Monday, July 28, 2008

The Crash

There was no doubt it was coming, it hit hard. Hard enough that I found myself closing the daycare for a few days and making an appointment with my Dr. I hesitate to even write this because, while my blog is somewhat's not really. It's not hard to do enough Google searches for my name and not come up with this at some point in time. And I have to confess that I lied to my daycare parents and said I was getting a horrible migraine. I suppose if any of the ever find this blog they will know I lied to them. But how do you explain that you are about to hit the bottom of the ocean mentally for a few days? Is there any way to say "I swear I'm not nuts and your children are completely safe with me...I'm just going to be cracked up for a few days, I am aware of the problem and have made an app. with my Dr...I'll be better in a few days..." Someone who has never had to deal with this, or have a loved one deal with this are not going to understand that. I fear instead they will think I have lost my marbles....maybe I have.

Anyway I am getting side tracked here, which is likely to happen often right now....this crash came with lots of words to be purged. I feel a bit compelled to document this particular wave of darkness. Most of the time I write nothing, no blogs, e-mails to friends, poetry...nothing, I just hide out in my darkness for a few days. Maybe I am tired of hiding. Maybe this is a manic episode.....???

This started weeks ago, with my worries about my marriage, anxiety about wanting to go back to college, kids kids and more kids, and all the other baggage I carry from my past that always seems to push this pirate ship along. A pirate ship is a good analogy for that....because it just kind of stalks you for a while before it overtakes you and the ship you are sailing on. I have been having more and more anxiety attacks lately. In fact before we even went on our vacation, I was having the vertigo symptoms and the tightening of the chest...but I didn't talk about it, here or anywhere. It's easier to ignore something if you don't acknowledge it.

Today, after having a rough day here at home yesterday, my anxiety level became overwhelming. All the noises of the kids and the energy and activity made me jumpy, nervous and dizzy. I wasn't lying when I called all the parents about a headache, my brain felt like it was going to explode just from trying to hold back this tidal wave until my work day was over. I failed. My husband came home from work early, and I have to give him some well deserved praise tonight. He can hold it together when I am loosing it. I am the one crisis in life he can handle...when he has to. He has only seen me in this particular state a few times. This is one of the worst that I can ever remember. But he takes it seriously and doesn't patronize me or guilt me into crawling out from under the covers....he rubs my back and tries to get me to eat and fields all my phone calls to my friends. Some know and some don't...and he's fine with telling the ones who know that I am having a rough time at the moment...not ashamed to admit his wife is cracking up. It's times like this I know why I want him by my side forever. I can bitch all I want about housework and fighting....but he really came through for me tonight.

Now the house is quiet and everyone is asleep. This is the most comfortable I have felt all day. Possibly because I am sedated. But there is something about the night time that is easier for people who are in a depressed state. I think most anyone who has suffered from depression will agree with that. We are the insomniacs glued to the infomercials at night because it's easier to be dark of mood when it's dark of night. It's easier to be cynical and shitty when the rest of the world is asleep. Sunshine and daytime noises make our skin crawl. It's the night time that you feel a bit human again. (or vampirish?? uggh...which then makes you feel crazy again). I have never had a panic attack at night that I can recall. And it's a welcome relief right now that it is finally nighttime, now I just fear tomorrows episode of "Freaked Out Farm Lady".

This is the strangest episode I have had since right after my mom passed away. After her death I somehow stopped crying. I cried for weeks and then they were gone. Tears didn't come, even at times that were appropriate. But for some reason today, much like I was after her death, I am a basket case of tears. I know now that I was also experiencing panic attacks at that time, but had not yet been diagnosed. For the first time since that happened I am suddenly very depressed while also experiencing these attacks. They usually don't coincide for me. Perhaps I am having a nervous breakdown....I have finally lost it.

While I know that rationally that is not what is happening to me, there is that panic creeping up. That long long fear that I have had of going insane like my mother. My Dr. has tried to reassure me time and time again that there is no way I suffer from her disorder...but I think anytime I feel a little off kilter, or fall into a depressed state I fear that this if finally the big one, as if there is going to be some spontaneous combustion in my brain that will create the same monsters in my head that she suffered.

I mentioned that the tears were flowing tonight. They are falling like raindrops from a hurricane. My eyes hurt and burn right now. I keep trying to hide them from the kids, and then crying even harder when I am alone because I feel guilty that they have a fucked up Mom right now. I am the mother who is there 24/7 providing full attention, and suddenly I am a mess. My head is spinning and I can't think because I am having a panic attack, or I am laying in bed staring at nothing, trying to fake a smile make eye contact with them when they walk in...(they think I have a headache too...they are too young to deal with the real illness, IMO) So then when they leave I cry into my pillow even harder because it hurts to muster up the strength to fake it and it hurts that my kids have to know this as a reality in their life. Their Mom suffers from clinical depression...maybe bipolar, we shall see...and that will forever be a fact in their lives. I hope that by being pro-active in my health care and curbing a crisis like this one ASAP I can prevent them from having to see what I saw growing up...seeing a few tears on Mommy's face is a far cry from some of the shit I saw, heard and witnessed.

Anxiety is creeping up on me pretty bad as I write this one last little bit. If I am diagnosed as bipolar, am I going to loose my day care license? more thing to freak out about. Gotta go cry now.....

I should have kept the July 8th appointment, I know some of you are thinking that too...we saw this time I will go with my gut.


Shannon said...

I don't really know what to say... my prayers are with you.... please hang in there...hugs from someone who cares!

Liz said...

Don't beat yourself up. You're doing the best you can! Don't worry about your license - worry about your health. I'm keeping you in my thoughts...

The Flying Circus Mom said...

I have so been where you are at so many times in my life, in fact I am there right's good you went to your Dr. so that you can figure out what is going on and hopefully get some help, don't feel ashamed about getting help or feel that you are less of a person, look at this way: This is a part of you and what makes you YOU! If you need to talk please contact me through my page and I will give you my # or email or whatever. I so understand every word you said in this blog, it was almost as I wrote it. Hang in there!

3rd... said...

I think it is so big of you that you wrote this down and published it. That in itself is a sign of strength if you ask me.. and i think few us reading would have the guts to be so true.

I can relate to what you are writing to some extent. My mom died at a young age. I never really believed I would live to become older than she was. It was only till I saw something similar in a movie that I realized I was holding these ideas.. and it hit home hard. I had to re-think a lot of things I was doing in my life.
And to some extent I did go through the dark ocean floods.. I would sometimes feel like a flood of pain would come over me - but instead of me feeling lost - I felt as if I was hidden under the waves, in a calm place, waiting for the storm to finish. So while I was crying and not being able to get out of the house, somewhere inside I felt like all would be fine, I just had to wait and let it out..

Its good that you are talking to a docter. But I do hope that the realization will settle with you, that your mother's destiny is not yours. Maybe to some extent you might even regret it. Its like taking distance from your mom, and saying this is my life, it has nothing to do with hers.. its a big thing, but it the way it is. Most people do not have to make such a radical decision you see. Their lives automatically end up similar to those of their parents (getting married, kids etc.0

Keep us posted.
Lots of love.... huggsss...hang in there..

Shari said...

I can relate to every.single.thing you wrote. I have been in a state like that many times. My husband is the best during those times. I pray they can figure it out and somehow you can find relief. Take care! Thank you for being honest. Maybe it will help someone else who is reading this.