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Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Facing the storm

It’s nighttime, and I feel a bit closer to normal again, much like last night. Today has not been good, and I have been stricken with several panic attacks. They are scaring me. I am anxious to speak to the doctor.

There is a storm moving in and it beckoned me to step outside tonight. I could hear the thunder in the distance and the wind blowing against the house as the lightening lit up the windows. I decided to step out and sit on the porch for a while and watch before the rain settled in. As I sat listening to thick line of trees and woods nearby whoosh and roar with the winds, and the lightening brighten up the sky, I found comfort. The strong wind on my cheeks and my arms, the rumble of thunder creeping closer, and the flash of brightness blinding my eyes, seemed to be whispering to me, or perhaps shouting to me. A reminder from God that all things in nature must endure rough seas, stormy weather and darkness. It felt like a quiet embrace between my maker and I, assuring me that I will be ok. Watching the nature surrounding me shiver and bend to the will of the winds, I felt a little less alone. The outdoors seemed to be presenting me a mirror of the turmoil in my soul.

I sat there calmly, feeling better for the first time in a while, trying to envision the winds and the rain carrying my darkness away with them, praying for sunshine tomorrow.

I have a Dr. appointment in the afternoon. Hubby is going with me. We both need to hear what the doctor has to say, and I think it will do him some good to get some insight from the doc about what this is really like and help him understand. I can’t say enough about how much support he has been in the last 24 hours. He stayed home from work today…..and never once rolled his eyes or seemed irritated by the fact that I never left the bed. He sat with me some, took care of the kids, and promised me it would all be better soon…..I believe him. And I believe in me. I have survived far worse storms in my life…depression will never get the best of me.

8 comments:

3rd... said...

good news! I am happy you found comfort and strength. Keep strong

Cityboy said...

You are the strongest, most insightful dysfunction I know! My thoughts are with you, my heart breaks for you. I wish I had the solution to your struggle...but you are the only one that can solve this one. You will be stronger (and sexier) on the other side of this.

The DoorKeeper said...

hang in there, Jada.


btw Did you hear the new Crow songs today?

Shannon said...

You are so right... life does have its storms! I'm just sorry that yours has been so intense! hang in there... the sun will come out tomorrow (even if tomorrow is 2,3 or 10 days from now)!

Liz said...

Three cheers for your husband! When it comes down to it - he's a keeper!

Heather said...

I love you.

Mum-me said...

I hope the doctor can help you, and help your husband understand how you feel.

Life is much easier when someone understands, isn't it?

The Pastoral Princess said...

Heather my lovely...I love you too! Family like you make me feel less alone at times like this!

Thank you all for your support and your thoughts. This blog has been my sole source of communication lately...it's a huge comfort to know that somebody out there 'gets it'! XOXO Jada