Saturday, July 19, 2008

That which you most despise...

Websters Dictionary's second definition for the word needy is as follows:

2. needing affection: feeling or showing a strong need for affection, love, or other emotional support

Ask anyone who knows me well and they will tell you that I am one of those girls who has always been far from this definition. Often described as stubborn, strong willed, independent and dare I even say a hard ass (no, not my actual ass, which is far from hard, unfortunately...but emotionally). My husband would probably tell you his biggest frustration about me is that I am too independent. Yet most of the people in my life rely on that independence. I am the girl you can count on to make decisions, come up with solutions and figure a way out of just about any predicament I have ever found myself in. The environment I grew up in forced me to be this way. I have been making many household decisions since I was a small child. I was the one on the phone telling the electric company to please keep the power on for three more days until my mom got paid, because I was only 10 and with no power there would be no way for me to cook something for me to eat. My mom relied on me to be this person. She was incredibly timid and needy. I was the opposite. Strong and stubborn from the very beginning. She often made the comment "I wish I could be like you".....being raised by a single mother, who wasn't always mentally stable and able to assert herself, helped mold me into this person, but I also think some of it is just part of who I am. Independent to a fault.

Lately it is occurring to me that I am needy in some areas of my life. Not that this is a character flaw by any means. In fact it is a normal human condition. One in which I have forced myself to deny for many many years. Weakness is something I have always frowned on, and often find myself having very little patience for people who are needy. Those people who cling, and need your attention and reassurance all the time. I have turned my back on friendships for such things. A hard ass... A bitch maybe.

Perhaps it's age. Motherhood. Martial woes. Childhood recollections. Loneliness. Emptiness. Whatever the reason, I find myself developing a character trait that I have always viewed as undesirable. I don't like it. I don't like needing people. I can take care of myself....hell or high water. I don't need anyone else's approval or acceptance. Where does my sudden need come from? How did I get here?

I know this makes no sense to most of you....I think this is a purge for myself, and a few select people in my life. But it needed to be put into words, so I put it here. The place where I seem to be most comfortable baring my soul these days.


debi9kids said...

Thank you for feeling free enough here to bare your soul. It's not such a terrible thing to need people and eventually you will be ok with it and realize it isn't so bad.

Shannon said...

I swear, you and I have way too much in common. I often call myself a bitch, because I know that is how others sometimes perceive my independence and straightforwardness! But I am also very supportive of the people I love and usually don't expect any of that in return, but every now and then I find myself in need and get severely pissed off when I don't get it! :) btw, thanks for your e-mail address. I just may e-mail you about a predicament I'm in, maybe you have some advice for me?!

Liz said...

I agree - there is a difference between being a needy person and just needing a little. You don't strike me as needy - or high maintenance, and you’re not a bitch. With as many things as you have going on (husband, kids, farm, etc.) who has time to sit and listen to a whiney woman who needs to be reassured about something, you know? So don’t be so hard on yourself!

And thank you for all the comments this morning! Grandma is doing well. They had her take a step or two yesterday and sit in a chair, and I think they’ll move her to a recovery center late next week.