Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Poo Poo Pity Party

Maybe it's the weather. Perhaps my marathon gardening that has come to a screeching halt amidst this cold snap has caused my icky case of the doll drums...but I am blue again...It seems I can rarely get 3 months in a row without getting a prod from the pitch fork of the depression devil. And this couldn't have come at a more inconvenient time. One of my best friends is coming for a visit this weekend and another best friend is home from Iraq right now.

Although I suppose part of my pity party is that I never get to leave the fuckin house! With all of this going on, I almost always have to have my friends come see me....or I have to pack up my kids and take them with me, and either way I spend most of our visit chasing kids, wiping boogers and butts, and busting up squabbles.

I love being a mother, I really do...but sometimes it's overwhelming. And I love my husband I do, but sometimes we are more like roommates and old friends than lovers. I am surrounded by people 24/7 (albeit mostly little people), I am never alone, but I am lonely. I don't want my kids to grow up too fast, but sometimes I long for just one day of the freedom I will be able to enjoy when they are grown. I feel like I have lost myself, I used to write and write, words were my life, but now I am tiny shell of who that writer used to be, and I fear she may never come back....Sometimes I look in the mirror and I think "Who is the woman?" I am a bloated, haggard looking version of the person I used to be. I don't even like to look in the mirror anymore. I used to be mildy attractive, average build etc...Now I have the official Mommy look...that 'got ran over by a truck' look! LOL! J/K Mommy's some of you do a great job at keeping yourselves looking great...but I am not one of them! I can't even remember the last time I bothered to file my fingernails, let alone paint them!

Sometimes I think none of it really has anything to do with current events. It is just my excuse for avoiding the past life experiences. As is the topic in this blog... maybe it's all of it. Maybe I am just fundamentally fucked up! But today I miss the person I know I can be. The happy loud crazy wild chick that isn't afraid of anything...I am not her today.

Oh well, I am gonna go suck down a pot of coffee and take my crazy pills and try to have a better day.


Shannon said...

Sorry to hear you are feeling blue today! Better days are sure to come!

Mum-me said...

Are you sure you don't know me? .... You have just described my life. Especially that line "I am never alone, but I am lonely."

I hope you are feeling better.