Thursday, July 31, 2008

Already bucking the system

Well I made it through the day....hubby went back to work today and I survived with my two kids alone without hiding under the least until he got home. It takes so much energy to 'fake it' for them, that tonight I feel like I have run a marathon. I feel like I am walking through water. My brain is empty. My emotions are numb.

I can tell the double dose of Cymbalta created some manic symptoms today, they were a welcome reprieve from the depths of despair of earlier this week. I can see why so many bipolar patients end up refusing treatment or not staying on course....If I were completely honest with myself I would tell you that I strongly fear loosing the mania. The energy. The creativity. The lack of need for sleep. The crazy antics and the wild hair ideas. Part of me doesn't want to find the 'happy medium'. And I think if I didn't have kids I would refuse treatment. But the crash involved when the mania escapes is too much of a burden on my family. And while I have yet to ever be suicidal I am aware that if bipolar disorder goes untreated for years the depression side of it come become down right scary. I don't want to be that person. So I am going to have to be willing to sacrifice some of my crazy ass energy and tendencies in order to become a more stable and healthy person. I am afraid of it.

The more research I do, the more I can already say I have become very prejudice to Lithium and I pray that this drug is not something on the agenda for me. There are so many drugs out there to try...I will push for an alternative. As a writer, as an artist, as a creative person I refuse to sacrifice myself to the numbing holy altar of Lithium. I watched my mother succumb to this drug as well, and in the end it was not appropriate for her condition, but the side affects were sad. I don't want to be a zombie....and perhaps I am mistaken about this drug, but I will fight to keep it out of my body. I want to be well informed about the drugs that are going to be shoved down me to try to make me 'normal'

Funny I didn't used to worry about any drugs I consumed...the more the better, and the greater the intoxication the here I am 'clean'... and all fucked up in the head....ain't life just a barrel of monkeys.

P.S. Some of you may have noticed a big change in my playlist....big changes in life called for some more appropriate tunes....enjoy


Shannon said...

Love Basket Case! Great tune!! I keep checking in on you... hope you are doing better... Embrace those babies! They are the reason you are here at this time in your life. I don't know too much about Bipolar Disorder, but it sounds scary, no matter what! You are doing the right thing! :) Hang in there!

Liz said...

Hope things get better soon Jada. Hang in there chick!