Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Clean Bill of Health in Never Never Land

The comments from my last entry regarding going back to school are weighing on me. Perhaps I am fooling myself. Perhaps dealing with this beast of an illness is going to consume more of my life than I choose to believe that it will.

There will never be a 'clean bill of health' for my disorder. This will be with me forever. And will I forever be unqualified for any respectable job worth getting a degree for because of my mental stability. Yeah yeah I know all about my civil rights, but we also know it's a bunch of bullshit, if someone doesn't want to hire you they will find a way.

Perhaps I should just chuck the whole idea and keep trying to plug along as a writer.......I don't know what to do. I feel like I am floating out there aimless. And Anonymous is probably right, I am not at ALL ready for a major life change like school. But being in the mixed manic state I have been in the last two days and the 'excited phone calls' from the used car dealer guidance rep, I got wrapped up in something that is a pipe dream for me.....

I don't want to grow up to be nothing....LOL Yes I know I am quite grown up, and I will never be nothing. I just wanted to be more.