Hubby and I just finished having a frank and open discussion about the state of our union at this point in time. For once it was a calm discussion rather than everybody just crab assin' and not really saying what we really want to say.
Of course the root of every evil in our relationship is money. (As is probably 95% of families in the nation) We made the choice from the day we found out I was pregnant with baby #1 that I would be a SAHM. So since he was born, I have been here, doing the mommy gig, while daddy brings home the bacon. I still work Saturday mornings at my old job (banker), mostly just to get out of the house, but also to keep my foot in the door for when my kids are in school. I do plan to go back to work full time then. But for now my heart (and my head, my feet and my big fat butt) are right here where I feel it needs to be. BUT...there's never enough $$$. I run a home daycare, that admittedly is has only 1 full time and 2 after school kids at the moment, I need to run an ad in the paper. But to be honest it has been nice to not be stumbling over myself and dog ass tired at the end of the day because I have 6 kids here for 12 hours.....it's almost been a luxury vacation! I was making up for the loss in income by waitressing/cooking/bar tending at the local pub. My 'town' has a Catholic Church and a Tavern (side by side of course!)...that's it. The 'mill' I talked about before is actually in a different 'town' 2 miles away! LOL!!! So anyhoo, I waitress/bar tend a lot of Friday nights and work as a cook on Saturday nights. It's good money, it's all cash AND I get to see people...humans, the grown up kind, the kind that can drive real cars and tractors-not toy ones, the kind who don't need their drink in a sippy cup and the kind who usually don't need any help in the bathroom.
The dilemma is always this. Daddy keeps the boys these nights that I am working. My side of the story is this....I enjoy the job, I am a very social person, I love talking with everyone and getting out of the house and even having a few beers while I am on the job (where else can you do that!). I am here at home 24/7 Mon-Fri, I rarely ever go out with my friends, I barely am even able to talk to them on the phone because there is always the constant "Stop It!" "Hang On" "Quit Kicking" "No throwing" "No you can't watch Nemo again!"....so I really enjoy this weekend job! Many of my friends (the non-mommy versions) hang out there or at least come in for supper sometimes. It's nice. And it's good $$. It supplements our income quite nicely.
His side of the story is this. The kids are so attached to me, because they are with me all the time, that he has a hard time with them. Especially the 2 year old. Now the hardass bitch side of me want to tell him to "Suck it up! It's just two nights...I do it ALL THE F'N TIME!" But the mommy/wife side of me is very conflicted!
- I feel guilty....I hate the thought of my kids crying for me.
- I hate putting him in that position. Especially when I know it is a situation I am partly to blame for. They are always with me. Since I babysit, it's not as if I ever have much reason to get a sitter myself through the week, and if I have to close the daycare to go somewhere it's usually to take them to the Dr. or something of a similar nature.
- Our sleeping arrangements have created this problem. 4 year old sleeps with Daddy in one room, 2 year old sleeps with me in another. Sooooo when Mommy is not here at bedtime...there is a BIG problem! He will go to bed on his own, but only sleeps about 2 hours and then cries for me-I go get him and we go back to sleep. This is BAD...nobody needs to tell me...that is a blog for another day.
- I don't like my husband being stressed and angry on the only day we have together as a family (Sunday). He doesn't like me being tired and strung out from running my ass off waiting tables all night on the only day we have together.
So what to do....what to do....???? I love the job. He hates me being gone. I need him to realize it is the ONLY time I am gone, which is hard. I have no life. This job gives me a semblance of an adult life. Getting a full time job Mon-Fri really isn't an option unless I go to work in a factory (remember I am in a very small rural community). I only have an Associate Degree (Early Childhood Dev.), and a job that is going to pay for full time daycare for two little ones, plus gas to drive to town (minimum 40 mile round trip each day) is going to average out to me once again making NO money and my kids will be in the care of someone else all the time. I can't do that. I have very strong feelings about being a SAHM. My mom was a single mom and often worked 2 jobs! I had more babysitters than I can count, one of whom harmed me in ways I don't care to discuss....that is not going to happen to my children. Hubby's mom was a SAHM too and he feels very strongly about this issue as well. So emotionally it's not even an option unless we are pushing 'welfare' poor. So I am doing this to support the family...but if the family isn't happy WTF am I supposed to do??? I don't even get to got to the bathroom alone...a few hours on the weekend is my saving grace! My sanity!
We seem to have this argument about once a month or so...I feel like he doesn't see how hard I work and the fact that I am working 4 jobs total if you count my web business (primitive stitchery http://www.starklysimplestitches.com) That does not include the job of taking care of our own children, doing all the household chores etc....sometimes I feel like he thinks his underwear washes itself.......It must be nice to just go to work, clock in, bust your ass for 9 hours and come home to a hot meal, clean clothes, a *mostly* clean house, and watch TV....God did that sounds really bitchy doesn't it? He really does work hard, he is a farm implement mechanic and he busts his butt...I need to give him credit there.
I keep telling him, and myself, that raising toddlers is the hardest and most stressful time in a marriage. We just have to grin and bear it a few more years. I don't know if I am certain of this or trying to convince myself of this.....But I love him, I love my kids, and I'll figure it out. I always do!!!
So now I am not only Mommy'd out...I'm Wifey'd out too...Sweet Dreams Ya'll!
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3 comments:
Gosh..that's tough. You guys are in a deadlock impasse so it seems. I guess that you being away once a week isn't that bad either. If your little ones are so dependent this might just prove to be very good for them as well. Don't they play outside most of the time? I grew up in a small town as well and we were out till sunset, then we would come home, eat, make ready for bed and go to sleep. Kick them out of the house sometimes.. :)
Sorry, its no help probably.
Oh yes we are outside all the time, but they are 2 and 4, not old enough to be outside unsupervised. And I think Daddy has the most all of his 'drama' with them at bedtime.....I've got to fix the bedtime problem!
WOW! Since you are asking - here's my opinion. You deserve that time away from it all! I'm only home with my kids 5 days a week as well. I work 2 days a week outside of the home and you are right it is my saving grace!! And your husband should be able to suck it up and deal with it! He's their parent, too! Bedtime issues are always hard! My husband has never allowed the kids to sleep with us, but we have had times where Ty (the 2 year old)NEEDS to! It is always a fight for a couple days to get him back in his own bed, but ya know, once he figures out that no is no, it all works out. Hang in there. I had one of these dilemas not to long ago and prayed and it worked out in the end!
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