him he should sit down and READ this blog word for word...he still didn't bother. So he has lost his vote in the matter and he knows it. I won't lie and pretend that even after all this that the fact that he doesn't care to read a single word of it hurts me. And now I have destroyed so much of it in my manic panic that I may just start elsewhere. A clean page. I can remember days when I still used a pen and a blank piece of paper seemed like an ocean of possibilities. Maybe a new blog will best.

If I do that I will post an e-mail address for ya'll to contact me, and start a new private blog. I want to keep this one open in case someone new stumbles upon it that could benefit from what little I have left of my bi-polar journey. They can contact me to be invited to the new blog.

I'm Back...??? Maybe

Well the wounds of the family fall out are healing, but I am still at odds with myself about keeping this blog. It is almost impossible for a creative person to censor themselves, especially a mentally ill one who desperately needs an outlet for emotional release.

Unfortunately I destroyed many months worth of entries is an frantic panic attack after the initial smackdown, which I deeply regret. My journey into bipolar disorder was very important to me and now it has been destroyed. Which unfortunately, irrational decisions such as those are classic bipolar behaviors. I felt like I had to make it all disappear to please others. I have been very sick over the issue and have unfortunately had to spend a lot of the holidays desperately trying to appear OK. I am still not ok. I am sure the people I hurt are still not ok either. I struggle with the fear that I ruined the holidays for everyone. It seems I ruin a lot of things anymore....perhaps I have ruined things all my life and am only just now aware of them. Perhaps am a destructive tornado who is too blunt and honest for her own good. Free with my thoughts and feelings, in this anonymous floating space....who was I kidding. Nobody on the planet is ever anonymous forever.

Now I feel naked and scared. I don't feel I have a safe place to write anymore. A private blog makes sense, but then again the people who stumbled upon my writings that could relate were the exact people I was 'talking' to. And you, my faithful readers as well. I don't know what to do yet. But I know that I cannot NOT write....it will be the death of me.

My MIL insists that it's fine that I keep my blog, she even bought be a new computer for Christmas because ours tanked...I am just not to write about my family anymore....thus the censorship. Which since I am no longer as anonymous as I thought, every word I write is going to be scrutinized and up for interpretation. Which is a dangerous thing to do to a writer, especially one struggling with mental illness. Some words are just words.....some feelings just are what they are, and they are temporary. Some thoughts are flashes of light that dim as quickly as they arrived....writers don't hold these things back. It's who I am. It's apparently an unfortunate part of my personality. At least to those who can never understand.

I don't know what will happen, but I thought I would check in, I have gotten some worried messages from some of you and I just want you to know I am alive and ok. Or at least as ok as I can be right now.

Clean Bill of Health in Never Never Land

The comments from my last entry regarding going back to school are weighing on me. Perhaps I am fooling myself. Perhaps dealing with this beast of an illness is going to consume more of my life than I choose to believe that it will.

There will never be a 'clean bill of health' for my disorder. This will be with me forever. And will I forever be unqualified for any respectable job worth getting a degree for because of my mental stability. Yeah yeah I know all about my civil rights, but we also know it's a bunch of bullshit, if someone doesn't want to hire you they will find a way.

Perhaps I should just chuck the whole idea and keep trying to plug along as a writer.......I don't know what to do. I feel like I am floating out there aimless. And Anonymous is probably right, I am not at ALL ready for a major life change like school. But being in the mixed manic state I have been in the last two days and the 'excited phone calls' from the used car dealer guidance rep, I got wrapped up in something that is a pipe dream for me.....

I don't want to grow up to be nothing....LOL Yes I know I am quite grown up, and I will never be nothing. I just wanted to be more.

The Seeds of Doubt

So I have been talking to a guidance counselor from a University that shall remain nameless. She pissed me off today. I told her I did not want to get an Elementary Ed degree as she was pushing me to get. Clearly I am not getting the job that I applied for or they would have called me by now, I am sad about that but they want a Bachelor's degree....obviously I don' t have one, so I want to follow my heart and get a degree in Psychology. I really think I could be of help to women like me. Kids like me. Hell people like me. I am a survivor. The skills I have and the mistakes I have made learning to be a survivor could be invaluable to someone and that is really where my heart is leaning.

She advises me against becoming a psychologist because of my disorder. She says suicide rates are high amongst bipolar therapists. "Check the stats" she says and then goes on with her used car salesmen spiel about Elementary Ed and about how it doesn't matter what your BA is in as long as you have one (which sounds like BS if you ask me :0) and if I wanted to do Psychology later I could. Well if I was going to go to the trouble of working towards a Master's in Psych, why wouldn't I start there to begin with???? Duh! I'd end up taking classes I hadn't fulfilled with my BA in order to get my MA......AAAAUUUGGGHHH But the biggest thing is telling me I can't do something! I am kind of like Ruth from Fried Green Tomatoes "Don't say neva to me!" That's the quickest way to get me to do it! (I had a reading teacher tell me I would never learn to read in 4th grade because I always acted up in her class.....I was bored in her class
~ended up in Advance Reading the next year~....and look at me now Mrs. Sterchi, not only can I read but I can write so ppptttthhhhh! :0) And to tell me it's because of my illness, because she has a son with BPD blah blah blah....no two people or diagnosis's are alike.....and I AM checking the stats....can't find any. None.

So please, by all means....someone show me some proof. And I dare ya to tell me I can't do this.....BPD or not! I hate people who plant seeds of doubt for their own gain. I am sure she gets commission money off of her 'sales'

A smackin' good life...

I had a nightmare the other night...one that is still haunting me. It's one of those dreams that leave that nagging feeling as if there is some significant meaning hidden in it. I had a breakdown, needed to be hospitalized and the only people in my life who came to be with me were Bethany and Sgt. Volk. I am not sure what that means......maybe they are the only two I truly trust with my life and the darkside of my brain? Either way it was disturbing. I was glad they were there, but saddened to have no family there. Maybe they are my family....

So on a happy note....get your needles ready and your engines fired up! The orders are pouring in for the website!!! (see sidebar, I have added a link) In fact if they keep up like this I will be swamped. That is a good thing because I quit my job at the tavern for now. I can't handle the fast pace and the noise there anymore, since my depression in July it's like a part of my brain just can't handle all that hustle and bustle and screaming drunks LOL! So we need the money. I am excited. I forgot how much I loved to sew, I gave it up for the summer, but being back feels good. Although carpal tunnel syndrome is back with a vengance. I let the kids slap my hands when they fall asleep, they think that's funny. I hold my arms out and let them just slap the shit out of my hands until I can feel them again and go back to sewing! LOL! I'm setting a wonderful example ain't I?

Hope all my blogging buddies out there are doing well, I worry when I don't see new posts or worse yet when a blog has been deleted. You can always contact me via my stitching site, let me know you are ok. If you are reading this, you know who you are. I hope everything is ok sweetie!! I see you have deleted your blog :0( I am worried about you. How are the meds working?

Hungry Hypo Hippo

Well it's definately full on hypomania time in this house. I have been laying in bed since 4 a.m. trying not to get up, knowing I need some rest. I have boundless energy and feel really great today...the problem is, now I know there is going to be a crash invovled....ugghh. When will it hit? Probably tomorrow when I work two jobs. I think tomorrow night will be my last night working at the tavern for a while. I can't handle it. I hate that too because it was my one night 'out'. Even though I was working I got to see all my friends....yes all my friends hang out in a tavern all weekend LOL...

I am getting ready to make my coffee for the morning, which I don't need but I know I will have a massive headache if I don't drink. Today will be a productive day if nothing else LOL! I could tell last night I was cycling into a shift. I think my menses are playing a big part. I have been mildly manic all week but today I am ready to conquer the world! But now that I know what I am dealing with I will resist my Joan of Arc impulse and just conquer the kitchen full of apples I have....

Yes MORE apples! When we went to the orchard yesterday I just couldn't resist buying one more peck I thought, well an Apple Crisp and some more Apple Butter would be good, of course there will be apple jelly from the juice of the butter! So....I will keep myself busy doing that during naptime. I am taking the kids to the park today, and to Wal-Mart. I have to find a sewing needle...

My needle broke on my sewing machine last night!!! AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!! Just when I was on a roll making these adorable little handbags that I am going to start selling. I had finally figured out how to make a square bottom bag (never one to read any directions or follow a pattern, I had to just figure it out myself LOL) and then clink the needle was gone. Damn it....

Going to go eat some more apple crisp....yumm...I am going to be as big as this house if I don't stop baking!

The real couch session

I saw my therapist for the first time today (not to be confused with my shrink....few are privileged enough to need both but of course I've always been er, um, special) and I love her! She's awesome. Any chick who gets a tattoo to celebrate her 60th birthday is a rockin' chick in my book. We've been through many of the same experiences in our life and I can tell we see eye to eye on a lot of things. The only word that kept coming to mind after our session was 'smooth'....even the car seemed to drive smoother on the ride home. I felt so calm and purged. It was marvelous.

And she really has a couch! Two actually, a couch and a love seat...they are deliciously fluffy and the atmosphere is like that of a spa, not a stuffy doctor's office. I almost expected someone to come in and start working on my chicken feet and hooker knees while we chatted.

I can tell she is someone I am going to be able to be completely honest with. I need that in my life. And there are demons in me that need to be vomited out and kicked down the drain, even if I have to used a stick to do it....I think she can help me with that. I am very excited about working with her. Now my only problem is childcare for my sessions. Any volunteers??? It's becoming an issue between River having 'parent' activities at school and me seeing a shrink AND a therapist, AND working at the bank AND working at the tavern. I am wearing out my favors with the mother in law......I have to figure out some solutions. That is my current issue to obsess over at the moment.

Let the obsession begin.....

Back in Business

Well I am finally re-opening my stitchery website...maybe I'm nuts (arf arf I'm so funny...). I am anxious to see how much business I get this season. I was busier than a one armed paper hanger last Christmas.

If you see something you are interested in, get your orders in now! http://www.starklysimplestitches.com/

Well things are ok around here. Sew sew sewing. It's one of those hobbies that you forget how much you enjoy and how good you are at until you pick it up again. I haven't sewed for two months now, I took the summer off, and now I am really enjoying it again. It is a nice hobby to have for crazy folk like me :0)~ It's busy work. And repetitive. I am going to expand the business to include handbags, gift bags and curtains soon if I don't get that job I applied for. Or maybe even if I do....we'll just see how much time I have. I have already started on the gift bags, they will be holiday gift bags and then you can stuff the bag with some dried goodies or potpourri and you have a gift that lasts forever.

Ok gotta go sew......Sew Ya Later! Ha! Ha! I just crack myself the hell up!





Edited to add:


Someone asked to see the Wedding Dress project when it was finished, it has it's own page on my website, but I will post it here as well, the picture of the little pillows isn't very clear, but it's all I have...Bethany took the pics, blame her :0)~ (j/k B you know I love ya!) The lace trim was so delicate on this dress, I used it to 'frame' the piece. I believe the family was very pleased :0)

All of the women in the family (there are only daughters) and three granddaughters got a pillow made from the dress so that they each have a little piece of it for their own.You can go get your Kleenex now...I'm done.

Just Another Manic Monday

Well I must be having a manic spell because I am wide awake and it's waaaay past my bedtime. It could explain the home made chicken soup, rolls, apple butter, applesauce, apple jelly and 5 loads of laundry I have done in the last two days.........oh well, my mind feels ok. That's all that matters. I just have a little extra energy today.

Not really sure why I am blogging, boredom I suppose. I have nothing to say at all. Blah blah blah......maybe tomorrow I will find something brilliant to write about.

Better Day

Ok, maybe I was PMS'n a bit in my last post, but it was all true. I was just awfully growly huh?

Hubby and I had a good talk this evening. He took the time to read some literature I found him online. Things are better for now.

On a really good note I am still feeling like these meds are helping tremendously. I think I have found the right fit. I am still cycling, but it's becoming almost unnoticable to anyone but me.....Yay! Having a down day today, but after what happened last night I am not surprised. But to make me feel better I made more applebutter and tons and tons of apple jelly....YUMMO! This winter that is all going to be soooooo yummy!

If I hear one more time....

"Your meds must not be working"... I'm going to scream. How do I make him understand that this is not something I can snap my fingers and make go away...because believe you me if I could I FUCKING WOULD!!! How can I explain that this is not all about him, that every mood swing, every shift, every anxiety is not in some way related to some sort of anger or hatred towards him. We even had the 'dealing with this for the rest of our lives' conversation last night and I told him if he didn't think he could handle it he might as well pack up now, because I don't have any answers. I don't have any way to make it go away. I realize I am not the person he married. I get it. I hate it. More for my children than for him. He's a grown up. Why can't he act like one. Pick up a fucking book...see a therapist, search online...anything to be pro-active in this rather than make me feel like a fucking lunatic who needs a new pill every time I am in a bad mood, or 'too good of a mood'. I may never again be that same person I was 4 months ago, and especially not 4 years ago. But this is beyond my control. I have vowed to do everything I can to be pro-active in my health, better diet, exercise, education, therapy and medication. He has done nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. When this started he vowed to support me in whatever may come. This is not support....and it's not helping me mentally.

I don't cry. But I feel like crying today. I just might have to. Of course this morning there were "sorry's" all around, there always are, but I am so sick and fuck and tired of sorry I could puke the letters out into the toilet bowl and watch them scramble and swirl as they make their way down the pot......I'm done with sorry. I can only fix myself. If that means doing it by myself, so be it.

Edited to add that after I posted this I realized it sounded like I was throwing in the towel. Don't panic...I haven't packed up yet...I just meant that things are going to have to change or we are not going to be able to live under the same roof.

Jada Appleseed

My neighbor, the rhubarb growing, bee keeping wine making neighbor has apples ready....apples galore. So today the boys and I went apple picking. We picked a 5 gallon bucket full, came home made a dozen of them into dumplings, and the rest into apple butter and applesauce. We had so much fun *ok mommy did* that we went back and picked another 5 gallon bucket full! I just finished washing them and am pooped....the only thing I hate about picking apples is washing them. If you've never seen what an apple, fresh off the tree looks like, especially out in the country, it's not what you'd expect. It's more like a black speckled, mildew looking ball. You have to scrub and scrub to the road dust, dirt and bug shit off of them...but underneath all of that is that shining yellow globe of golden heaven.

Although the cost saved, verses the labor put into it, probably doesn't really pay to do it, I love having fresh applesauce and apple butter in the freezer. It tastes so good and it's great to pull out for a quick snack or to serve guests who've never had it.

I think my husband thinks I am suffering from a manic spell today...perhaps he is right, but I sure as hell get a lot done that way! LOL!

Depakote Day 2 1/2

Well I think the Depakote might be a much better fit for me.....but it's early. I said the same thing the last time in the first two days into the new drugs....it's kind of like dating. You get all oooey gooey over someone, think maybe this could be the ONE... then you realize all he ever does is talk about himself! LOL! I knew I would be going through this 'dating' process with the meds....it was the thing I dreaded most. I hope this one finally sticks.

I have tons and tons of opinions on politics lately but can't seem to find the time or gumption to write about them. Maybe today I will have time and be inspired. But can I just say that the whole 'lipstick on a pig' thing just cracks me the hell up. Get over yourself people. Sometime someone is going to say "Well that's the pot calling the kettle black" about Obama and it's gonna be "oooooooooh he/she's a racist! I can't believe they said that!" and we will be hearing about it for weeks....it's an expression folks. Get over it. I could list a ton of them that if taken out of context could be considered extremely offensive.....now that sounds fun, maybe I will do that today :0)~

Take 5 of these and call me in the morning.....

More pills....out with the old and in with the new....getting rid of the Abilify and Lamictal. It apparently causes a reaction in me that is agonizing...ANXIETY...constant anxiety. Not the worry type anxiety, but the can't sit still, restless, need to run 10 miles but no way I'm dragging my fat ass out there to do it kind of anxiety. So back to a small smidge of Seroquel and a big helping of Depakote. Maybe this will do the trick. I am tired of ingesting a pharmacy everyday. This makes 5 a day not including ibuprofen and things!

No word on the job yet either, I'm thinking that's not good.....so it's back to looking into school.

A is for ass, as in pain in the ass.
N nothing seems to help
X is for exhausted
I want to be able to relax
Even my toes won't sit still
This has to stop sometime
Yup, I'm having issues......


I just can't seem to get rid of my anxiety in the last few days. My brain won't shut up. I don't know if it's because of the job, or family issues, or my fishin' buddy finally getting her butt home and out of the ARMY, money issues or what. It could be good anxiety or bad anxiety but it just won't go away!!! Even my 'downer' pills....I feel like a pill popper....don't even make a dent in it. I can take two Valium and I am still going 100mph. On the flip side I have been sewing like a mad woman and am going to be ready to reopen my website soon....and my house is clean. But my back hurts, my hands are sore and I still have that headache....but I just can't sit still. Not even right now...gotta go. It's almost 10 p.m. and I am going to go sew some more.

Manic Musings

I am feeling quite 'energetic' ie hypomanic this evening and all the windows have been washed and floors scrubbed so I am just hanging out at the computer trying to occupy my mind. I was putting tunes on my iPod and came across and old song that I love. Of course it seems at least once a week I am posting song lyrics, but I can't help it. Music is poetry in motion and it can move me to places in my mind and soul that affect me deeply.

The song "Best of You" by the Foo Fighters was a song that I could relate to so strongly when it first came out. Not because I felt like I was hanging onto a relationship with bare knuckles as the song suggests...but because I think every lover I have ever had has felt this way about me. Perhaps even some of my friends and loved ones. I am always pulling away....always drifting...and those that love me always seem to be hoping I don't drift away from them completely. So many things in my life have caused me to build a wall and always wait for another bomb to drop. If things get too good...I am wary...I was especially like this as a child. But as I get older it's better. I see that only I can create my destiny. But this song sums me up....I would venture to guess my husband feels this way about me. And maybe rightly so....

I've got another confession to make
I'm your fool
Everyone's got their chains to break
Holdin' you
Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have
But had no useI was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can't choose
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you mustConfess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?


Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh...
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

I've got another confession my friend
I'm no fool
I'm getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new
Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?Oh...

Perhaps it's someone...Perhaps it's something...but I'm always a step away, a step ahead or a step behind. Sometimes I wonder if I have some emotional defect that prevents me from walking side by side with anyone.

The Other Life...on the Dream Side

The meds I am taking seem to produce very vivid and realistic dreams everynight. Some of them are funny, some are strange. Some are even sexy. I could write some odd little collection of short stories based on my intoxicated dreams lately.

Last night was a doozy. I can't really tell you about it. You'll just have to use your imagination. It involved sex...and not with my husband...hey I can't control my dreams right? But I woke up this morning still reeling from the consequences of the dream....pregnancy. I thought for about 10 seconds after I woke up that I really was pregnant and didn't know how I was going to tell my husband. Then I chuckled at myself. I think if you looked up Drama Queen in the dictionary I would at least be the 4th definition.

Good Morning Folks! How was your dream life last night?

The Blind leading The Blind?

So...if the idea of going back to school to finish my BA, at the least, is still on the table....is it odd that I am leaning towards Psychology, given my recent issues? I have considered such a degree for years, but now I am wondering if I would be setting myself up for trouble if I dedicate myself to a career dealing with other people's mental health. There is a huge part of me that feels my own life experience, especially now, but including my childhood that can lend an empathetic understanding to people I would be working with. I would eventually like to earn my Master's and continue on as a therapist....but what happens when I am having a hard time myself. It would not be good to be listening to a suicidal patient while I am in the throes of depression myself....I can see the headlines now "Therapist and Patient throw themselves off local bridge...." That would not be good....and yes I am poking fun at a serious topic...but it's a logical scenario right? I mean even with the best meds and therapy in the world I am going to have ups and downs... and what happens on those days when I have to face someone who is struggling and I am struggling too? How does that work? We go to the local pub and get smashed and hope tomorrow is a better day for both of us???

My other option is an English degree. Obviously writing is my passion, literature is too. However, around here, out in the boonies, the best I can hope for is to be an English teacher at the local Jr. College...more likely a high school teacher. And everyone hates their English teacher LOL! Everyone except me of course! It was my favorite class. I actually enjoyed writing term papers! I made some good money in Jr. College writing term papers for other students :0)~ Always the saint... but see then I just spent the money on beer and weed. A smart girl would have socked it away to help pay for another 2 years of school. I wasn't the brightest or most ambitious of gals back then....give me a live band and a dime bag and I was happy for the night! What I wouldn't give to redo a lot of those years.

So that is the dilemma of the moment....anybody got any brilliant ideas?

The Little Engine that Couldn't?

I am starting to doubt myself for the first time in a long time. I am usually the ballsy, take on the world, I can conquer anything kind of chick. But I am starting to have serious doubts about my ability to handle going back to school, while trying to hold down enough jobs to pay the bills, and manage my illness at the same time......I want that degree like a fat girl wants cake!! And trust me on that, I am a fat girl! :0)

But what if I can't do it? I can't put my family into that kind of debt simply to fail. I am notorious for starting big projects or having big plans and ideas that I abandon once they are no longer exciting or stimulating. (what we now know is a common symptom of my illness) And let's face it, school isn't always going to be exciting or stimulating. In fact it's going to down right SUCK sometimes. But I WANT THAT DEGREE......I was deciding on Psychology or English....now I am just trying to decide whether I even have the balls to try. What has happened to me?