Poo Poo Pity Party

Maybe it's the weather. Perhaps my marathon gardening that has come to a screeching halt amidst this cold snap has caused my icky case of the doll drums...but I am blue again...It seems I can rarely get 3 months in a row without getting a prod from the pitch fork of the depression devil. And this couldn't have come at a more inconvenient time. One of my best friends is coming for a visit this weekend and another best friend is home from Iraq right now.

Although I suppose part of my pity party is that I never get to leave the fuckin house! With all of this going on, I almost always have to have my friends come see me....or I have to pack up my kids and take them with me, and either way I spend most of our visit chasing kids, wiping boogers and butts, and busting up squabbles.

I love being a mother, I really do...but sometimes it's overwhelming. And I love my husband I do, but sometimes we are more like roommates and old friends than lovers. I am surrounded by people 24/7 (albeit mostly little people), I am never alone, but I am lonely. I don't want my kids to grow up too fast, but sometimes I long for just one day of the freedom I will be able to enjoy when they are grown. I feel like I have lost myself, I used to write and write, words were my life, but now I am tiny shell of who that writer used to be, and I fear she may never come back....Sometimes I look in the mirror and I think "Who is the woman?" I am a bloated, haggard looking version of the person I used to be. I don't even like to look in the mirror anymore. I used to be mildy attractive, average build etc...Now I have the official Mommy look...that 'got ran over by a truck' look! LOL! J/K Mommy's some of you do a great job at keeping yourselves looking great...but I am not one of them! I can't even remember the last time I bothered to file my fingernails, let alone paint them!

Sometimes I think none of it really has anything to do with current events. It is just my excuse for avoiding the past life experiences. As is the topic in this blog...http://ramblingruralrecollections.blogspot.com/2008/03/perhaps-today-is-better-day.html maybe it's all of it. Maybe I am just fundamentally fucked up! But today I miss the person I know I can be. The happy loud crazy wild chick that isn't afraid of anything...I am not her today.

Oh well, I am gonna go suck down a pot of coffee and take my crazy pills and try to have a better day.