The Fat Suit

Once again I find myself hating the image that reflects back at me in the mirror. It is a daily struggle, but it seems once or twice a year I really seem to see it. See it enough to want to do something about it. I have never been a small girl, but I haven't always been obese. I am now. After two children, the loss of my mother and the inevitable stress of daily life I have eaten my way to the Big "O"...and not the Big "O" us gals enjoy! LOL!

Since I have gotten so dark from being outside with my kids for 6+ hours a day I have a perfect outline of my 'fat suit'. That is exactly what it looks like to me. My legs have always been thin, perhaps even too thin, my arms are thin (ok not as thin as they used to be) and my face is...well sorta on the thinnish side. My 'thin' areas seem to grow a tiny bit each year...but when I look in the mirror these days there is this white outline of all the weight I carry in my belly and my butt. I hate it. I know many of you reading this right now see the same thing and you hate it too. It's amazing how quickly one glance in the mirror can ruin your day. And it's amazing how there are so many amazing women out there who secretly hate themselves simply for their outward appearance. And instead of loving our bodies and taking care of them...we further punish them by stuffing it with more calories and tricking ourselves into thinking it made us feel better.

I have vowed and vowed and vowed again...I even created a website once...I have been to Weight Watchers, I have joined the gym, I have lost 30 pounds more than once only to gain even more back again. For all my strength, stubbornness and sensibility, this is one place in my life that I completely let my weakness get the better of me. Just like an alcoholic. I do believe that food can be an addiction, and it is mine.

Once again I am going to try. Try to learn to love myself enough to take care of the body I have to lug around for the next 50 years, God willing. Try to find the strength. Try to find the willpower. Try to be healthy. Try to trade in the fat suit for a smaller size. I am not looking for thin. I will never be thin. But healthy would be a nice change.