Little Boys with BIG TOYS....

If you look closely in this pic you will see my sons riding shotgun to cut wheat as their Uncle Roscoe (no not his real name, but the name he answers to) drives the combine. They were just in hog heaven! Obviously the date on the camera is waaaaaay off, it was my MIL's camera, but this was taken in early July. They had so much fun, and I just love this pic so much I had to share it (I've actually been meaning to post it for quite some time, but kept forgetting...imagine that!)! It's moments like these that make me happy to be raising my kids in the country!

Ok maybe Goddess was too strong of a word......

My freaking arms are killing ME! Geez Louise...how do people use a weed eater every week? Granted I had more than just your average weeds around the house to contend with....I practically weeded the whole farm like any certified manic chick would do...but Good God I am in PAIN today!!!!

On a totally different note...I applied for a job. I sent my resume in for a job opening locally as a Parent Educator. It's only 27 hours a week, but would pan out to be a little more pay than I am making now at home and I could make my own hours. So if I were to the job, it is my hope that I could just work three 9 hour days T, W, TH and then have M, F home with my boys. I am excited, I have no idea if I will get the job or not, but it's a job I have wanted for quite a while. My oldest son participated in a program through this organization due to a speech delay and he loved having his 'teacher' come out every other week! That is what my job would consist of, visiting families on a regular basis for children who are at risk for developmental delays and working with parents to better their skills in dealing with the child's needs...among other duties. Keep your fingers crossed for me. This may be my way out of doing home day care while not having to totally give up my SAHM status. Yes I will be away from them 3 days a week, but lately that doesn't seem like such a bad thing. If that makes me a bad Mama so be it.....

Another big bonus is that it will get my foot in the door with this organization so that perhaps I can get a full time job with them at some point. In addition they offer tuition reimbursement for employees who want to further their education...HELLO....it might be a while before I qualify for all that, but this is an organization I could see myself making a career out of. If I get the job. I am not exactly what they were hoping for, it is my understanding that they are hoping for someone with a Bachelor's degree. But I have a many years experience in the Early Childhood Development field, and I have certification to be a Child Care Director for any facilities in Illinois an I have served in those positions before, so I have many years of experience behind me...if not the actual education. In my opinion experience often outweighs textbook learning ten times over!

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Hail to the Domestic Goddess of Words and Weeds

No no not that kind of weed...LOL! I did something today that my husband would have squawked and had a fit over! I used the weed eater! He has been working very late each night because they are short handed where he works and the yard work just wasn't getting done. Well he and I kind of have this arrangement...it goes like this, I am not allowed to do the yard work, which I bitch and moan about, but secretly am glad I don't have to do it. Just like he thinks he is not allowed to do laundry or dishes, but unbeknownst to him I would would be thrilled if he traded in his lawn mower for dishpan hands!

We are having family pictures taken tonight and I decided to have the photographer come here to our house so we could have pics taken outside and on our porch. We have two ponds and lots of acreage so there are many many places to stage photos for the kids. However the weed situation was getting out of control! Sooooooo I took my little country butt out to the garage and found the weed eater. I read the instructions on how to start it...and then re-read them. And then I fired her up and off we went....shredding the life out of the cocky weeds who had taken over my yard!!! I felt like Superwoman...

Yes I live a sheltered life.

I am happy to report that not only did I NOT injure myself or anyone else...but that I did a pretty damn good job too! The place looks great. But can I just say my hands shook for like 2 hours from all the vibration (you'd think I'd be used to that *wink wink*) and my forearms are killing me!!! I used muscles I didn't know I had!

The Other Life...on the Dream Side

The meds I am taking seem to produce very vivid and realistic dreams everynight. Some of them are funny, some are strange. Some are even sexy. I could write some odd little collection of short stories based on my intoxicated dreams lately.

Last night was a doozy. I can't really tell you about it. You'll just have to use your imagination. It involved sex...and not with my husband...hey I can't control my dreams right? But I woke up this morning still reeling from the consequences of the dream....pregnancy. I thought for about 10 seconds after I woke up that I really was pregnant and didn't know how I was going to tell my husband. Then I chuckled at myself. I think if you looked up Drama Queen in the dictionary I would at least be the 4th definition.

Good Morning Folks! How was your dream life last night?

A little ditty

I could grumble about my husband
But I won't
I could tell you I feel chipper
But I don't

I could say to you,
How do you do?
I could act like I care
When you say "Oh I'm fair"

I could write about Obama,
And my fondness for his wife
I could bitch about conservatives
But I couldn't care less tonight.

I could growl about my health
And the hand that I've been dealt
But I know there's those far worse
And my piddly problems just make them curse.

I could write a little ditty
About travelling to the city
Esacping my life
A terrible wife.

I could write you a song
I could sing all night long,
Of the giggles and grins
Of my beautiful children

But instead
I am off to bed
Too tired to grumble
Or muble
Just stumble.
Too tired to write
Though I'm feeling contrite
Too tired to sing
Too tired for anything.
But thanks for stopping by,
Next time I will try
To actually care
If you are only doing fair.

Let it Die

I am sure that I am way behind the times in my discovery of the song “Let it Die” by the Foo Fighters. (Give me a break, I'm stuck with Barney and Laurie Berkner everyday) I felt compelled to blog about it. WOW! I wonder how long he held that in before he had to put a pen to paper to scream his sentiments to Kurt Cobain. I can sympathize.

As a member of the Nirvana generation, I can honestly say that his death affected me profoundly, especially the manner of his death. This man, this voice, who spoke my thoughts and sang my truths….this man who represented every nonconformity that blossomed out of my rebel soul….threw it all away by chewing the wrong end off of a shot gun. Much like Janis Joplin and Jim Morrison before him, here was a man with a message, a vision, a pied piper to millions of young people begging for guidance and desperate for reassurance that we were not alone in our isolation and pain. Confused and rejected, abused and neglected…Nirvana was our megaphone. The album Nevermind is probably top on my list of life changing musical discoveries. And I discovered it before it was cool, before it had radio or MTV play. Some of my punk rock comrades had discovered the band through the underground network and we all began sharing bootleg copies of several of the songs on their upcoming album, including Smells Like Teen Spirit…to this day that song makes me feel young and anxious. I wish I still had a copy of the original, unpolished, un-produced version...it was absolutely amazing.

Dave Grohl clearly was blindsided by the death of his friend and band mate. The lyrics speak for themselves when he says “Why’d you have to go and let it die?”, repeated over and over as if he is trying to say them enough times to reach the afterlife and let Kurt hear them and ponder them. And his anger at having his dreams dashed by this one stupid moment... “Did you ever think of me? You’re so considerate. Did you ever think of me? Oh, you’re so considerate!” Not to mention the reference to Kurt’s blushing bride, Courtney Love.

Oddly enough upon a google search, Grohl claims this song is not about Kurt……Bullshit.

Good News Good News Good News!!!!

He woke up!! He woke up at 5:30 this morning! He doesn't remember anything, and they still don't have a lot of answers, but the most important thing at this point is that he is awake!!! I firmly believe in the power of prayer and we did a lot of it last night!

River, my 4 year old, has the Catholic meal prayer committed to memory...so that is the prayer he recited last night to pray for Curtis. Then he asked his Daddy how Curtis was going to hear the prayer...Daddy explained that God would hear the prayer and take care of Curtis....then River asked Daddy a very important question about God...."What is he wearing?" That was a question Daddy didn't have an answer for.....

Many Prayers Needed!!!

I just got a horrible phone call. My best friend Beth's younger brother had a massive siezure last night and is currently in a coma. He is only 17 years old. He has been unresponsive for the last 24 hours and when he does come too for a few moments he doesn't recognize the family and at times has been very combative. They have run test after test and have no idea yet what could possibly be wrong. A possible infection in the lining of his brain has been discussed, but this family is absolutely terrified. Please please please if you are the praying sort send up some prayers for them. I am at a loss for words...

If you follow her blog this is Bethany from Journey of a 20 Something Country Gal

The Blind leading The Blind?

So...if the idea of going back to school to finish my BA, at the least, is still on the table....is it odd that I am leaning towards Psychology, given my recent issues? I have considered such a degree for years, but now I am wondering if I would be setting myself up for trouble if I dedicate myself to a career dealing with other people's mental health. There is a huge part of me that feels my own life experience, especially now, but including my childhood that can lend an empathetic understanding to people I would be working with. I would eventually like to earn my Master's and continue on as a therapist....but what happens when I am having a hard time myself. It would not be good to be listening to a suicidal patient while I am in the throes of depression myself....I can see the headlines now "Therapist and Patient throw themselves off local bridge...." That would not be good....and yes I am poking fun at a serious topic...but it's a logical scenario right? I mean even with the best meds and therapy in the world I am going to have ups and downs... and what happens on those days when I have to face someone who is struggling and I am struggling too? How does that work? We go to the local pub and get smashed and hope tomorrow is a better day for both of us???

My other option is an English degree. Obviously writing is my passion, literature is too. However, around here, out in the boonies, the best I can hope for is to be an English teacher at the local Jr. College...more likely a high school teacher. And everyone hates their English teacher LOL! Everyone except me of course! It was my favorite class. I actually enjoyed writing term papers! I made some good money in Jr. College writing term papers for other students :0)~ Always the saint... but see then I just spent the money on beer and weed. A smart girl would have socked it away to help pay for another 2 years of school. I wasn't the brightest or most ambitious of gals back then....give me a live band and a dime bag and I was happy for the night! What I wouldn't give to redo a lot of those years.

So that is the dilemma of the moment....anybody got any brilliant ideas?

The Little Engine that Couldn't?

I am starting to doubt myself for the first time in a long time. I am usually the ballsy, take on the world, I can conquer anything kind of chick. But I am starting to have serious doubts about my ability to handle going back to school, while trying to hold down enough jobs to pay the bills, and manage my illness at the same time......I want that degree like a fat girl wants cake!! And trust me on that, I am a fat girl! :0)

But what if I can't do it? I can't put my family into that kind of debt simply to fail. I am notorious for starting big projects or having big plans and ideas that I abandon once they are no longer exciting or stimulating. (what we now know is a common symptom of my illness) And let's face it, school isn't always going to be exciting or stimulating. In fact it's going to down right SUCK sometimes. But I WANT THAT DEGREE......I was deciding on Psychology or English....now I am just trying to decide whether I even have the balls to try. What has happened to me?

Dr. Dan the Man

Well it's official. And it is Bipolar. Bipolar II to be exact, less severe than Bipolar I which is a good thing. I really like my Doctor...we'll call him Dr. Dan. Who at the moment is known as Dan the Man...mostly just cause I like the sound of it, but also because I feel relieved and hopeful about the future. There's a lot of work to do, and we will be trying out new medicine, which might be a journey all it's own. But tonight I feel confident that someone who knows what they are doing is taking charge of my care. No offense to my family practitioner, he is awesome as well...but in his own words "I ain't that kind of doc!".

So Dr. Dan listened to me jabber on and on about my life for a while.....funny how when you try the hardest not to sound crazy your words start spitting out of you like a machine gun and you sound like a raving lunatic. I have had some trouble in the last few weeks speaking my thoughts clearly. Dr. Dan said that is caused by one of my meds....that med is going and another is being reduced. Maybe I won't feel like such a foggy mess by this time next week.

Oh and by the way there was no dark velvet couch...however...there were comfy velveteen chairs. Ha! I almost laughed out loud when I walked in.

Anyhoo, Dr. Dan gave me some interesting facts about Bipolar Disorder. He said that 9 out of 10 patients who are diagnosed as having BPD are actually misdiagnosed. But he said "You, my dear, are a classic true case of Bipolar II"...ok he didn't say 'my dear' that was simply for dramatic flair...:0)~

He also took the time to bring my husband in and help me reinforce the facts about BPD and the fact that I have no control over the mood swings. I was able to express to my husband in a neutral environment how hard it is on me to swing from one end of the spectrum to the other. I am not totally convinced that he will heed all the advice and facts, but at least he has been given them. I can only control myself, I am done trying to smooth things over for everyone else. I have my hands full with my own crazy ass right now!

Stay tuned...we're in for an interesting ride.

Oh just a funny note to make you chuckle. My two year old was watching me get dressed for bed tonight and he said "Mommy...I see your nickles!!" I wanted to tell him he will be fascinated with those damn things (nipples) for the rest of his life! MEN.....

D Day

Well today is the day.....the day I go see Dr. Whatshisname with the M.D. behind it, in an office adorned with leather bound books regarding the latest and greatest theories in mental health. There of course will be a few tomes from Freud simply for the nostalgia factor... I am picturing the proverbial couch...I hope it's velvet in some rich dark color, but it's probably some lame, cheaply upholstered chair with wooden arms. Yes Yes I am being a drama queen...sue me. I am in a good mood at the moment. Or at least a good enough mood to make some attempt at humor.

I am a bit nervous about this appointment. I fear that I will be rushed through a list of questions like

"Are you suicidal?"
"No"
"Are you homicidal?"
"No"
"Do you still remember to brush your teeth everyday?"
"Yes"
"Well then you're not that bad off, keep taking your meds, suck it up, grow some balls and quit being a cry baby!"

Yes I realize it's not going to go like that....not exactly anyway. But I do fear that the fact that my extremes aren't that extreme (yet anyway) is going to classify me in some 'brush off' category. And I don't want a brush off. I am scared and freaked out by all this. I want a savior to swoop in and tell me everything is going to be alright, we can fix this, you will get better, you aren't loosing your mind.....and I know that expecting a savior is unrealistic as well. I guess I just really don't know what to expect. I am not looking forward to airing all my dirty laundry and coughing up all my sins and bad behavior that seem to put the pieces of my illness together like a puzzle, even from a civilian point of view like mine.

So it's D Day

Decisions Day...
Doubts Day...
Dismal Day?
Dedication Day?
Determined Day!
Disconnect Day?
Deactivate Day?
or perhaps simply Disturbed Day.....

My one hope is that my husband will listen and take some time to be educated about BPD. We may not survive this if he doesn't. Every mood and change in behavior he takes upon himself. The concept or idea that perhaps this is just occurring to me for no other reason than the fact that I have BPD is foreign to him. He has to find a reason, and he usually looks at himself for those reasons. He needs guidance too. I hope they give it, I hope he takes it.

Blue Moon...

Well the vacation was everything we hoped it would be...right up until the last day when I woke up with a terrible bout of depression creeping up on me, desperately missing my kids and cutting the day short to leave in the morning so I could hold them. When I am feeling better I'll tell you all about our quaint little cabin and utter relaxation that just ooozed out of us for more than 24 hours....

For now I am just dealing with one minute at a time. My brain just betrays me so much. It is beyond frustrating. I have absolutely nothing to be 'blue' about today. Nothing. Yet finding the strength to muster a smile and 'fake it' for the kids is draining me. I want to crawl back in my dark dungeon of a bedroom and hide out.....a fine way to return from vacation eh?

Seeing the Head Shrinker tomorrow. Perhaps he has some magic wand or sledgehammer he can wield around.....I wish...

Ramblings of a hypomanic vacation packer

So clearly my mania is kicking into high gear over this whole weekend vacation deal. All I really need to pack is a swimsuit and some underwear…or maybe just the swimsuit…but my brain is going 100 mph with the following random thoughts.

Have to pack my skillet…their cookware will surely be crappy
Baked Potatoes or Sweet Potatoes?
Find Hubby’s swimsuit
Sunscreen
A jar of strawberry jam from the freezer
Make cinnamon rolls?
Make brownies?
Make a pie?
Buy cinnamon rolls even though mine taste better?
Buy brownies even though mine taste better?
Screw the pie, I’m fat enough….
Pillows! Must take my own pillows….
Get a raft to float on.
Find some books in my collection I haven’t read yet.
Maybe grab a few old standbys I can read over and over
Maybe Ya Ya's
What to do about the cat?
Steaks or Chops?
Shave legs
Maybe take that bottle of Cruzan we bought in St. Thomas 4 years ago and finally open it
REMEMBER MEDS!
Should I make some dipshit? (our favorite cheeseball recipe)
Are there enough veggies in the garden to take for salad?
Make some homemade bread?
Stop coming up with more things to bake!
Will my period be over by then?
Do I even have a sex drive anymore?
Maybe my meds are doing that….
Sex toys! (Oh sorry, probably way TMI!)
REMEMBER MEDS!
Do laundry and clean house before we go….
Take camera?
What if it rains?
Eggs….oh and bacon…
Mmm tomatoes….BLT ~ two meals taken care of! Yay!
Miracle whip...can't have BLT without Miracle Whip
Why am I a lunatic who has to plan everything down to the tiniest detail.

It’s less than a 48 hour vacation people!!!!! Why do I have to be such a FREAK about everything? This is only half the stuff going through my brain this afternoon. All I really need to do is toss some undies in a bag with a loaf of bread and some bologna and GO RELAX…but no…I have to be Martha Stewart about everything…geeez…I need a vacation! LOL!

A weekend getaway!

Hubby and I will be celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary on Monday....he decided we needed to go somewhere. Not just out for dinner and a movie blah blah blah but GO SOMEWHERE. I was tickled! Yay! Escape! No poopy diapers and whining and crying and fighting! Although, you know me, I can't bear to be gone too long or too far....so I found us a cozy little cottage on a lake an hour away from here! We totally can't afford it, but absolutely need it....LOL Story of my life!

I actually haggled the guy down quite a bit on the price...I explained we don't have a boat and will not be using the boathouse etc etc etc....and I told him we could easily spend a weekend in St. Louis for the price he was asking....(lie...ok maybe if we stayed at the Best Western and ate PBnJ all weekend). And of course my final kicker was my offering price was better than making NO MONEY because the cabin was going to sit empty all weekend....He took the bait. Damn I'm good! That or I'm just a bitch...either way I saved $100!

Here is the cabin, nothing fancy, but it looks like heaven to me....peace and quiet. I am going to curl up in that hammock with a good book for most of Saturday!

Here is the view of the lake from the cabin. It has it's own sandy beach so we can swim and the upper level of the boat house has a swing on it so we can sit out there and just watch the water. We have some friends who summer at the lake too so we are going to hang out with them a bit and do some boating, preferably the slow trolling around the lake kind of boating, while consuming large amounts of fruity tequila spiked drinks. I am so excited to get away! And super excited that we won't be that far away.

Although can I just say the weekend I was starting to plan for us was actually in St. Louis and Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band are playing Saturday night?!!.......Yes I gave up tickets to see the Boss for this lakehouse.....I must be in desperate need of solitude....the old me would have NEVER EVER EVER done that! But I knew if we went to the city I would not relax, I would go go go go go go go until I couldn't go anymore, cause that's just how I am. I drive my husband nuts when we go to the city. And I've seen Bruce before....and I suppose my absence won't affect his performance in the slightest....although he may sense a small nagging loss at my not being there......

Ha! I wish!

I finally said NO!

For the first time in a long time I decided to politely unload my plate of several of it's responsibilities. I called the pregnant Mommies who are expecting in Jan and Feb and informed them that I would not be taking on any new children, and that instead I would be focusing on my education. I will still have two full time children here, plus my own, and two after school kids. After my day with the baby yesterday (which went great actually!) I decided that adding two more babies to this mix would be horrible for me. Stress is clearly a trigger for meltdowns for me, and I need to be pro-active in avoiding it. The 'old me' felt like I could juggle anything and would have gladly taken on a housefull of babies, a college curriculum and my regular 24/7 job of Mommy...in addition to the tavern, the bank, and sewing. God who the hell did I think I was fooling? People used to ask me all the time "How do you DO ALL THIS?" and I just used to smile. Living in Mania Land.....Oh that was such a happy place...

It is clear to me now that I am slowly killing myself. And think I am running from myself. Keeping myself so busy, kept me from having to deal with ME....and I knew I was cracking up. I have felt it for months. Well...no more. I am not putting myself in that position anymore. Obviously hubby and I both want me to still be a SAHM, but if we can't make the budget work with a smaller workload we will have to figure something else out. I put my notice in at the bank, a looooong notice, and basically told them I want out by the end of the year. (It will take every bit of that amount of time before the boss man gets the gumption to actually try to hire someone), and I am reducing my workload at the tavern. I have to be realistic. I am only one person. And I am allowed to say No. I am not Superwoman.....despite my sparkly underpants and funky boots....

The Couch Session

Remember when I was talking about the tidal wave? The massive wall of depression that was about to fall on me and devour me, and yet I was powerless to stop it.....

I have that same dreadful feeling as my appointment with my 'head shrinker' approaches. I know that he, or a counselor of his choosing is going to want to pry into my brain and cough up all my dirty little secrets. All the skeletons in my closet are going to have to be dragged out and tried on for size and analyzed for their particular impact on my once fragile infantile psyche.....

See I've been through this therapy shit already....many times! I can't believe I am even going to spill this to the entire world, but when I was 14 my mom had me 'committed' to a adolescent psych unit for 4 weeks (that was how long the insurance would cover)...she claimed I had tried or wanted to kill myself....which was a complete and total lie! She blurted out in a family therapy session that I made 'her want to kill herself'....rather quickly my therapy switched from WTF is wrong with you? To how the hell do we get this girl out of here? A dear friend's parents even went so far as to look into adopting me....(Love You Fessels!) but there I was stuck, for 4 weeks in a mental hospital. My stepfather whisked my mother away to Canada for a vacation...running I am sure from the things I might spill in my therapy sessions....he didn't quite think through his little plan to get rid of me. The 'experts' expressed concerns that they felt I had been sexually abused and put me in group therapy but I never coughed up all my secrets. I am stubborn as hell, always have been. Still am. And I am sick and fucking' tired of being asked.

Can't the results just suffice for the answers? Isn't it clear that I am fucked up? Do I really have to vomit up my past? Can't we just leave it in the landfill in the back of my brain and pile all my other bad but less traumatic memories on top it...pile it so high that maybe we can convince my brain it doesn't even exist?

I didn't intend to blog about this tonight but for some reason it is just pouring out of me and I am rolling with it....Let me paint a picture for you of what life was like for 12 year old me....My mom worked all the time, probably 2 jobs actually to pay the bills. My dad was a deadbeat who might slip her a $50 and buy me candy if he ever came around. Meanwhile my mother, as we know now, was suffering terribly. I am sure fighting the demons in her head that had to be starting to creep up on her even when I was a child had to be maddening and frightening.....Then along comes Mr. Wonderful. Mr. Wonderful who already has a wife...but he's taking care of that promptly. Mr. Wonderful who has met this troubled attractive woman with a busty blossoming beautiful young girl and swoops in to care for us. To rescue us.....at a price. So many things I see now that I couldn't see then. Things that happened within his own first family that are too disgusting for me to even think about and then he walked into our family.......but I was stubborn. I didn't make it easy....but I was smart....I knew I was being manipulated, groomed, prepared, romanced.....I kept my mouth shut . My mom seemed so happy. I would be blamed. I was always trouble and it would be my fault somehow. So this tip toeing ensued while I kept my silence. Then finally he makes his move....

He fucked with the wrong girl though....I've been a tough mother fucker since I was tot. I scared him off....and he stayed away....for a while.....

Long story short, in my late teens, as my mother is loosing her mind, divorcing him because she is having paranoid delusions about him, I make the mistake of telling her things that actually ARE true about him...but she is so clouded by her illness she disregards them. She divorced him. Four months later she remarried him. I suppose leaving an 18 year old girl a house, rent free, was supposed to be consolation enough for what I had had to endure.....they moved away and I didn't hear from them for several months.

I spent most of my nights alone, smoking pot, writing poetry and trying loose myself in the flow or words. I eventually consumed enough drugs to forget, for a while, that the real world outside my door was hell.

Fast forward 5 years later, to my wedding day. A day I cannot have my mother attend because she is convinced that my ex-stepdad (they have re-divorced by then) is going to murder me at my wedding....even tries to hire my half brother and my dad as hitmen....bad bad bad scene.....but I held my head high and had my wedding just as I'd planned....pretending not to hear the whispers of 'Where is her Mom?"......

Fast forward 4 months to a knock on my door in the middle of the night. My mom. Estranged from me. Asked to stay away until she would get help and stay on her meds.....asking if we can be a family again. Her eyes almost begging and screaming at me not to turn her away. I ask if she is taking her meds...knowing by the energy bouncing off of her that she is not. "No" she says defiantly. "Then no we cannot be a family again...." As she turned to leave I grabbed her by the shoulders and turned her around to look at me. I looked her square in the eye and said "But I LOVE YOU! I Love You! I Love You! Nothing is going to change that" and I hugged her. She didn't hug back. She never hugged back...even as a kid...she always just limply put her hand at your waist...she left quietly....

She passed away 2 weeks later. God gave me the gift of being able to say goodbye. I will never forget his kindness for that.....

So see...there are reasons I am fucked up. And they are reasons I thought I didn't want to talk about but apparently just spilled them all to you...think I can just print my blog out and give it to my therapist and tell her to give me a call when she's gotten up to speed on things? Ha! And I can write this shit so much easier than I can say it. Some of the things I have written above I cannot and have not spoken about...I don't know why I chose tonight to purge. But there ya have it.

I just dread having to drag all of this back up again. I know how emotionally draining it is....how hard and sickening and frightening. Nothing reduces you back to being a child like recalling childhood trauma.

A Very Good Day Indeed

Well I think I may have discovered the secret to combining my meds at the right time of the day to prevent the zombie effects. Remember the pharmaceutical phreak out day? Yeah...well the proper dose of my antidepressants make me feel like I have shot a speed ball into my veins and the proper dose of my BP meds make me feel like I have just been given pre-operative anesthesia....I had stopped taking the high dose of the antidepressant because I could NOT handle the 'speed' effects. And I have been struggling with finding the right time of day to take the BP meds because I am so damn sleepy...which was resulting in NOT taking them at the proper time each day. Soooooo I took a chance yesterday and just took both drugs, two pills of each (my current prescribed dose) *gulp* and hoped for the best. I was hoping that perhaps the two side effects would cancel each other out.....it worked! Actually I probably had just enough of the 'upper' effect to become the Energizer Bunny for the day. My house is clean clean clean, I did 6 loads of laundry, 4 of which got hung outside, AND I folded and put them all away (I have a bad habit of leaving baskets full of clean laundry unattended).....All 4 beds got clean linens, all the bills got paid (a few of them a bit late....) all the bathrooms scrubbed, dishes done, and my neighbor stopped in with a gallon of blackberries, so I made two blackberry cobblers too.....hubby took the boys to grandma's to deliver one to them in the evening, and I got to spend two hours ALONE...in the bathtub, watching soap operas! :0)~

It was a great day. A very low stress day, despite all the activity. I think having the older kids back at school was the real magic pill.

Today I have a baby coming, and we are all excited. He is a friend's little boy and they needed a back up sitter today. The only plans on the agenda today are to play play play! Babies and toddlers are my comfort zone as far as kids go. I worked for several years as an Assistant Director for a daycare facility in town and I had the infant room. 4 babies all day...most people thought I was nuts...I loved it. It was a dream job (except for the pay)...and the best birth control on the planet!!! :0)~

Ok so I am still grounded so any of you that have sent me e-mails, for some reason my connection is balking at that more than it is at being on Blogger...so leave me a message here if it is urgent. Thanks again for all the support ya'll! And I promise I will catch up on all your blogs as soon as I get 'ungrounded'...I am having Blog Withdrawal. I wonder if they make a pill for that too? LOL!!

Primitive Living with a Crazy Bitch

Living without the internet has forced me into a primitive lifestyle. I have had to rely on my iPod and Satellite TV for entertainment. Goodness me, how did anyone have any fun before technology?! LOL! I've even had to talk to my friends on the telephone *gasp* because I can't check my e-mail!! I even went out for supper with Beth last night....a face to face meeting out it in the real world! Perhaps lack of technology isn't such a bad thing! Maybe I should cancel my internet altogether....Ha! As if....

I am hoping I have enough 'juice' to post this blog. I wasn't able to get online all weekend....

Actually I have been sewing a lot and have almost finished the 'wedding dress' project. It has turned out lovely and I am very excited about it. I have been listening to music a lot and even considered trying to teach myself to play the harmonica, or french harp as my hillbilly father calls it. Wouldn't that be a hoot?! LOL! I have one......whether I have the ambition is a whole other story....

So, not many new Divine Secrets from the Pastoral Princess at the moment. Still adjusting to meds and learning to deal with the ups and downs. It's funny, I have surely always had these rapid mood swings....or at least for a good long while now, but since I have been officially diagnosed it's as if everyone in my life, including me is acutely aware of them now. My husband is especially sensitive to this...and is extremely frustrated that a pill didn't cure me....It's impossible to explain to him, and he has yet to take the initiative to try and educate himself about BPD, I have several books that I have been scouring and there are limitless resources on the net (oh wait....we are grounded from that) but I think he just wants it to all go away.

He was wonderful when the first initial breakdown....but now I feel like he is just tired of the whole affair and wants it to go away. He keeps talking about 'getting me on some medication that actually works, cause this isnt' working' etc....I've tried to explain to him that there is no pill that is going to turn me into a stepford wife. Sick or not I am gonna have bad moods, bitchy days, sad days, happy days and energetic days....I am human. But since the diagnosis of BPD I feel like everything has changed, and not just with him but our entire family.... What used to be brushed off as "what the hell crawled up her butt today?" has now become "Oh, she's having an episode"....

I just love being the crazy bitch in town. :0)~ I am hoping my Dr. will educate him a bit. We go Aug 26th.....

The Wedding Dress

I am working on a sewing project right now that has been a fabulous distraction for the madness and a pacifier for the hypomania when it occurs. My friend Beth whose blog you can find HERE, and her family have commissioned me to do a very very special and scared project for them. Her grandparents 50th wedding anniversary is at the end of the month. They asked me to take the tiny tattered 50 year old wedding dress and stitch a keepsake for them. They're Grandma was actually going to throw it away!! She found it cleaning out her closet and decided to pitch it...thankfully one of the daughters snagged it from her!!!

It started out as just a simple piece that would be framed, but you know me....grandiose they say right?...Once I started cutting into this fragile piece of material, which felt horrible at first, like I was cutting into a living thing...who cuts up a beautiful old wedding dress?!, I decided that I can't let any of the material go to waste. Not one piece. Sooooooo I decided that I would make small little pillows for all of the daughters and granddaughters, with a small ivory ribbon attached at the top so they could hang them from a peg shelf or a door knob if they wanted. I thought how wonderful it would be for all of these women to have a piece of this dress that symbolized the union that created all of them.

Of course I can't ever do anything simple....it is imperitive that my creations be something that nobody has ever seen and something with a "WOW" factor. (you'd think maybe we would have caught onto some of this BPD stuff a long time ago LOL!) Sooooo anyway....I have all the material accounted for, every piece will be used in some fashion or another....except....this thin gauze like material that was used as a lining in the collar (picture a sailor suit kind of collar)...it is yellowed and fragile and there is no way it would make it through a sewing machine. So I got into my best Pooh Bear pose "think think think...." I was not going to throw one piece of this dress away...... and then the light bulb went off!! ROSES!!! I could cut scraps and roll them into roses and used them to adorn the pillows for the daughters and granddaughters. I figured the process would be very similar to making flowers with icing, when I am making cakes....so I tried and tried and finally got the hang of it and now there are piles of this dingy, yellowed, fragile little roses ready to be adorned onto the pillows. I was so proud of myself last night I could just bust!!!

I am sure most of you could give a rats ass about this...but it made me happy, and it's high time I wrote about something happy for a change, don't ya think?? LOL

Comfortably Numb

Hellooooo Helloooo...is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me? Is there anyone at home?

I feel like I am functioning at a numb, tolerable yet not fully functioning level. It's hard to explain. I don't want my life to revolve around my illness...I never intended for my blog to be a running commentary of my latest drug and therapy trials. When I started this blog I didn't know I was sick. I don't like that every single moment of my life right now seems to always hangs somewhere between "am I OK right now?" and "am I falling back down again?"....but that's what it feels like I am doing. I keep trying to tell myself that as I get used to living with this, start a more clear course of treatment and find the best way to quiet the beast I will feel better....but that destination seems like a long long journey and my horse is tired....

I need rest. I know this. It's hard to find even the remote possibility of rest....If only I had a nanny! LOL!

The Wrecking Ball

Music has been a saving grace for me in the last 4 weeks, and I find myself listening to those deep melodic haunting tunes that sometimes lift you up and bring you down simultaneously. I had to laugh at myself though when I first started to write this post. You know you've lost your marbles when you start to write a blog post that you have already written....almost the exact same post written in March....The Secret Garden but what is even more startling to me is the symptoms I was showing of bipolar disorder even then. I describe the racing thoughts......hmmm....that was a bit heartbreaking to me.

Anyhoo...so I came up with an equally beautiful song that I have been listening to a lot and rewrote a new blog post!

Gillian Welch has a beautiful song she recorded with Old Crow Medicine Show that affects me deeply lately. Do you ever feel, when you hear a certain song, that somehow your soul is connected to another simply through the sheer coincidence of circumstance? And when the words flow out of them they feel as if they could have just as easily fallen from your own heart? She has as song called Wrecking Ball that I have fallen deeply in love with. These are her words, which feel like a word for word description of my young adulthood, minus a few minor details:

Look out boys, cause I’m a rolling stone,
Least that’s what I was when I first left home.
I took every secret that I’d every known,
and headed for the wall
Like a wrecking ball.

I started down on that road of sin,
Playin’ bass under a pseudonym
And the days are rough and it’s all quite dim
But my mind cuts through it all
Like a wrecking ball

Oh…I’s just a little Dead Head
Who is watching?
Who is watching?
I’s just a little Dead Head

A fallen daughter, on a scholarship.
I got tired and let my average slip
Then I’s a farmer in the poke and lip
Where the wee that I recall….
Was like a wrecking ball.

I met a love sick daughter
Out of San Joaquin
She showed me colors, I’d never seen
Then drank the bottom out of my canteen
And left me in the fall….

Like a wrecking ball.

Hey boys!
I’s a little Dead Head
Who is watching?
Who is watching?
I was just a little Dead Head
With too much trouble for me to shake
Whoa and the weather and the blinding ache

We were riding high until the 89 quake
Hit the Santa Cruz Garden Mall
Like a wrecking ball…

Well the 89 California quake did not affect me, but events that occurred in 1989 changed my life forever. My life would never be the same. And while I never played a guitar under a pseudonym, I certainly spent many years trying to hide myself, trying to be someone else, anyone else but who I really was…lest I have to face the parts of me that weren’t so pleasant. Even down to the fallen daughter out of San Joaquin….Wanda you know that’s you darlin’….showing me colors I’d never seen, drank the bottom out of my canteen (Honey Brown Beer anyone?)…then leaving me in the fall…like a wrecking ball. Doesn’t that describe “Us” so beautifully? And Wanda is someone who remembers the little Dead Head I used to be…the little hippie child who never wanted to speak of her own life, just quietly listen to yours. The girl who seemed full of dark secrets, but nobody could crack the code…..

Girls like Wanda and I never escape the wrecking ball. Sometimes we ARE the wrecking ball, sometimes we are standing frozen, watching it slowly swing in our direction, helpless to stop it…..welcome to the wonderful world of madness. This song reminds me of us, the two of us and the maddening journey we have traveled together all these years. Sometimes I wonder if she didn’t have to suffer in order to be able to help me survive it….her wisdom and experience carries me through my days.

This song is just amazingly beautiful and if you’ve never heard it, find it! I got it from iTunes, but can’t find it for my playlist. There is the original version on Project Playlist, but it is not nearly as beautiful and soulful as the version with OCMS...but worth a listen. I just don't want it on my playlist because it sullies my fondness for it.

The Beast of Burden

Well somehow I went from feeling ten times better this week to being rapidly sucked back into the abyss of depression. I mentioned yesterday I was feeling melancholy. By the end of the day I was full on distressed. I guess I had what doctors describe as a mixed episode, which after paying attention to patterns of behavior and emotions that I have experienced in the past few months, is pretty common for me. By the time my daycare kids all went home my head was screaming so loudly, my migraine excuse really wasn't a lie at all. Every sound they made echoed in my ears 1000 times louder than it should have been and every squeal and scream sent my brain folding in itself. I managed to 'function' until my husband got home but then back into the dark dungeon of my bedroom I went. Hiding under the covers in silence, with a fan on to block out noise and a pillow over my head for good measure. Apparently I stayed this way for 3 hours, completely oblivious to the fact that my MIL (who is becoming much more informed and understanding about this by the way) came over and cleaned my house...took the kids home with her, and tried to calm my husband down. I don't think I really slept....dozed maybe....but I mostly just tried to calm the engines in my head, which seemed to think it was a good time for Daytona 500 to take place.

So on to the husband. He is more devastated now than he was two weeks ago. I think he thought I could just take my pills and be fine forever and we could go on about our merry *ha* way. I've tried to explain to him that this is something that I will be dealing with forever. There is no magic fix. Medication and therapy are going to be vital parts of keeping on top of this and staying healthy....but nothing 'cures' this. I wish he would read some of the literature I have bought in the last few weeks....but he hasn't bothered. It's easier to just blame doctors and my job and every other stressor in my life than to try to understand the nature of the beast.

If I can just get through these next two days with my rowdy school kids I will be ok. I know now it's the stress of their fighting and yelling at each other, the constant pestering, wrestling, noise and chaos that triggers that little thing in my brain to cry "Gentleman....start your engines!" and then some little bipolar demon waves the green flag and they're off......

We have an Olympic day planned today. We made medals yesterday and are planning events like and obstacle course, discus toss (frisbee), relay races, and shot put (big rock throw).....if I can keep that interesting and hold off the

"Hey that's not fair!"
"He cheated!"
"It was MY turn!"
"I quit, this isn't fair!"
"You didn't do it right!"
"He hit me!"
"He kicked me first!"

then maybe I will survive. I keep trying to tell myself....It's supposed to be fun! Think positive. If I assume the kids are going to be turd heads....they will.

Oh did I mention that on our way to Red Hill State Park the other day, the day we had soooooo much fun, that on the way there I had to stop the car twice to yell at the school kids who would not stop hitting and slapping in the back seat? Yeah.....I love my job. Two more days.

Seroquel - A patient's review part 1

I was prescribed Seroquel 9 days ago for Bipolar Disorder. I have yet to recieve my official diagnosis of Bipolar I or Bipolar II but I strongly suspect I fall into the Bipolar II category, although I am not a doctor so who knows.....

I will be completely honest in admitting that it freaked me out that this drug is also used to treat more serious mental illnesses such as schizophrenia. I know that is completely prejudiced and I am throwing stones in my completely fragile glass house, but I am only mentioning that for the benefit of someone else who might have the same reservations. My advice...give it a shot. It is working well for me.

The episdode that precipiated the diagnosis and prescription was one of hypomania that probably lasted several weeks, if not months followed by a severe bout with depression. During the depressive episode I was also experiencing multiple anxiety attacks that seemed to just get more and more intense with each episode. I had become reclusive and withdrawn with very little appetite. I was experiencing severe headaches and was extremely agitated and irritable. I was (and still am) awaiting an appointment for a psych consult, but my family M.D. decided to go ahead and prescribe Seroquel when the anxiety attacks became so severe that the thought of leaving the house would produce another one, simply from the fear of having an anxiety attack in public. Clearly my head needed to get put back on straight. I was not functioning.

O, so I started out with a 50mg a day dosage, to be taken in the form of 25mg twice a day. The first pill, which I took at about 5:30 p.m, knocked me out COLD for the rest of the night. I was dead to the world, and my husband even checked my pulse a few times....it was a bit frightening. I started to have serious doubts about the medication. I am a stay at home mother and it is imperitive that I am able to function! But the next morning when I woke I felt somehow 'different'. My depression hadn't magically disappeared but I felt more stable. People who have suffered a bipolar or similar mental crisis can understand what I mean when I say I had been walking around with the feeling of one toe balanced on the tip of a steep mountain and it felt as if any moment I could fall tumbling into the abyss of instability. Suddenly, after one dose of Seroquel I felt like I had two feet firmly planted on solid ground. I was still dealing with issues but there was definately a rapid relief to the unstable feeling I had been carrying around. Now that I have been on the drug over a week I have seen a significant improvement in my over all mental health. Dare I say I am almost back to normal?

My prescribed dosage has me increasing the dosage to double the amount on the 7th day. I honestly thought about skipping that step and staying on the low dosage (as we all tend to do...we are smarter than the doctors of course) but as day 6 approached I started noticing that perhaps some of my symptoms were returning. I could feel the melancholy and irritablity creeping back. My ability to concentrate was slipping and I felt like I was having a setback. Perhaps the doctors know what they are talking about after all. Apparently there is some tolerance build up to the drug in the beginning and most patience gradually increase to a dosage that is a proper fit for their condition. So yesterday was day 8 and I took my first double dose last night. Once again I slept like a baby. I am extremely drowsy this morning, even after getting 9 hours of sleep. But some of that wore off a bit the first time so I am hoping that will happen again. The morning dose is kicking my butt today and I feel like I am walking through quicksand. I am hoping this subsides quickly or I am going to have to buy stock in Red Bull.

I will keep a running update of my expereince with this drug for readers who are interested or are looking for real life experience with it. I am only finishing my first week, there might be a lot more to report about this drug within the next 60 days. Here are the current side effects I have experienced some are good, some are bad:

Racing heart beat especially in the first few hours after taking a dose. This seemed to lessen after the first 4-5 days.
Extreme dry mouth....imagine eating a bag of cotton balls and then rinsing your mouth out with sand...sour candy helps a bit, it stimulates your saliva production.
Dry sinuses...imagine the sand and cotton having taken a side trip through your nostrils..
Drowsiness is worse within the first few hours after taking the drug. I feel very very sluggish. My caffiene intake has almost tripled in the mornings
Decreased Appetite I won't lie...this is a good thing in my opinion, but I have read where this drug has the opposite affect in other patients.
Increased Cravings for Nicotene If you are a smoker, even a light one like myself, be prepared to be feeling the need to light up pretty often.
Decreased Desire for Alcohol this is a bonus in my opinion. I don't really have any desire to drink, even my usual weekend beer or two (or six), and when I did try to drink a few beers at a ball game I became very cranky and felt lousy.

I can say that this drug has not in any way stifled my creativity, which was a HUGE concern for me when taking any psychotropic drug. Writing is my life! Someday I hope for it to be my livelihood as well, so anything that was going to cast a cloud on that was a big concern for me. I can honestly say that if anything it has helped improve my concentration and cleared my thoughts, helping me to more thoroughly design characters, form plots, and organize my ideas. It has not in anyway limited my creativity.

This is the link to the manufacturer, with specific information about patients with bipolar disorder, I started my research here before taking the drug. It is a good starting point for info.
Seroquel

Auuugghhhh I'm Grounded!!!

So it seems my affection for gay porn has caused my internet service provider to limit my acess to the internet....ok, yes I am kidding....I upload too many pictures of my kids and download too much music..which of course I forgot my service has a cap on. If you go over the limit you fall to the bottom of the priority list on getting connection speeds. Sooooo the only time I can get online right now is early in the morning and late at night...ugggghhhh This will last until my 'usage' falls below the 'limit'. I hate being told what to do!!!

I am going to be blogging in Word and then pasting for the next thirty days LOL! I can see myself crawling out of bed at 3 a.m. to post a blog.....ok no I can't, I like sleep too much...so if you don't hear from me on an ultra regular basis don't panic....I'm just grounded. I've been a bad girl and hogged too much 'bandwith'.....

So our trip to Red Hill State Park was heavenly. The kids had a blast. We hiked and hiked and climbed hills, crawled over fallen logs, pointed out deer runs and prayed for no poison ivy. Did I mention the kids had fun? Did I mention that I went to bed at 8 p.m. last night? LOL! OMG I was so tired. See we had so much fun hiking that we just kept going.....and then in finally occurs to me that we are going to have to hike the same distance back. Well with a two year old that proved to be a bit hard on me as I found myself hiking with a 35 pound human backpack...in addition to the actual backpack that I had packed full of a first aid kit, diapers, bug spray etc... Let's just say Miss Jada is hoping today is a quiet day....but I won't get my hopes up!

I have been feeling some setbacks in the last two days regarding my moods. It's not depression, just melancholy. I think the stress of having all the kids back is a big trigger for me. But I just have to get through the next 3 days. I can do that....I hope. Yesterday was the day I was supposed to up my Seroquel dosage, so I did that last night. Perhaps that will help too. I am now on double the dosage I was taking (which is still a relatively small dose compared to what I have read on the internet). I dread the drowsiness, because that has still been somewhat of an issue. I am sure I will be dragging ass today. But I have candy....and I'm not above bribing :0)~

I am considering doing a review here on Seroquel. Mostly because when it was first prescirbed to me I went scouring the net to find patient reviews, opinions and side effects. Since it seems my secret is out anyway I think I will do that sometime soon. So ya'll regular readers can just ignore that post, unless you are comfortable with me talking about cotton mouth and constipation. :0)~ But I know it meant a lot to me find real people's opinions and experiences with the drug. If I can help someone make a decision about getting help, I would be happy to do that. Even if it means talking about poop.

Anyhoo the first set of rugrats are pulling in the driveway so I have to go put my 'daycare' hat on! Have a great day!

Busted!!!!

Well it seems I have been busted! LOL! Turns out several local folks have discovered my blog...Howdy guys!! It's actually not a bad thing at all, there have been compliments actually, but I better stop talking about my mother in law when I get mad at her! That could be trouble!! Which is a bit of a condundrum because I started this blog so I could feel free to talk about anything. Maybe we can come up with some secret code language...LOL

Well this is my last week with all the school kids and I can't say I am disappointed. This is the first week of having them back since my diagnosis. Let's just say it's very clear to me now that stress is the leading agitator for flare ups! I was very irritable yesterday, and of course they were very rowdy, being back for the first time in two weeks. It was not a good day for me.

Today I have a PLAN. We are headed to Red Hill State Park for the day. I am packing a picnic and a cooler full of bottled water and we are going to go spend the day in the wild! They are excited and so am I. I wanted to do something special for the school kids before they left anyway and this looks like it will be it. I'll bet money there will still be moans and groans of boredom and fussing and fighting amongst them once the excitement wears off when we get there.....uggghhhh I have so much more patience for pre-schoolers and babies. Which is odd, most people are the opposite.

On a bitter sweet note, my special needs child "Johnny" had his last day yesterday. He has started a program that allows him to have a caregiver at home, which saves the parents a lot of money. On one hand it relieves some of the stress on me, as he requires more attention than the rest of this kids (except perhaps my own ultra high strung 4 year old), but on the other hand I just love him to death. He is never lacking in affection and love.....there's not many children who just love you all the time, unconditionally, even when you are having to punish them...but Johnny would never withhold a hug or a kiss if it was offered or requested. He was my love bug! And having him was a great experience for the other kids. They learned so much about acceptance, tolerance, encouragement and respect from having him in their lives. I saw so many changes in my school age kids regarding their view of special needs people this summer. They have learned that he is capable and deserving of every opportunity and experience they are. He was a blessing to all of us. I am hoping he visits me often!!!

Kickin’ your can all over the place

Cause We Will, We Will, Rock You!!!

We Are The Champions My Friend......

For the 5th straight year in a row, Vic's Cafe took the win for Bar Wars. The tri-county softball tournament of rival bars. Was it as exciting as the World Series? No. But around here it's kind of a big deal, at least for our tiny little community it is. It is held every year in the itty bitty town of St. Marie, population 300 (Salute! ok few people will get that, but if you did...I know you are laughing your ass of! LOL), where a couple hundred people converge with coolers full of beer, on 4 wheelers, in their muddy trucks and their 'grown up cars' like my mini-van, to watch the annual game. Of course, being the kick ass team that we are, we take our softball seriously, at least for one day a year. In fact we probably take it about as seriously as we take our beer drinking...and that's pretty damn serious! LOL However, my beer drinking days are over...more about that later. Vic's occupies the same (only) shady spot at the ball diamond every year, where we grill out all day, drink beer, stomp ass on the field and talk smack all day.....it's like the redneck Super Bowl. Our trophy is always proudly displayed on our ratty old picnic table that announces us as Bar Wars Champion's for 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, and now you can add 2008 to that tally!! It was and exciting day, at one point we scored 12 runs in one inning...we were some proud rednecks!! Yay!!

There is a long standing 'label' on our community, intended as a horrible insult, tossed our direction from young people in other rival communities (yes I know...childish...complicated...it's a whole other post). That label is "Inbreeders".....anytime there has been a fight at a party or someone gets mad at the bar or some other conflict with and 'out of towner' the term "F'n Inbreeders!!!" gets shouted as a departing sentiment. But it's days like yesterday when I want to yell at those assholes...."Hey all that inbreedin' got us some damn fine ball players, don't ya think?!" but I guess that would be tacky! Ha!

Why are we called inbreeders you might ask? Well...in sense because it's true, but on a very broad scale. I've talked before about our community being very closed off and self sufficient at one time, due to religious persecution. Of course this was 100-200 years ago....but all of these families still live here....nobody ever leaves here...it's like the Bermuda Triangle...anyhoo, distantly everyone here is related. In fact my own children are related to every single one of my daycare kids somehow. It may be a 3rd or 4th cousin, but every child in my care comes from the same bloodline if you go back about 5 generations.....and to some, I am sure that is a bit creepy...around here we don't think anything about it. People try not to fall in love with someone who is a 2nd cousin or closer, but there have been 2nd cousins get married around here. Not that big of a deal. My own in-laws are 3rd cousins, they didn't know it until after they were married....it just happens. But anyhoo...of course we hear the occasional slur yesterday as we were kicking every team's butt on the ball diamond...we just laughed and gave 'em all the California Howdy!

P.S. I tried to drink a few beers yesterday, along with a ton of bottled water...the beer does not mix with my new meds. It made me grouchy and feel icky. It looks like I might be the Designated Driver for life...which isn't always a bad thing I guess...

A good day to be a cow....

Well for those who were concerned ;0) By the time the men got to the pasture to load up the cow she had successfully delivered a healthy calf all by herself. Mommy and baby are doing just fine! And to top that off the boys and I got to go see twin calves in the barn who were born on Wednesday. They are adorable!

It's a good day to be a cow! LOL

Now I am off to nap and rest up for BAR WARS!!! Where all the local tavern's gather to compete in an annual softball tournament. It's good times, and this will be the last year for our tavern...sadly...too many of us are too busy with families and other commitments to focus on the team. But we have been the reigning champions several times....I hope we got out with one last championship this year!!!

GO VIC'S!!!!

The Harsh Reality of the Cattle Farmer

Sometimes life on the farm is a horrible reminder of just how cruel mother nature can be. This morning we awoke to a phone call that one of our cows, who is apparently trying to birth a calf is running around in the pasture up the road with half of the calf delivered, two legs hanging out of her, and the other half still stuck inside. The men folk gathered together as one saddled a horse to try to corral her, while the the others hitched up the cattle trailer to try and pin her up and get the calf delivered.

If you are the squeamish type it would be best to stop reading now. But the realities of raising livestock are often harsh. It is heartbreaking to watch the animals suffer, and the men will do all they can to try and deliver the calf, who is probably already dead. Sometimes they are able to reach in and help her deliver by hand, but many a day I have seen a chain attached to a partially birthed calf and a tractor used to pull it out. It's a horrible thought and a horrible sight, but if the calf is not delivered the mother will die as well.

The reason I write about it is because I often feel as if there is huge misconception about the humane treatment of animals in our society. (often from the same people eating their double cheeseburger on their lunch break) In all the years I have lived on the farm, I have never seen an animal mistreated. Mother nature is hard them, as is the case today, but it is our job to care for them and give them the best quality of life possible. Yes, slaughter is the ultimate destination for them. But from birth to the sale barn they are well cared for. Their needs are always met, their care is first and foremost on the farm...often trumping vacations, family functions, and a full nights sleep. Many a calf has been bottle fed by hand every day of it's life until it is able to feed itself and many a sleepless night has been spent with a sick cow, worrying and nursing it back to health. Sometimes time and effort is put into a cow that ultimately becomes ill and has to be put down, to end their suffering, and also because there is no longer any monetary value to their life. It is a harsh existence. Time, effort and money spent on a living thing, only to have to end it's life.

I know the my menfolk will do their best to save this cow today. Chances are it's too late for her calf. But everything will be done to relieve her suffering and get her back to good health. It's a hard, disgusting, and heartbreaking job. Remember that next time you order your medium rare T-bone....somebody cared for that cow, somebody raised it, and fed it a proper diet to ensure good flavored meat. A lot of work went in to making sure that your steak dinner was tasty.

Remember that. And remember my men, out there doing what most are unwilling to do, to keep us all fed.

The Road to Nowhere

I was jammin' on my iPod tonight while the boy were outside with Daddy and a song came on that just touched me. Ya'll know how that happens to me....music is a passion for me. Anyhoo I just had to share this song that filled me with hope and made me smile tonight. Most Ozzy Osborne fans have never really taken the lyrics to this song for their literal message, but it is a beautiful song of hope, and I think it is also meant to be a love song to his wife. Sharon Osborne took Ozzy's drug addicted, mentally ill, talented ass from rock bottom to the top of Rock and Roll history. In the process her father, Ozzy's former manager with Black Sabbath, disowned her and declared that the two of them would never amount to anything. They were on a road to nowhere.

Clearly Ozzy's road led him down a very distinguished, but rocky road. This song reflects his struggles with his childhood, the past he can't outrun, and yet look where he is now....It gave me hope. I can and will overcome the demons in my past. I will make something of myself and use my talent in some manner that is personally satisfying to me. Hell if he can do it, anybody can. Although it would help if I had a wife like Sharon Osborne....think they are into polygamy? :0)~ Anyhoo here's the song I wanted to share...on my way to add it to my playlist right now.

The Road to Nowhere
I was looking back on my life
And all the things Ive done to me
I'm still looking for the answers
I'm still searching for the key

The wreckage of my past keeps haunting me
It just wont leave me alone
I still find it all a mystery
Could it be a dream?
The road to nowhere leads to me

Through all the happiness and sorrow
I guess I'd do it all again
Live for today and not tomorrow
Its still the road that never ends

Ah ah
The road to nowhere's gonna pass me by
Ah ah
I hope we never have to say goodbye
I never want to live without you
© Ozzy Osborne

Belated Brithday Bash...ok not a Bash...but a MESS!

So I finally felt like celebrating my birthday today so the boys and I made my favorite cake this evening. Angel food with 7 minute icing....no small feat since I don't actually own a double boiler...but being the high tech redneck that I am I always figure out a way to fashion two pots together to make this tasty confection. Of course I add marshmallows to the frosting also...I mean can you really have too much sugar on a cake? I think not! This was the result. It was delightfully sinful!!

And then of course I let the boys dig into to what was left of the frosting....oh my Lord! (Please ignore the messy house and don't laugh at the 'day care rules' taped to the wall behind them...yes I put them in writing!)

Aren't my little devils just adorable?

Picture Parade

Well I didn't come up with anything fascinating to write about because I spent all day looking at gay porn. Ha! I'm joking...kinda....anyway I have been meaning to post a few pics to my blog that are just adorable or hilarious or both. So instead of getting on my soap box about anything or bitching and moaning about my health, I'm gonna post pics! I think I can only do so many per post so this may be split into two we'll see....first off I want to show you all what happens when you let your two you year old dress himself...which I do on a regular basis of course! I fully believe in freedom of expression...as long as we are not leaving the house

Here we have the latest fashion trend in rural America...John Deere socks, dirty white t-shirt and a crocheted cap!

Then of course there is the ultimate in fishing fashion....hat, pajama top, shorts and gum boots!

And then who can resist a little boy and his best friend. Our kitty is growing so fast! River is in love!

Happy Thursday

Well I am still feeling sooooooo much better. The old me. Still crazy...but my normal crazy :0)

My only complaint, and then I swear I will stop complaining about my health and starting writing about more interesting things again, is that I have this constant headache. I wake up with it...it's there all day....it never leaves. Maybe a piece of my brain exploded with my little breakdown...HA! It's seems less severe today, but it's still there. As soon as I woke up there it was at the very top of my head, like some little brain fairy poking me with a teeny tiny pitchfork. Maybe if it's less severe today that means in a few days it will be gone.

Soooooo YAY! I feel normal again. And I have absolutely nothing to write about. Doesn't that just figure! LOL! I am sure before the day is over I will have some brilliant words to write...truth be told I haven't seen the news in over a week. I have no idea what is going on in the world....which is ODD for me!! I am a news junkie! I usually even keep up with news on sites like Reporters without Borders, which publishes news your freedom of press loving government won't let you hear. But I am so out of the loop right now that for all I know Hugh Hefner is Obama's running mate and John McCain was found in an alley getting a $20 blow job....ok that was uncalled for...yes, I am definately back! :0)~

But seriously...Hugh Hefner for VP....that could be fun...

Hello, It's Me Again.

I am feeling so much more like me again. There are side effects and fuzzy things to deal with, memory loss, concentration issues etc...but lets be honest, if you know me in real life that's always been a problem, it's just a little worse right now. I smoked my short term memory years ago in a desperate attempt to escape my realities, and well who the hell can concentrate on anything with two toddlers...I mean really?

I am writing with a grateful heart tonight. I feel myself being reborn. I certainly have a long row to hoe....there are new skills to learn and I have to take better care of myself. I will deal with the ups and downs of this for the rest of my life...but I feel like the epicenter of this nightmare is finally behind me. These meds are working, despite the side effects.

I am currently listening to a song that touches me in 1000 ways....it reminds me of someone, it reminds me of me, it reminds me of life and all human relationships...and it has the most beautiful words I wanted to share it with you:

The Space Between
You cannot quit me so quickly
There's no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I got all the time for you, love

The Space Between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

But will I hold you again?
These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like 'Will it rain today?'
Waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted games we're playing

We're strange allies
With warring hearts
What wild-eyed beast you be
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain
copyright Dave Matthews

Obviously this is only half the song, but truth be told I am tired of copying and pasting, Blogger doesn't paste it right and you have to edit it....uggghh. I added it to my playlist...just go listen to it. It is such a beautiful snapshot of human relationships....all varieties of them. And a beautiful description of some of the relationships in my life.

I don't think we're in Kansas anymore Toto

So the doc prescribed me some stronger meds...something geared towards Bipolar disorder, even though he intended to wait and let the shrink do that....but I had a massive freak out anxiety attack on Monday and hubby and I decided we better let the Dr. know....so after a long drawn out battle with my insurance company over which drug they would or would not approve for me (isn't it funny how your life always hangs in the balance of your doctor's expert opinion and the opinion of some pencil pusher behind a desk at the insurance company?)

Introducing Seroquel.......all I can say is WOW...ok I also have to say WTF???!!!! Within 30 minutes of taking the pill I can remember telling hubby something along these lines "Wow...I'm weeelly weeeeeelllllyy getting sweeepy...I don't know I can stay awaaaaaaa...." Then BAM...OUT...ZONKED....KNOCKED OUT for 3 hours!!! Hubby was nervous and I guess even checked my pulse a few times....I don't remember anything...it was a bit like the anesthesia you get before surgery....a total trip to Oz.

I was starting to come out of my stupor when my husband, the one I have been bragging about...the one I have been so proud of...the one my faith had been restored in...was having a huge temper tantrum with the kids in the bathroom. Apparently he was giving them a bath and they were being difficult (no surprise there)...the kids are crying...he's yelling and one of the boys says "I want Mommy!!"

I am trying to will my body to move, I can't get up, I feel like a led weight. I can't do it. Until I hear my husband yell "Well Mommy's not coming because she's all doped up!!! Well let me tell you folks...that got the adrenaline pumping!!! I crawled off the couch and stumbled down the hallway in time to greet my two little angels (devils) wrapped in towels and crying. I wanted to be mad and yell at my husband, but on one hand the kids had heard enough yelling, and on the other hand I was still so out of it I couldn't really muster the strength. I took the boys in my room and dressed them and snuggled them in my bed and we watched a movie. Hubby came in later all tears and apologies....which I understand, he was frustrated and worried about me, the kids were screaming etc etc etc....BUT I was sooooo mad that he said those words to our kids. I mustered enough strength to mumble to him something about never ever talking about me like that to the children again!!!! I am still mad about it today. I know he is remorseful about it...but that sure as hell doesn't erase it.

You know there have been a few times when hubby has spent the day running around with his buddies and come home drunk and the kids are wanting him to do this or do that and he is to sleepy to do anything but zonk out on the couch...I have never EVER, said "Daddy can't play with you now because he's DRUNK!" I would never ever do that. And my issues last night were legit and beyond my control. It fuckin' pissed me off!!!! Arrrggghhhh Ok, I am still mad about it, can you tell?

So anyway back to the new meds....WOW! What do I do? I actually do feel really good today as far as feeling stable. I don't feel like I am teetering at the top of a roller coaster wondering if I am going to go racing down the tracks or stay safe and secure at the top.....I feel level...for lack of a better word. If the 'knock out' effect of the drug would subside, I think this could be a good fit for me. But I can't afford to be knocked out and be a mother at the same time.....I called the doctor, we'll see what he says.

But so far, so good today. My girlfriend Beth took the kids for the morning so I could relax. (Same friend who did all my shopping last week) I am gonna owe that girl big time when she has kids someday!!!!! I have a the best friends in the world!!!