Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Doubts or Denial and the Saga of Underachievement

So less than a week ago I was trying to Face the Music about the fact that maybe I am bipolar. Now I am second guessing my self. I don't know if it is an attempt to excuse away something I don't want to be a fact, or if I truly was over reacting to some of my recent behavior. I could chalk a lot of it up to stress, relationship problems, and a bad case of PMS! Maybe I am in denial, but I feel a lot better lately. I am still keeping my Dr. appointment, I refuse to ride that roller coaster of "Oh I'm not crazy everyone else is...." accompanied by "I feel like something is wrong" one day and "I feel fine" the next. I would suspect I just need some good old fashioned counselling!! But who has time to go see a shrink? I barely have time to shower!

Sometimes I think that a huge part of my problem is always feeling like I am not living up to my potential. A comment like that would upset my husband because he always takes it so personally, as if the life I have with him is not enough. But I try to explain to him that it has nothing to do with him. It has everything to do with the fact that I spent my youth wallowing in self destruction and running from nightmares, rather than focusing on my education and using my brain in a manner that is fitting for my particular talents. Even if I had an award winning career as an English Lit Professor at Harvard (ok, maybe I pushing it a bit :0) I still would have taken these years off to raise my kids, but perhaps I would have had outlets and opportunities to continue making money in a manner more fulfilling and less exhausting than the three-four jobs I am currently trying to juggle. Perhaps my disheveled appearance and unorganized home would be a quirky trait of my creativity to my mother in law, rather than an embarrassing character flaw. Perhaps my moodiness and manic bursts of creativity would actually be making me money rather than making me fear I am loosing my marbles.

I keep saying once the kids are older I am going to finish my education. My husband is not as supportive of this as I would like him to be, but I will do it with or without his support. I refuse to spend my life underachieving. I spent half my life doing it already. I want to change that. Somehow.

So anybody want to hire a half cocked, fully crazed, under educated, under achiever?


Liz said...

I'd hire you in a heart beat! I am glad that you are keeping your appointment. You need to know for sure!

Shannon said...

I agree with Liz. It will ease your mind either way! Education is a great idea for anyone and everyone (in my opinion). I think we had parallel lives as young people. I'm glad that I went to school. It helped me in so many ways - beginning with my self image, sense of self and self esteem. You are a fabulous writer and I know you could be anything you want to be!! Including a kick-ass stay at home mom!

Shannon said...

That sounded wrong - you are already a kick-ass stay at home mom and that's OKAY!!!!

The Pastoral Princess said...

I know what you meant Shannon! It's all good, I AM a kick-ass stay at home mom (most of the time :0) And SO ARE YOU!

3rd... said...

you should really write that book.. I am serious.
For me you are like a rural bridget jones !!

Dee said...

I agree with all of the above.

You are woman and we hear you roar.